Thinking of sending an email to the Ex

[marky00]

Ok guys...

 

I'm not going to do anything silly yet ... just gonna keep you guys in the loop as to my thinking process.

 

Been bit around 2 months NC.. broke up in Feb... probably had contact post BU about 5 times.

 

The issue I am having is that this NC business is really against my natural inklings. I am not a hard-headed alpha.. i am (or at least was) a sensitive guy who deals with things in my own way.

 

I have been feeling like MY SILENCE post BU and just giving the impression i'm coping withing reason has hindered my recovery.

 

Its bad enough to have had my heart broken... but I find myself taking a majority of the blame for the way things went down and this extra layer of thinking is what is really killing me.

 

I'm not totally sure what the email would contain but I mostly want to explain to her what was going on with me between 2012-2014 where I was faced with some personal issues. Basically what started it all off was my dog got deaf after a simple operation... made him get very nervous to a point that I could hardly leave my home except for work because he would howl and disturb the neighbours. This dog had been my great companion for many years and I didn't feel it was right to just put him down there and then. Anyway I wrestled with the idea of putting him down for a good year or two but always found a small reason to not do it. Anyway this whole situation stressed me out major and obviously affected out LDR I really did become a prisoner in my own home. I couldn't fly and see her much coz I needed to organise babysitters etc. Also... although I put on a front of being ok on the holidays.... I think she sensed something was troubling me.

 

Anyway, after this went on for about 2 years ... she broke it off middle of 2013.... but I managed to get a reconcilation by flying to see her unnanounced. I had to do this because I needed to show her I could be mobile and I was Still Me.... I was just stuck.... It definately had a short term impact but the core issues were still there. I ended up pushing on with the dog almost another year (mainly because I felt that her breakup attempt showed her hand and that it was likely to occur again at anytime... so i figured I might as well push on with the dog... ie not put the dog down on her account).

 

Anyway, the point is that I look back at those years and see that I was affected by a really huge issue and I Wasn't Me. And this aspect makes it much harder for me to accept the breakup. I will say that she pretty much just sat back and watched me drown.... i shielded the issue from her best I could.... I did not want it to be her problem.... i used to just called her every couple of weeks and make sure she was ok (sometimes I did tell her I wasn't doing well and told her I wasn't ringing regularly because i was just so stressed out). But when I look back, she washed her hands of the issue.... her only advise to me once was "Mark its your life, what will you do?"

 

My mistake was I pictured her as my life-ling partner. And since I was in an LDR and not causing her direct harm with my problem (ie dragging her into the depression), I naively thought we could survive it and I had so much time to think when I was stuck in my house.... I looked deep inside myself and knew exactly what I wanted and what I wanted to do once the dog issue was over. And this turned out to be true....once I finally put the dog down... I had an incredible energy for life and the relationship. Sadly this period only lasted 6 months before the final breakup. Also, in some regards that experience made me a stronger and better person... i learnt to deal with very high levels of stress and survive.

 

So yes.... now hat I have divulged by sad story on here... I'm not sure what I am going to do.

 

I know she is still has some level of attachment to the past based on a 4 hour phone call 2 months back. She definitely will read the email... I am certain of it.

 

Guys ... maybe I can't fix the relationship for the future but maybe with the correct type of engagement, I may be able unburden myself (and possibly her) of some of our regrets and questionable actions in the past.

 

I know for a lot of people... simply moving on and forgetting is how people do it. But I'm not sure if this method suits me.

 

I will admit that I still have a very warped and tiny hope of a reconciliation (like in a couple of years) which makes taking the gloves off completely a touch more complex.

 

I know most people will say wait it out till I have healed completely and then send the email blah blah. The thing is but..... that right now I believe she would receive it with a certain degree of interest. In another year or so.... I think the connection to the past would be too far gone.

 

Thanks for reading.....

 

I will keep you guys informed.

 

P.S. I would also let her know I do not expect or even want a reply (i dont need any new info to process anyway)

Edited December 18, 2015 by marky00

[bluefeather]

I'm not going to tell you not to do it. You wouldn't listen anyway. But I will say that all the reasoning you are standing behind has been used by others countless times.

[anonymousbear00101100]

My situation is similar to yours.

 

We went long distance, and the flaws within ourselves and our relationship started to become obvious. She just watched as I wasted my life sitting in my room doing nothing, becoming depressed, and taking her down with me. She eventually had the sense to leave, and so far I've changed my life and gotten back to being me.

 

But like you, I realized this, then felt a strong need to reach out. If she just knew that I know what happened, maybe she'd realize I could fix things and take things back.

 

So I reached out. I poured my heart out. I apologized for everything, I told her everything I could fix, and I told her that I wasn't ready to give up.

 

What did I get in response? A read receipt. Not a yes or a no or a maybe. Silence. And that hurt. Quite a bit. I knew I should have waited, but I thought if I waited any longer she would have totally moved on, and I wasn't patient enough.

 

What pains me, and what I guess pains you, is the thought that she didn't break up with ME, she broke up with that the other guy who wasn't me. She loves ME, and I can be him again with this new perspective.

 

But you know what? They weren't willing or smart enough or mature enough to stay, and have that conversation with us. I want to be with someone who will sit me down, and tell me she still wants to be with me, but also tell me how I'm treating her and myself. If she just leaves, she's not the one. Use that new perspective and put it into a new relationship.

 

I would just write everything out, but also write everything you wish she would have done to help you. Just don't send anything. You need to forgive yourself and realize you deserve better, because you definitely do.

[marky00]

Well I wasnt doing nothing. I managed to grow my own IT business during that time... was working from home and making near 40k per year so it wasn't all bad.

 

I did manage to have 2 or 3 holidays with her per year and I paid for everything and usually gave her 1K in money and like 10 bottles of fragrances (she used to like taking them back home and selling them at a profit).

 

I did still try and be supportive by email and phone but in 2013 when my stress peaked I forgot to msg her on her birthday.... that was pretty bad.

 

But we had 6 very good years prior to this bad time in my life which disappoints me even more.

 

If she just put her foot in the door a little and empathised and gave me belief ot trust her and me.... I probably would have put the dog down or whatever it took to get through it..... but when someone just says "its your life", what are u supposed to do??

[marky00]

I'm not going to tell you not to do it. You wouldn't listen anyway. But I will say that all the reasoning you are standing behind has been used by others countless times.

 

Actually I will listen. Ive been NC long enough to know I need to listen. But Im pointing out that the total NC approach for me is feeling somewhat strange.... I just feel like I have been containing myself as opposed to letting it out.

[marky00]

 

So I reached out. I poured my heart out. I apologized for everything, I told her everything I could fix, and I told her that I wasn't ready to give up.

 

What did I get in response? A read receipt. Not a yes or a no or a maybe. Silence. And that hurt. Quite a bit. I knew I should have waited, but I thought if I waited any longer she would have totally moved on, and I wasn't patient enough.

 

 

I definately wont be pouring the heart out. The breakup was so brutal.... that is soemthing I could never do nor have I since the BU. Most of my contact was a few questions and just a general feel for where I was at.

 

You saying you feel like that email damaged any chance of a reconciliation?

 

No reply wont be an issue as I plan on stipulating no reply is required. I think that is the best approach. I know she will read it.... that is for sure.

[TaraMaiden2]

Live it to the full.

Without them.

And when they see you're living the Life, it shows them that they were it, but they weren't ALL it.

 

And guess what?

Nobody ever is.

 

I hate these stupid lines:

"I can't live without you"

"You complete me"

"You make me want to be a better man/woman".

"I Need you"

"You're my soulmate"

 

Honestly, they're making me retch as I write them, so saccharin-laden are they...

 

The truth is, we fall in love, have a ball, have ups and downs, go through a period of time together, then one or the other disappears.

 

This could be a 6-week holiday romance, or a 57-year-marriage.

 

Either way, two people join up, share, then part company.

What parts them?

Natural stuff.

Either a parting of the ways, or death.

 

It happens, and there are absolutely NO exceptions whatsoever.

 

So?

Deal with it.

Accept it.

Resign to it, relax into it and move on.

 

She was, and now isn't.

You were and now aren't.

 

Other people will figure in your life, as others will in hers.

 

Your life is no longer ANY of her concern.

She has no right to any point of entry.

And you should keep well away from hers, because she's an ex, and it's over.

 

Write whatever you want, if that's what makes you feel better.

 

Just don't send it, because you're ripping your heart open by doing so, and basically telling her that she can still poke a stick in there and twist it.

[sandylee1]

I really wouldn't bother..because it'll just bring you back to square 1 and with this being LD why bother. On the other hand if you can't move on without doing it.....Then go ahead.

[anonymousbear00101100]

No reply wont be an issue as I plan on stipulating no reply is required. I think that is the best approach. I know she will read it.... that is for sure.

 

I can't really say I know how you'll feel, but I really did think the same thing. I figured I'd get no response, but in the back of my head I guess I just kept thinking she'd at least acknowledge it. I realized I wasn't trying to apologize and tell her that I was becoming myself again. That was all a cover to try to talk to her again, and make her want me back. That might not be what you're feeling, and you might be okay without a response, but I would bet at least a small part of you wants one, and if you don't get one, it'll be shattered.

 

You saying you feel like that email damaged any chance of a reconciliation?

 

You've been NC a lot longer than I was, so it's a little different. I had that feeling that if I didn't act immediately, there would never be hope. I jumped the gun a bit, and I should have waited until I was totally healed and 100% the same guy (or better) that she fell in love with. My email came from a lot of places over the hours I wrote and rewrote it. Some of it came off as arrogant, some of it came off as mean, some of it came off as begging. I just wasn't in the correct emotional state because I wasn't fully healed. I didn't know what I wanted.

 

I think you need to wait until you have a very clear head. Write a note to her every day for a week, or two, or four, or four hundred. As long as it takes until you see a consistency in what you are writing, because then you will know what you want and what you're expecting. Maybe by then, you'll realize you don't even want to email her anymore.

 

In the end though, I think you should try to find someone who will fight with you, rather than trying to turn this woman into someone who will fight with you.

[marky00]

yeh i know what u mean about getting into a clear headspace... which is why I have been trying to hold out the NC.

 

I just feel like my mind is over-burdened and I haven't found a way to release some of it.

 

Ill be honest.... Im pretty sure once I have sent it... I will get that slight sick feeling and regret.

 

But on the other hand staying silent and not showing anger at all is just getting on my nerves.

 

Regarding reconciliation or anything positive... i'm pretty realistic. I don't hold hope per say.... but i was surprised to have a very long phone call a couple of months back where she was rehashing the relationship herself. Since the BU I guess you could say over time.. she seemed to be way more open to conversation.

[TaraMaiden2]

I think one important step towards clearing your mind, is to quit thinking about your mind in the third person, or distancing yourself from your thoughts (I'm using 'you' and 'your' generically, not specifically...)

 

We get an awful lot of "my mind does this and that" or "my thoughts just crowd me in", as if there is some unseen hand generating their existence.

 

People all-too-often project responsibility for these phenomena onto their exes, or at times, even current partners... "He does this to my mind".... "she makes me think this way...."

 

The first step in conquering what Mind does, or what thoughts provoke, is to acknowledge that the only one completely and uniquely responsible for each and every thought - is you.

 

I just feel like my mind is over-burdened and I haven't found a way to release some of it.

should read -

 

I just feel like I have over-burdened my mind and I haven't found a way for me to release it all.

 

Your thoughts?

You're thinking them.

Where they are?

You put them there.

Releasing them?

Only you can do that.

 

I would suggest researching some mind-exercises, visualisations, affirmations and meditation exercises to help evict the crap you don't want to have there, because you put it there, so it's actually up to you to sweep clean....

[marky00]

Oh yeh .... i do know that my thoughts are my responsibility. Im not projecting them on to her... I have had 10 months to work on that.

 

I think this is more about the collateral damage and fallout that occurred during the period when I was having tough times.

 

I understand her angle on things will be totally different to mine. I was simply just going to state my angle since I never was able to during the relationship.

 

What she does with that information is totally up to her.

[TaraMaiden2]

Honestly - don't send it.

Ultimately, in the great scheme of things - what would it be good for?

The sense of satisfaction would be temporary.

[schlieman]

Live it to the full.

Without them.

And when they see you're living the Life, it shows them that they were it, but they weren't ALL it.

 

And guess what?

Nobody ever is.

 

I hate these stupid lines:

"I can't live without you"

"You complete me"

"You make me want to be a better man/woman".

"I Need you"

"You're my soulmate"

 

Honestly, they're making me retch as I write them, so saccharin-laden are they...

 

The truth is, we fall in love, have a ball, have ups and downs, go through a period of time together, then one or the other disappears.

 

This could be a 6-week holiday romance, or a 57-year-marriage.

 

Either way, two people join up, share, then part company.

What parts them?

Natural stuff.

Either a parting of the ways, or death.

 

It happens, and there are absolutely NO exceptions whatsoever.

 

So?

Deal with it.

Accept it.

Resign to it, relax into it and move on.

 

She was, and now isn't.

You were and now aren't.

 

Other people will figure in your life, as others will in hers.

 

Your life is no longer ANY of her concern.

She has no right to any point of entry.

And you should keep well away from hers, because she's an ex, and it's over.

 

Write whatever you want, if that's what makes you feel better.

 

Just don't send it, because you're ripping your heart open by doing so, and basically telling her that she can still poke a stick in there and twist it.

 

Love your answer. Copy this in put it in 70% of the other threads. It feels like a wake up call and an eyeopener together.

[marky00]

Honestly - don't send it.

Ultimately, in the great scheme of things - what would it be good for?

The sense of satisfaction would be temporary.

 

Well this is probably the main reason to not send it.

 

Another reason why NC slightly bugs me is that during the relationship my Ex was the type who normally waited for me to contact her... not always but i would say 80 percent of the time. Mainly because that's who she is but also because it was cheaper for me etc.

 

So now its hard to get out of the habit that she might have something small to say... but would never bother coming out to say it. Lets just say she was emotionally unavailable for most of the relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

There's no point sending it. I say that because does she not already know about this dog issue? She was your partner, she could obviously see how much it was affecting you. Even if you didn't verbalize it, we ladies are very perceptive to silence and changes in emotion. You didn't need to tell her it was taking a toll; she knew.

 

I'm sure she cares about you but it's been almost a year since the break-up. Believe me when I say you would know by now if she wanted to reconcile.

[marky00]

There's no point sending it. I say that because does she not already know about this dog issue? She was your partner, she could obviously see how much it was affecting you. Even if you didn't verbalize it, we ladies are very perceptive to silence and changes in emotion. You didn't need to tell her it was taking a toll; she knew.

 

I'm sure she cares about you but it's been almost a year since the break-up. Believe me when I say you would know by now if she wanted to reconcile.

 

Yes she did know the basic facts.... but not the full extent of the issue. I agree that she would have picked up on that behavior change but I am not sure if she connected the dots.... one would think she did. I tended to put on a front at times to disguise the issue. We were LDR so the only signs would have been less frequent contact and looking more stressed out on the holidays.

 

Anyway... as usual I have been shot down so I wont send it.

 

Regarding reconciliation.... I agree and understand she isn't after that RIGHT NOW.

Edited December 18, 2015 by marky00

[bluefeather]

Actually I will listen. Ive been NC long enough to know I need to listen. But Im pointing out that the total NC approach for me is feeling somewhat strange.... I just feel like I have been containing myself as opposed to letting it out.

 

What, do you think NC feels normal and ok for everyone? Why do you think there are so many threads posted just like yours..? People always saying "I can't do it." "I'm going to break NC." "I sent an email, here it is... (and everyone on the forum can see how bad it is)." NC is going to feel strange because it's like quitting something cold turkey. But you are doing it wrong if you think it means bottling up your emotions. Let out your emotions all you want. Containing yourself is the opposite of healthy. You're just not supposed to do it to that person.

[VeveCakes]

You situation with your dog was stressful but nothing compared to what life can throw you. You weren't yourself during those times and that is your excuse so to speak, but what will happen when the going gets tough again?

 

I would worry more about learning coping skills than worrying about your ex.

[ExpatInItaly]

You situation with your dog was stressful but nothing compared to what life can throw you. You weren't yourself during those times and that is your excuse so to speak, but what will happen when the going gets tough again?

 

I would worry more about learning coping skills than worrying about your ex.

 

I was going to comment on this, too.

 

OP, I don't mean to downplay the difficulty of coping with a sick pet. I have owned many animals and know how hard it can be to care for them and lose them.

 

However, life will present numerous challenges that will probably exceed this situation. It's important to see how someone copes with problems. If she saw that you couldn't manage this one without it seriously affecting the relationship, especially given how much space you already had by virtue of being long-distance, it might certainly have given her doubts about how well you would cope with graver situation. She saw you responded by shutting down. Many women, including myself, would seriously question the type of long-term relationship you'd be able to sustain without more effective coping skills.

[cud]

My situation is similar to yours.

 

We went long distance, and the flaws within ourselves and our relationship started to become obvious. She just watched as I wasted my life sitting in my room doing nothing, becoming depressed, and taking her down with me. She eventually had the sense to leave, and so far I've changed my life and gotten back to being me.

 

But like you, I realized this, then felt a strong need to reach out. If she just knew that I know what happened, maybe she'd realize I could fix things and take things back.

 

So I reached out. I poured my heart out. I apologized for everything, I told her everything I could fix, and I told her that I wasn't ready to give up.

 

What did I get in response? A read receipt. Not a yes or a no or a maybe. Silence. And that hurt. Quite a bit. I knew I should have waited, but I thought if I waited any longer she would have totally moved on, and I wasn't patient enough.

 

What pains me, and what I guess pains you, is the thought that she didn't break up with ME, she broke up with that the other guy who wasn't me. She loves ME, and I can be him again with this new perspective.

 

But you know what? They weren't willing or smart enough or mature enough to stay, and have that conversation with us. I want to be with someone who will sit me down, and tell me she still wants to be with me, but also tell me how I'm treating her and myself. If she just leaves, she's not the one. Use that new perspective and put it into a new relationship.

 

I would just write everything out, but also write everything you wish she would have done to help you. Just don't send anything. You need to forgive yourself and realize you deserve better, because you definitely do.

 

 

Similar in here!

 

Dont send anything. You think only you know what to do but thats not true! You are playing from place of misery - and I know what I am talking about. I did the same - few these letters and emails - telling her I was sorry and I am gonna be better... bla bla. And respond? Nothing at all - and I felt like crap!

I stick with NC - it has been a month - still it hurts, but it goes better. Do the same thing and stop do those bagging and planing parts of your life.

 

Accept that is over - when she change her mind, she will tell you. You cannot do anything right now to make her want to go back, actually you can do only things to want her not to come back! Meanwhile just go ojn with your life and build better version of yourself - as I see break ups are meant for this purpose!

[Amelie1980]

I had a brief look at your history. Why did you waste the best years of your life 30-40 on a LDR?

 

She then left you for a local guy.

 

Would it not be best to forget her and find someone new. I have heard Australian people are very friendly and open. Much more so than in my country.

 

Why don't try to meet someone new rather than hoping you get back together in another 2 years?

[theredpill]

As the others said, do as you wish... but I certainly wouldn't be sending any kind of weak supplicating email literally begging for another chance (that's what you're reaching out for really, so don't deny it) with someone who's already given up you before.

 

 

Seriously dude, go do some self growth courses, even just watching some online stuff to get in touch with your true self. We live in the real world, not Disney and this letter doesn't belong here. She'll read it an laugh, then show it to her BF and GF's who will laugh at your weaknesses too.

 

 

Sorry if this seems a bit harsh, but you need to be told - I'd go read Taramaiden's response again too.

 

 

Good luck and if you do end up sending it, perhaps send it by mail and include your testicles for the full package

 

 

If she wants you back, she will move mountains, never, ever chase someone who let's you go!

[marky00]

Hmmm.. it wasnt just about a sick pet... its how the events unfolded.

 

Things were going really good... she had come out to Australia for 3 months in 2011 . I think we were on the cusp of something bigger... not sure what but possibly 1 of us making a move.

 

Anyway like 3 months later.... the vets noticed a heart beat irregularity with my dog. They suggested an ultrasound which i agreed to. Anyway for some wierd reason they decided to do an abodimanal scan as well and found some bladder stones. (which my dog had an operation for 12 months earlier).

 

Anyway, my dog had no symptoms at all but they kept trying to convince me the stones needed to be removed. I didnt really agree since I had done the same thing 12 months earlier. Anyway after 3 months or so.... I second guessed my gut feeling and went ahead with it. I also agreed to a dental procedure for him as well.

 

Anyway a few weeks after the surgery I noticed my dog was totally deaf. My best friend could no longer hear me.

 

A few months later my parents moved to an apartment (from the family home) so I had no-one who could help with looking after the dog.

 

Anyway my dog started getting nervous and not being himself due to his deafness. I told the vets like 6 months later and of course they had no suggested solution but to put him down. I just started getting so angry with the sequence of events and new decisions to be made I decided to just stay the course with my dog and go it alone. Didnt want to then have the regret of his premature death on my mind as well (possibly some sort of self-imposed punishment I assume).

 

Of course I had to adjust my work during this time... and altered my business model so I could mainly work out of home. So yeh bascially had no social life and couldn't go out in the evenings for fear that Id get noise complaints from the neighbours etc. The local council was going to get involved if the noise got out of hand.

 

Anyway during that time, I did manage to organise 4 holidays or so but it wasnt easy and I was pretty stressed out on the trips but they kept things together so to speak.

 

Anyway she tried to break it off in mid 2013... she wanted to go on a holiday and I couldn't find a babysitter for the dog so I was pretty much totally stuck and didn't contact her for like 3 weeks or so... which is when she told me she wanted a breakup.

 

I appreciate's everyone's comments and I agree with you that I have had a history of self-destructive behaviour when events don't go my way. However, that breakup in 2013 really shook me and I did make some changes. I stopped complaining, feeling like a victim, I tried to be as positive as possible, setup webcams around the house so I had a little more freedom and put a lot more effort into the relationship.... regular contact, more face-to-face visits, some financial assistance and really tried to take notice of her feelings and signals. Sure I still felt exhausted and totally over the whole situation with the dog but I acted a lot more positive and pretty much tapped into a reserve of strength I didn't know I had.

 

During the whole ordeal I did become a better person, a stronger person .... culminated when I finally was 100 percent sure the dog had run his course.

 

This is the frustrating part... was once all this over.... I was looking forward to finally enjoying the relationship without all the extra hassles. I had a lot more of a go-get-em attitude.. I pretty much felt like Superman when I arrived in Thailand in February. Nothing was going to stop me now and all little worries here and there were of no concern to me.

 

And then she decided to break it off.

 

6 months no dog ... just fully recovered from that ordeal and then the breakup....

 

I really liked the version of myself back then which made the breakup a lot harder to understand. I had spent the best part of 3 years becoming a better person and then the breakup and I am now supposed to better myself again. Seems like way too rough a ride...

[marky00]

As the others said, do as you wish... but I certainly wouldn't be sending any kind of weak supplicating email literally begging for another chance (that's what you're reaching out for really, so don't deny it) with someone who's already given up you before.

 

 

Hmmm firstly I never stipulated the contents of the email and secondly I already said I wasn't going to send it.

 

Your response is too generic. We are not all early 20s who are wrapped up in ego. I can assure you she would not show it to her bf nor her friends.

 

And there was not going to be any begging. If you read my post I said I hold out a tiny hope for reconciliation but that the proposed email wasn't for that purpose.

 

So maybe read my initial post more carefully before judging.