Was I 'manipulated' into affair?

[Useless89]

Hi all. I'm very nervous so I'm sorry if I am at all unclear.

 

Long and short is that I had an affair, my partner doesn't know and now that I am recovering from illness I hate myself very deeply and have nothing but deep shame and regret for what I have done and I'm preparing to tell my partner because I just love him so much and he deserves so much better than me. I know the best thing o can do after having ruined everything is at least give him the chance to find a good person.

 

Before telling him, I confided in a very close friend of many years. To my complete shock, this friend feels I have been manipulated or used at a vulnerable time by the other man. I feel sick even thinking about this because I feel it is absolutely 100% my fault. But I still would like some honest opinion really to help process and to confirm my thoughts.

 

The reasons my friend has cited is that I was ill when i got to know him, he pursued and told me to do things and told me to get out of relationship etc under helping me out because he is a mental health professional and 20 years older, and that we were physical during times I was not in my right mind (when I started new meds I can't really remember anything around that time and unfortunately I started on antidepressants that sent me into a full manic episode, discovering I have bipolar disorder)

 

I feel like these reasons are pretty weak but now I'm concerned about including all the details in telling my partner because I don't want him to feel I don't take responsibility or trying to excuse my behaviour

 

I just don't know what to do and it's eating me up inside. I don't think I have slept for months and every day I don't tell him feels like I am betraying him more. Really disgusted in all aspects of myself.

[burnt]

The reasons my friend has cited is that I was ill when i got to know him, he pursued and told me to do things and told me to get out of relationship etc under helping me out because he is a mental health professional and 20 years older, and that we were physical during times I was not in my right mind (when I started new meds I can't really remember anything around that time and unfortunately I started on antidepressants that sent me into a full manic episode, discovering I have bipolar disorder)

 

I feel like these reasons are pretty weak

 

Really disgusted in all aspects of myself.

 

Are you saying he was your psychiatrist or your therapist? As far as I know, that is illegal for a mental health professional to get involved with a patient, and he would lose his license.

 

And there is a very VERY good reason for this law--anyone in that profession exerts an incredible amount of power over the mind of someone with a mental illness or seeking support in that field. The power of manipulation is overwhelmingly strong.

 

If what you are saying is correct, then your friend is absolutely right. The reasons are not 'pretty weak', they are profoundly violating your patient rights and taking advantage of your in a vulnerable stage.

 

Please talk to us more here to get more feedback from people here.

[ladydesigner]

Hi all. I'm very nervous so I'm sorry if I am at all unclear.

 

Long and short is that I had an affair, my partner doesn't know and now that I am recovering from illness I hate myself very deeply and have nothing but deep shame and regret for what I have done and I'm preparing to tell my partner because I just love him so much and he deserves so much better than me. I know the best thing o can do after having ruined everything is at least give him the chance to find a good person.

 

Before telling him, I confided in a very close friend of many years. To my complete shock, this friend feels I have been manipulated or used at a vulnerable time by the other man. I feel sick even thinking about this because I feel it is absolutely 100% my fault. But I still would like some honest opinion really to help process and to confirm my thoughts.

 

The reasons my friend has cited is that I was ill when i got to know him, he pursued and told me to do things and told me to get out of relationship etc under helping me out because he is a mental health professional and 20 years older, and that we were physical during times I was not in my right mind (when I started new meds I can't really remember anything around that time and unfortunately I started on antidepressants that sent me into a full manic episode, discovering I have bipolar disorder)

 

I feel like these reasons are pretty weak but now I'm concerned about including all the details in telling my partner because I don't want him to feel I don't take responsibility or trying to excuse my behaviour

 

I just don't know what to do and it's eating me up inside. I don't think I have slept for months and every day I don't tell him feels like I am betraying him more. Really disgusted in all aspects of myself.

 

No one is ever manipulated into having an A with someone unless you are raped. If you went willingly with your OM then you were not manipulated.

 

I would try to focus more on why you let yourself get to a point where you thought it would be okay to have an A.

[Useless89]

No one is ever manipulated into having an A with someone unless you are raped. If you went willingly with your OM then you were not manipulated.

 

I would try to focus more on why you let yourself get to a point where you thought it would be okay to have an A.

 

Thankyou. And I agree.

 

I don't really know why to be honest except that I was sick and lonely. I was off work sick and he pursued me and helped me.

 

Unfortunately and please understand that this is not an excuse in any way, I am aware my reactions are my choice, but when I got sick my partner did not take it very well. He said he couldn't deal with a depressed person and was very angry when I went off work sick and would be annoyed if I talked about it or didn't want to do or not have energy for some things. I tried to keep it together but in the end I had to seek help which led to being signed off work.

 

The meds were so horrible, just before they sent me to the land of mania they increased my anxiety so bad and I couldn't talk to my partner cos he'd get mad, one time it was so bad that I cut my leg, I felt so bad and my partner was so angry and I let him down so bad he said he would break up with me but changed his mind.

 

The OM was not MY therapist or anything we worked in the same industry but he is in the clinical mental health side. He was trying to help me and he was there for me when I was really alone, I honestly do not remember much at all from that period either with him or without him, the best way I can describe it is to say that although I was there I was not 'present' I cannot for example remember any detail of Christmas Day spent with my family. But that doesn't mean I am trying to bluff it off and say I can't remember the whole affair or anything like that, and I also don't remember anything bad or feeling manipulated. I trusted him, he is a lot older than me and has been working a long time in our field. I remember he said a purple of weird things but honestly I could've made them up in my head. I don't trust my judgement from that time.

 

I am honestly doing a lot better now so I feel I must tell my partner soon.

[ladydesigner]

Thankyou. And I agree.

 

I don't really know why to be honest except that I was sick and lonely. I was off work sick and he pursued me and helped me.

 

Unfortunately and please understand that this is not an excuse in any way, I am aware my reactions are my choice, but when I got sick my partner did not take it very well. He said he couldn't deal with a depressed person and was very angry when I went off work sick and would be annoyed if I talked about it or didn't want to do or not have energy for some things. I tried to keep it together but in the end I had to seek help which led to being signed off work.

 

The meds were so horrible, just before they sent me to the land of mania they increased my anxiety so bad and I couldn't talk to my partner cos he'd get mad, one time it was so bad that I cut my leg, I felt so bad and my partner was so angry and I let him down so bad he said he would break up with me but changed his mind.

 

The OM was not MY therapist or anything we worked in the same industry but he is in the clinical mental health side. He was trying to help me and he was there for me when I was really alone, I honestly do not remember much at all from that period either with him or without him, the best way I can describe it is to say that although I was there I was not 'present' I cannot for example remember any detail of Christmas Day spent with my family. But that doesn't mean I am trying to bluff it off and say I can't remember the whole affair or anything like that, and I also don't remember anything bad or feeling manipulated. I trusted him, he is a lot older than me and has been working a long time in our field. I remember he said a purple of weird things but honestly I could've made them up in my head. I don't trust my judgement from that time.

 

I am honestly doing a lot better now so I feel I must tell my partner soon.

 

I think your partner should have been more empathetic with your situation. I am on anti-depressants and mood stabilizers as I was diagnosed as being Bipolar after Dday. I understand the cutting too but don't do that again, please talk to a therapist if you ever feel this way again. While I understand how and why A's happen, they usually don't make us or our partners feel good about ourselves.

 

Most here will ascribe to telling the partner and if you want an honest relationship that is the way to go. I wish you the best! BTW I am an xMOW too so I have had my own A as well.

[lollipopspot]

If you have bipolar 1 and had a full blown manic episode, then your actions need to be put in that context. If that's the case, you literally were not in your right mind and needed help. It's a serious mental illness. I hope you have gotten adequate treatment.

[Useless89]

If you have bipolar 1 and had a full blown manic episode, then your actions need to be put in that context. If that's the case, you literally were not in your right mind and needed help. It's a serious mental illness. I hope you have gotten adequate treatment.

 

I take lithium now and it balances me out well. I am worried about the aftermath of telling and how I'm going to support myself but it's on my own shoulders and I accept it

[lollipopspot]

I take lithium now and it balances me out well. I am worried about the aftermath of telling and how I'm going to support myself but it's on my own shoulders and I accept it

 

I think you need to have your support system in place - family and counseling. If you have bipolar 1 that is serious, and your boyfriend doesn't sound understanding.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am sure there are people that can manipulate other people into doing all kinds of things.....

 

However....we need to be careful that we don't place blame for our inappropriate behavior on others when ultimately the choice is still ours to make.

 

If you plan to try to heal your relationship....one of the first things your so will need from you is that you own what you did....regardless of why you did it. So even if....the situation was manipulated....you were not forced to make the decision you made to cheat.....and i am one of those people that believes you have to rebuild a relationship on honesty....which means that you need to tell your so what you have done.....and give them the choice as to whether they even WANT reconciliation.

[Useless89]

Perhaps you should ask this of your psychiatrist vs lay folks here. He or she might be abke to tell you if your meds or illness played a significant role.

 

It's not a great system where I am, I don't talk to my 'psychiatrist' about that stuff you meet them like three times I had a follow up about the meds then counselling is an option and I've taken it but the waiting list is about 3 months unless you go private which no way will my partner be ok with cos it's just wasting money

 

My friend has just text me with quite a stark message saying in black and white the things she thinks are shady about OM such as the fact he lied about his age to a significant degree and that one time while I was saying lightheartedly that I used to self medicate with drugs and that opiates were amazing he said he could inject me if I wanted. I don't know though I mean I really had deep feelings for this man but I try not to think about him now

 

It's just been a really hard year and a bit, i lost my best friend in the world and work have been terrible about me falling apart and my partner kinda shut me out and I really started feeling like I was the only person who could see me for awhile, but then he saw me. I was weak.

[Useless89]

Please guys don't count me out of a normal conversation just because I have mental health issues - I sincerely appreciate that concern though but please be reassured that I am seeking perspective and opinion from others and in no way will it influence me to take a drastic action without disclosing and adhering to medical professionals. I'm on an even keel and I've worked hard toward recovery, I take my health seriously even though I don't care much about my self, because me being ill makes other people unhappy.

 

I really miss the OM. And writing that makes me feel like the worst person in the world. But I feel like I have to accept that I do and understand that it's normal and just do all I can to not think about him and remove all temptation to speak to him.

[Useless89]

Find a way to see a shrink or a psychologist if you want to inquire about whether your meds or illness could have contributed. Just pay for it. You will get all types of speculation from lay folks here, unless one of the posters has expertise.

 

To me, it isn't a burning question. Nothing happened I didn't consent too, my judgement wasn't the best but I wasn't forced to do anything.

[SoulStorm]

To me, it isn't a burning question. Nothing happened I didn't consent too, my judgement wasn't the best but I wasn't forced to do anything.

Then he didn't take advantage of you. He took advantage of the situation you were in. It was still your choice to do the things you did with him.

 

So your friend has no case against him. Especially if you were inappropriate with him willingly on more than one occasion.

 

Even now you have fond memories and difficulty detaching. That sounds more like participation than manipulation

[Useless89]

Then he didn't take advantage of you. He took advantage of the situation you were in. It was still your choice to do the things you did with him.

 

So your friend has no case against him. Especially if you were inappropriate with him willingly on more than one occasion.

 

Even now you have fond memories and difficulty detaching. That sounds more like participation than manipulation

 

Yes I believe so. She seems to be under the impression I'm like brainwashed or something just because I don't remember the first times we had sex etc

[katielee]

When I had my affair my kid was over in Afghanistan getting shot at every day. So the feck what. I'm still fully to blame.

[Horton]

To me, it isn't a burning question. Nothing happened I didn't consent too, my judgement wasn't the best but I wasn't forced to do anything.

 

It's good that you're gonna confess to your partner, while it doesn't guarantee he will stick around it does increase your chances of eventually working things out as opposed to being caught, at least that's what I gather from what I've read over the years. Plus there's the fact that it's the right thing to do, letting him decide if he wants to stay with you with all of the cards laid out on the table.

 

Having said all that, I do think you already understand the reality of what happened from reading what I quoted above, but you're (possibly sub-consciously) seeking an "out". Something that makes what you did seem less bad or not entirely your fault. While this is an understandable life preserver for somebody whose drowning in their own guilt to seek, it isn't rational nor very productive IMO. Whether you were manipulated by the OM or not is irrelevant. You're a grown woman(I assume) and you made your own choices, each and every one of them occurred at your behest. Each decision we make is ours to own medication or no medication, alcohol or no alcohol etc. etc.

[lollipopspot]

Yes I believe so. She seems to be under the impression I'm like brainwashed or something just because I don't remember the first times we had sex etc

 

If you actually don't remember, you were probably in the throes of a manic episode. Honestly this probably isn't the forum for you, it sounds like there are more serious things going on here and people will overlook them in order to pile on the cheater.

[Mrs. John Adams]

We all have our reasons for infidelity.....and it sounds to me like you have a whole lot of stuff going on that I cannot begin to address....

 

But i do know this...if you decide to tell your SO...about your affair...the LAST thing he is going to want to hear is all the "stuff" you have posted.

 

You see...what he is going to hear in your confession is that you chose to have sex with someone else over a period of time....and during that time....he had no clue... so you blindsided him.

 

He will not want excuses or reasons...he will be devastated...because now...no matter what the reason is....you are no longer the person he thought you were....so his foundation is knocked out from under him.

 

He will be frightened and sad and angry and lost......and the one thing he will not want to hear is what he did wrong....or excuses from you that sound the least bit like you do not take responsibility.

 

I personally think you need professional help on many levels....and i hope you seek that....and i agree that this forum is probably not the best place for you to find what you are looking for...because i don't know that you are emotionally equipped to handle what may be thrown at you here.

 

This is not a place where you will be handled delicately....as has already been demonstrated...and i do feel like you may need someone professionally better equipped to help you.

 

I am sorry that you find yourself here and in this situation....please get professional help.

[Useless89]

It's good that you're gonna confess to your partner, while it doesn't guarantee he will stick around it does increase your chances of eventually working things out as opposed to being caught, at least that's what I gather from what I've read over the years. Plus there's the fact that it's the right thing to do, letting him decide if he wants to stay with you with all of the cards laid out on the table.

 

Having said all that, I do think you already understand the reality of what happened from reading what I quoted above, but you're (possibly sub-consciously) seeking an "out". Something that makes what you did seem less bad or not entirely your fault. While this is an understandable life preserver for somebody whose drowning in their own guilt to seek, it isn't rational nor very productive IMO. Whether you were manipulated by the OM or not is irrelevant. You're a grown woman(I assume) and you made your own choices, each and every one of them occurred at your behest. Each decision we make is ours to own medication or no medication, alcohol or no alcohol etc. etc.

 

Um no not at a though, I'm not in even the remotest way looking for an out and I don't think it's fair to say I am 'subconsciously' either really seeing as I have cleat said otherwise and my only concern is whether to include this information for fear of partner thinking the same thing. Which means withholding a lot of information.

[Useless89]

We all have our reasons for infidelity.....and it sounds to me like you have a whole lot of stuff going on that I cannot begin to address....

 

But i do know this...if you decide to tell your SO...about your affair...the LAST thing he is going to want to hear is all the "stuff" you have posted.

 

You see...what he is going to hear in your confession is that you chose to have sex with someone else over a period of time....and during that time....he had no clue... so you blindsided him.

 

He will not want excuses or reasons...he will be devastated...because now...no matter what the reason is....you are no longer the person he thought you were....so his foundation is knocked out from under him.

 

He will be frightened and sad and angry and lost......and the one thing he will not want to hear is what he did wrong....or excuses from you that sound the least bit like you do not take responsibility.

 

I personally think you need professional help on many levels....and i hope you seek that....and i agree that this forum is probably not the best place for you to find what you are looking for...because i don't know that you are emotionally equipped to handle what may be thrown at you here.

 

This is not a place where you will be handled delicately....as has already been demonstrated...and i do feel like you may need someone professionally better equipped to help you.

 

I am sorry that you find yourself here and in this situation....please get professional help.

 

Thanks but I find this a little bit insulting how you've repeatedly begged me to get professional help here as if my mention of the professional help I do have and the hard work I have done and the fact I feel good now means nothing just because I have included my mental health issues - don't you think that's a touch heavy handed? I don't need a censor telling me I'm too delicate.

[Useless89]

If you actually don't remember, you were probably in the throes of a manic episode. Honestly this probably isn't the forum for you, it sounds like there are more serious things going on here and people will overlook them in order to pile on the cheater.

 

there is no probably about it, I was 100% in 'the throes of a manic episode' but there is little point continuing to talk about any of the details I want to talk about, seeing as people are a lot more discriminatory on here then I thought they would be seeing as the main advise is generally if I talk about mental health stuff people immediately shriek 'we can't help! Go see psych! Get help!' which I'm finding increasingly rude seeing as I have done that and I'm proud of where I am. There is absolutely no reason for anyone to tiptoe around me or suggest my capacity isn't full right now.

 

And on the flip side there are others on here who've responded to this by saying in including the details here I am 'subconsciously' looking for an out, when I just wanna be able to talk about it! Would be good if people could respond to me like I'm a normal poster on here rather than making me feel like a dangerous liability.

 

I was more than prepared for a discussion, harsh and differing opinions, however very disappointed at the repeated bleating of 'get help!' which considering the content of my post hat clearly says I have plenty of help is rather condescending.

[dreamingoftigers]

there is no probably about it, I was 100% in 'the throes of a manic episode' but there is little point continuing to talk about any of the details I want to talk about, seeing as people are a lot more discriminatory on here then I thought they would be seeing as the main advise is generally if I talk about mental health stuff people immediately shriek 'we can't help! Go see psych! Get help!' which I'm finding increasingly rude seeing as I have done that and I'm proud of where I am. There is absolutely no reason for anyone to tiptoe around me or suggest my capacity isn't full right now.

 

And on the flip side there are others on here who've responded to this by saying in including the details here I am 'subconsciously' looking for an out, when I just wanna be able to talk about it! Would be good if people could respond to me like I'm a normal poster on here rather than making me feel like a dangerous liability.

 

I was more than prepared for a discussion, harsh and differing opinions, however very disappointed at the repeated bleating of 'get help!' which considering the content of my post hat clearly says I have plenty of help is rather condescending.

 

Whoa. Hold on. Don't be out yet.

 

I don't think many are saying that you aren't CURRENTLY balanced. I think you sound balanced CURRENTLY.

 

But last year, you werent. I get that totally.

 

I dated someone for a time and had a long friendship after that had bipolar (same as his twin brother).

 

I myself was diagnosed with BPD in my early 20s.

I had a lot of help and had to do my own legwork to overcome a lot of that.

 

IMHO the general recommendation has been to see if the mania was a heavy determining factor in the infidelity.

 

I am willing to bet a couple of dollars that it was.

 

Having had a major imbalance in my early 20s, I did and said things that aren't consistent with what I believe to be my character.

 

Without the mental health episode I had all of those years ago, I would probably be unable to relate. I also literally don't think and physically perceive things the way I did back then. It's more than just a case of "learning to react better." After EMDR, my brain literally functioned differently and I don't trigger to anything suicidal at all.

 

I think what many of the posters are trying to say isn't "you got the crazy, get help!"

 

It's more like, "okay, you don't seem to fit the typical cheater mode here. If you were imbalanced it would probably be better to find out from a professional if that influenced your behaviour or if you were [selfish, cheaty, whatever motivation]"

 

People aren't saying that they can't have a "normal convo" with you.

 

In fact, what they are saying is you might not be as at fault as you are beating yourself up over.

 

Frankly, if someone injected me with a bunch of drugs like meth or something without me knowing (this causing an imbalance); you can bet my behaviour would be altered, and it would not necessarily be a reflection of my values or character at all.

 

You got sick, you got a new diagnosis. It's a really tough go accepting that and retaining your self-esteem. That's a struggle in and of itself. It took awhile to adjust to the fact that some of how my brain senses and reacts is the enemy. It took longer to accept what I had done, know that I wasn't in that place and realize I got to choose the person I became. Self-forgiveness can be very tough. But I also remember what I was perceiving and feeling at that time.

 

There's lots of complexity in your situation. I have no issues calling a conflict-avoidant cheater with 10,000 lame excuses to account. I think you are being too hard on yourself without knowing for sure if there is cause.

[Lady2163]

I do think you were targeted and seduced. Which does make the OM a total tool.

 

Only you know your true mental state. If you were in the throes of mental illness or a manic episode, you really may not have been able to fully consent.

 

If you have the illness better controlled and know you would not consent today, chances are you weren't in your right mind.

 

I'm never a fan of telling the betrayed partner. Often for different reasons, but if he is the kind of man who wants specifics and details, it may cause more trouble than you can deal with when you just don't know and don't remember.

 

But yes, I also think you need to see a counselor, a psychologist a minister, someone to talk it over with before you confess (if you still want to). Have the, work with you, role play and prepare you for all different reactions.

 

Good luck.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Hello,

I want to post from the perspective of the betrayed husband, whose wife also claims she was manipulated. I want to let you know that I don't doubt that she was manipulated, but I absolutely detest the stand that the affair happened because of manipulation.

In my opinion, this tendency of you to even put 1% of the blame on being manipulated could be the difference between your husband forgiving you or not.

I'm telling you from first hand experience that I may not reconcile with my wife for that being one of the very strong reasons. Do read my detailed post on this forum if you would like to know more.

If you would like to bring up the manipulation aspect, I think you certainly should, but simply "put it on the table" and leave your husband to conclude anything that he would like to. Chances are that if you leave the freedom of judgement to him, he may actually (maybe eventually) surprise you, by supporting some of the reasoning behind the circumstances under which the affair happened. That is very different from blaming the circumstances for the affair.

I would say, take 100% of the blame and anything less than 100% is something that your husband may demote the blame to.

Honestly, my heart goes out to every betrayed spouse, but in truth, I also feel upset about the fact that your husband did not support you during your illness in the way he should have. Yet, that does not justify your affair because you were completely in your senses.

Wishing you heartfelt good wishes towards a successful reconciliation.

Also, another note: The pain I have felt as a betrayed husband has been the worst pain I have ever experienced in my 40+ years of life. Its excruciating, debilitating and I suffer incredibly everyday, even 8 months after my wife confessed the affair to me. I only have a hope that one day my pain will go away, but nothing else to live by. I live each day like a mentally and emotionally challenged patient, limping through life, while also dealing with everything without the support of my wife! That is a triple whammy of pain. Don't make those mistakes if you really do love your husband and don't want him to suffer in pain. If you want to, internalize the transfer of blame to the circumstances or being manipulated, but don't let him know or make excuses.

[SweetiePi]

When a person is drunk beyond recognition and someone has sex with them (they may not remember) it is generally called rape. Why is this not the case with someone who has bipolar who is in the mania stage and is not able to properly consent? At least with a person who is drunk they have the ability to not drink at all or stop at some point. The OP is suffering from a mental illness out of their control.

 

OP from your posts, it seems you are aware and have done work on getting mentally healthy. Congrats. It can be a long, hard road. Don't allow people who have no concept of what BP can do to a person's ability to think properly to pull you down.

 

Yes I believe so. She seems to be under the impression I'm like brainwashed or something just because I don't remember the first times we had sex etc

Edited December 18, 2015 by SweetiePi