DodgersFan15 Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 It's something I've done a 180 on. During the first month or two, I always blamed the breakup on my share of bad luck due to life's events that came in the way. I believed every word my ex said with why she couldn't be invested in the relationship anymore. However, with the passing of time, and with a lot of reflection, I now see the reasons behind my ex's departure did not make sense even though at the time did. I now believe that my ex broke up with me because she did not love me enough. Simply put, the love, while at one point strong, just wasn't strong enough on her part with the passing of time..... Do any of you guys have similar thoughts both past or present, in that as time passes bye, you change your view and see through all the dust?? When my ex broke up with me she gave a whole list of reasons, many of which were out of my control such as stress in her life related to enrolling full time in grad school, working full-time in her job, distance, and her unknown where-abouts regarding where she would be living in the future etc., etc... At the time, I tried all I could to in letting her know these were just hurdles. She maintained that she still loved me, and there was no other person in the picture. However, try as I may to persuade her to not go thru with it, she had clearly made up her mind. I was devastated for a few months. I blamed her for deserting me, while as the same time blaming myself for not doing enough even though I was close to as perfect in being a loving partner as I could have been. I also blamed my bad luck. I felt that I was unlucky and in many ways "cursed" for having bad luck... Even tho I know she is not in another relationship and she didn't lie about that, I also now know that what she said about the cause of the breakup on her part were B.S.; The truth of the matter is that if somebody loved you, they would never break-up with you; Therefore, my ex simply did not love me enough. It's something that's definitely NOT easy to admit because there is a lot of pride and hurt in one's own admission of this, but after a long time, it is in my beleif, the truth. Anyone else gone through a similar experience in the changing of your thoughts?
xuanqi1988 Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 It never hits you until later, does it? I honestly don't think people break up over small things like stress, although that was one of the reasons I was given when my ex broke up with me as well. He got really distant because he was stressed out about a high possibility of moving back to his home country due to work. I had always known he didn't love me enough in hindsight, because he had acted unavailable many other times during our relationship and gave me a variety of excuses. However, none of these excuses justified his actions. Unlike you, I came to realize not long after the break up and actually confronted my ex about it. I messaged him 3 weeks after the breakup, still sounding angry and bitter. Knowing him, he would do anything or say anything to get out of drama. So he texted me back, telling me "you need to get over me and this whole thing""I couldn't commit because I don't love you as deep as you love me" and that "I don't see myself marrying you". Very brutal, but I know it was the truth. It's funny how we always knew things in hindsight but would rather stay in denial. I think knowing the truth really helped me move on and start NC.
Bo34 Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 I think this is normal. A lot of people experience this mainly because in the beginning we're in that denial stage. We're far too emotional to think rationally at what was said or done. When you get dumped, many times you still feel there is a chance that you and your partner can work things out. Later on it's then the thought of them returning back to you. It is only with the passing of time where you can objectively and rationally analyze things for what they were. 1
Jax13 Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 My ex gave me every reason under the sun for breaking up with me 1.5 months ago. They included: Not enough religion in my life (I've been going to church regularly my whole life)I'm not independent enough (I'm an only child and doing things on my own forever)She's too grown up now (yet still goes out and gets hammered every weekend and goes home with randoms)I'm not man enough (I don't pick fights or get really angry when something doesn't go my way)She's a commitment phobe when things get seriousI remind her of her dad (yikes...maybe a bit in the fact that I'm pretty calm at everything)I don't know how to cook enough stuff (really...really...???)There's a bunch of others but I am starting to realize that lots of the problems are hers and not mine. She's going back to school and is afraid everyone will forget her and that when she gets back, everyone will have moved on and grown up, so she wants to get her partying in now. I think that's the real reason. She said she wants to give me an explanation of what happened and the feelings she was bottling up for awhile before the breakup. I wonder if she's actually gonna tell the truth or if it'll just be more excuses.
DontBreakEven Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 Yes, except it took me 8 months and finally confronting her to find out the real reason. I was stuck in my head for the past 8 months believing that our breakup was just a circumstance of bad timing and locale differences. I still don't know the "real reason", as she still claims how deeply she loves me - but give me a break. I had her on the phone and told her that was it, it was her final moment to try and fix it. I got silence. I don't care her reasons anymore. They are litany of sh*t that has nothing to do with me, and all with her. The way she chooses to live her life is completely different than what I would choose. She's essentially a nomad, with no real means of deep connection to anyone, though she acts as if there are deep connections. Her actions say completely otherwise. The last thing I heard from her is that I am better off without her uncertainties and constant change. I told her that she was correct. I am. In the end, I loved her more than she loved me. Duh.
itisdanielle Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 Yes it did with me, too. He gave me lots of reasons for ending it. But in the end I realised he was most probably just saying anything to try and spare my feelings. I realised quite earl on that no matter what he said, he was ending it simply because he didn't want to be with me any more, and did not love me enough to continue. It's hard when you realise it. But I think it helps with the healing. 1
Chronotrgr Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 Its hard for me to answer because I was the dumper although I don't see myself that way, she kicked me out but still wanted to be together, I didn't quite get that feeling from her though because the terms and conditions of staying together made it so that she might as well be single anyway but with the title of in a relationship remaining. She had many excuses but since the last time she dumped me and kicked me out, I've monitored myself and my behaviour in case the inevitable happened again, I can honestly say I did sweet EFF ALL during that time we was back together and living together, her excuse was "what I want and what I need are 2 different things", I'm not even going to begin trying to make sense of that statement. At first I blamed myself, and thought back to the past before the last break up but honestly, she would find a problem with most things I did, so as much as I thought " I wish I didn't shout at her and kick my bike over in a huff" and the like for a while, I started remembering her little tiffs and tantrums about everyday life, "your spending too much time with your nan and grandad" (yeah I'm their care assistant... I quit my job to be at their beck and call remember? "Your cycling too much" it's summer and its good for your health, maybe you should try it for yourself, literally couldn't do nothing without a problem coming out of it. So.. I'm glad my perspective changed, I forgave myself a long time a go for my wrongs and accepted that was she just off her facking nat! In other instances, right now I'm working on forgiving her and putting the past behind me, never to return to her again, but on the bright side at least I'm free now to do whatever I like, burps, farts, cycling and all ^_^.
DontBreakEven Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 I'm not even going to begin trying to make sense of that statement. Lol. This spoke to me. It's pretty much how I react to 75% of the things my ex says. Problem is, I keep trying to make sense of them. Annnd this is why there's Xanax. 1
basil67 Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 This thread is one of the reasons I've never been one to give reasons for ending a relationship. The dumpee will argue the points, disagree with them or think the reasons are lame.
sandylee1 Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 I think you CAN love someone and break up with them. Not necessarily the case with you OP....but it's possible...why you might ask... When you want a commitment and the other person isn't on the same page as you. Like you want marriage and the other wants it in 8 years time ... maybe. Break ups are hard ....but much the same way you don't stick with your first job.... you move through different GFs till you find the one to share your life with.
ty10 Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 As my friend told me as I was trying to rationally pick apart my ex's reasons, which I did a lot... "She was protecting your feelings. Truth is she decided that she didn't see a future with you in her life. It hurts but why be with someone who has doubts?" Of course sometimes people don't have time for a relationship and don't think they do. Stress of a job, distance. But if they really want to make it work they will. I concluded after a while and after realising I had missed red flags my ex wasn't mature enough for a relationship (we're both early/mid20's) - she's a sheep who copies off her friends, some of whom are a bad influence. Oh and her ex that she was very into yet cheated on her re-appeared too...
mg4514 Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 I think you CAN love someone and break up with them. Not necessarily the case with you OP....but it's possible...why you might ask... When you want a commitment and the other person isn't on the same page as you. Like you want marriage and the other wants it in 8 years time ... maybe. Break ups are hard ....but much the same way you don't stick with your first job.... you move through different GFs till you find the one to share your life with. Sandylee---here I would like to open an honest, serious dialogue with you...because I have never quite understood this line of thought. Bear with me please. I know that in text format sometimes a person's tone may be misinterpreted- so know this up front- I'm not starting trouble or being a wisea$$. My question is this: how can these two competing ideas coexist? (I think this is where I get into trouble-because to me this is completely contradictory). I had an ex try to convince me that she loved me more deeply than she ever loved anyone...."but we can't be together". The concept that love, true love, is something so easily found-that if you don't marry me-I'll just find a true love that will. To me, love doesn't simply just fall from a tree like an apple, when you're ready for it you just pick it up. It takes time. It takes investment. And after all that, the stars have to align perfectly at just the right time in order for two people to identify it and latch onto it. I know this sounds "pie-in-the-sky" but as adults we have the benefit of experience and wisdom...I just don't know how some people are able to say they love someone WITH A CAVEAT. I'm 44 years old, and I have only been in "true" love one time in my life. The object of that love uttered the same concept you mentioned-and to this day-I simply don't get it. We were madly and deeply in love, I wanted to marry her but I couldn't because our philosophies on raising our children were so different (we each had children from a previous marriage)- I bargained the best I could which amounted to a lifetime commitment, and then marriage when the children were grown and out of the house. Did she love the idea of marriage more so than me? Did she love the comfort/security more so than me? Did she love the financial security of two incomes more so than she loved me? So my question again: how can someone say they truly love someone, but then break-up? I just don't get that. I think OP has a legitimate point.
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