66Charger Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 You were probaly manipulated into the affair. You were NOT manipulated into continuing the affair. If you EVER had a moment of clarity, from the first physical contact to the last, and you knew it was wrong, it was incumbent upon you to end it immediately. If you did not, thats on you. Again, NPD or not, you know this answer, and all the "experts" are speculating. NPD may cause bad decisions, but it does not absolve you for consistent BAD JUDGEMENT. The manipulator should pay the price, but honestly, so should you. Focus on your original question. Be honest now. Take responsibility for your actions and make sure the same can be said for the other. Dont be threadjacked fron your original question of should you be honest. 3
Chi townD Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 We ALL make choices. Unless it was forced on you, then you made a choice. And, unfortunately, that choice was to cheat. Now, you can say that you made a mistake. Mistakes do happen. But, to continue to make the same mistake repeatedly is NOT a mistake but a choice that you made. It might be a wrong choice, but a choice none the less.
aliveagain Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 If you can function going to work, drive a car, make a meal then you can decide to cheat or not to cheat. Bipolar people know right from wrong just like any other person. You woke up with him choking you during sex because you went to meet him and put yourself in that situation, you knew that sex would most likely happen before you went there. I'm sure you weren't wearing your granny panties and dressed appropriately. You chose to go down the path of infidelity, drugs had nothing to do with it. You now have to deal with the consequence of your infidelity like any other cheater. Those with your illness tend to be more prone to cheating, infidelity is one of the symptoms of bipolar. That doesn't mean all bipolar people cheat it just means you have to be more aware of what situations you allow yourself to be in. You need to protect yourself and your partner when he's not there to do it himself. 1
ladydesigner Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 You were probaly manipulated into the affair. You were NOT manipulated into continuing the affair. If you EVER had a moment of clarity, from the first physical contact to the last, and you knew it was wrong, it was incumbent upon you to end it immediately. If you did not, thats on you. Again, NPD or not, you know this answer, and all the "experts" are speculating. NPD may cause bad decisions, but it does not absolve you for consistent BAD JUDGEMENT. The manipulator should pay the price, but honestly, so should you. Focus on your original question. Be honest now. Take responsibility for your actions and make sure the same can be said for the other. Dont be threadjacked fron your original question of should you be honest. Agree with the bold. if you continued the A then you were not manipulated unless it is like Stockholm syndrome.
Just a Guy Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 (edited) Hi Folks, There has been a lot of discussion on this thread by people either blaming the OP outright for her infidelity or standing in her defence. While the heat of this discussion may help the OP in deciding as to whether she was manipulated or not into having the affair, to my mind the fundamental question still remains to be addressed by her. Many people here have actually addressed it but the OP has not come out and accepted that she is going to act on it. The question is, "Is she going to confess to her partner that she has cheated on him?" To my mind it is irrelevant from the BP's point of view whether she was manipulated into having her affair or not. When she confessed to him, he is going to look at her as a cheater and is going to react as so many other BS have on this forum. I don't think he is going to involve himself in the semantics of the discussion that has taken place here. From what the OP has shared about her partner it seems he is more or less insensitive to her mental condition and suffering. In fact he has reacted by showing annoyance and blaming her for her shortcomings and then distancing himself from her. Hardly the kind of response one would expect from an SO. So my guess is he is going to react negatively to her confession and will certainly not give her the benefit of doubt in this matter. However, that does not mean that the OP should avoid telling him. As per her own claim, she is now in a stable mental condition, and is as normal as she can ever be. Her guilt is eating her up and she has expressed a desire to come clean to her partner and let him decide for himself if he wants to stay or walk. I agree with her that that is the best course of action since if he decides to stick with her it shows that he has the necessary empathy for her to be a good and dependable partner in the future and if he walks, well good riddance to bad rubbish. The fact is that in any romantic, long term relationship, both partners have to support and stick with their SOs' through thick and thin and not only during the good times. If they can't or don't there was no relationship to start with. It's what people commit to in the vows they take in front of a priest in church or in front of a Justice of the Peace(?). Hope I made some sense! Edited December 22, 2015 by Just a Guy
almond Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 If you can function going to work, drive a car, make a meal then you can decide to cheat or not to cheat. Bipolar people know right from wrong just like any other person. You woke up with him choking you during sex because you went to meet him and put yourself in that situation, you knew that sex would most likely happen before you went there. I'm sure you weren't wearing your granny panties and dressed appropriately. You chose to go down the path of infidelity, drugs had nothing to do with it. You now have to deal with the consequence of your infidelity like any other cheater. Those with your illness tend to be more prone to cheating, infidelity is one of the symptoms of bipolar. That doesn't mean all bipolar people cheat it just means you have to be more aware of what situations you allow yourself to be in. You need to protect yourself and your partner when he's not there to do it himself. You do not understand what Bipolar is at all. Many of the statements you are making are wildly inaccurate, and you really should do a lot more research to open your eyes a bit. 1
MuddyFootprints Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 I think he took absolute advantage of your mental health issues. His conduct was predatory and completely unprofessional. He is a creep. Now, the question is how are you going to protect yourself in the future?
aliveagain Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 (edited) You do not understand what Bipolar is at all. Many of the statements you are making are wildly inaccurate, and you really should do a lot more research to open your eyes a bit. All I can do is quote the 1975 study that found extramarital sexual experiences to be more frequent among bipolar people. My other source is my own personal experience with a bipolar spouse who often didn't take her medication because she liked the high she got when she was manic. This is not about me or you but my attempt to answer her question. You are an adult, you can choose to cheat or not to cheat. Edited December 22, 2015 by aliveagain
MuddyFootprints Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 A mood disordered person will seek the highs rather than the lows. The highs aren't sustainable and crashes are inevitable and even predictable. The fight for balance seems impossible. Drug intervention can make things worse if there isn't constant monitoring and support.
lollipopspot Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 My other source is my own personal experience with a bipolar spouse who often didn't take her medication because she liked the high she got when she was manic. This OP was not yet diagnosed or stable, it sounds like, so she wasn't making the choice to experience full blown mania (assuming that's what it was, which it sounds like). She was in the throes of mental illness, without making the choice to do so while in a more conscious state. 1
fellini Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Wow. So many "expert" opinions and advice founded on the usual "sounds like, looks like, often, frequently, based on studies" which are in the end, opinions driven by nothing less than a poster really weighing in on the question of infidelity and responsibility and using expert language to get there. Would it be so much for some people to say "I really am no expert on Bipolar BUT" or "I have no idea what state OP was in based on how little information we have here but" or just come out and say it "I don't buy that being bipolar has anything to do with cheating". Yes there are studies that show people on these drugs are more prone to sexual activity, yes there are studies that show that bipolar people are more prone to infidelity (for sure, Carrie Mathison is definitely my poster character for bipolar sexual freek of the year) but none of this has anything to do with the OP unless you are a professional working with bipolar patients and have actually been in direct sustained contact with OP. A couple of paragraphs is not sufficient to make assumptions and diagnosis of her condition. IMHO 2
RightThere Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Just my two cents. Although I always believe people are responsible for their own actions, as a BS, I can't discount that people get tricked and manipulated. The same person can be in a bad situation just purely due to circumstance. And sometimes all they need is that little nudge one way or another for them to cross a line. So to answer the basic question "Were you manipulated into an affair?" To some extent, yes. But that doesn't change the fact that you are responsible for being in an affair and the damage it caused. 3
lollipopspot Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Since you feel you may have been mentally unclear at that time (we're you sedated/drugged?) It seems like lot of people aren't understanding the premise of the original post and why the poster might have been compromised. Did you see the part about being treated for bipolar? 2
lollipopspot Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 I believe so... And if she was compromised while being treated then the perpetrator should be in jail. I don't think it's currently illegal to have sex with someone in the throes of mania or schizophrenia or any other mental disease. It doesn't mean they aren't compromised in any particular instance though. It's a judgment call depending on the person and success of treatment. 2
ladydesigner Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Well why if a person felt manipulated after the first time go back for more? I mean I get the whole bipolar argument but after the first time do you still excuse the second, third, fourth, etc bipolar too? I'm not understanding this. 2
Mrs. John Adams Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Well why if a person felt manipulated after the first time go back for more? I mean I get the whole bipolar argument but after the first time do you still excuse the second, third, fourth, etc bipolar too? I'm not understanding this. I agree with this and have wondered the same thing.
lollipopspot Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Well why if a person felt manipulated after the first time go back for more? I mean I get the whole bipolar argument but after the first time do you still excuse the second, third, fourth, etc bipolar too? I'm not understanding this. Not sure how long the mania lasted. I don't think this is a question that can seriously be brought to this forum, if it involves her diagnosis. No one here can possibly know how her particular illness and treatment affected her decisions. 2
Brandyundercover45 Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 Thankyou. And I agree. I don't really know why to be honest except that I was sick and lonely. I was off work sick and he pursued me and helped me. Unfortunately and please understand that this is not an excuse in any way, I am aware my reactions are my choice, but when I got sick my partner did not take it very well. He said he couldn't deal with a depressed person and was very angry when I went off work sick and would be annoyed if I talked about it or didn't want to do or not have energy for some things. I tried to keep it together but in the end I had to seek help which led to being signed off work. The meds were so horrible, just before they sent me to the land of mania they increased my anxiety so bad and I couldn't talk to my partner cos he'd get mad, one time it was so bad that I cut my leg, I felt so bad and my partner was so angry and I let him down so bad he said he would break up with me but changed his mind. The OM was not MY therapist or anything we worked in the same industry but he is in the clinical mental health side. He was trying to help me and he was there for me when I was really alone, I honestly do not remember much at all from that period either with him or without him, the best way I can describe it is to say that although I was there I was not 'present' I cannot for example remember any detail of Christmas Day spent with my family. But that doesn't mean I am trying to bluff it off and say I can't remember the whole affair or anything like that, and I also don't remember anything bad or feeling manipulated. I trusted him, he is a lot older than me and has been working a long time in our field. I remember he said a purple of weird things but honestly I could've made them up in my head. I don't trust my judgement from that time. I am honestly doing a lot better now so I feel I must tell my partner soon. Regardless if he was YOUR therapist or not, he knew what he was doing. You were under medication and he's a therapist and knows one is not thinking clearly. I've been on benzos (Zoloft) and I know how out of it you can be on that mess. I'd have his butt picked up for statutory rape. You have a good case here. And if your partner loves you, he'll understand that you weren't totally "there". Sounds like you were indeed victimized and should press charges. I'm so sorry you went through that.
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