Popsicle Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 I was talking with my male coworker today and he was telling me about how he has always had to think about whether he liked someone first before he could possibly ask them out or or accept a date if they asked him out. I found this to be so odd. I could never and do not ever operate like that. Apparently, he has to think first before he can feel something. I, on the other hand, always feel first and think later (if I think at all ). I just don't understand this other way. He explained that he has to think about whether "it" would work or not and analyze all the other angles there might possibly be to analyze first. Now I know this guy, and I know that he is telling the truth about that because he thinks everything to death (I've witnessed it many times), but if anyone else is like this, why is that you have to think about whether you feel something? That seems so strange to me. To me, you either feel it and it's out of your control and you don't. What's sad is that I think I've probably encountered this type of man several times in my life and it explains a lot. So is anyone else like this? All comments are welcome. 1
Mrin Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 No. Ten characters. Then again, I've dated a lot of women where there was no chance of "it" ever working out. 1
Hopeful30 Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 You can't think it, you gotta feel it. Maybe that's why your coworker struggles. He's goino about it all wrong. Besides, how can you possibly decide if you don't even know the person? Haha 1
Author Popsicle Posted December 17, 2015 Author Posted December 17, 2015 No. Ten characters. Then again, I've dated a lot of women where there was no chance of "it" ever working out. Well, I have a few times too. :/
mrldii Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 No, not at the get-go. I will have a tendency, though, to think things out once I'm involved with someone. But even then, I won't think it to death. IMHO, a *good* relationship shouldn't require too much [mental] work. Shouldn't really require too much of ANY type of work...based on the [little] amount I just gave that thought... 2
Author Popsicle Posted December 17, 2015 Author Posted December 17, 2015 You can't think it, you gotta feel it. Maybe that's why your coworker struggles. He's goino about it all wrong. Besides, how can you possibly decide if you don't even know the person? Haha That's what I'm saying! It's a feeling not logic. I asked the same question "How can you decide when you don't know them?" I think ideally he would like to know them so he can calculate and analyze and then feel comfortable after all that thinking. Maybe it's the fear of the unknown? I don't know. 1
Author Popsicle Posted December 17, 2015 Author Posted December 17, 2015 Anyways, we didn't agree on this at all. It was like we were speaking greek to each other. He would never get with someone without thinking it over first, and I would never get with someone without feeling it first.
Author Popsicle Posted December 17, 2015 Author Posted December 17, 2015 Oh, and this came up because he was telling me to ask this other guy out at work who I have a crush on. I said why? He already knows I have a crush on him (he does). He said because you have to ask him out so that he can then think about it. I was like WHAT???? Then we got into the discussion...
introverted1 Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 It's a blend of thinking of feeling. Attraction (aka feeling) can be based on many factors, not all of which are rational or even good for us. Forcing myself to think about whether I like someone is a good litmus test when attraction is raging. My best R's have been when my thinking and feeling were in alignment. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 Going just by your "feelings" is a recipe for disaster. I used to do that a lot in my 20s. In my 30s, I still feel attraction that's often not rational, but then I will *think* about if the guy is into me and if things would work. If something doesn't have a chance in hell of working, I will not give the attraction much mental space or room to grow. It also has to do with your personality and history. Some people are mostly attracted to compatible, emotionally available people. I am drawn to darkness and my life has dramatically improved since I learned to keep my attractions in check. 3
Gaeta Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 He must be a Libra. I think about everything. I never ever let my feelings (attraction) decide for me. I can feel wonderful feelings for some man but when I analyze his situation and I know he's not for me so I won't act on it. 3
xxoo Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 I feel first and think later....but the think part is still important to me. Maybe this has to do with Myers Brigg personality types? I'm an F (INFP). Others are a T. Still, most of us are a balance of F/T, just more one than the other. I'm slightly more F than T. Maybe he's extremely T? 1
todreaminblue Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 not all people function the same way...feeling involves processing them so thinking about what you are feeling....i think that is where a lot of the time it gets confusing...you feel and you think...and some over analyse......none are wrong..i think a higher plane of thinking comes with ...acceptance...rather than right or wrong.......deb 1
central Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 I can be attracted to someone, but if I give it some though, may find that I don't like them. Like is about compatible values, IMO, whereas attraction is a sexual thing based on visual and hormonal triggers. 1
Zippy2000 Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 HOLD ON! Hold on a mo. I m very much like everyone else. I have to feel first but I ve learned there are people who are out there who are called asexual. If you look this up. It refers to a person who has no sexual feelings or desires. So its possible some people with think first before they feel. 1
hasaquestion Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 I was talking with my male coworker today and he was telling me about how he has always had to think about whether he liked someone first before he could possibly ask them out or or accept a date if they asked him out. I found this to be so odd. I could never and do not ever operate like that. Apparently, he has to think first before he can feel something. I, on the other hand, always feel first and think later (if I think at all ). I just don't understand this other way. He explained that he has to think about whether "it" would work or not and analyze all the other angles there might possibly be to analyze first. Now I know this guy, and I know that he is telling the truth about that because he thinks everything to death (I've witnessed it many times), but if anyone else is like this, why is that you have to think about whether you feel something? That seems so strange to me. To me, you either feel it and it's out of your control and you don't. What's sad is that I think I've probably encountered this type of man several times in my life and it explains a lot. So is anyone else like this? All comments are welcome. I would handle that situation (the asking out) differently. But I definitely identify with your co-worker. Personally, I wouldn't need time to think about a date. Its just a date after all. What's the worst that can happen? I'd go ahead and ask (or say yes) without really thinking about how much I like her. Then see how it goes from there. But that's thinking not feeling. I just did out the scratch work once in my mind and decided that you can always nip things in the bud later, 'axe murderer' is incredibly improbable, 'miserable date' is unlikely, 'conversation' is the median, and 'romance/sex' is the unlikely but a payoff I value, and I have a good job and the cost of drinks is the buy-in. So most dates are an optimal decision. I'm probably on the extreme end of the thinking vs. feeling dichotomy. Like Gaeta said - I think about everything. And like all tendencies in life it has pros and cons. People think we're joyless for example 1
shoplocal Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 Nope! But I get where this guy is coming from. Like Eternal Sunshine, I'm drawn to complicated men. So when feelings of attraction crop up, my brain goes into overdrive to determine whether the feelings are a good idea. But for the longest time, I didn't separate the process, and believed that I was rational and analytical about feelings/attraction, when in actuality I was every bit as emotional as the average person. Maybe your co-worker is the same way? 1
truthtripper Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 I was talking with my male coworker today and he was telling me about how he has always had to think about whether he liked someone first before he could possibly ask them out or or accept a date if they asked him out. I found this to be so odd. I could never and do not ever operate like that. Apparently, he has to think first before he can feel something. I, on the other hand, always feel first and think later (if I think at all ). I just don't understand this other way. He explained that he has to think about whether "it" would work or not and analyze all the other angles there might possibly be to analyze first. Now I know this guy, and I know that he is telling the truth about that because he thinks everything to death (I've witnessed it many times), but if anyone else is like this, why is that you have to think about whether you feel something? That seems so strange to me. To me, you either feel it and it's out of your control and you don't. What's sad is that I think I've probably encountered this type of man several times in my life and it explains a lot. So is anyone else like this? All comments are welcome. We are attracted to certain personalities and traits in other people which are familiar to us. But this isn't always a good thing. For example in my case, I grew up in an abusive family and throughout my life and into my mid 30s, I had a long string of abusive boyfriends. Why? Because I didn't stop to think and develop my awareness of what was good for me and what was not. So yes, I am now a big thinker when it comes to dating. 1
Hopeful30 Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 I think ideally he would like to know them so he can calculate and analyze and then feel comfortable after all that thinking. Maybe it's the fear of the unknown? I don't know. Actually, if I had to guess, I would think he has a fear of rejection or even intimacy. TO be rejected is a very common fear (with evolutionary basis) and a fear of intimacy is very possible too -- its far more common than you think. He could be afraid of allowing the possibility that something could work out with a woman, so he weighs as much as he can to reassure himself that the higher chance there is for things to work out, the less chance he will be rejected/faced with possibility for intimacy. The brain is an incredible organ. Complex, needless to say lol 1
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