BelleSkye Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 Did any of you - dumpers - ever lie to the dumpee about the actual reason you were breaking up for? I did it a few times - that I was too busy with work and can't concentrate on a relationship (if I'm in love, work will always come second to my significant other). The other one was that I was suffering severe depression (true, but if he was all that - i.e. if I was attracted to him - the depression would have easily been set aside) Basically, all the underlying reasons for me were: 1. I did not find them appealing / attractive, 2. My ex was better than them, 3. They were just not that witty / intelligent. I just cannot have the heart to tell them to their face about the real reason why I can't go into a relationship with them.
Amelie1980 Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 Dumpers rarely tell the truth. Three of mine cheated and lied about why they were ending it. 1
basil67 Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 I've never been brutally honest except for when my marriage ended. As we saw in a previous post today, people are never happy with the truth. They don't believe it or think the reasons are lame. Or they use the reasons to argue that they will change. Being honest is too much effort.
Amelie1980 Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 Oh and OP if your severe depression would have been easy to set aside with a good partner then you weren't severely depressed. Severe depression isn't something you can set aside easily by choice just because you're into your current partner. 2
Amelie1980 Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 (edited) I've never been brutally honest except for when my marriage ended. As we saw in a previous post today, people are never happy with the truth. They don't believe it or think the reasons are lame. Or they use the reasons to argue that they will change. Being honest is too much effort. My ex cheated....had he told me the truth i would have to told him to go to hell. he made up some lame reasons which i challenged him on for a while. Lying took up so much effort in this case. Edited January 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 3
Wewon Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 I try to stay as close to the truth as possible. I always am a little suspicious of people that proudly proclaim themselves to be "brutally honest". There's no need to hear soul crushing things that they simply can't fix and may not even be a problem with the right partner. That being said, out right fabrications aren't my style either. Part of the problem with breakups is that people take them as personal indictments of who they are instead of simply mismatches. There's no need to grind the person into the ground or misdirect them completely. 4
marky00 Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 Yeh... when dumpers lie at the BU... they actually put way more on the dumpee... its selfish. Did you lie in the relationship? I hope not... so why lie at the BU. Dumpees would move on a lot faster.. no need to break NC and so what if they challenge you... that is their right?? A dumper not wanting to be challenged is another selfish reason. My Ex ran away and left me in a hotel room in another country. Gave me total BS reasons and sent me on my way..... I have only been a dumper once or twice.... and I was always totally honest. When I was honest.. long-term I felt better about being straight-up. The only thing you want to be careful about is not going heavy on the not being attracted to their looks thing. That's probably the only thing I would tackle with the gloves on .... and besides what isn't attractive to me may be attractive to someone else. 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 Lying = Coward. And cowards will always say and do things to save their own @$$es. It's not really about not hurting their feelings. It's all about sugaring the pill to make themselves look less callous. My ex and I at least were completely honest with each other, and I would thank him for that. He didn't fall out of love with me, then treat me as some kind of stupid, by further lying and expecting me to believe him. And I treated him in the same way. You're breaking up with them. There's no need to further disrespect them and pile on more hurt by lying to them about it too. If you're adult enough to be in a relationship, you're old enough to at least be up-front and honest. 5
Amelie1980 Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 so what if they challenge you... that is their right?? A dumper not wanting to be challenged is another selfish reason. This is so true. I've always felt stupid for telling them what I thought or challenging them. But why should they get away free. We have a right to be angry particularly if the dumper has behaved badly. 1
Samhain Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 I also try to stay as close to the truth as possible. But there really is no need to be "brutally" honest in some cases, even when the person is pushing and poking at you to say it. Like when you are ending a relationship because the other person is a needy, whiny, clingy, uninteresting sack of potatoes who was originally just a rebound. Don't ever say that to somebody. I said it to somebody when I was in my early 20s, and was in the center of an all female hate campaign for the last 6 months of college. I learned a huge lesson! Now I know that I'd stick to the truth, but leave out any unnecessary extras that would just be flat out cruel. 1
LookAtThisPOst Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 I also try to stay as close to the truth as possible. But there really is no need to be "brutally" honest in some cases, even when the person is pushing and poking at you to say it. Like when you are ending a relationship because the other person is a needy, whiny, clingy, uninteresting sack of potatoes who was originally just a rebound. Don't ever say that to somebody. I said it to somebody when I was in my early 20s, and was in the center of an all female hate campaign for the last 6 months of college. I learned a huge lesson! Now I know that I'd stick to the truth, but leave out any unnecessary extras that would just be flat out cruel. Wow, apparently she shared that "clingy" info with her other college campus friends yes?
ExpatInItaly Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 Oh and OP if your severe depression would have been easy to set aside with a good partner then you weren't severely depressed. Severe depression isn't something you can set aside easily by choice just because you're into your current partner. I was coming to post the same thing. It's not possible to "set aside" true clinical depression. It isn't something one chooses to prioritize or not. Anyway, yes, I have been less than transparent about the reasons for a break-up in the past. I wasn't very mature then and didn't have the heart to tell him I'd fallen out of love and didn't view him romantically anymore.
Samhain Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 She shared it all, and some added extras that were never said! I wasn't initially going to say any of it I was trying to do it gently but she was hands on hips verbally poking and poking until it all came tumbling out lol. And her college buddies were previously telling her not to be so clingy and needy! Ah the wonderful world of women.
jen1447 Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 I just cannot have the heart to tell them to their face about the real reason why I can't go into a relationship with them. Which is worse than telling them to their face about the real reason why your can't go into a relationship with them. Others have already said - brutal honesty as in "I hate the way your nose sits on your face," no, but general honesty and treating them w/the dignity they deserve as human beings, absolutely. Being truthful shows respect - for their humanity and their wo/manhood above all else. Being deceitful robs them of that. 4
SalientPoint Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 (edited) I echo everyone else's sentiments in that it's just unnecessary and often times more hurtful to lie. Of course, don't tell them that you think they're hideous or something, but I would even prefer to know that someone didn't find me attractive anymore rather than some bs reason. I'm going through my first ever breakup where the person provided NO reason whatsoever and just disappeared, though it now seems to be coming out that they just don't want to talk to me and couldn't face telling me so, and I'd have to say that is the absolute worst, coupled with then being lied to. Just get it all out there and let the chips fall where they may. Being provided some kind of closure and honesty, I think it may help the dumper move on a lot faster. I know I would had I been granted that. Edited December 18, 2015 by SalientPoint spelling 2
mightycpa Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 oh yeah, I've lied. One girl was dumb as a post. I didn't want to tell her that.I was cheating on another, and liked the new girl better. Didn't go there.Another time, I wanted to know if she'd want me back if I broke up with her. I just made up a reason. In the end, truth or lie, it didn't really matter. We ended up in the same place. When I've been dumped, I've been either lied to, or fed a sugarcoated version of the truth. Whatever the reason, the ones that really hurt would have hurt anyway. In the long run, I don't think it makes a damn bit of difference, because eventually you figure out that it's not the reasons for breaking up that matter. It's that you broke up. 1
Meli22 Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 Never lied about a break up, but told a few lies after being on a few dates with people. I've said things like "I don't think I'm ready for a relationship" or just "I don't think this will work" when the main reason has been because I wasn't attracted to them enough. But who on earth would be honest about that? "I'm sorry but I just don't think you're attractive." Honesty is the best policy and all but, some things are best left unsaid. If it was a relationship though, I'd be as honest as I could.
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