Mylenie Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 As you know my story husband cheated with the same woman twice. So I wanted to give it another try. How do I know if I'm making the right decision? Quick update. We talked about the affair, we also talked about marital issues that we both have with one another. One of mine was that he never listens to anything I say. His response was that he was retaliating against me. My assumption was that working on the marriage means that he will work on that too. Atleast prove to me that he doesn't retaliate against me. But he still doesn't listen to anything I say. I have been working so hard to change the things he asked me to change and I feel he hasnt doing much to change his. So listening is one of them. It's like he didn't listen to even a word I said when we had a heart to heart. I mean simple things that hurt. Been asking him to wash his sneakers cos they smell bad. and during our heart to heart I mentioned this as an example of the way he don't listen. Then he told me he doesn't wash them because I ask the helper to wash mine but not his. I asked why he didn't mention that to me the 1st or 4th time I asked and there was no answer. I then explained why I don't ask the helper to wash his sneakers. 1. they are not running shoes like mine, they are delicate material. and our helper is famous for messing things up. He still didn't . So I did cos he still wore them and they smelt really bad. So today I ask him to put them out for me since they didn't dry cos I was in a hurry. asked him to also call someone for me. When I return a few hours later, they were in the house and the call was not made. Now I am wondering if I should use this as one of the things I should look at if I want to stay. I feel like he is making it clear that he will never listen to me. I told him in a calm tone last week that him still having his OW number means he doesn't care about how this makes me feel. He said I'll delete it I asked him why, because he shouldn't do it cos I told him to but do it cos he wants to. 2 days later I checked and her number was still there. I said nothing. The following day when I checked he had deleted it. To me he only remembered when I asked to use his phone. he knew I was gonna check, so when he got the phone back he deleted it. What do you make of this?
purplesorrow Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 As you know my story husband cheated with the same woman twice. So I wanted to give it another try. How do I know if I'm making the right decision? Quick update. We talked about the affair, we also talked about marital issues that we both have with one another. One of mine was that he never listens to anything I say. His response was that he was retaliating against me. My assumption was that working on the marriage means that he will work on that too. Atleast prove to me that he doesn't retaliate against me. But he still doesn't listen to anything I say. I have been working so hard to change the things he asked me to change and I feel he hasnt doing much to change his. So listening is one of them. It's like he didn't listen to even a word I said when we had a heart to heart. I mean simple things that hurt. Been asking him to wash his sneakers cos they smell bad. and during our heart to heart I mentioned this as an example of the way he don't listen. Then he told me he doesn't wash them because I ask the helper to wash mine but not his. I asked why he didn't mention that to me the 1st or 4th time I asked and there was no answer. I then explained why I don't ask the helper to wash his sneakers. 1. they are not running shoes like mine, they are delicate material. and our helper is famous for messing things up. He still didn't . So I did cos he still wore them and they smelt really bad. So today I ask him to put them out for me since they didn't dry cos I was in a hurry. asked him to also call someone for me. When I return a few hours later, they were in the house and the call was not made. Now I am wondering if I should use this as one of the things I should look at if I want to stay. I feel like he is making it clear that he will never listen to me. I told him in a calm tone last week that him still having his OW number means he doesn't care about how this makes me feel. He said I'll delete it I asked him why, because he shouldn't do it cos I told him to but do it cos he wants to. 2 days later I checked and her number was still there. I said nothing. The following day when I checked he had deleted it. To me he only remembered when I asked to use his phone. he knew I was gonna check, so when he got the phone back he deleted it. What do you make of this? You're not his mother. If he wants funky sneakers, that's his choice. Why would you have to tell a grown man how his shoes should be? You need to be concerned with continued contact with the ap and if he really wants to reconcile. 2
katielee Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 not only should he delete her number he should block her number. 3
Diezel Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 What is it that they say about the third time? 1
gettingstronger Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 What to look for? Simple, just make sure you don't lose yourself in the reconciliation process. If you find yourself doing things that are not you or don't make you happy, you need to regroup. 1
dichotomy Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 (edited) You might benefit from this book - it helped me somewhat. Boundaries in Marriage: Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend, Dick Fredricks: 9781480554993: Amazon.com: Books basically there is a difference between telling or yelling at someone to do something, and simply stating your boundary and what you will do if they don't respect your boundary. I am not saying this always is how I handled things - I had some fairly strong demands about phones. Edited December 17, 2015 by dichotomy
Author Mylenie Posted December 17, 2015 Author Posted December 17, 2015 I havent checked the attached link yet, but you can imagine , how impossible it is to tell "babe please put the sneakers out cos they are not dry" But I will check the link and see what it says. You might benefit from this book - it helped me somewhat. Boundaries in Marriage: Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend, Dick Fredricks: 9781480554993: Amazon.com: Books basically there is a difference between telling or yelling at someone to do something, and simply stating your boundary and what you will do if they don't respect your boundary. I am not saying this always is how I handled things - I had some fairly strong demands about phones.
Author Mylenie Posted December 17, 2015 Author Posted December 17, 2015 Well. I guess if you haven't been in a situation whereby th are at a resturant with friends and all that everyone can smell are his sneakers and you are embarrased because everyone is thinking why didn't she tell him. Or you have company in the car and the entire car is funky. My biggest issue throughout our marriage is that I taught him or made him comfortable with the fact that if he procrastinate or refuse to do something, I just do it and become bitter about. In my original post last week or so. I did mention things like changing globes and stuff. So it's my fault. I should have taught him how to treat me. But even when I try he flatly refuses by actions. You're not his mother. If he wants funky sneakers, that's his choice. Why would you have to tell a grown man how his shoes should be? You need to be concerned with continued contact with the ap and if he really wants to reconcile.
katielee Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 But even when I try he flatly refuses by actions. so let him suffer the consequences. He no longer rides in the car. His friends think he smells bad. Refuse to own his poor choices. 2
angel.eyes Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 His funky sneakers are the least of your concerns! Focusing on minutiae is a way to avoid the reality of your situation and the tough questions you need to address. I have been working so hard to change the things he asked me to change and I feel he hasnt doing much to change his. Each time he's been caught, it's you that's at fault for his cheating and you that he expects to change. He's on his third chance, and you're still the one twisting in pretzels to make things work. Sadly, you're the only one trying to save your marriage. That's because it's clear that you will never leave him. So he does what works for him, resumed his relationship with the same woman until he was caught again, and continues to blame you whenever you share your concerns. I'm a huge advocate for trying to save a marriage, but both spouses need to be committed to that end. Unfortunately, what we have here is an unrepentant repeat cheater without any remorse for his choices, his actions, or the hurt he's caused who blame shifts on to the spouse he betrayed. Sorry, but years in and after being caught twice, you shouldn't have to tell him to delete his mistress'phone number. That's a no-brainer. Nothing's really changed. If you don't want a three-peat, you have some tough decisions ahead. 4
purplesorrow Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 (edited) I agree with klee, let him suffer the consequences. He is an adult. Edited December 17, 2015 by purplesorrow
merrmeade Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 Look, we all have our version of the sneakers conundrum but agree it's a synopsis of a general relationship problem. The phone is separate, totally significant. Big, big deal and needs a consequence for your genuine reaction.
ladydesigner Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 As you know my story husband cheated with the same woman twice. So I wanted to give it another try. How do I know if I'm making the right decision? Quick update. We talked about the affair, we also talked about marital issues that we both have with one another. One of mine was that he never listens to anything I say. His response was that he was retaliating against me. My assumption was that working on the marriage means that he will work on that too. Atleast prove to me that he doesn't retaliate against me. But he still doesn't listen to anything I say. I have been working so hard to change the things he asked me to change and I feel he hasnt doing much to change his. So listening is one of them. It's like he didn't listen to even a word I said when we had a heart to heart. I mean simple things that hurt. Been asking him to wash his sneakers cos they smell bad. and during our heart to heart I mentioned this as an example of the way he don't listen. Then he told me he doesn't wash them because I ask the helper to wash mine but not his. I asked why he didn't mention that to me the 1st or 4th time I asked and there was no answer. I then explained why I don't ask the helper to wash his sneakers. 1. they are not running shoes like mine, they are delicate material. and our helper is famous for messing things up. He still didn't . So I did cos he still wore them and they smelt really bad. So today I ask him to put them out for me since they didn't dry cos I was in a hurry. asked him to also call someone for me. When I return a few hours later, they were in the house and the call was not made. Now I am wondering if I should use this as one of the things I should look at if I want to stay. I feel like he is making it clear that he will never listen to me. I told him in a calm tone last week that him still having his OW number means he doesn't care about how this makes me feel. He said I'll delete it. I asked him why, because he shouldn't do it cos I told him to but do it cos he wants to. Well why didn't he do it the first time then!. My WH gave me the same crap excuse. 2 days later I checked and her number was still there. I said nothing. The following day when I checked he had deleted it. To me he only remembered when I asked to use his phone. he knew I was gonna check, so when he got the phone back he deleted it. What do you make of this? I honestly do not have a good feeling about this. I have a feeling they may still be in contact. OP if I were you I would be digging a lot deeper (install a keylogger, VAR, etc). and do not tell him. Then see what happens, see what you find before you decide that you want R or not.
Mrs. John Adams Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 The one thing i am hearing in this is that YOU seem to be the one doing all the work...You are the one changing or trying to change. Your husband is the one who cheated....it is up to him to do everything possible to prove to you that he even deserves a second chance. YOU should not be the one that is accommodating. This means that he should be WILLING to do whatever you ask of him to prove to you that he is sincere. This means complete transparency....and if he is not willing to comply...you have an answer.....it may not be the answer you want....but it is an answer. If you still have insecurity about his phone or contact with the OW....then HE should be willing to put those fears to rest and give you full access to his phone or computer or whatever. Be strong...take back your power.....and make him show you how much he wants you and this relationship. 2
underpants Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 What to look out for i you choose to stay? The other way, I suppose.
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