Sarahdotson5325 Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 My most recent ex was a coworker of over a year. I had always enjoyed working with him but never thought about him any other way until a coworker brought to my attention he had a crush on me for forever. We started hanging out outside of work and immediately hit it off as more than friends. I felt more of a deep connection within our 3 months of dating than with anyone else's I had Taken a break from being with anyone bc of a couple bad previous relationships. He was the one that brought up Us dating. After the 3rd time I agreed I finally felt ready. We had a long talk about me being able to trust him and him being very serious about the relationship. He took me to meet his family twice and he even suggested we put in vacation time to go somewhere for his bday. The last time I saw him he told me he was excited to see me and nothing seemed different at all the whole time. The a couple days later he started acting different..distant. the next time I saw him in person 2 wks later he broke up with me saying he didn't feel the same and we had "personally differences". Just 3 wks after telling me to put In my vacation time without us getting into a fight in between. *We had one short conversation about the bible the last time I saw him And have a few different views but I am just a random Church attender and he said he was open to Going a few times so I don't see where this would cause issues. *we both went through hard break ups and his ex cheated on him. He brought her up just a few times but I never thought anything more of of. *im almost positive it's not someone else be we talked on the phone almost every single night and that would be hard for him to hide from his coworkers and family...plus he was never on his phone when we spent days together. My question is can you really change your mind in about a week of Someone you got to know on a deep level and put so Much effort into or is it more likely it's something going on with him?? This can't be common can it?
Amelie1980 Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 (edited) You only dated for 3 months? Not invested or a deep relationship or connection at that stage. It is possible for one random thing to kill all attraction for someone at that stage because you are not invested and not in love. Maybe it was the Bible stuff, maybe it wasn't. Could have been anything. I am an atheist and I wouldn't be opposed to Bible talk but wouldnt be thrilled by it either because I dont believe it. He probably just went off you or changed his mind. It happens, he probably doesnt even know why. Issues with dating a co-worker, etc Edited December 18, 2015 by Amelie1980
Author Sarahdotson5325 Posted December 18, 2015 Author Posted December 18, 2015 Yeah I've had flings for a few months where we slowly faded away and went our separate way but this seemed different. He knew me for over a year and made such an effort to get to know everything about me. It blow my mind someone could just up and change their mind without something major happening. Maybe I'm just different but once I find someone special (which is a hard thing to do) I don't just run away at the first little small thing I don't like. :/
Amelie1980 Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 Yeah I've had flings for a few months where we slowly faded away and went our separate way but this seemed different. He knew me for over a year and made such an effort to get to know everything about me. It blow my mind someone could just up and change their mind without something major happening. Maybe I'm just different but once I find someone special (which is a hard thing to do) I don't just run away at the first little small thing I don't like. :/ Me too. I dont just up and leave at little things but some people do. Or he could have had doubts for a long time but not said anything. My ex spoke of us doing a holiday to Australia a week before he ended it and I found out he was cheating. People are full of s h i t.
mightycpa Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 Yeah, feelings are like the weather. They change, sometimes suddenly.
pidgeon1010 Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 A week before my ex of a year broke up with me, we talked about moving in together- initiated by him, discussed an interview he went on in another state and how long the process would take (he changed his plans to visit with friends in the state he was interviewing (west coast) and flew back home (east coast) because I found out the day before I had to go out of town for work and he wanted to see me before I left). 6 hour flight back home- got back the same day I was leaving. Thoughtful and sweet huh? He brought me lunch, etc., dropped me off to catch my plane, gave me cash because he insisted I need to have some on me - like there were no ATMs where I was going ha. Told me he would miss me and we had to do something fun when I got back. Noticed something was "off" with him towards the tail end of my work trip but chocked it up to stress from him trying to find work/interviewing process. Got back home a week later. Next day. Him: the dreaded "can we meet and talk about us for awhile"?: You know that job I interviewed for last week? Unless things go terribly wrong, I think they are going to make me an offer, I don't think long distance will work. Our relationship was good but not great. We didn't meet each other's friends and family like I would have liked, etc etc. THE END.
Author Sarahdotson5325 Posted December 19, 2015 Author Posted December 19, 2015 I get when u have a "crush" you can just change your mind quickly. I just can't believe that real feelings go away without 1) significant time 2) major factorsI just don't understand why anyone would waste time and effort on something they would just throw away. I was just wanting to see what's the reason we're of this happened to anyone else..they were seeing someone else, had commitment /relationship fears or just something going on with them? Maybe In my 27 yrs I just have everything all wrong...
makemineamac Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 I'm wondering if there was sex involved. Or was there no sex? Some people want something, then once they get it they lose interest. Or if they don't get it they also can lose interest. Could that be it? I know I was that way when I was younger. Loved the conquest but once I got what I want I lost interest, I have a lot of regret about the way I acted with a number of girls now in retrospect, but at the time I just was about getting what I wanted. Just a suggestion, that's all.
anika99 Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 What is his history when it comes to long term relationships? Maybe he has emotional issues that prevent him from connecting with real people in real relationships. Crushes are largely based on fantasy. We see someone and feel a attraction and then attribute all kinds of wonderful qualities to them. Usally once we get to know our crushes on an more intimate level we discover that they are not the perfect God/Goddesses we imagined but if we are mature and into reality we accept the imperfections and even find them a bit endearing but a person who believes in a fantasy, made by the stars, perfect mate, is not going to be very forgiving when it comes to flaws. I think that your real image failed to live up to this man's fantasy image.
Author Sarahdotson5325 Posted December 19, 2015 Author Posted December 19, 2015 I already pretty much knew his relationship history just from being his friend at work. I know he has had two long term relationships and I was the first person he even pursued at all since his break up 9 months prior. I know his ex girlfriend had affected him a lot bc he brought her up a lot at work but I don't see him as the kind of person that goes though girls.
Meli22 Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 It happens. Sometimes the novelty of a new relationship wears off and you realise you're not all that into it. Don't take it too personally and be glad it happened now rather than after 3 years. Just look around this board and you'll see similar stories of people being blind sided after years together.
Survivor12 Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 (edited) Let's do the math...three months ago when you began dating was 9 months after he & his ex gf broke up--which means that at the time he broke up with you was the 1 year anniversary of his previous break up. My guess is that he has been thinking about his ex and their relationship. It's not unusual for an "anniversary" to bring back vivid memories & emotions. Anything from a familiar smell, an event or simply the date on the calendar can trigger memories. Perhaps he still has feelings for her or maybe he's just recalling the memories & emotions of the breakup. Time will tell, but don't sit around waiting for him to come back. Edited December 19, 2015 by Survivor12
Author Sarahdotson5325 Posted December 19, 2015 Author Posted December 19, 2015 Let's do the math...three months ago when you began dating was 9 months after he & his ex gf broke up--which means that at the time he broke up with you was the 1 year anniversary of his previous break up. My guess is that he has been thinking about his ex and their relationship. It's not unusual for an "anniversary" to bring back vivid memories & emotions. Anything from a familiar smell, an event or simply the date on the calendar can trigger memories. Perhaps he still has feelings for her or maybe he's just recalling the memories & emotions of the breakup. Time will tell, but don't sit around waiting for him to come back. Survivor 12 I thought of that and that seems to be the most likely thing because he did seem to have such a hard time with their break up that I saw while working with him...and they did break up right after Xmas so I'm sure us doing stuff for his bday and Xmas probably brought back Memories. And she had cheated on him So I'm sure that could cause him to freak out and make a sudden decision?? Like I said maybe I'm just naive but I can't believe that someone's feelings really can go from From 100% for so long To 0 in less than 3 weeks. He didn't even have any "hidden" things about us that we're bothering him.
kidm Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 Unfortunately your story is not unique. People change their mind about others in a heartbeat without any rhyme or reason. Sometimes, it could be for what you consider a flimsy reason but to them it's a deal breaker. If something was "hidden" how would you know if it bothered him or not? It could be any number of reasons - His feelings faded/not as emotionally-invested as you were - He is not looking for anything serious - He blew the talk about "religion" out of proportion and decided you weren't a good fit. - He still has feelings for his ex/ they may be getting back together (which ties into the first point) etc. etc. etc. Most of the time, you never really get an honest answer. Unbeknownst to you, he was still trying to decide if he wanted to take things farther with you. Some people include the other person in that process and voice any concerns they may have. Some don't and seem legitimately content and then they pull the rug from under you. 3 months is a short amount of time- you were still in the "getting to know each other" phase which is ripe time for someone to end it abruptly. It sucks. Sorry you are going through this.
Author Sarahdotson5325 Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 It's just so funny bc he was the one that seemed more sure the while time. I pretty much told him no bc I wasn't ready the first two times he brought up Us being exclusive. People are crazy.
Stressed_26 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 Happened to me the same way though I know the reason Coworker/friend for one year - dated for 3 months. She had crush from day one, she later told me. She fell fast inspite of me cautioning her, as I didn't want it that fast. Had a bad breakup. That day in the morning I had to leave for work early, and she mentioned she can't live without seeing me a day. Goes to a birthday party, gets drunk, kisses a guy and tells me later that she has all the feeling for this new guy and nothing for me. Everything vanished for me in just one kiss - must have been the kiss of the century or humanity. I didn't get much chance to talk as she blocked my number and also changed her number. Now I am grieving for last 2 months while she keeps telling other co workers about her new guy.
Author Sarahdotson5325 Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 Happened to me the same way though I know the reason Coworker/friend for one year - dated for 3 months. She had crush from day one, she later told me. She fell fast inspite of me cautioning her, as I didn't want it that fast. Had a bad breakup. That day in the morning I had to leave for work early, and she mentioned she can't live without seeing me a day. Goes to a birthday party, gets drunk, kisses a guy and tells me later that she has all the feeling for this new guy and nothing for me. Everything vanished for me in just one kiss - must have been the kiss of the century or humanity. I didn't get much chance to talk as she blocked my number and also changed her number. Now I am grieving for last 2 months while she keeps telling other co workers about her new guy. I'm sorry that happened I just don't get people...I Don't have time to waste on anyone that I'm not serious about bc what's the point??
The Way I Am Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 I get when u have a "crush" you can just change your mind quickly. I just can't believe that real feelings go away without 1) significant time 2) major factorsI just don't understand why anyone would waste time and effort on something they would just throw away. I was just wanting to see what's the reason we're of this happened to anyone else..they were seeing someone else, had commitment /relationship fears or just something going on with them? Maybe In my 27 yrs I just have everything all wrong... It's possible that while you were developing feelings, he never got past the crush stage. I dated a guy for about 4 months who I'd had a crush on for awhile previously. It started great, but I slowly realized he wasn't someone I could develop feelings for -- which hit home after I had a conversation with someone else I'd had a previous crush on. Your guy might have had a similar experience. Maybe he wasn't sure, was trying to make it work, then something made him realize that the relationship just wouldn't work for him.
Author Sarahdotson5325 Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 It's possible that while you were developing feelings, he never got past the crush stage. I dated a guy for about 4 months who I'd had a crush on for awhile previously. It started great, but I slowly realized he wasn't someone I could develop feelings for -- which hit home after I had a conversation with someone else I'd had a previous crush on. Your guy might have had a similar experience. Maybe he wasn't sure, was trying to make it work, then something made him realize that the relationship just wouldn't work for him. Thank you for sharing! I guess it could be something like that. I just wouldn't take anyone I still was only crushing on to meet my family and, he did a good job at not showing any doubts whatsoever the whole Time. Obviously something happened so maybe he's just an amazing actor?
Stressed_26 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 Well in long term we will forget this, but it does a pretty bad taste. Make you feel used, disposable object, etc. Can't understand why people are so callous and they feel it is okay to tread on others like this.
Author Sarahdotson5325 Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 (edited) Obv not everyone that enters into a relationship Is gonna stay. But when someone else Is involved I feel you should only say things you will actually be prepared to back up. Blindsighting someone is selfish. If you invest in someone you shouldnt make sudden decisions like that bc it's not just u involved and they deserve to at least hear voiced concerns before hand. I seeing doing this to someone as a huge negative character trait. Edited December 20, 2015 by Sarahdotson5325 1
Stressed_26 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 It's possible that while you were developing feelings, he never got past the crush stage. I dated a guy for about 4 months who I'd had a crush on for awhile previously. It started great, but I slowly realized he wasn't someone I could develop feelings for -- which hit home after I had a conversation with someone else I'd had a previous crush on. Your guy might have had a similar experience. Maybe he wasn't sure, was trying to make it work, then something made him realize that the relationship just wouldn't work for him. Did you mean that after talking to your previous crush you wish you would have been with him ? and that's what drove the point home or it was just a conversation to see where you really stood with the new guy ?
Stressed_26 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 (edited) Obv not everyone that enters into a relationship Is gonna stay. But when someone else Is involved I feel you should only say things you will actually be prepared to back up. Blindsighting someone is selfish. If you invest in someone you shouldnt make sudden decisions like that bc it's not just u involved and they deserve to at least hear voiced concerns before hand. I seeing doing this to someone as a huge negative character trait. From my past two experiences I think people have stopped taking responsibility for their actions in dating stage. So many people go through heart break but they don't die so what's the big deal. You didn't get any explanation for the sudden change of heart, did you ? Edited December 20, 2015 by Stressed_26
The Way I Am Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 Did you mean that after talking to your previous crush you wish you would have been with him ? and that's what drove the point home or it was just a conversation to see where you really stood with the new guy ? I guess it there was a small amount of "I'd rather be with this person", but that's not primarily it. I met that crush guy when I'd been dating someone for (I think) about a year and had been wondering if the relationship was right or not. I told myself I shouldn't be fickle and throw away a relationship because I met someone else who turned my head. About a year later, I realized I'd spent over a year just trying to be happy in a relationship that wasn't right for me. (The crush guy had a gf by that point and still did when I saw him again.) When I saw the crush guy, it reminded me of the mistake I made trying to hold on too long to something that wasn't working and lost opportunities (maybe for both my ex and me) because of that. I didn't want to make the same mistake again.
Author Sarahdotson5325 Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 From my past two experiences I think people have stopped taking responsibility for their actions in dating stage. So many people go through heart break but they don't die so what's the big deal. You didn't get any explanation for the sudden change of heart, did you ? Nope. He said he "didn't feel the same" and we had "personality differences" that he had to have found In less than 2 wks from when he was completely positive about our relationship enough to talk to me about trusting him. I waited a week of no contact after our 15 minute sudden break up conversation and, texted him asking for some clarification bc of my confusion. He replied with "stop." So that was that.
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