Coming up on 3 weeks no contact - sadness coming back

[buddha84]

So I went through a horrible breakup after 4 years. Found out the person I was with was cheating on me (only after the break up) for months while we were together. Spent some months trying to get her back, but it didn't work. She finally told me to never email her or talk to her again. So here I am about 3 weeks out, and suddenly the feelings of missing her is coming back. After our break up, there was a lot of back and forth, moments of her crying, her emailing me to say she loves me, and then seeing her with the other guy.

 

I'd say what I'm hit with now is first the realization that we will probably never talk again or have anything to do with each other. I'm also feeling like my confidence has been pretty much shot because she picked this other guy over me and treated me like I wasn't worth talking to or dating at all. I wish I had done no contact from the start, but I was too emotionally charged. Now I just feel confused about where to go next and like I'm basically undatable/unattractive. I'm trying to get my confidence back and stop thinking about her, but she keeps coming up in my thoughts. I know she isn't really giving me any thought at all, and has made it known that she is madly in love with this guy. Just looking for some support, I guess. I just wish I could erase her from my mind.

[BonerFide]

This isn't going to be easy to hear but it sounds very much like you want her back for the WRONG REASONS: them being that your self esteem is low and you're not used to being alone. Here's the facts: she cheated on you, she seems very manipulative and she CHEATED ON YOU! It's exceptionally hard to execute NC but I urge you to continue; don't look at social media (I'm assuming that's how you "saw her with the other guy"), don't talk to her and try and focus on yourself.

 

It's really healthy that you're trying to get your confidence back. Mine was shot after my BU of about three months ago. Try and absorb yourself in activities like hanging out with friends and talking about other things until you calm down enough to be able to think about the break up rationally, and I think from that you'll really understand why you guys broke up and why it's important that you don't try and get back together.

 

It is hard, it really is. I can only imagine how much worse my BU would've been if cheating was a factor, too. It's over now though, and you need to give yourself the best shot at being happy, which you can only do by really trying to move on.

[salem mark]

dont ever ever ever get back with someone who cheated on you,

 

its hard, time heals all wounds, work on you, and please dont even think of contacting this person

[buddha84]

What made our breakup hard was that we had to live together for the last 2-3 months of our lease after the breakup. She would cry and say how she loves me one day, then the next day I would come home, her door would be closed, flowers out, and I'd hear her leave with the guy the next morning.

 

I think what is becoming frustrating is that I just want to move on - but I can't seem to get into any activity. I keep picturing her in my mind with whatever I do - her approval, or how she will be impressed with this and that. It's really making it hard for me to enjoy anything or figure out what I actually enjoy. Trust me, our breakup was real messy. She first broke up with me saying we needed to work on ourselves for a bit, and basically blaming me for everything. Then I came to find out that she was actually with someone else. I feel like a lot of the ways she treated me were because she was cheating.

 

So now I am confused, because I basically weathered months of abuse, being told how horrible I am, only for it to come out that she had been cheating on me. She apologized and said she regretted doing that, but the words and perceptions just seem to stick. Being told I'm not attractive anymore, that she thought she could do better, that sex with me was a chore - I mean, I know it wasn't always like this, and I've lost a lot of weight since the breakup (down to 150 from 200). It's just hard to view myself in a good way when someone kept telling me how I have all these issues. In the end, it comes out that she was lying about a bunch of stuff - all the times she had to stay and watch a friend's dog for the night. I don't know - I'm just frustrated that I'm not over this and moving forward.

 

I was also left in a horrible financial situation - had to live on a friends couch, couldn't pay my bills because I kicked her out for the last month (after she kept bring the guy over). So now my credit is horrible and I just feel like a loser that people won't date. Hopefully things will get better, but I feel like I have a real uphill battle.

[mg4514]

Bro, everything you are feeling is perfectly normal. In fact, if you weren't feeling this way, you would be ABNORMAL.

 

I'm sure I'm not telling you anything new, but what you are experiencing are the five stages of grief (if you don't know it-Google it).

 

Now, here's the good news! Because you are feeling this way, it means your are advancing into the next stage of grief. YOU ARE MAKING PROGRESS!!! Keep in mind, it is also normal to shift back and forth into the various stages, the important thing to take from this is: you are moving forward.

 

It is NEVER too late to go into NC, so start now!! Now, here's the kick in the groin, and it happens to be exactly where I find myself. She is going to throw you the "breadcrumbs"---when this happens, you should take it for exactly what it is. It is selfish. It is insulting. It is NOT the response you were hoping for. Don't get confused by it, and do not, do not, take the bait and break NC.

 

As for undatable/unattractive/etc. this too, my friend, is not unusual. Low self esteem is the byproduct of a break up, especially one in which she was so undeniably selfish to cheat on you. Her cheating on you is the silver lining in this whole event. She revealed herself for what she is, and it will never be acceptable. Let her carry that burden FOREVER, don't let her make you carry it for her. And don't let her off the hook when the breadcrumbs come your way.

 

We're all here for you. Keep your chin up.

[buddha84]

Oh yeah man - trust me, I think I've been all around every stage. She's given a lot of breadcrumbs - and now she is fully committed to her new relationship and doesn't have anything to do with me at all. How's this for a breadcrumb after our breakup: came home from work one night, she was up waiting for me. Told me she slept in my bed, gave me a book as a present, we hugged a lot. Next day, guy is over staying the night and she tells me "sorry if you thought we were getting back together - I just wanted to be friends". My head has been all screwed up with her. I know I need to move on - it just hurts when memories come back. I can't even enjoy my time out with friends because I see couples and all of that. It's been 3 weeks no contact, but it still feels fresh.

 

I'm signing up for new classes and all of that - and trying my best to move on. I just wish she wasn't in the back of my mind for most all of my decisions. We've been broken up since July, yet we haven't had NC except for the last 3 weeks. I avoid looking her up, and have her blocked, but then my friend sent me a pic from her facebook that was on her bday. She was all "life is so great, thank you for all the wonderful people in my life" and posted the pics of all the flowers from her bf. Just brought up a bunch of stuff - I told my friend to not send me that stuff again.

[BuddyX]

You sure you didn't ask for the pic? My real friends would never do that. They'll send me pics of potential GF's and tell me to get back on that horse. Whoever send you that pic is a Dick.

[buddha84]

My friend is pretty inconsiderate sometimes - not on purpose, some people can just be dense like that.

 

*Warning - kind of long - read if you want to see my kind of moment of a realization.

 

So I caved and tried to contact my ex (it had just been her bday, it's near the holidays - I suppose I was just feeling nostalgic). I really regret the situation. I sent her an email just saying that I was really sad about things and missed her - that it sucks how things went down, and I missed a lot of our times together and kept thinking about her. Later that night she tried to call me twice. I felt weird about it and anxious, so I didn't answer. Then she sent me an email - in the email she said:

 

"Buddha84, I know I shouldn't email you back but I think about you every day too and I still feel horrible about everything. Every single morning when I wake up I feel the sadness and the loss and regret. It still feels like a part of me is missing. I'm just afraid because every time we start talking again things get worse than they were before. I don't trust that you won't say something hurtful. It makes total and complete sense that you would say hurtful things after what I did to you so I don't blame you at all for that. I just wish I could get in a time machine and go back in time to change things. I feel like all I've done is cause so much pain to you and myself, and I honestly wish I was dead sometimes. I don't really know who I am any more. I hate my life most days. This has been so much harder and more painful than I ever could have imagined and if nothing else, I want you to know that I have never stopped loving you and I am so incredibly sorry for the pain I've inflicted. I'm so sorry and the word sorry doesn't feel like enough. I just don't know what to do any more. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully forgive myself."

 

So I didn't check my email until the next day, so an hour later, as usual, she sent a kind of email trying to step back:

 

"I'm sorry about that last email. I'm really emotional right now because I started my period today and my mom is being sentenced tomorrow. She might go to prison for a few years. I'm a mess at the moment but every day is different and I'm working on myself, trying to get better. I hope you are well and I'm sorry again for that dramatic email."

 

After these emails, I didn't know what to think, so I said that I was pretty much feeling the same and wish we could be together again. I know - stupid stupid stupid. Then I just get a tiny response not really responding to anything I said. Then the next day, after I send another email saying how I missed her and maybe we can talk on things, I get:

 

"I still miss those times together too. I wish I had done so many things differently but I guess I did the best I could at that time. It's hard around the holidays because of all the memories. I hope at some point we can try to be friends again at least. I know it may be too soon now but I hope some day we can be.

My biggest regret is that I didn't follow my heart and go to Korea to teach English after I graduated. I think if I had gone and we had both had time to work on ourselves maybe things would have been different. But I let my fears get in the way and instead started blaming you for every problem in my life. I let resentments build up until I was able to justify treating you badly because I felt you were treating me badly.

I'm sorry for the ways I tried to change you, and for making you feel like you weren't enough. I took on your life as my project to distract myself from my own problems (I didn't know I was doing it at the time but I've come to believe that's what happened.). We've talked about all of those things before but I still regret the ways I treated you throughout our relationship. Even from the beginning I was trying to change you but you never tried to change me. You pretty much accepted me the way I was from the get go."

 

So I was walking, thinking about my response, all these things I could say sorry for, all these ways I could talk highly of myself, when a realization hit me. I have too much darkness in my own life for someone of her age to handle and understand (I have been through a lot in life, and I'm 6 years older - from drug addictions, a crazy life, horrible lowlife friends, and just living in the pits). I also realized that she requires an amount of support that I'm not able to provide at my age. I think I actually want someone closer to my age who is just different. I can't provide the amount of support she needs and never could, because I'm just in a different place in my life. I went from the pits, community college, university, multiple degrees and college education, and I just have a different worldview. Our relationship really wasn't that great - we really didn't match, but it was largely a learning experience that prepared me for who I would like to meet in the future. I workout now, play guitar, and just have a life of experiences. I've dealt with a lot of loss - from friends dying, friends going to prison, to having to get a GED and go all the way through a top university in my state. What I need is a WOMAN who is closer to where I am.

 

After a lot of this hit me, plus a lot of other realizations, the desire to email her has faded and her new relationship is just seeming to matter less and less. She just doesn't respect or have any desire to spend time with me anymore, and that is probably okay because I don't think I want to be with her - it's just loneliness and that lack of a relationship that I once had which brings me back. But the silverlining is that I'm human, and humans have many experiences, but many of them are shared. Finding another person who I get along with won't be hard and I'm only 31. Why return to something where someone probably doesn't view you as you are or accept you as you are? Where they reject you over and over - there's woman out there who want what I want.

Edited December 19, 2015 by buddha84