notmakingsense Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 (I apologize in advance for the long post -- and I especially apologize for all of you who have stuck through this same subject with me for many months) I have been in an on-again, off-again relationship for about 1.5 years. We've broken up a few times, and I've always come back after her and gotten things to it's on-again status. You can read many other posts from me, but basically -- I'm totally convinced this is the woman for me, but she isn't totally convinced I'm the guy for her. I won't belabor all the details, but the relationship is VERY good in terms of compatibility, values, sexuality, and goals in life. It seems the main hang-ups are that (a) I'm more of a subdued "type-B" personality than she's used to, and (b) She's used to a higher-end lifestyle that will be difficult to obtain should we get married and all of that. She's extremely good looking, bright, fun, and blah, blah, blah -- but basically -- men fall overthemselves to be with her -- and she has plenty of access to wealthy, successful, powerful men. In the past off-periods -- she has dated a little, and has returned because of the bond we have -- which she has not yet been able to find in someone else. That said, none of these off-periods have been for very long -- so she still feels sometimes that, because she's not too long out of a long/messy divorce, that she needs to take the time to be free and really explore all the types of relationships that life has to offer. Just recently, we broke up again. It started with me writing her a note saying I couldn't continue to see her knowing she was going to be dating others. After a few weeks, she called, I caved, and we got together for dinner. During dinner, and into that evening (which got extremely passionate, but just a hair shy of sex), we talked a lot. She confirmed again that she has the intention of dating others, she loves me and feels I just might be the one (a good chance she says), but she is remaining steadfast to her plan. She has told me she would like to continue dating me -- that she wants me to remain in her life, as a deep friend, and if it was meant to me -- we will be brought together as a fully committed couple. Finally! My Question! Knowing that my emotions run deep, and the fact that I suffer pain knowing she is dating others. Can anyone share with me the merits (or not) of sticking it out because you strongly believe that she is the one? Has anyone faced their insecurities and picked up and carried on with their lives while the one they love stayed at a distance? Did this labor of love pay off or not? I've heard all the criticisms and suggestions of NC, and so on -- but this is a competition, and she likes a strong man. Will it impress her that I stick it out, or will it make me look weak? Finally, before you judge, it is my intention to try to be busy and happy with my own life -- and I will also begin dating others. I mean, what is fair, is fair.
beesknees Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 i think you deserve to be respected by the one you love. it breaks my heart that you are in a relationship where she is dating others knowing full well that you want to be with her and her alone- and that you think she's the one. if only my ex had felt this way about me... :/ sounds like she's being pretty up front about where she is though- recently divorced and wants to play the field, and cannot offer you what you want right now. do you really just want to be on the rotation? doesn't sound like it to me. i think you should be in a relationship where your love is reciprocated. yes, i have been through an on-and-off relationship (for far too long). the merits weren't much, to be honest. it was like waiting to be picked up, and never having your ride show up. very sad. don't you deserve better?
Author notmakingsense Posted May 31, 2005 Author Posted May 31, 2005 Thanks Bees -- that's consistent with the feedback I've been getting. What makes it hard for me to break off completely is that, when I look into her eyes and see her emotion, I know that she also has a deep connection to me, and is often conflicted/confused about what she is doing. Ultimately, I'm scared of the "out of sight, out of mind" syndrome as a result of just fading away. I'm torn with keeping myself in her life (until she has either foound someone or returns for good), or just cutting it off now. I know that my life will ultimately be less painful in a few months if I cut it off, but I will aso be thinking -- "what would have happened if I kept after it"? She both likes a challenge, as well as a strong man. I'm just wondering if someone like me (or in my situation) can learn how to detach and take a more "take it or leave it" attitude -- while also keeping the connection alive. Sure -- I'd run the risk of watching her fall in love with another -- but at least then I'd know it was fully over.
beesknees Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 I say do your own thing, date other women, and let her come searching for you. She needs to value you, and at this moment, I think she's reveling in her new-found freedom, and making the most out of her single life. Don't be the one standing idly by while she dates other men... ouch! ouch! ouch! I don't know that there is a way to be detached all while maintaining a connection. I think that niceness/connection is just a license for her to know she's got you on a string. She's got to WANT to be with you exclusively, and there is no way that I know of to make someone do that if they don't want to. If I did, my ex & I would still be together. Hang in there though. I feel your pain.
Author notmakingsense Posted June 1, 2005 Author Posted June 1, 2005 Thanks Bees You know something else interesting? She actually *assumes* that I will go off and see other people -- even sleep with them. Do you think this is her way of reducing her guilt?
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