Real forgiveness, reconciliation, and the good in a WS.

[Lady Nyx]

I have posted twice here in the past few weeks. Both posts were basically me telling my story of discovering my deployed husband's EA. The responses I received were few but varied in opinion.

 

The strongest opinions came from those who did not seem to put much stock in the ability of two people to put their marriage back together and be truly happy again. I have noticed this same trend in other threads that I have read here at LS. It also seems like it would be blasphemy to post anything sincerely kind about the character of one's WS. I imagine that showing compassion or quick forgiveness or an iota of sincere trust to the WS fairly soon after DDay would not go over well either.

 

In my case, my husband was honestly a very good man prior to his recent EA. He showed me so much love and selflessness in our time together. I do not believe that his mistake erases all the good.

 

I believe him when he tells me that he loves me and never stopped loving me. I believe what he has told me about what happened and what did not happen in the EA. After giving it much thought and a lot of reading, I even accept my part in the emotional disconnection that occurred in our marriage that perhaps helped set the stage for an EA to occur.

 

I do feel sadness and anger towards him for what happened. I do wish he would grovel and beg my forgiveness and provide me with grand gestures to prove his stated desire to reconcile. However, I understand that people are complex and process and display their emotions in different ways and he was always one to keep his emotions locked up tight.

 

And when he does the little things to show me affection or when he tells me he loves me at the end of one of our few phone conversations and I can hear the repressed emotion in his voice, I just want to forgive him and remind him that he really is a good husband/father/man in spite of recent events.

 

Is it so wrong of me to believe that the good in my husband and in my marriage still far outweighs the bad? Or to offer him such ready forgiveness? Or to try and help heal him and our marriage with love as opposed to threats and rigidity?

 

I am sure that I would feel differently if the EA had also been sexual or long-lasting or if deep connections had been formed.

 

What are everyone else's thoughts on what I just wrote? Does anyone have any positive experiences with reconciliation that they would like to share?

Edited December 17, 2015 by Lady Nyx

[Krashi]

No, you may not be wrong. But, I would keep my eyes and ears open going forward. Many of us seem to have felt similarly about our spouses, knly to find that the discovery of cheating was nust the tip of the iceberg in learning who our spouse really is.

Let me ask you, how much do you really know about his past? How was the affair discovered, a confession or did you u cover it? Who told you it was nit physical or more deply emotional? What is the source of this information?

[Popsicle]

No, you're not wrong. This is actually real forgiveness which I wish I'd see more of when the BS decides to stay anyway.

[Cymbeline]

Yes we are reconciling after a much more serious infraction than you are describing. We've been married 28 years and lived in 6 countries. It's been an exciting and strong partnership, derailed by a perfect storm of life circumstances and mid life issues.

 

It may be fixed.

[NewLeaf512]

So powerful. It can be healed. Perhaps the reason there aren't more people who have healed, forgiven and gone on to lead fully happy lives is because they don't need this place and support anymore.

[waterwoman]

"Is it so wrong of me to believe that the good in my husband and in my marriage still far outweighs the bad? Or to offer him such ready forgiveness? Or to try and help heal him and our marriage with love as opposed to threats and rigidity"

 

No it's not wrong. I 'forgave' the man in front of me almost immediately. Why? because that man was remorseful, devastated with the mess he had made and he was also the man that had been loyal to me for 30 years. My problem was that there was also another man that had had an affair and I struggled to forgive that man - in fact I am not sure i have forgiven him yet, he has just ceased to exist in my head.

 

I am still with him after 3 years and don't regret it (now) for a moment. But be aware it's a long and hard process and I wouldn't have attempted it if I hadn't been fairly sure it was worth while and there was a lot that was worthy of saving.

[Ladyjane14]

I have posted twice here in the past few weeks. Both posts were basically me telling my story of discovering my deployed husband's EA. The responses I received were few but varied in opinion.

 

The strongest opinions came from those who did not seem to put much stock in the ability of two people to put their marriage back together and be truly happy again. I have noticed this same trend in other threads that I have read here at LS. It also seems like it would be blasphemy to post anything sincerely kind about the character of one's WS. I imagine that showing compassion or quick forgiveness or an iota of sincere trust to the WS fairly soon after DDay would not go over well either.

 

In my case, my husband was honestly a very good man prior to his recent EA. He showed me so much love and selflessness in our time together. I do not believe that his mistake erases all the good.

 

I believe him when he tells me that he loves me and never stopped loving me. I believe what he has told me about what happened and what did not happen in the EA. After giving it much thought and a lot of reading, I even accept my part in the emotional disconnection that occurred in our marriage that perhaps helped set the stage for an EA to occur.

 

I do feel sadness and anger towards him for what happened. I do wish he would grovel and beg my forgiveness and provide me with grand gestures to prove his stated desire to reconcile. However, I understand that people are complex and process and display their emotions in different ways and he was always one to keep his emotions locked up tight.

 

And when he does the little things to show me affection or when he tells me he loves me at the end of one of our few phone conversations and I can hear the repressed emotion in his voice, I just want to forgive him and remind him that he really is a good husband/father/man in spite of recent events.

 

Is it so wrong of me to believe that the good in my husband and in my marriage still far outweighs the bad? Or to offer him such ready forgiveness? Or to try and help heal him and our marriage with love as opposed to threats and rigidity?

 

I am sure that I would feel differently if the EA had also been sexual or long-lasting or if deep connections had been formed.

 

What are everyone else's thoughts on what I just wrote? Does anyone have any positive experiences with reconciliation that they would like to share?

 

I'm in the front row of the fix-it-if-you-can crowd, so believe me when I say that if you don't take an EA seriously, you'll be back here in 10-20 years, telling the forum how many full-blown PAs you've discovered.

 

Yes, the problems are reparable... but the WORK has to actually get done.

 

Years ago, I believed that "unmet needs" within a relationship were the problem. (IOW, a person isn't getting what they need emotionally from the primary relationship, so they seek a secondary one.) Today, I think that's so much hogwash. Today, I think that the flaw is an interior one, where the go-to move is to seek attention elsewhere in order to bandage over an internal conflict, like depression, anxiety, or low self-esteem.

 

So, in order to correct the dynamics, the inner conflict must be rooted out and resolved. You're talking about people who behave in ways that don't jibe with their stated value system. There's something seriously amiss with that. He's in a high-stress environment. He needs to find out WHY his go-to move was to seek attention/admiration outside the marriage, why he can't comfort himself without that kind of exterior validation.

 

There are lots of good books you can start with.. Shirley Glass, John Gottman, Terrence Real... and usually in military environments there's a chaplain he can seek out. But bottom line is that a correction has to be made, so that he's self-fruitful when it comes to contentment and not reliant upon others to provide him with it. Otherwise, the first time you drop the ball on "providing him with it"... he'll be out getting it somewhere else again.

[katielee]

I have forgiven my husband (and myself) because of all the good things we have done.. We were married 23 (fairly good and lots of hardworking) years before we cheated. That wasn't erased away at all. In fact, that is what is saving us.

[road]

Marriage's can be saved.

 

 

Your WH has to end his military career and start another one where he will not append nights away from home.

 

 

Your WH has to go NC with the OW.

 

 

Your husband has to live a 100% transparent life. You must have access to all of his emails, passwords, pc, phone, texts, GPS his phone.

 

 

So you can monitor NC and start repairing the broken trust.

 

 

The WH must answer all of your questions about the affair. Once all have been answered then stop talking about the affair. You both need to let the memories fade.

[katielee]

provide me with grand gestures to prove his stated desire to reconcile.

 

 

I think you should ask for this. Making amends is a cornerstone of a good recovery. And I don't agree with road's advice in never talking about it again. You should be able to talk about it whenever you need to. He needs to get past his shame so he can speak of it without it being a love buster. Your healing needs to be his priority. IS it?

[gettingstronger]

We are over 2.5 years from dday and doing well in reconciliation- its a long, tough process- the first year was harder on me, the subsequent years harder on him as he continues to process who/what he allowed himself to become-

 

I feel like he is more in touch with himself, more focused on what it means to be a good partner, what is important, etc... which is a good thing-

 

Although there is still quite a bit of self loathing on his part, he does say it feels good to be back on the path of who he always intended to be-

 

For the most part, we are happy and enjoying our life- there is that shadow that creeps up but it would be there even if we were not together- the after effects of infidelity are there no matter if you reconcile or not- the BS lives with the betrayal and the WS lives with what they allowed themselves to become-

 

Good luck, hang in there, enjoy the good days-love your way through the bad ones and don't forget, even though there is pain that doesn't mean you made the wrong choice to stay together-it means you have decided to heal together- no shame in that-

[Joie]

My husband and I are R'ing. I discovered his A several months ago. I believe that he is a wonderful person who did a very hurtful thing. We are in counseling because the A was so out of character for him that clearly something was wrong. We are still working hard to repair our marriage. But I know that I love him and he loves me. Everyone handles an A differently so realize what works for some may not work for you. I have no desire to check my husband's phone records, emails, etc....however he has made them available. What I needed from him most was reassurance and contact. So he calls, texts, sends me pictures, etc.

 

You do need to talk about the A. I really think counseling has helped us. We found a counselor that we both liked.

[understand50]

What are everyone else's thoughts on what I just wrote? Does anyone have any positive experiences with reconciliation that they would like to share?

 

Lady Nyx,

 

Almost 40 plus years ago, my then G/F had a ONS, and it was on a bet that she could sleep with a hot guy in here apartment complex, I forgave her and we married, and 6, kids and many grand kids later we are still together. Later, her over spending almost made me leave her as well, and we weathered that storm as well.

 

Reconciliation can work out, looks like he is involved in feel real remorse for his actions. Now you have some hard work to do, you will never forget what he did, but you need to find a way to forgive. This will take time, but I think in the long run you will be better for you.

 

I wish you luck....

[Mr. Lucky]

Is it so wrong of me to believe that the good in my husband and in my marriage still far outweighs the bad? Or to offer him such ready forgiveness? Or to try and help heal him and our marriage with love as opposed to threats and rigidity?

 

It's not wrong at all and in fact, under the right conditions, forgiveness by both spouses is a requirement for successful recovery.

 

But here's what you wrote in your other thread:

 

I quickly realized that they must be deployed together. My husband was actually Facebook messaging me at the same time he was messaging her - ouch! So I immediately send my husband a message telling him that I know he is cheating on me. He calls me and, of course, fighting ensues.

 

He insists that the whole thing was only a flirtation taken too far. However, there are other little details that tell me it was beyond a flirtation. He admitted to the thought of having sex with her cross his mind and told me that he had developed feelings for her. That is the definition of emotional affair! He told me his involvement with her had been going on for two weeks.

 

How can you have forgiveness without knowing the truth? Has your H been completely transparent in all his communication past and present with his OW? Has she done the same with her BS? Has he gone NC with her and made necessary job changes to ensure future NC?

 

There's a difference between forgiveness and a rug swept free pass on cheating.

 

On a side note, you've now started 3 threads and, other than the opening post, haven't participated further in any of them. You'd get better feedback if you used a single thread and engaged with those responding.

 

I hope you find the answers you're looking for...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lady Nyx]

Mr. Lucky, thanks for the advice about engaging with those responding to me. I know that I should do that if I am going to keep posting here but I suppose I avoided it because it is a bit uncomfortable.

 

I was thinking about your comment today. No, I can't have forgiveness without truly knowing what I am forgiving. My husband has been very unwilling to talk about the issue. In the beginning when I would ask him questions about the details he would answer. Perhaps I was too quick to trust the answers he gave me. I felt like he answered the questions honestly. But that does not mean there is not other information that I did not specifically ask about that he is choosing not to tell me.

 

My husband does not talk about the EA unless I bring it up and for the past two weeks I have just stopped bringing it up and tried my best to make the few conversations we have happy and positive. As mentioned previously, my husband is still deployed and I am not sure how to make things better with him so far away. I am not sure if talking things through is the right thing to do under the circumstances or if I should just focus on encouraging positive interactions between us while he is gone and dealing with things head on when he comes home.

 

I go back and forth in how I feel about everything. Yesterday I felt very forgiving. Today I feel upset that he does not seem to be attempting to make things better the way I feel he should. I am not sure how personally I should take how he is dealing with this. He was very much one to lock emotions up and not talk things out before he deployed and the EA, so him doing that now is nothing new (although him doing that probably contributed to us getting to where we are at now).

 

The honest truth is that I don't know what to think about anything. My husband confuses me. I think he is confused himself. And I am afraid I might have to feel stuck in limbo for the next 4-5 months until he returns.

[Mrs. John Adams]

My husband and i are living in reconciliation.....and have been ever since i had a brief affair 32 years ago.

 

There are many steps to healing....and not everyone walks the same path to get there. There is no time table how long it takes.....my personal opinion is.....it takes the rest of your life....because relationships require constant attention and rejuvenation to grow.....even without infidelity.

 

In our case....i became totally transparent...and i devoted myself to proving to my husband that i deserved the second chance he gave me.

 

There are those who simply cannot or will not continue to stay married to a betrayer.....and divorce is the right answer for those people.

 

And then there are those....who try reconciliation for a while....and then decide it is too difficult....and they too choose divorce.

 

What you sometimes find on forums...is that folks have strong opinions about how infidelity should be handled....and much of what they have to say is important and helpful.....but not everything.

 

SO you need to read and discuss and pick out the things that apply to your relationship....read books....seek professional help if you feel you should....and work through your reconciliation the best way you can.

 

After all....the only opinions that matter are yours and your spouse's.

 

Best of luck to you

[ladydesigner]

No, you may not be wrong. But, I would keep my eyes and ears open going forward. Many of us seem to have felt similarly about our spouses, knly to find that the discovery of cheating was nust the tip of the iceberg in learning who our spouse really is.

Let me ask you, how much do you really know about his past? How was the affair discovered, a confession or did you u cover it? Who told you it was nit physical or more deply emotional? What is the source of this information?

 

I just want to highlight the above post as I am a BS who was in R for 2 years only to discover my WH's A with MOW never ended and I had every form of surveillance on my WH (he had a burner phone). The reason I started the surveillance in the first place was because of all the broken NC in the beginning days after Dday. My WH consistently begged me back every single time.

 

OP just want to warn not to go blindly into R, keep your eyes and ears open especially if you have not been given all the info about your WH's A. My WH also did not give me info, I ended up finding all the details myself through extracting the deleted texts from my WH's phone.

[Mr. Lucky]

And I am afraid I might have to feel stuck in limbo for the next 4-5 months until he returns.

 

At some point he's going to have to let you see the complete texts between him and his AP as you'll need to understand what you're dealing with. It's not fair to put you in a position where you're wondering for the rest of your life what happened.

 

Up to you to decide if that's better done now or when he returns.

 

Again, tough situation. I'm sorry you find yourself in it ...

 

Mr. Lucky