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What if you were on the other side? [infidelity related]

ShatteredLady

By ShatteredLady
in General Relationship Discussion

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dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted

 

It said that being aggressive etc. There was "no known incidence of it." I call BS. Especially when "hostility" is listed in the side effects.

 

I know of two personally.

 

Aside from that, I just reread my Wellbutrin thread that I posted in 2013.

You can look it up under my user name and stats.

 

I cant seem to copy and paste on this infernal device.

  • Like 1
MuddyFootprints Established Member

MuddyFootprints

Posted
Posted

I read it as the rate of incidence is unknown. I'll vouch for it, too.

 

It was a quick google search. There is much more info on this drug out there. (I think we are going way o/t)

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ShatteredLady Established Member

ShatteredLady

Posted
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Posted

It's frightening to consider the side effects of antidepressants. This time one of the meds he took was Sertraline (Zoloft) & I read an article that linked that with bipolar & mania in some patients.

My H was taking another med too but I can't remember what it was named. I just asked him what meds he was taking this time last year & his response was, "No! Sorry I can't. What does it matter?".

 

We NEED to talk! I drive myself insane bottling things-up because I'm so frightened of hurting him, making him sink into a deep depression, pushing him over the edge etc. Mostly I don't want to cause him pain & self-loathing.

For the first time in my life I'm starting to feel resentment & it scares me.

 

I always (when we do) feel that "We" have problems, that "Things" are wrong in "Our" life. I believe he either feels depression & blames himself or (maybe all the time) blames "ME" for screwing-up "His" life.

 

He won't see a therapist. He came close earlier in the year. He got a referral & said he was frightened at the time. Obviously he won't take meds anymore. I know it takes about 6 weeks for them to properly 'kick-in'. He received her "Hey!" message 6 weeks after taking the meds & wrote back (passionately) a week later.

 

When he wrote the no contact letter she responded that it was "All in his head. Not real. Just fantasy". The first time (12 years ago) they held hands & went to lunch most days, passed cute notes in meetings, wrote 'fantasy' things, kissed once. I KNOW what most people here say (it was so much more) but she describes that WHOLE time as "A moment of intrigue" in an email to him at the start this time. I assume she's referring to the kiss.

 

To him it was a full-fledged affair that lasted a very long time. I don't know if it's her values (anything short of sex isn't an A) or if it really has been "All in his head".

 

I've read a selection of emails (They never spoke on the phone & she's States away) there was a lot more romance & sexy talk from him than her. Lots of gifts, flowers etc sent from him. Nothing ever given to him from her. She wrote lots of memories. Described what she was wearing, her bath, how soft & shaved her legs were, suggesting hotels with couples massage to 'relax' him. Even the small number I've seen she was well over the EA line with a married man but in one mail he talked about being horny & she cut that off & went back to PG rated flirting.

 

He wrote "I love you" & things like "You're the last thing I think of when I fall asleep & the first thing I think of when I wake". It was definitely an EA. I'm just so confused now!!

 

He KNEW the agony he was bringing back into my life. 12 years ago a complete stranger woman observed us in Blockbuster. I had to walk away from the counter because I was starting to cry. The woman followed me & secretly handed me an abused woman's shelter card with "I know!" written on the back!

 

Can all/most of this been in his head?

 

When he was in the thick of it this year he was convinced that his best man/BFF had recently divorced & was blissfully happy!! He's a happy family man! He would be devastated if his family broke! Where did he get that idea from? He wrote to him saying "You got amicably divorced didn't you?". He hadn't even had a fight with his wife!!

 

One of our last D-days I suggested taking the kids home to England & leaving him here. He really perked-up...then looked a bit worried & asked "but no divorce? You wouldn't divorce me?". I replied "Whatever!" & he got excited again! He can't remember this!

 

He's always had a terrible memory, can't remember much of anything before he was a teenager & not much since then. He is genuinely shocked when I tell him some of the things that he's done/said to me.

 

When we talked about why he started writing romantic things to her he says he'd given-up. There's a nihilistic, nothing has any meaning, we live, s**t & die kind of attitude. He also said things like "You stopped sending me messages. You stopped saying you love me" etc. I had to pull-up my texts & emails to prove him very wrong.

 

I don't know! I don't know anything anymore. Everything has just been too much, WAY too much. I know he wants everything to be back to 'normal'. I don't know if I should just suck-it-up & get on with life. (if I could). I'm shell-shocked.

 

I truly believe that if he knew how much he damaged me he would NEVER of done it again. You would have to HATE someone to put them through this!!

 

Sometimes I feel logical but ANYTHING can trigger me. It was recently my birthday & I realized its the FIRST DAY that I haven't cried since New Years Day. Nearly a whole year of my life existing with this crazy.

 

I'm feeling resentment. I'm terrified. Now more than ever, even just my health, I NEED to feel loved, safe & secure but it's the opposite. I sat with a doc as he told me that I had cancer cells & the thought that filled my head was "How's he going to react to this???". God I NEED someone to talk to. I feel so desperately alone. I've got medications but our insurance is a mess. It's changing & I will find a therapist. I know I need it. My pain doc isn't enough. He doesn't understand.

  • Like 1
Tayla Established Member

Tayla

Posted
Posted

 

My question to the single OW who were looking for what I had for most of my life.... What would you do in my situation? Knowing the MM, knowing it all... What if you find your perfect person, your love, your life & then after decades the table is turned? Your love betrays you in this way...what would you do?

 

Do you think you would have a deeper understanding & be able to forgive & move on? Would the knowledge of the things they've been sharing & saying to the OW make you more resolved to leave?

 

Forgive- eventually. forget, doubtfull.

 

The person who covets is in dire dispair. Is dispair relatable? sure.

Do I act upon entering someones home without being welcomed by the residing members? Nope. No good comes from breaking hearts and walking away thinking the house was delapatated anyways.

 

When a thief comes into my house and stubs their toe, I'm the last to hug them and comfort them, yet online its all the norm to comfort the thief and chastise the homeowner for not fixing the floorboard.

 

Understanding does not mean we consent to the values or behavior. We have to differentiate and conclude objectively. I can comprehend how something happens, doesn't mean I support what happened.

  • Like 2
cocorico Established Member

cocorico

Posted
Posted
It's frightening to consider the side effects of antidepressants. This time one of the meds he took was Sertraline (Zoloft) & I read an article that linked that with bipolar & mania in some patients.

My H was taking another med too but I can't remember what it was named. I just asked him what meds he was taking this time last year & his response was, "No! Sorry I can't. What does it matter?".

 

We NEED to talk! I drive myself insane bottling things-up because I'm so frightened of hurting him, making him sink into a deep depression, pushing him over the edge etc. Mostly I don't want to cause him pain & self-loathing.

For the first time in my life I'm starting to feel resentment & it scares me.

 

I always (when we do) feel that "We" have problems, that "Things" are wrong in "Our" life. I believe he either feels depression & blames himself or (maybe all the time) blames "ME" for screwing-up "His" life.

 

He won't see a therapist. He came close earlier in the year. He got a referral & said he was frightened at the time. Obviously he won't take meds anymore. I know it takes about 6 weeks for them to properly 'kick-in'. He received her "Hey!" message 6 weeks after taking the meds & wrote back (passionately) a week later.

 

When he wrote the no contact letter she responded that it was "All in his head. Not real. Just fantasy". The first time (12 years ago) they held hands & went to lunch most days, passed cute notes in meetings, wrote 'fantasy' things, kissed once. I KNOW what most people here say (it was so much more) but she describes that WHOLE time as "A moment of intrigue" in an email to him at the start this time. I assume she's referring to the kiss.

 

To him it was a full-fledged affair that lasted a very long time. I don't know if it's her values (anything short of sex isn't an A) or if it really has been "All in his head".

 

I've read a selection of emails (They never spoke on the phone & she's States away) there was a lot more romance & sexy talk from him than her. Lots of gifts, flowers etc sent from him. Nothing ever given to him from her. She wrote lots of memories. Described what she was wearing, her bath, how soft & shaved her legs were, suggesting hotels with couples massage to 'relax' him. Even the small number I've seen she was well over the EA line with a married man but in one mail he talked about being horny & she cut that off & went back to PG rated flirting.

 

He wrote "I love you" & things like "You're the last thing I think of when I fall asleep & the first thing I think of when I wake". It was definitely an EA. I'm just so confused now!!

 

He KNEW the agony he was bringing back into my life. 12 years ago a complete stranger woman observed us in Blockbuster. I had to walk away from the counter because I was starting to cry. The woman followed me & secretly handed me an abused woman's shelter card with "I know!" written on the back!

 

Can all/most of this been in his head?

 

When he was in the thick of it this year he was convinced that his best man/BFF had recently divorced & was blissfully happy!! He's a happy family man! He would be devastated if his family broke! Where did he get that idea from? He wrote to him saying "You got amicably divorced didn't you?". He hadn't even had a fight with his wife!!

 

One of our last D-days I suggested taking the kids home to England & leaving him here. He really perked-up...then looked a bit worried & asked "but no divorce? You wouldn't divorce me?". I replied "Whatever!" & he got excited again! He can't remember this!

 

He's always had a terrible memory, can't remember much of anything before he was a teenager & not much since then. He is genuinely shocked when I tell him some of the things that he's done/said to me.

 

When we talked about why he started writing romantic things to her he says he'd given-up. There's a nihilistic, nothing has any meaning, we live, s**t & die kind of attitude. He also said things like "You stopped sending me messages. You stopped saying you love me" etc. I had to pull-up my texts & emails to prove him very wrong.

 

I don't know! I don't know anything anymore. Everything has just been too much, WAY too much. I know he wants everything to be back to 'normal'. I don't know if I should just suck-it-up & get on with life. (if I could). I'm shell-shocked.

 

I truly believe that if he knew how much he damaged me he would NEVER of done it again. You would have to HATE someone to put them through this!!

 

Sometimes I feel logical but ANYTHING can trigger me. It was recently my birthday & I realized its the FIRST DAY that I haven't cried since New Years Day. Nearly a whole year of my life existing with this crazy.

 

I'm feeling resentment. I'm terrified. Now more than ever, even just my health, I NEED to feel loved, safe & secure but it's the opposite. I sat with a doc as he told me that I had cancer cells & the thought that filled my head was "How's he going to react to this???". God I NEED someone to talk to. I feel so desperately alone. I've got medications but our insurance is a mess. It's changing & I will find a therapist. I know I need it. My pain doc isn't enough. He doesn't understand.

 

SL, the more you write, the more I am reminded of my xH. He has had a lifetime problem with depression (his view) or more general mental health issues (the official view). He was eventually diagnosed as schizophrenic, certified ("sectioned", in UK terms) and gets medication which helps him function (when he takes it) more normally. But before then, the behaviour was much as you describe. A great deal of fantasy, or reality reinterpreted through the lens of fantasy. Abusive behaviour that he wouldn't remember, and complete sweetness at other times. And having to walk on eggs the whole time, not knowing what might set him off.

 

I left because I had small children to care for. I could not risk them around him. I never looked back. He became suicidal - but then, he'd always used threats of suicide to keep people onside - and I just had to accept that it was beyond my control. I looked after my kids - who stopped missing their father very quickly once they got used to the peace - and life transformed very quickly. I did struggle for money at times, but even that was never cause to make me regret leaving. Please continue with your plans to leave him as soon as you can. Your life will improve so much you will not recognise it.

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