PrincessMe Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 ........................... i have a problem.............i cheated on my hubby ............ 4 days ago....... the problem is that i don't feel quilty or anything other than want to do it again with the same guy as this last time............he made me feel things i forgot and i loved it........................ .................i don't know if it was even really cheating because my hubby and i have a sort of open marriage ..............see he can see other women and i can see other women................................but this was with a man......................................... ..............my emotions are so messed up i just need help i don't know what to do.....................this guy has called me each day since just to say hi and make sure i'm ok...................................i don't know what to do...................
beesknees Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 if you have an open marriage, and your hubby can see other women, why can't you see other men?
Author PrincessMe Posted May 31, 2005 Author Posted May 31, 2005 Sorry about that . The periods were more of a streaming conciousness, just let it all get out of me. To answer the other question, my husband thinks that it's ok for him to have sex with other women and i the same, but he also says that he had no desire to have sex with another man , so i can't either. I finally gave up on arguing the point and this affair or whatever it is to be called is the result. My problem is the way this other man (he is also married by the way, they are also in an open marriage) makes me feel. I thought i was happy until i realized that i wanted to make love to my best friend. What should i do?
Humbledog Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 You have me lost to!!! Is your best friend the 3rd party or is the the om?
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 Part of having an open marriage is the agreement to be set clear boundaries, and be honest with each other about your dealings. my husband thinks that it's ok for him to have sex with other women and i the same, but he also says that he had no desire to have sex with another man , so i can't either. Ok, I'm calling this for what it is. 100% pure, unadulterated BULLSH*T. The marriage sounds more like it was 'open' primarily for his sexual pleasure, and open for you only in ways that he wouldn't feel threatened. In other words, not an open marriage at all. There is no reason whatsoever for you to see his 'arrangement' as anything except for what it is: a selfish one-sided excuse for him to get all the p*ssy he wants on the side, and for you to experience only the sex that he deems appropriate for you (incidentally, sex that precludes your happiness and feeds into his insecurity). What a mess. Open marriages can work for some people - but only if it is an open marriage in the true sense. All you have is a closed marriage with a 'cheater' loophole for him to jump through, while you have no choice but to watch and not complain. Are you considering leaving him? Usually I'll suggest marriage counseling in cases where there may have been something to fix but in this case, your best option is to jump this sinking ship your husband has trapped you on. He has manipulated you deeply. I would be more likely to suggest some solid individual counseling until you can gather up the strength and resources to leave. Unless he is willing to allow for a true open marriage - there's no point in staying in this farce of one. Pick up a copy of "Open Marriage" by Nena and George O'Neill to see an example of an open marriage in its truest sense. What your husband has subjected you to is NOT open marriage.
beesknees Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 I ditto LB. It's a closed marriage with a loophole for him to cheat. I think you knew it was a bad deal, and that's why you went and had the affair. I think a professional counselor will be best equipped to help you with this.
Author PrincessMe Posted June 1, 2005 Author Posted June 1, 2005 Ok. to answer one of the Question where i lost somone at. The OM is my best friend, or at least has became that in the past 3 years. I can;t explain our arrangement because from the begining i didn't know what to think, I didn't want him with anyone else at all but i knew if i said no he'd just cheat on me. (and now look what i've done) The problem with the OM is he and his wife are getting divorced and he is telling me that he wants a relationship with me that's more than just an affair once in a while, oh gosh i can't even type about it without crying it has me so lost...............
Humbledog Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 I understand your confusion!! Just to get one thing clear, You have been having relations w/OM/ fRIEND FOR 3 OR 4 YRS NOW but, he is now wanting to leave his wife and want's you to jump ship with him. Would that be close to what the situation really is?
Author PrincessMe Posted June 1, 2005 Author Posted June 1, 2005 this is my second marriage, i guess i didn't do my job the first time because he left me for another woman........ i've thought about leaving but he tells me he'll die without me, and take the child we have together away, and i also i'm afraid of failing for a second time if i could figure out why i can't seem to keep men happy i would fix it and then they wouldn't leave me.......... I try to be a good wife and mother and make everything perfect and do whatever needs to be done.......... and when i slept with the OM i feel like now anything that happens is going to be my fault sorry for adding so much noise to that .......
Author PrincessMe Posted June 1, 2005 Author Posted June 1, 2005 humbledog to answer your question i have known the OM and been best friends with him for 3 years and we just barely slept together 4 nights ago...............it was something not planned and it just happened
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 You are being emotionally abused by your husband. No two ways about it. His 'arrangement', his passive-aggressive threats... I can understand why you are in such pain right now. You haven't failed in this marriage. Your husband has failed you. Miserably. And he is more than willing to make you think that it is all your fault. You need to protect yourself, and your child right now - even if you have to do it behind your husband's back until you can get onto your own two feet and be strong enough to free yourself from this. Set up an appointment with a good therapist to talk this out. If you are having money troubles, call up social services in your area and tell them you are in an abusive situation, need someone to talk to and they will help you arrange the billing to fit your needs. Then, go talk to a lawyer for some legal advice on divorce and custody, and tell the lawyer everything - about how you were coerced into the 'arrangement' by your husband, and how he has threatened to take away your child if you leave him - include any mistreatment he has dealt out to you or your child. Walking out of an abusive, one-sided and unfair marriage is not a failure. Protecting your child and yourself from a lifetime of emotional abuse and pain is not a failure.
Humbledog Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 Originally posted by PrincessMe this is my second marriage, i guess i didn't do my job the first time because he left me for another woman........ i've thought about leaving but he tells me he'll die without me, and take the child we have together away, and i also i'm afraid of failing for a second time if i could figure out why i can't seem to keep men happy i would fix it and then they wouldn't leave me.......... I try to be a good wife and mother and make everything perfect and do whatever needs to be done.......... and when i slept with the OM i feel like now anything that happens is going to be my fault sorry for adding so much noise to that ....... I am giving you a mans point of view and although I may act like a hardass male, Ego/Testosterone/ pier group thing... I truly feel for your situation!!! You seem like a genuine sweetheart of a lady but are allowing yourself to be manipulated bigtime!!! Why do you always have to fix it? Maybe you had enough and this is your reaction! Whatever this is not healthy for all involved and you should really think about what it is you want for your future!! TALK TO SOME OF THE LADIES that have posted on your subject as I believe you have revealed imfo that might help them, help you, w/ there life experience. Some wise imfo flows around as I am new here but am Intrigued at the powerful assistance in a expediant method that this site provides!!! I wish you luck!!!
Author PrincessMe Posted June 1, 2005 Author Posted June 1, 2005 thank you guys for caring so much. I would have never thought that strangers would be able to understnd. I am going to call a therapist tonight and see what i can do tomarrow about trying to fix this situation. The only other thing I wonder about is the OM, he is so wonderful and caring for me . What to do there? He genuinly cares for me, i know that but still could he be mistaking it for love? It felt so good to be told i was beautiful and deel like he was actually LOVING me, I just feel lost, but i am going to call a therapist
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 One thing at a time. Its good that you are making that call. Consider it your first step. As for OM, best to work on the problems you have on the homefront first, and let the OM work on the problems on his end. The best thing you can do for each other right now, is to allow each other to take care of what needs to be taken care of before you two even think about starting a life together. It will be easier for you both, to uninvolve yourselves from the other's problem-solving for the time being. No need for either of you to carry your baggage from your current relationships into the relationships that may await you in the future.
Guest Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Originally posted by PrincessMe The only other thing I wonder about is the OM, he is so wonderful and caring for me . What to do there? He genuinly cares for me, i know that but still could he be mistaking it for love? I don't think you can delve into what you really believe about the OM until you understand yourself. Hopefully the counsellor you choose will be able to guide you through. For now, it might be best to suspend judgement to ensure you don't end up in a similar situation for the third time. The question I am pondering is whose voice is it, in your head, that is telling you this is what you deserve? Your Mother's? Father's? A first love's? A teenage lover's? Priest or Pastor's? ... Why are you punishing yourself?
kkat Posted June 2, 2005 Posted June 2, 2005 Please make sure you get into therapy immediately, and make sure you give an overview to the therapist upfront and feel comfortable with that person's ability to approach this open mindedly and without judgement or agenda. I know this sounds obvious - any good therapist would be able to do that - but sometimes it's unfortunately just not the case. Good luck to you.
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