DontBreakEven Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 The background of the beginning of complete and total NC I'm sitting here, faced with the reality that my life has officially changed from here on out. For the past 8 months I have been in total denial about what is actually happening with my relationship with my ex, but all that changed last night when she told me that she loves her old-man boyfriend (please excuse me while I go puke). I missed work today with debilitating anxiety. Couldn't stop shaking and just needed sleep and to escape for a while. I've been through tough breakups in the past. I know I can make it. Problem is, I also know the grief that is in store for me in the upcoming months. Part of me is in shock and upset that I ever initiated contact to hear the news that has caused all this pain, but the other part is relieved that now I don't have to keep holding onto my delusion of thinking that she really loved me, and it was just a heartbreaking logistical circumstance that kept us apart. Anyway, this is my thread of recovery, and if you don't mind I plan to come back often with updates. It helps to document and get it all out there.
d0nnivain Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 I'm sorry about your anxiety but I'm glad that you view this as your recovery thread. Maybe her news is just the impetus you need to move forward. Good luck 1
CloudyHead Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 You are not alone! I don't know if that makes you feel any better (especially coming from a stranger); however, I am going through the throes of no contact as well. And, yes, I have broken no contact which makes me lose ground in moving forward. Going through this during the holiday season makes it even worse (i.e. taking back gifts bought but am stuck with one that is nonrefundable). And, the knife in the open wound is knowing that he has moved on with someone else. (((Many hugs to you))) 1
K2z Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 Get yourself some counseling, and in the short term, maybe your Doc can prescribe you some Xanax. (Don't go crazy with it, but it can be very helpful with the crippling anxiety.) 1
Author DontBreakEven Posted December 17, 2015 Author Posted December 17, 2015 Thank you everyone. I do have some xanax and that helped a ton for the moment. I'm probably going to get back on Prozac again for the short term just to get myself through the upcoming months of "doom and gloom" feelings. I do agree that this is the impetus for me to get it through my thick head that it's over. Do I think it's extremely sad and unfortunate that she treated what we had like this? Yes. I am so very tired of her speaking of how she knows the "depths of our love" but then in the same breath can say something like "but what is the point?". Give me a break. How disappointing. She said she loved me before getting off the phone. Okay. I think the hardest part for me will be her manipulation in throwing it back on me and trying to make me believe that this is my fault for dumping her, and how much that hurt her. I did not dump her. We mutually said Goodbye due to the fact that she wouldn't compromise on anything, and now her argument is that I wanted everything on "my terms and conditions". Um well actually I was trying everything I could to compromise and work around her "terms and conditions" - terms and conditions that made it virtually possible for us to be together. Besides. What a load. If she was so hurt over it, I hardly think her first move would be to go back to her old man lover. I don't envy what they "have" anyway. A) it's disgusting, in my opinion. B) it has no possibility for any conceivable future. C) she's using him yet again, because she is still on dating sites looking for women. She is a messed up person, and as she told me, I'm better off without her uncertainties and change. I mean, if I were to write a list of dealbreakers in a potential lover, "Uncertain in what they want" and "In need of constant change" would probably be dealbreakers 1 and 2. Wish she would have just told me those traits from jump, but what can ya do. I am happy to think that now I am open and available to eventually meet someone that can actually be a good partner to me. But it is definitely hard to say a final goodbye to the dream that was. I find comfort in a quote from Eat, Pray, Love - because it is me to a T: “I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”
Author DontBreakEven Posted December 19, 2015 Author Posted December 19, 2015 So odd, but barring the first day of total shock and anxiety, I have felt freer the past few days than I have in 8 months. NC is for healing, yes, but nothing was going to heal me if I did not contact her and get the truth, get the closure. I feel free now of any bs I have had conjured up in my mind while we weren't speaking. I don't know how long the illusion would have gone on had I not contacted her and said my peace, and heard her say hers. Who knows, maybe depression and all that other stuff will hit me like a ton of bricks next week or something, but right now I don't see that being the case. I can even look at her cat that she left me now, and just be like "that's my cat". She's not tied to any of it anymore. I finally published my dating account, and I actually now feel that I can truly talk to other girls with the motive of moving on, not one of trying to make her jealous, or make me forget about her. Amazing too, that now that I have truly let go, I'm getting more hits than ever. Funny how that works.
marky00 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 So odd, but barring the first day of total shock and anxiety, I have felt freer the past few days than I have in 8 months. NC is for healing, yes, but nothing was going to heal me if I did not contact her and get the truth, get the closure. I feel free now of any bs I have had conjured up in my mind while we weren't speaking. I don't know how long the illusion would have gone on had I not contacted her and said my peace, and heard her say hers. Who knows, maybe depression and all that other stuff will hit me like a ton of bricks next week or something, but right now I don't see that being the case. I can even look at her cat that she left me now, and just be like "that's my cat". She's not tied to any of it anymore. I finally published my dating account, and I actually now feel that I can truly talk to other girls with the motive of moving on, not one of trying to make her jealous, or make me forget about her. Amazing too, that now that I have truly let go, I'm getting more hits than ever. Funny how that works. Well, I was so tempted to break NC today for similar reasons.... but in the end I couldn't see enough positives to do it. So I am still like NC 65 days or so. Be interesting how you feel in a week or so. Usually I found relief for maybe a week after breaking NC and then the bad feelings started coming back.
Author DontBreakEven Posted December 20, 2015 Author Posted December 20, 2015 Well, I was so tempted to break NC today for similar reasons.... but in the end I couldn't see enough positives to do it. So I am still like NC 65 days or so. Be interesting how you feel in a week or so. Usually I found relief for maybe a week after breaking NC and then the bad feelings started coming back. I'm interested to see as well, however this time I feel it will be much different. Every time I have broken NC before, yes I felt better for a bit, then worse, but I still had hope. I don't have any hope anymore for this relationship. In fact, for the first time since I met her, I can honestly say that I don't want this relationship. I don't want her. I don't relate to a 31 year old lesbian who has a thing for 68 year old men. I just don't. No matter what anyone else's opinions on here are of such a topic, I think it's f*cking disgusting and extremely disturbing. The man is married, as well. Just feel awful for his wife. And how insulting for her to sit there and tell me that she loves him - that she loves us both. I also am not into polyamory. So, sh*t's not ever gonna work with her. Not to mention I finally let the cat out of the bag to all my friends about the 68yr old male lover (not my parents, because I just couldn't even attempt to explain to them the situation if I tried -- obviously too awkward and extremely uncomfortable, and they loved my ex, and it is a heavy reason why they fully accept my sexuality, because the nice, respectable women I would bring home would curb their deepest fears ... If I told them what she is doing now, they would probably go right back to just thinking that all gays are f*cked up in the head). But I did tell all my friends, and they are just extremely disgusted and would never accept her back into their good graces again. So, it's over. And the only way I found out it was over was due to the contact. Yeah, I'm sure I'll get very sad an lonely at points, but never again will it be tied to longing, and wishing, and hoping for something to happen again. It's done, I said my peace to her that I needed to, and I truly have no more to say to her. And that has lifted so much off of me, I can't even explain. I've been actually smiling again. Who knew it was possible!
SixxChick Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 “I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.” I have no advice at the moment, as I am on the same emotionality express as you are. But, thank you for this.
Author DontBreakEven Posted December 22, 2015 Author Posted December 22, 2015 I have no advice at the moment, as I am on the same emotionality express as you are. But, thank you for this. Let me give you another one, that blew my mind, and I'm living by it like it's my religion: “I’m not laughing.” I was actually crying. “And please don’t laugh at me now, but I think the reason it’s so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate. ”He probably was. Your problem is you don’t understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over, Groceries. David’s purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of your marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it’s over. Problem is, you can’t accept that his relationship had a real short shelf life. You’re like a dog at the dump, baby – you’re just lickin’ at the empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you’re not careful, that can’s gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it.“But I love him.” “So love him.” “But I miss him.” “So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you’ll be really alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she’s really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go.”
Author DontBreakEven Posted December 22, 2015 Author Posted December 22, 2015 Literally within 24 hours of letting go completely, I have met someone. I have no idea what this is or what could become of it or anything, but the fact that it is even a statement coming out of my mouth right now is astonishing to me. I just feel so lucky to have finally found the catalyst to let my ex go once and for all. I feel so happy again. Thank you everyone for your advice, and your ears, and to all those still struggling, even though it's hard to really take to heart, it proves true time and time again: Your destiny is not tied to those who walk away from you. 1
ravfour4 Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Hey OP, I was in a very similar situation not long ago. It's not about going NC (although that helps) it's about actually wanting to move on. Wanting to forget about her. Wanting to meet someone new. Until you sincerely want those things (which NC helps with), you will not move on no matter what you do. Once you start thinking "if I do this...will it hurt my recovery? Or help it?", you can select the help it option and the more you do that, the sooner you'll feel better. Right now your actions are probably based around "will this get her back? Or push her away?" It's focused on her, not you, and is not healthy. Use this news as just that and recognize that she's a woman of low integrity who will screw over the new guy she's with too. You do you and meet a quality woman, the one you were obsessed with, is not a quality woman.
ravfour4 Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Also, take it easy on the rebound! Haha or at least recognize that relationship as a likely rebound. It will probably help you a ton, just don't hurt her by accident 1
anonymousbear00101100 Posted December 22, 2015 Posted December 22, 2015 Once you start thinking "if I do this...will it hurt my recovery? Or help it?", you can select the help it option and the more you do that, the sooner you'll feel better. As someone who struggled with NC often during the first few weeks, that thought is the thing that is currently helping me maintain these past few weeks. Overtime I get the urge to look through her social media, I realize that it won't help at all. It's a very simple but effective thought process!
Author DontBreakEven Posted December 25, 2015 Author Posted December 25, 2015 (edited) Oh yeah I for sure understand. For the past 8 months, I did not WANT to move forward, and I wasn't. I did the hail mary with her to either get her back, or move on. The latter happened, and though sad, it's infinitely better than where I've been. It's been over a week and I still feel free as ever. I don't expect my sadness over this breakup to return. And I am for sure rebounding, no doubt about it. I am open to the possibilities, but what I'm doing is no doubt a rebound, and I'm enjoying every moment of it. I will not hurt anyone, as if it got to the point where it could hurt someone, I will end it, or I will explore the possibilities. My rebound lives 5 hours away so it's already a very safe arms-length situation. It's distraction; a love-affair, if you will. My true love will come to me in time, I'm sure, but for once I am enjoying being single, and checking out all the possibilities. Edited December 25, 2015 by DontBreakEven
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