What if you were on the other side? [infidelity related]

December 17, 2015

I'm pretty new to forums like this. I started posting in marriage problems & then infidelity when I learnt what was really going on in my life. One day I found myself on this OW forum. I don't know what I expected but I found (mostly) the opposite.

When I read the love, the joy, the passion & connection it resonates with me, as does the agony, betrayal, that blinding pain that words can't really describe.

Anyway...I've found connection & understanding here.

The only thing that really stings is the belief that many OW have about BWs. I've grown-up with my H. For all of my adult life he's been my best friend, my partner, my lover, my passion. I know him, truly know him & despite the agony I understand, I 'get-it'.

My question to the single OW who were looking for what I had for most of my life.... What would you do in my situation? Knowing the MM, knowing it all... What if you find your perfect person, your love, your life & then after decades the table is turned? Your love betrays you in this way...what would you do?

Do you think you would have a deeper understanding & be able to forgive & move on? Would the knowledge of the things they've been sharing & saying to the OW make you more resolved to leave?

December 17, 2015

There is no "one size fits all" to this question, unfortunately.

I've been the BW in a scenario in which you described. After my exH's A ended, I did give it time ... time to separate the A from the quality of our M, and I (personally) discovered that we had grown into two very different people. We married when we were still in our 20s, never imagining that either of us would go through changes that would fundamentally alter our personalities, values, beliefs, and even our interests. Had this not been the case--had we just been going through a rough spot--I can see how perhaps the M could be salvaged. Our rough spot was four years and counting. If we'd had kids together, I would have left immediately. When it's just you, you make all sorts of excuses.

I will say this: I was no more miserable when my H was having an A than I was when he wasn't. In many ways, his A relieved the pressure.

I've had other married friends who've been cheated on. One stayed for 10 years, until the kids were out of the house. By that time, she was pretty much over her H's A (he never cheated on her again, BTW). But she did tell me that this should have been a big wake-up call for her that things weren't right in her M. Another friend, similar situation, hung in there (miserably), and her H left for the OW.

And here's the most interesting arrangement yet ... a friend gives her H carte blanche to have flings (he travels a lot). There's has become a M of convenience, and he is very wealthy. Wouldn't work for me, but hey ... whatever floats your boat, I guess!

Ask a different, OW, get a different answer, I guess.

December 17, 2015

I would leave, but if I was dependent upon him financially, I'd get a job first.

December 17, 2015

There is no "one size fits all" to this question, unfortunately.

I've been the BW in a scenario in which you described. After my exH's A ended, I did give it time ... time to separate the A from the quality of our M, and I (personally) discovered that we had grown into two very different people. We married when we were still in our 20s, never imagining that either of us would go through changes that would fundamentally alter our personalities, values, beliefs, and even our interests. Had this not been the case--had we just been going through a rough spot--I can see how perhaps the M could be salvaged. Our rough spot was four years and counting. If we'd had kids together, I would have left immediately. When it's just you, you make all sorts of excuses.

I will say this: I was no more miserable when my H was having an A than I was when he wasn't. In many ways, his A relieved the pressure.

I've had other married friends who've been cheated on. One stayed for 10 years, until the kids were out of the house. By that time, she was pretty much over her H's A (he never cheated on her again, BTW). But she did tell me that this should have been a big wake-up call for her that things weren't right in her M. Another friend, similar situation, hung in there (miserably), and her H left for the OW.

And here's the most interesting arrangement yet ... a friend gives her H carte blanche to have flings (he travels a lot). There's has become a M of convenience, and he is very wealthy. Wouldn't work for me, but hey ... whatever floats your boat, I guess!

Ask a different, OW, get a different answer, I guess.

Yep true I think each situation is different.

ShatteredLady I felt very much like you like I grew up with WH and REALLY know him warts and all I never knew THIS side of my WH before and not sure if I just didn't see it, but like WestEndGirl pointed out about her friend, I feel like my situation is one big wake up call to who I'm really with. I often feel like my life is a Lifetime movie!

December 17, 2015

I would walk.

December 17, 2015

I think you should separate from him and show him that, while you value the years and life you've shared, you will not tolerate being treated in such a way. Separating would cause him to appreciate what he had with you, to miss you, and to realize that he is close to losing you. It would also allow you to regroup. Even if this means him only sleeping in another room in the house, I think it would be a smart thing to do.

December 17, 2015

Yep true I think each situation is different.

ShatteredLady I felt very much like you like I grew up with WH and REALLY know him warts and all I never knew THIS side of my WH before and not sure if I just didn't see it, but like WestEndGirl pointed out about her friend, I feel like my situation is one big wake up call to who I'm really with. I often feel like my life is a Lifetime movie!

No one is ever married to the person they think they are. People would be a lot better off if they would understand that the nature of humans is highly complex, and you never fully know anyone.

December 17, 2015

No one is ever married to the person they think they are. People would be a lot better off if they would understand that the nature of humans is highly complex, and you never fully know anyone.

Yes, but you can, absent the masquerading the disordered perfect, know quite a bit about their essential nature and values. Even the disordered let the mask slip occassionally, esoecially after enmeshment.

December 17, 2015

No

I wouldn't be able to forgive and move on.

Betrayal would mean to me that the relationship was finished.

I wouldn't walk anywhere. He would be out the door with bags packed.

Poppy.

December 17, 2015

I find this thread both interesting and baffling. If you knew he was married, then from day one you knew he was a liar and a cheat. You chose a liar and a cheat. Is it just that he didn't do it to you? It didn't bother you that he could do it to someone else? Thanks for any that answer.

December 17, 2015

I find this thread both interesting and baffling. If you knew he was married, then from day one you knew he was a liar and a cheat. You chose a liar and a cheat. Is it just that he didn't do it to you? It didn't bother you that he could do it to someone else? Thanks for any that answer.

In answer to this... it really is baffling. I am guilty of believing (or wanting to believe) the lies I was told. I managed to fool myself into thinking that somewhere in there was a man of character. I didnt think of him as a liar and cheat... not until some years had passed. He really did fool me for a very long time.

I trusted and believed him. Same as his wife did. I feel guilt, I am ashamed, I am a person who never would have thought I could have been in this situation. But it happened, and I can only move forward.

Sometimes we end up in situations without being fully aware of how we got there. We dont choose them. It can sometimes take time to realise what is really going on.

I am most guilty of having been a bit naive. It is only in retrospect that I understand what an awful thing I was involved in.

So glad to be out now.

Hugs to all who are hurting. xxx

December 17, 2015

In answer to this... it really is baffling. I am guilty of believing (or wanting to believe) the lies I was told. I managed to fool myself into thinking that somewhere in there was a man of character. I didnt think of him as a liar and cheat... not until some years had passed. He really did fool me for a very long time.

I trusted and believed him. Same as his wife did. I feel guilt, I am ashamed, I am a person who never would have thought I could have been in this situation. But it happened, and I can only move forward.

Sometimes we end up in situations without being fully aware of how we got there. We dont choose them. It can sometimes take time to realise what is really going on.

I am most guilty of having been a bit naive. It is only in retrospect that I understand what an awful thing I was involved in.

So glad to be out now.

Hugs to all who are hurting. xxx

Guilt and shame are useless. Learn what you can and move forward. I don't doubt you saw good qualities in him. I don't think most people are horrible. I was just curious as to how the obvious was overlooked and it would only be a problem if that behavior was turned on you (collective you). I hope you find your peace.

December 17, 2015

I'm pretty new to forums like this. I started posting in marriage problems & then infidelity when I learnt what was really going on in my life. One day I found myself on this OW forum. I don't know what I expected but I found (mostly) the opposite.

When I read the love, the joy, the passion & connection it resonates with me, as does the agony, betrayal, that blinding pain that words can't really describe.

Anyway...I've found connection & understanding here.

The only thing that really stings is the belief that many OW have about BWs. I've grown-up with my H. For all of my adult life he's been my best friend, my partner, my lover, my passion. I know him, truly know him & despite the agony I understand, I 'get-it'.

My question to the single OW who were looking for what I had for most of my life.... What would you do in my situation? Knowing the MM, knowing it all... What if you find your perfect person, your love, your life & then after decades the table is turned? Your love betrays you in this way...what would you do?

Do you think you would have a deeper understanding & be able to forgive & move on? Would the knowledge of the things they've been sharing & saying to the OW make you more resolved to leave?

You know, it's interesting, as much as I would love my xmm to leave and be with me I support him staying and I think I would want to work on it if I was the woman on the other side. I think the A is, in a lot of cases anyway, a symptom of things that are going wrong in the marriage not the cause. I'd want to work through what those issues are, whether they are fixable and take some time to figure out whether I could get over the betrayal. You've known him your whole adult life, he's your best friend and something has gone horribly wrong but is it irrevocably wrong? I think time is the only thing that will tell.

I've come to realise that one person usually can't provide everything that the other needs. That does not mean that an A is ok but I'd want to know what it was they were trying to achieve with the A and figure out if we can move past that and find healthier ways to get back what's been missing. Either from each other or figure out how to fulfill that need in ourselves. It's not necessarily sex maybe it's understanding about parts of yourself you've never discovered before...only you and your WS can figure that out in your case. In my xmm's case he felt like he could talk to me and be honest with me in ways that he couldn't be with his BS because of the shared history they have. There is so much history there that sometimes that level of honesty and intimacy about things is so entrenched in past experiences and expected reactions that it's easier (possibly the wrong word to use when talking about an A but I hope you see past the word to the meaning) to do it with someone else.

So, would I stay? To figure out if there's something to save, yes. Does that mean that it would work? Who knows but at least I'd have given my best to a relationship that was the most important one I'd ever had.

But then, I don't have the opinion a lot of OW have of BS. She didn't do anything wrong, they had a broken relationship and she wasn't given the chance to fix it in a healthy way. They have to try to fix it in the worst way possible now but I get why she would want to fix it. Before the A, even if there were broken parts, she (and you) had what the rest of us wish we had. That's worth fighting for as long until there's nothing left to fight for.

For some people an A is the thing that makes it not worth fighting for, for others it's not. Only you can decide whether it's worth fighting for. If I'd been my xmm's BS I would have fought tooth and nail to save it.

December 17, 2015

Also, thank you for this thread. I'd actually never thought about this before and thinking of it like this has helped me take another step in my healing and letting go of the 'what if' that have plagued me.

December 17, 2015

I am married myself and i had an emotional/romamtic affair that lasted six months.i ended it five months ago.

I spent a lot of time thinking about his BW.

In fact,i probably thought more about her than he did,he admitted he wasnt feeling guilty at all. I never met her,but i have felt very guilty towards her,especially as she was post birth.

In answer to your question:it depends.

On one hand,I now have more understanding to the dynamics that begins and keeps an affair goung.i also know for a fact that you can love your spouse and still feel you are in love with someone else.

The main factor (Stay/leave) would largely be based on something i never thought about before i experienced it. Having an affair is disrespectful,period,full stop. There are also degrees of disrespect. For example,i refused to discuss my H with my AP. He was very curious,but i did not want to violate my H privacy(i get how weird ot sounds,considering the situation). My AP told me intimate details about his BW. Told me stuff about her family,her job,her friends,their sex life,their issues. He just exposed her completely. Also,he would say very mean things about her.once we had a big argument after he made a nasty comment about her (post birth) body. I never liked that,i never believed the bad things he said about her and always told him.it reflects badly on him,not her. I feel that somehow this aspect was the lowest. Along with inviting me over to their house,while she went away to her mother after she had their (THEIR) baby.

I think this exposure of her was unfair. No doubt she deserves better.

When deciding to leave or stay,i would look at:

How long did it last?

Who ended it?

Has he brought her to your house?

Is this the first and only affair hes ever had?

What did he tell her about you?

Is he really sorry?

What is he willing to do to preseve the marriage?

Has he kept NC?

I wish you the best of luck

December 17, 2015

Many years ago, in my 20s, I was not a good wife. Oh, I never cheated on him, but I gave up on the marriage, probably 4-5 years before it actually ended. I wasn't interested in sex with him and now, 20+ years later, if he told me he cheated, I'd honestly shrug it off. I was withholding sex, I,was lacking, I was not providing in that area. It was a turn on to him to have me show him what I liked and teach him. Over and over. It was a total turn off for me. He knew what to do, but he repeatedly chose not to or he would sabotage my pleasure.

He was lazy in and out of the bedroom.

Looking back, we didn't have the same goals. While we both were raised middle class, in intact homes, we just didn't have the same goals. I wanted a house and financially stability before kids. He liked the idea of kids, but never seemed to grasp that actually having children would be work on his part. My plan was to get through school, get a decent job, put him through school, have him get a job, all while paying a mortgage and doing various upgrades to the house. I probably would have tried to have the first child while I was in my second or third year at my job.

His goals were to still see every movie or rent every movie he wanted to and eat out as much as he wanted to. He really didn't want to work. In or out of the home. He still isn't a fan of working and has hated every job he's ever had.

I say all that as a prelude. If I were the BW, from my former relationship....I'd have to acknowledge my shortcomings. His wife (I believe) is one of those women who really doesn't like men and/or isn't a fan of sex. I'm not saying she is a lesbian, far from it. She went to an all-girls school, she works in a female heavy occupation. She has spent her life in the company of women. And sex is...well, dirty. Doggy style and blow jobs are demeaning. The male body is not anything she ever wanted to explore.

And before people rail at me that MM had no business telling me personal stuff about her, he really didn't complain about it. His words were something to the effect, "you can tell when a woman really doesn't want to have sex. You can tell when she is just going through the motions to appease you. I'd have a tough time staying aroused and then I couldn't perform. Then the times I could perform, I felt like I had forced her somehow. It made me feel sick afterwards that I was one step from being a rapist by requiring this of her." Those sentences were not said at the same time, probably once each over almost 7 years.

So, his focus was on how his urges made him feel wrong. I always thought 30 minutes with a counselor and 3-4 ideas for "homework" and they'd be off and running. But they don't/didn't talk about it.

My belief in their marriage is that they both take each other for granted. She does 95% of the housework, grocery shopping, domestic responsibilities. He doesn't buy his own clothes, wash them, iron them or fold them. I've often felt like he is a pampered Prince. He does work 16 hour days, but she has a job as well. Her income does pay 1-2 bills, but probably 40% of her income is spent on whatever she pleases. His income pays for the 4000 square foot house, inground pool, new car every X Number of years.

Damn. I really like this topic, but I'm just not able to put it in to words what I want to say. I'm a bit whacked out on pain meds.

He married her knowing she would be a good wife, mother and partner. She would be suitably socially for his position in the community. But he also knew BEFORE marriage that the sex would be...poor.

I'm not quite sure I know why she married him. I think she has throughly enjoyed being a mother. I think she has enjoyed the income. But, if it had been more acceptable at the time and she had had the income, I could totally see her as one of those women who went for in vitro with an anonymous donor.

What would I do if I was in her position? I just don't know. If I truly believed I gave my all and was focused on the relationship, I'd walk away. After so many years, if your best isn't good enough, then why beat yourself up?

If I knew I had been lacking, then the real internal battle begins.

December 17, 2015

Many years ago, in my 20s, I was not a good wife. Oh, I never cheated on him, but I gave up on the marriage, probably 4-5 years before it actually ended. I wasn't interested in sex with him and now, 20+ years later, if he told me he cheated, I'd honestly shrug it off. I was withholding sex, I,was lacking, I was not providing in that area. It was a turn on to him to have me show him what I liked and teach him. Over and over. It was a total turn off for me. He knew what to do, but he repeatedly chose not to or he would sabotage my pleasure.

He was lazy in and out of the bedroom.

Looking back, we didn't have the same goals. While we both were raised middle class, in intact homes, we just didn't have the same goals. I wanted a house and financially stability before kids. He liked the idea of kids, but never seemed to grasp that actually having children would be work on his part. My plan was to get through school, get a decent job, put him through school, have him get a job, all while paying a mortgage and doing various upgrades to the house. I probably would have tried to have the first child while I was in my second or third year at my job.

His goals were to still see every movie or rent every movie he wanted to and eat out as much as he wanted to. He really didn't want to work. In or out of the home. He still isn't a fan of working and has hated every job he's ever had.

I say all that as a prelude. If I were the BW, from my former relationship....I'd have to acknowledge my shortcomings. His wife (I believe) is one of those women who really doesn't like men and/or isn't a fan of sex. I'm not saying she is a lesbian, far from it. She went to an all-girls school, she works in a female heavy occupation. She has spent her life in the company of women. And sex is...well, dirty. Doggy style and blow jobs are demeaning. The male body is not anything she ever wanted to explore.

And before people rail at me that MM had no business telling me personal stuff about her, he really didn't complain about it. His words were something to the effect, "you can tell when a woman really doesn't want to have sex. You can tell when she is just going through the motions to appease you. I'd have a tough time staying aroused and then I couldn't perform. Then the times I could perform, I felt like I had forced her somehow. It made me feel sick afterwards that I was one step from being a rapist by requiring this of her." Those sentences were not said at the same time, probably once each over almost 7 years.

So, his focus was on how his urges made him feel wrong. I always thought 30 minutes with a counselor and 3-4 ideas for "homework" and they'd be off and running. But they don't/didn't talk about it.

My belief in their marriage is that they both take each other for granted. She does 95% of the housework, grocery shopping, domestic responsibilities. He doesn't buy his own clothes, wash them, iron them or fold them. I've often felt like he is a pampered Prince. He does work 16 hour days, but she has a job as well. Her income does pay 1-2 bills, but probably 40% of her income is spent on whatever she pleases. His income pays for the 4000 square foot house, inground pool, new car every X Number of years.

Damn. I really like this topic, but I'm just not able to put it in to words what I want to say. I'm a bit whacked out on pain meds.

He married her knowing she would be a good wife, mother and partner. She would be suitably socially for his position in the community. But he also knew BEFORE marriage that the sex would be...poor.

I'm not quite sure I know why she married him. I think she has throughly enjoyed being a mother. I think she has enjoyed the income. But, if it had been more acceptable at the time and she had had the income, I could totally see her as one of those women who went for in vitro with an anonymous donor.

What would I do if I was in her position? I just don't know. If I truly believed I gave my all and was focused on the relationship, I'd walk away. After so many years, if your best isn't good enough, then why beat yourself up?

If I knew I had been lacking, then the real internal battle begins.

If the sex is the same as before they married and he doesn't discuss it, how is she to know something is lacking?

December 17, 2015

Hey ShatteredLady, How are you? I have read a lot of your posts here. You seem so kind and gentle, and I am so sorry that you are going through so much pain.

My input might not matter very much as my story is a little different, but I wanted to share with you anyway. First of all, I had no idea I was an OW. It literally knocked me down to my knees for a while. I am still trying to figure out what the hell I went through this year. But, for all intents and purposes, however everything played out, I wasn’t /am not his wife, so I am still an “Other,” a secondary.

For starters, I didn’t have an opinion on the BW as bad or unloving or unsexual from exMM because except for the day he told me he was married, he never really said anything bad about her, save for “there are underlying issues.” On my Dday, he claimed he had been unhappy for a while and was together out of obligation, but amended that very soon after. He said he loved her and they still had fun together, but that he loved me too. He said in the moment that is how he felt, and seeing me fall to pieces brought those “unhappy in marriage” statements out. My opinions on the BW came from my interactions with her after her Dday, after which we communicated for about four days and I told her whatever she wanted to know truthfully. Then exMM decided to tell her he wasn’t giving me up and they decided to have an open marriage. I don’t think badly of her, but did feel badly for her. Then I had to keep reminding myself she had an affair five years prior, and I was not dealing with anything close to normal from either of them.

To this day, I have no idea why she sticks around. I can’t believe that she endured what exMM put her through. I have no idea how she let him go on vacation with me, come visit me for a week at a time and did not have a nervous breakdown, didn’t even have one day where she blew up his phone or didn’t at least make an effort to show him her ultimatums/rules meant something. I remember on night after I found out, before she did, I was so so upset and feeling so betrayed, lost and filled with questions, and he wasn’t answering my texts. So I called. No answer. I lost it and called like four more times in a row until he turned his phone off. When he later texted something to the effect of “this is not how you described yourself…” Well, you can imagine the hell I rained down on him. But I was having this reaction because he was with someone else instead of me. I had ended it anyway, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel hurt and jealous and angry. This is how I would have expected her to react at least ONE day that he was with me. But it didn’t happen. She did tell him on occasion “How disrespectful is it that you are telling someone else I love you, goodnight right before you get into our bed.” Indeed. How can one put up with that?

After a little bit of NC, he and I are in touch at the moment. Most of our “dark” conversations I am asking him how he can say he loves her and do everything that he did, and now what he is doing by contacting me. I don’t get it. Fine, so let’s assume he doesn’t mean the things he says to me. That doesn’t change the fact that he is actively putting down his wife and her “love” by just being in contact with me, let alone telling me the things he is still telling me. ExMM is majorly broken, but he can’t see that. And when I think that his wife must be the type that is so insecure and lost without him that she can’t see a way out from under his thumb, I remind myself that someone weak and madly in love and denial wouldn’t have had the want/guts an affair a few months after getting married and then keep it a secret for five until her husband said he had known all along. So I am not quite sure what goes on there, but I still find it hard to reconcile the fact that she was hurt, but still put up with all of his crap.

So after this entire story, what is my point? I would not stay for one minute. If my significant other shared with another what he was supposed to share only with me, nothing would ever be the same. And all the lies to top it all off. I would never be able to trust him. And I don’t. I do still love him, unfortunately, but the only thing that makes me stronger everyday is the fact that I don’t think I could ever be with a man who treated his wife that he still “loves” like that.

The next part…I don’t really know how to say any of this tactfully or gently enough, and for that I am sorry. I know that you state that he is actually kind and remorseful and all of that, but from more a few of your posts, I have a different opinion of him. I see that you are in so much pain and you are looking to get better and some days are just so hellish for you. Your pain and anxiety is so raw and real. What I read is that he is sorry. But what I don’t read is what he is doing to help YOU. What he is doing to calm YOU down. Or make YOU feel like you are his best friend/soulmate/passion person? I haven’t read that in most of your posts. In fact, when I read your post about the holidays, I really wanted to reach out to you and tell you that I think you deserve better. And that if he can’t even give you a sense of stability, then reconciliation is going to be a much longer road for you than most. So what he is shameful and full of regret? Does he make you feel safe or does he just simply tell you that you are? Because when I read what you write, my heart stops a little. You are not feeling safe, and you are not being taken care of. If you were, then you wouldn’t have even had to make that “Holidays” post, as he would have gone above and beyond to make sure he had everything covered before you felt worried.

I would generally advise you to talk to him because I thought that maybe he was really not realizing how much damage he had done as he didn’t have a PA. So maybe he thinks you are overreacting. So I would say explore all of that before you decide to leave. But personally, from a lot of what you said he has said to/about you, I don’t think that was ever even an option. We are all human, we have lapses in judgment and make mistakes...but making mistakes AND being cruel? That is something else entirely, and I really urge you to explore this. Anyone who blames “the fog” for treating their BS like sh*t is full of it. You can be in a love fog, and not turn into a monster. Those that do, had the monster inside all along. They just lost the drive to hide it for a while, and maybe THAT is because of the fog. But rest assured that when they come back all meek and sorry, that darkness is still there, it is just hidden again. The WSs that are wracked with guilt sometimes start treating the BS better than they have for years, so the ones that become like your husband…I don’t really think they are safe. Because they never were.

My opinion is that infidelity is a dealbreaker. But everyone says you don’t know until you have been there. Fair enough. But the WSs that treat the BSs cruelly? Those are the ones that you really should run from. I really don’t think there is hope for them. So, ShatteredLady, I think you should sprint as hard and as long as you can. I’m sorry if any of this hurt your feelings. It is really not my intention.

Lots of Love,

Yodel

December 17, 2015

If the sex is the same as before they married and he doesn't discuss it, how is she to know something is lacking?

Again, I want to emphasize he did not trash his wife's behavior in the bedroom. I was with him for several years and every once in a while he made comments. I believe what he said. They are both uber conservative Christians and from the era where nice girls didn't enjoy sex and good men didn't force their wives to put their mouth there. He was pretty damn vanilla in the sack with me for a long time.

He said she tried oral sex a few times and she retched after just a few licks. That's a pretty good deterrent. I know in my life when I've been with a man who doesn't enjoy giving oral sex, I don't relax.

He also told me during snuggling or petting sessions, foreplay, he would move her hand to his penis and she would remove it. That's a pretty good nonverbal cue.

As a woman or a man, I believe when you remove one or two of the three primary components of sex, you have to know something is missing. The three components being: mouth, hands and genitals. That isn't to say people can't still have rewarding, enjoyable sex.

I just can't imagine with the way society is now, the books, the movies, the memes that she could be that immune to not knowing something is lacking in the bedroom. Anything is possible, though.

December 17, 2015

WOW. I am really sorry. I had not idea a wrote a book as a reply until I just saw the post, but I am not sure what I would edit out, so I am leaving as is, I hope that is ok. Eeep.

December 17, 2015

No one is ever married to the person they think they are. People would be a lot better off if they would understand that the nature of humans is highly complex, and you never fully know anyone.

Right, no I get this, but you still don't think the person you are with is going to deceive in the way they do.

I definitely didn't marry the person I thought I did. If I would've seen half of what I have seen post dday I never would have M'd him.

Edited December 17, 2015 by ladydesigner

December 17, 2015

Cheating was always a marital deal breaker for me. I believed it meant the marriage was broken.

Now that I've been an OW, I know it means, regardless of the marriage, the cheater is broken.

I'm too far along in life to waste my time fixing broken people I should be able to trust. One time and he'd be out.

December 17, 2015

People would be a lot better off if they would understand that the nature of humans is highly complex, and you never fully know anyone.

i think most do understand that - but that didn't really save anyone from trusting others & going through the pain of disappointment when they realize their trust was misplaced.

December 17, 2015

If I were a single, successful, mentally & physically healthy person & I met some man who did this to me after a few years he'd be out the door!

I'm a hypocrite! I'm not telling the truth!! Why would I do that? This is annonymous...

When we very first met he had recently been dumped by his girlfriend. After about 6 months, just when I was realizing that I REALLY liked him, I found out that the first weekend he had slept with his ex. At first I wanted him OUT but I understood & we talked a lot...

Anyway.... We've been together 26 years. Married 20 next year. Our oldest child is 9. That's a LOT of years. That's most of my adult life. I've had 2 years (2x1) of complete hell. A couple of hard years. The rest has been very good. Even he titled his forum post "My former magical life".

Our D-days are strange. Both times they're "I'm not happy. Everything is wrong with you!" blindsides. Followed by months & months of me trying to 'fix' the impossible. Then 6 months + later I discover that's he's having an affair. By the time I have a true D-Day I'm so broken & confused that I don't trust myself!

If we lived at home I know I'd runaway to family or friends. Honestly, probably he'd fight for me & we would get back together but in a better place. I'd have some control, some power.

To leave I have to pack the kids-up & get on a plane for 10 hours. Logistically with my back that's a nightmare! We would loose the house & everything we've built together. Our savings have gone on health expenses & my H loosing his job last summer.

Let's be honest... What if the cancer surgery doesn't work? What if I die? Would you put your kids through this? Give them THAT as their last memories of their mother, their family?

My brother took his own life. My happiness (true or not) is about all my parents have to hold onto.

What if my H did as threatened & took his life? What if (highly probable) my words send him over the edge. He has always suffered from depression.

The SHOCK is the worst thing! Tears are already flooding down my face & I'm having trouble catching my breath. I KNOW I'm screwed-up. Ugh!!

December 17, 2015

Thank you for everyone who's posted. This has ended-up more cathartic for me than I thought.

I never meant "If an OW marries her MM", that different as some pointed out. I was wondering if being an OW gave you a different perspective on cheating. If you married a 'good guy' & after many years he cheated.... I've never been an OW even when very young. I was just wondering.

I know that every situation is different but at one point I was a sociology student (changed my mind). It can be seen as we're all individuals living by not very unique 'rules' of behavior. Sometimes trying to find commonalities, tribe, helps.

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What if you were on the other side? [infidelity related]

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