awkwardloser Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 Hi all, been having troubles in my first relationship lately. I'm really confused and not sure where to turn to, very desperate for some help! Let me start off by saying I've had an addiction to self-harm for a few years now. I (almost) managed to stop cutting for my boyfriend, but I've had two major relapses in the past year and a half while dating this guy. But lately I've had so much life stress that I've felt really at risk. A bad argument recently led to me getting an anxiety attack and pulling out quite a bit of hair...it all happened so fast but he absolutely freaked, jumped on me, held me to the bed, started swearing and yelling at me in this crazy blend of panic and anger. I struggled against him purely out of animal instinct (anxiety attack), lots of screaming, yelling, crying, struggles, ended up getting to the point where he physically couldn't hold me down anymore...at one point he did slap me but it wasn't enough to really hurt, and he said it was because I wasn't calming down and he just wanted to get me to stop. At one point when I was trying to get away and succeeded, he put his hand around my throat to subdue me (again, not hard and only for a second) and it was enough to get me on the ground in a restraining position I couldn't escape from. But I don't blame him for that part, especially because I was a danger to myself at this point. In the midst of it all, I lost a contact. So then I was crawling on the ground looking for it, he's still yelling at me, "Why are you doing this?? Why won't you promise me you won't hurt yourself?" "Look at yourself! Are you ****ing retarded?! CALM DOWN!!" etc., then he shoves me, I stand up, he shoves me again, I fall to the ground, I start shoving him back, and it didn't really go further from there... A couple days later we have another argument; it was enough to cause another anxiety attack for me, but I didn't want it to get so bad this time, so I tried to leave the house to go on a walk. He physically restrained me from going because I didn't have protection on me and we live in a dangerous area. I do feel bad for putting him in a difficult situation. He was still mad from the argument, so things weren't calming down, and neither was I, especially after he kept calling me names. I told him that I felt like hurting myself and that he was making it worse, and that we needed to be serious (I was trying to get him to understand that we needed to stop fighting because I was losing control of myself, the argument wasn't worth it, but it was hard getting him to take me seriously because I was still hysterical). His response was not to calm down and talk; instead, he held me down tighter, bad enough that I have bruises on my arms where he gripped me. I didn't know how to convince him to stop or to listen to me. At first he was yelling and swearing at me, and then he broke down crying worse than I'd ever seen him and started sobbing, "Why won't you just talk to me?! Stop! STOP! JUST STOP!" It was like we were both so hysterical that we couldn't see how the other person was trying to diffuse the situation...we both looked completely crazy to each other... When I try to talk to him about this, he just tells me that he gets desperate because he thinks the worst thing I could do would be to hurt myself again. He said that it would be less painful even if I cheated on him, and that I'm too strong and persistent to hold down if he thinks I'm a danger to myself, so he melts down and doesn't know what to do. But my problem is, he doesn't believe that I won't hurt myself when we're fighting, even if I say I won't. He doesn't trust me and says he doesn't know how to calm me down in those situations, but I think he gets too mad too quickly to even calm himself down. I know that this is messed up on both sides, but how do you think I should address the violence? Should it be addressed at all? Was it justified? My boyfriend shows no signs of controlling or abusive behavior otherwise. We normally get along great, we barely ever have disagreements or squabbles, and yet we have these occasional hellish episodes and I'm not sure how to feel about this. Please help, what are your thoughts?
smackie9 Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 You need to own it sister.....you need to take responsibility for your cutting/self mutilation issue and seek out professional help. Him behaving himself is not your cure. You have trouble with coping and it needs to be promptly addressed.....if you are in therapy, it's not working and you need to find better help. 1
smackie9 Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 If you are not in therapy then you are in deep denial that you can handle this on your own.
Author awkwardloser Posted December 18, 2015 Author Posted December 18, 2015 You need to own it sister.....you need to take responsibility for your cutting/self mutilation issue and seek out professional help. Him behaving himself is not your cure. You have trouble with coping and it needs to be promptly addressed.....if you are in therapy, it's not working and you need to find better help. I'm not in therapy right now because of financial reasons right now but you're right, I obviously don't have this under control right now and it needs to be dealt with. I probably do expect him to help me a lot more than he is capable of. Thanks for your input x
ExpatInItaly Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 Agreed with the above poster. You very much need to get to the bottom of your struggles and learn better coping strategies. Otherwise, this awful cycle will repeat itself. I would suggest you do so outside the context of the relationship first. These issues are yours to work through. In my opinion, his responses to these self-mutilation episodes is very concerning. I understand he was upset, scared and confused by your behaviour but that does not justify name-calling, shoving and other forms of aggression and violence. You probably won't like this, but I don't think you two are healthy together because it doesn't sound like you're healthy on your own. Together you spiral out of control. 3
Hopeful30 Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 (edited) Okay, listen up and listen carefully. First of all, never EVER apologize for being the way you are. Self harm or not, this is the journey you are on, and f*ck anyone who holds that against you. I've had an addiction to self harm since I was 8 years old (I'm now 27). It's a life long thing, and if my man can't understand that I've had a tough/abusive upbringing and this is the place I'm at right now, than he can find someone else. Second, violence is NEVER the answer. If he is paranoid about you, well sorry but go find a man who will be SUPPORTIVE instead. Don't listen to his words, listen to his actions. And on a side note, from one addict to another, don't be ashamed of relapses. It's part of the recovery. If you have stopped your addiction cold turkey without relapses, then it most likely means your relapse is on the way. It's part of recovery. And lastly, focus on yourself. You need to get rid of anything that makes you feel this way (friends, family, boyfriends, etc) and focus on healing yourself. You can't heal when you're distracted with all of this other stuff thats going on (that you're made to believe is your fault). Hang in there girl, but be strong. Don't let anyone take away your hope to be better, no matter how bad you've gotten. Edited December 18, 2015 by Hopeful30
mssweet Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 (edited) No, please do not justify his abusive behavior. When you said "at one point he did slap me but it wasn't enough to really hurt..." and "he put his hand around my throat to subdue me (again, not hard and only for a second)"....you are justifying it. That's not okay! That should never happen in a relationship. It is not healthy, even if you say you guys get along most of the time... he should never lay a hand on you. It seems like he needs to get help himself, and he wont help you get better. The violence should be addressed with someone else that close to you, that you can trust, and leave this relationship. Edited December 18, 2015 by mssweet 1
Glitters Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 Where is your family ? You need them and not this guy. He is adding to your problems. If you can't afford paid therapy , go to some women shelter , get references for help.You can't do this alone and your bf is making it worse. You need to take charge of your life.
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