short term w a long time introverted friend

[eleanorrigby3]

I was involved with my friend for over four years prior. He is very intellectual, he loves reading about various theories, watching non-mainstream movies. He loves spending time alone but is very friendly towards everyone. He is the type of person who would go out on a vacation with his friends but leave them early in the morning to walk around the area by himself, or read alone under the sun. I, on the other hand, am a slight opposite. I am more involved with ground work and practice than reading ideas. I am around people a lot because of my affiliation. And while I am a relatively public figure, I only get along well with certain types of people and can't keep up long conversations with anyone.

 

We used to go out before as friends, but not a lot. He would join me on my excursion trips to places like slums, cemeteries, garbage mountains, and charcoal producing areas to immerse and create photo essays.

 

Last September, he told me he really liked me. I just came from my first breakup a few months back and I told him that I was not ready to do anything, but we can go out when I have time. He would then invite me out but I would usually bail on him or not agree because of my heavy schedule. But he was very patient.

 

I found myself liking him back in October. When I became more responsive, he became more excited. He introduced me to his mother--the first time he ever introduced a girl to her-- and brought me to his home. He invited himself to my house and met my siblings. Later on he told me that he loved me. I felt that we were going too fast then but I didn't complain because I was really, really enjoying.

 

He left for a few days for a vacation. That was the time he didn't speak to me at all. When he returned he apologized and told me that he really had those moments were he just wanted to be alone. I understood. We went on happily after that and I told him that I loved him back. I started to give him more time and even prioritized him over my other duties voluntarily. I secretly honestly expected him to give me more attention as well.

 

He told me that he wanted to come with me to my province in November to meet the people there and see our place. I became excited and agreed, but this never happened. I was sad and I told him that, but I wanted to make up for it. The week after that, I flooded him with invites to meet my friends, go out, go drinking. He never agreed to any of them, saying he preferred to stay at home. I would go to him sometimes to make up for time.

 

But I got fed of it after a week. I felt like if I didn't speak to him, he wouldn't speak to me as well. And that we only saw each other because I pushed myself to have some space in his time. And that me talking to him was a chore for him. And it felt really bad.

 

It was hard, but I confronted him after those two days. and he told me that he wanted to end what we had already. I was crushed and I was shocked. He said that he owed to tell me that he didn't want it anymore, and that we should talk about it. I didn't see the point, especially since when I asked him, he said I can't do anything to change his mind. He said he liked being alone too much, and that he expected something out of us that didn't happen, that he just 'wasn't that kind of person who can spend a lot of time with people.' He assured me though that what we had, while brief, was real. But I told him that I didn't believe him. He said that that wasn't final though, but I was blurred and I couldn't believe that he was letting me go. I cried helpless in front of him and left bitter that night.

 

I have been crying everyday since then. Did i invade too much of his space? Did I demand too much attention? It was so short and fast, but wonderful in every way. I have never been attached to anyone this quickly. Just him. Today I am just thinking that I want him back and I've been thinking about trying to get him agree to start over again--this time both of us not expecting anything out of each other. This is the first time I felt this--I didn't believe in second chances.

 

Is this a good idea? Or am I missing a point that he no longer wants to be with me? Am I being too desperate? Please help

Edited December 18, 2015 by eleanorrigby3

[eleanorrigby3]

We were friends for over 4 yrs. This year, he pursued me first. It went fast but I was enjoying--he introduced me to his mom (the first time he ever did that) and we were just very happy. I fell for him as well and we were happy. And then he started to get in his "alone space" for the second time and when I asked him if he still wanted it, he said he didn't anymore and his mind won't change because:

-he enjoyed being alone too much

-he expected something out of us that wasn't met

-he can't see himself doing things with someone all time time

 

he said though that it wasnt final. but i was crushed. this all happened in less than 3 months. now i'm thinking should i try to get back together? this happened 4 days ago and NC since i told him that we can't just talk as friends too soon...but i miss him. am i too desperate? should i give him time? or should i just move on? should i wait for him to talk to me?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

From what you have described about his personality, it sounds like he wanted you when you were unobtainable and busy, that way he didn't have to offer you much in return. Now that the reality of the relationship has sunk in, he realized it isn't what he wants at all.

 

If you decide to beg him to take you back, you might get what you want, but is it really what you want from a relationship in the long run? You need to think long and hard about that because he will not change. He will continue to push you away because that is nature. He has been honest about telling you that he would feel differently, but it just didn't feel right for him.

 

For that reason I think it is a bad decision to try again, but it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. You have to do what feels right for you.

[eleanorrigby3]

As of now what I want is just him really.. but you made a good point. I don't actually know if he is willing to change. Maybe I should wait some more and think this through

[Standard-Fare]

Though I'm a woman I relate to this guy in that I'm a lone wolf at heart and tend to feel suffocated whenever I'm in a relationship, even when the other person is giving me a more than reasonable amount of space. It will start to feel like a chore to me to participate in activities I wouldn't otherwise be doing on my own.

 

So for example, I can relate to the fact that this guy called things off with you after a week where you "flooded him with invites." He wasn't interested in going out, he couldn't fake it, but he also probably felt guilty and inadequate for continually letting you down. He realized it wasn't fair to do that anymore.

 

There's many ways to view this type of behavior. On the plus side there's the intellectualism, the independence, the peacefulness with one's self. One the other side of it there's a selfishness, a stubbornness, and a true failure to connect with others and experience intimacy.

 

I can tell you that more than once I have let go people I've really loved and ended up regretting it, when I start to experience my solitude in a new way that doesn't feel so "content" anymore, but more like a self-built cage. Getting a taste of love and companionship does alter you, and make you question what's really important. In one case I came crawling back to my love but it was too little, too late.

 

Who's to say if your man will have the same type of feelings or revelations. If he doesn't have some sort of personality disorder or mental illness that makes him behave this way, chances are he will have at least some regrets at what he's lost. Whether those regrets will be enough to change his mind, or his behavior, who knows. In my experiences, by the time I finally acknowledge how painfully I miss someone, it's been too late to fix.

 

I'm not sure this is helpful, just trying to provide some perspective.

Edited December 18, 2015 by Standard-Fare

[eleanorrigby3]

Though I'm a woman I relate to this guy in that I'm a lone wolf at heart and tend to feel suffocated whenever I'm in a relationship, even when the other person is giving me a more than reasonable amount of space. It will start to feel like a chore to me to participate in activities I wouldn't otherwise be doing on my own.

 

So for example, I can relate to the fact that this guy called things off with you after a week where you "flooded him with invites." He wasn't interested in going out, he couldn't fake it, but he also probably felt guilty and inadequate for continually letting you down. He realized it wasn't fair to do that anymore.

 

There's many ways to view this type of behavior. On the plus side there's the intellectualism, the independence, the peacefulness with one's self. One the other side of it there's a selfishness, a stubbornness, and a true failure to connect with others and experience intimacy.

 

I can tell you that more than once I have let go people I've really loved and ended up regretting it, when I start to experience my solitude in a new way that doesn't feel so "content" anymore, but more like a self-built cage. Getting a taste of love and companionship does alter you, and make you question what's really important. In one case I came crawling back to my love but it was too little, too late.

 

Who's to say if your man will have the same type of feelings or revelations. If he doesn't have some sort of personality disorder or mental illness that makes him behave this way, chances are he will have at least some regrets at what he's lost. Whether those regrets will be enough to change his mind, or his behavior, who knows. In my experiences, by the time I finally acknowledge how painfully I miss someone, it's been too late to fix.

 

I'm not sure this is helpful, just trying to provide some perspective.

thank you so much for this. i do think he is a lot like how you described yourself. he never lies-we've been stuck in a situation where if i were in his shoes i would have lied but he never did-and he has always been genuinely true with everything he says. if it's alright to ask, do you think it would be a good idea for me to try to initiate a conversation with him to try to get him back? even though when he broke it off i told him that we can't talk as just friends anytime soon yet...

[Standard-Fare]

thank you so much for this. i do think he is a lot like how you described yourself. he never lies-we've been stuck in a situation where if i were in his shoes i would have lied but he never did-and he has always been genuinely true with everything he says. if it's alright to ask, do you think it would be a good idea for me to try to initiate a conversation with him to try to get him back? even though when he broke it off i told him that we can't talk as just friends anytime soon yet...

 

Since he was the one who broke it off, you're not really in a negotiating position - and you have to respect that he made that move because he found it necessary.

 

I don't know what your breakup convo was like, or what your communication with him has been since. If you've been silent, that's good, but I think it maybe could be worth reaching out just once to the effect of:

 

"I'm having a hard time with this breakup and it still doesn't really make sense to me. As you know it's not the path I would have chosen for us. I do hope you realize that if you ever find yourself having doubts or confusions about this decision, you should feel comfortable reaching out to me so we can talk that out. For now, though, I hope you respect my need to keep my distance for my own sake."

 

A lot of people would say "No way, don't you dare reach out to someone who dumped you," but I think in this case you're dealing with a unique individual and if your communication hasn't been totally clear it's worth that one effort.

 

I'm not trying to get your hopes up, though. I do think it sounds like this guy has made his mind up.