strugglinghubby Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 So I've been really progressing quite well I think since D-day in August, we are continuing to work on R and I have my moments of triggers etc but by an large it's been slowly getting better. I was training heavily for a half ironman through that period, around 12 hours a week, and having that focus I feel really helped. I've just come down with an injury about 4 weeks ago which has meant no training, and as a result my mind has started wandering back to what happened. It's putting me back in a place I don't want to go again. Has anyone experienced something similar before? I thought I was making great progress, but now feel like I'm slipping back down the hole. On top of this I have been keeping an eye out to see if I bump into their car which had a distinctive personalised number plate. This morning I was thinking it's strange I haven't seen it again since that night. So I did a quick vehicle registration search (which identified the make/model of the car last time in August), and the number plate no longer registers. I've got a feeling he's told his wife to change her number plates. So I still hadn't been able to locate either one of them, on social media...until this morning. I did a search and by chance found the OM's mothers name. Searched her on Facebook and found her. There was a comment on one of her few photo's that were public left from the OM's wife. So I have found her, and sent her a Facebook message. It's pretty clear from what's on her profile she doesn't know yet. I'm obviously not a Facebook friend of this woman, so my message will sit in the 'other' inbox folder until she happens to look in there (there is no notification sent once a message hits that inbox). I've also sent her a friend request so that if she accepts I can send a standard Facebook message that will go to her normal inbox and she'll be notified. If she rejects the friend request, what should I do? Should I send a request/message to any of her friends/relatives on Facebook and tell them that I have something very important to discuss with her without giving them any details, and that I'm trying to get in touch with her? 1
Betrayed&Stayed Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 You can try to find an address on the local municipality's GIS database (geographical information system). Most GIS databases are public and searchable. I find personal information based on public tax records in the GIS database.
road Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 Starting a new thread left us without the background story. Without knowledge we can only give half burrow advice. People that are following your story will click on when they see a new post on your original thread. Ask the mods to link this thread to your main thread.
sandylee1 Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 The back story http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/543380-caught-wife-lying-cheating
understand50 Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 So I've been really progressing quite well I think since D-day in August, we are continuing to work on R and I have my moments of triggers etc but by an large it's been slowly getting better. I was training heavily for a half ironman through that period, around 12 hours a week, and having that focus I feel really helped. I've just come down with an injury about 4 weeks ago which has meant no training, and as a result my mind has started wandering back to what happened. It's putting me back in a place I don't want to go again. Has anyone experienced something similar before? I thought I was making great progress, but now feel like I'm slipping back down the hole. On top of this I have been keeping an eye out to see if I bump into their car which had a distinctive personalised number plate. This morning I was thinking it's strange I haven't seen it again since that night. So I did a quick vehicle registration search (which identified the make/model of the car last time in August), and the number plate no longer registers. I've got a feeling he's told his wife to change her number plates. So I still hadn't been able to locate either one of them, on social media...until this morning. I did a search and by chance found the OM's mothers name. Searched her on Facebook and found her. There was a comment on one of her few photo's that were public left from the OM's wife. So I have found her, and sent her a Facebook message. It's pretty clear from what's on her profile she doesn't know yet. I'm obviously not a Facebook friend of this woman, so my message will sit in the 'other' inbox folder until she happens to look in there (there is no notification sent once a message hits that inbox). I've also sent her a friend request so that if she accepts I can send a standard Facebook message that will go to her normal inbox and she'll be notified. If she rejects the friend request, what should I do? Should I send a request/message to any of her friends/relatives on Facebook and tell them that I have something very important to discuss with her without giving them any details, and that I'm trying to get in touch with her? strugglinghubby, I think you need to weight if this helps you both with you reconciliation, or is just a blind alley. After all this is his mother, not his wife. You have his name, you just have to spend some money, or have your wife give you the contact information. As he is a COP, I think the right path is to complain to his supervisor, as what you are doing could be twisted into a stalking charge and any sympathy would be with him. So.... Think this trough. I would hate to have you put in a bad place from his and your wife's bad actions. Also a update would be helpful. When you last wrote, you were trying to find out many things. Did you? Are you and your wife trying to reconcile, and if so how is that working out? I wish you luck......
turnera Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 If you feel like contacting his wife, I suggest you pay the $100 and let a professional get you her contact info and do it that way.
road Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 If you feel like contacting his wife, I suggest you pay the $100 and let a professional get you her contact info and do it that way. OP must get the exposure done.
Author strugglinghubby Posted January 21, 2016 Author Posted January 21, 2016 Ok so another update. She never accepted the request, so I left the message sit in her 'other' inbox and thought if she see's it she see's it and that will be that. After Christmas I decided that I should really try better, so I ended up finding a male friend of hers that had liked one of her photo's that were visible. I noticed that he and I had a mutual friend so I sent him a friend request and he accepted. I sent him a message telling him a high level summary of what had happened and that I was trying to get in contact with her to let her know as I felt she deserved to know. She messaged me back within an hour. So the story is that I have now contacted the OM's wife, I have told her everything and she has confronted him with it. It's now busted open for everyone. He has destroyed his previous phone and removed any traces of the A, and as predicted is being rather vague and general in answering her questions about events. Knowing what this did to me I offered to go through the timeline I had constructed with her via Facebook messages, as I would've really appreciated someone doing this for me when I was in that position. So I went through and told her everything. I'm so glad I followed through and found her, then found a way to contact her. She is very appreciative that I went to the effort to tell her and is very glad that I did. For me personally it actually feels like I've achieved a big piece of closure by doing this. Yes of course there will still be trust issues now, maybe indefinitely, between my W and I, and we'll continue to work on that through our R. But I do get a feeling that justice has been done so to speak. Life is finally getting so much better for me now. I've read that no more mr nice guy and have been implementing parts of it into my life, it's made a huge difference not only at home, but also at work and with my friends. I'm more confident, more happy, and more fulfilled than I was pre-A. 11
road Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Ok so another update. She never accepted the request, so I left the message sit in her 'other' inbox and thought if she see's it she see's it and that will be that. After Christmas I decided that I should really try better, so I ended up finding a male friend of hers that had liked one of her photo's that were visible. I noticed that he and I had a mutual friend so I sent him a friend request and he accepted. I sent him a message telling him a high level summary of what had happened and that I was trying to get in contact with her to let her know as I felt she deserved to know. She messaged me back within an hour. So the story is that I have now contacted the OM's wife, I have told her everything and she has confronted him with it. It's now busted open for everyone. He has destroyed his previous phone and removed any traces of the A, and as predicted is being rather vague and general in answering her questions about events. Knowing what this did to me I offered to go through the timeline I had constructed with her via Facebook messages, as I would've really appreciated someone doing this for me when I was in that position. So I went through and told her everything. I'm so glad I followed through and found her, then found a way to contact her. She is very appreciative that I went to the effort to tell her and is very glad that I did. For me personally it actually feels like I've achieved a big piece of closure by doing this. Yes of course there will still be trust issues now, maybe indefinitely, between my W and I, and we'll continue to work on that through our R. But I do get a feeling that justice has been done so to speak. Life is finally getting so much better for me now. I've read that no more mr nice guy and have been implementing parts of it into my life, it's made a huge difference not only at home, but also at work and with my friends. I'm more confident, more happy, and more fulfilled than I was pre-A. You did a good days work. Where is the WW on this? 1
turnera Posted January 21, 2016 Posted January 21, 2016 Good for you! I have another couple books you should read now. The first one is for BOTH of you - His Needs Her Needs. It's really best read together. There will be questionnaires to fill out at the end that, if you do them, will help you strengthen your marriage like nothing else. The other is for you; it's kind of continuation of NMMNG, though I like it even better. It's called Hold On To Your N.U.T.S.
Author strugglinghubby Posted January 22, 2016 Author Posted January 22, 2016 @road my WW knows the whole thing, I've told her everything obviously. The OM's wife has contacted my WW asking questions, needing answers. I told my wife that she should answer her truthfully, and apologize sincerely for what has happened. She understands my actions and agrees with me that telling the OM's wife was the right thing to do. 2
aliveagain Posted January 22, 2016 Posted January 22, 2016 Good for you, she deserved to know the truth about her cheating POS. She can now decide for herself if staying with him is the right thing for her. Your wife now knows that you take infidelity as seriously as a heart attack and your actions should be strong deterrents against future infidelities. Well done. 1
Author strugglinghubby Posted August 7, 2016 Author Posted August 7, 2016 Well this weekend is exactly 1 year since D-day. This time one year ago I had taken my wife away for a romantic weekend away for her birthday, and all weekend she was messaging OM, then got together with him in the park as soon as we got back on the Sunday night. I write this laying in bed unable to get to sleep, the last month has been particularly tough knowing that a year ago my W was living almost a double life behind my back. It's a whole year ago but still feels so fresh. I wanted to come on here and share some general appreciation for the LS community who were there for me at one of the lowest points in my life. This community really is amazing, you should all be very proud of the support you give random strangers who are hurting. Thank you! 2
CarrieT Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 Are you still with your wife or did you divorce her? I'm guessing based on this post from this June, they are still together....
Tread Carefully Posted August 7, 2016 Posted August 7, 2016 What happened with OM and his wife? I'm sorry you are triggering this weekend. How are you and your W doing?
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