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Worried he's still hung up on his ex

Lottie86

By Lottie86
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Lottie86 Member

Lottie86

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I've been seeing this guy for a month or so on and off and he's got a lot of personal stuff going on right now with his family. We started off quite rocky with him being bad at communicating and generally being non committal in terms of making plans and sticking to them but over the past few weeks things have really improved and I was starting to feel hopeful that we had or could have, some kind of future.

 

But of course when you think something is going well it generally falls to ****.

 

The problem is his ex. Or him being hung up on her. Or me being insecure and jealous. I'm not sure

 

Basically they talk every day after splitting up more than 6 months ago after being together for 5 years. Obviously I'd prefer if they didn't talk but it's not my place to say. He's been very honest with me about her and has said that he isn't in love with her but cares about her and would be there for her if she needed him like he would for all of his friends. But he's also said that 100% they won't get back together and he doesn't want to.

 

Her oven broke and he's an electrician so he went over yesterday to fix it. He told me about it in advance and he and I had dinner after. He told me he texted her to say he needed a part and said he wanted to tell me incase she replied

 

He went back today to fix it and told me after it was awkward. He was wearing a jumper she bought him on holiday and she used to steal it and wear it and they have pictures in the house they shared of both of them in it. He said he brushed it off, fixed the oven and left and she called him after he left to make sure he was ok.

 

He said it made him think and that he was grateful for their time together. And to be honest, that worried me.

 

He's being really honest with me which is great but I feel insecure. And I know I have no right as we're not together and they obviously have a past but am I wasting my time with him if clearly he's hung up on his ex or am I overreacting and being over sensitive?

 

I'm prone to worrying about things and over reacting internally. So I'm not sure if this is me making a big deal out of something that really isn't a big deal or not.

Edited by Lottie86
Redfisher Established Member

Redfisher

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If they have no kids he should go NC with her if he wants you.... I'm positive it will end bad if he does not. Some will say it can work but I'm not one sorry.

casey.lives Established Member

casey.lives

Posted
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tell him ... he still loves her... and to go be with her!!

LostOnes05 Established Member

LostOnes05

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It's a big deal. I don't care if he wears a GoPro and records his interactions. The fact that it's still recent and they still talk and have residual feelings for each other would be a major concern. Sure he tells you everything so far (as we know) but don't believe he wouldn't go back to her. ANYTHING is possible. And as Murphy's Law states, "if anything can go wrong it will". Let him know truly how you feel and ask him if the shoe was on the other foot would he feel comforted by you telling him "everything". I mean, he could come home and say hey we need to talk...we kinda sorta kissed and it brought back old feelings blah blah. Then you're heartbroken for seeing it right in front of you but saying nothing and for the fact that you believed him. (I'm a guy by the way)

 

I'm not saying he's isn't a stand up guy. Just be careful. Someone spending that amount of time around an ex doesn't sound like good news to me. Remember they have 5 years of history that you couldn't possibly compete with if they think there is still a chance. Be open and honest about how you feel with him. Understand though, that you might have to walk away if he isn't willing to at least think of how it might bother you and cut contact. Right now it sounds like you're in a HOR (High Occupancy Relationship...I just made that up...pat me on the back..thanks). Only 2 people should be in this relationship but you've picked up a hitchhiker along the way. Remember don't be afraid to express honest and rational fears and feelings. And I can't stress the importance of being able to walk away if it continues to your dissatisfaction. Best of luck!

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Samhain Established Member

Samhain

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Absolutely wrong, in my opinion. It is hurting you and you need to address it. They weren't married, they have no children, there really is no reason for him to still be so attached to her. It isn't his job to be her plumber or electrician or her go-to guy at all.

 

If he's still so invested in an ex then he has little availability to become more attached to you.

 

Tell him how it's making you feel and give him the ultimatum. You wouldn't be out of line.

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Yookie Established Member

Yookie

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His relationship with that lady is NOT over yet. I can tell you from experience that it can take much longer than 6 months to get over a 5 year relationship. If they are talking everyday to the point where he is going over to fix things in her home, then they are on the road to reconciliation even if they both are in denial about it.

 

Give him space to get it resolved. Protect your heart in the meantime and don't waste your time waiting for him to get it together. He was unreliable from the beginning so what makes you think he will suddenly become better at being a considerate person? He wont.

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DrReplyInRhymes Established Member

DrReplyInRhymes

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I'd be very careful, but who are we to judge someones emotional health?

Could they have a very platonic friendship, one which will never see a shelf?

Could he have nothing but kind words for someone who held such a place in his past?

Is he being transparent about how he feels about her, reassuring that it's passed?

 

'I'd be very careful if I were you' - the cynic within me would yell,

"He's being very open and careful' - the romantic within me would tell,

So if you feel you can trust him, and you're willing to forgo the distrust,

Then you must do so completely, for if you wish this to work, this is a must.

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Lottie86 Member

Lottie86

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Posted (edited)

Thanks for all your replies. Just to clarify they don't have any children together. I'm not sure if they still speak every day, he said that when they first broke up they did though.

 

She's seeing someone else although I don't know how serious that is.

 

Obviously they still care about each other which of course I understand and I know obviously that they have 5 years of history together. To be honest I've never been one to remain friendly with an ex (certainly not to that degree anyway) and I know I have my own issues with jealously and overreacting to stuff that I shouldn't which is why I wanted to get other people's advise.

 

We did talk yesterday about it. I basically told him I was concerned he wasn't over her and that is when he told me that he still cares for her but it's over and there's no going back for them which made me feel better but then today with the jumper and the phone call and him saying he was grateful for their time made me question it again.

 

He also said that he made mistakes in that relationship. Didn't integrate her into his friendship groups in the 5 years they were together and he treated her poorly at times which he regrets. He said that part of keeping in touch with her is for her to see he wasn't and isn't a bad guy and that she wasn't wrong to spend 5 years with him. Their breaking up was a mutual decision.

 

I don't want to keep bringing it up because we're not official, we're dating or seeing each other but it's not exclusive (it's been a month)

 

I've known him for more than ten years since we were at college together so I know he's a decent guy who is opposed to cheating so I'm not worried about that. I guess I'm trying to protect myself from going further into something with him when / if he is still harbouring feelings for her.

 

What shall I do? Talk to him again and risk pushing him away or him thinking I am insecure and jealous? Pull back from him and see what happens? Or walk away now? I don't want to give him an ultimatum, at least not yet anyway.

 

I really like this guy

Edited by Lottie86
katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
Posted (edited)
Thanks for all your replies. Just to clarify they don't have any children together. I'm not sure if they still speak every day, he said that when they first broke up they did though.

 

She's seeing someone else although I don't know how serious that is.

 

Obviously they still care about each other which of course I understand and I know obviously that they have 5 years of history together. To be honest I've never been one to remain friendly with an ex (certainly not to that degree anyway) and I know I have my own issues with jealously and overreacting to stuff that I shouldn't which is why I wanted to get other people's advise.

 

We did talk yesterday about it. I basically told him I was concerned he wasn't over her and that is when he told me that he still cares for her but it's over and there's no going back for them which made me feel better but then today with the jumper and the phone call and him saying he was grateful for their time made me question it again.

 

He also said that he made mistakes in that relationship. Didn't integrate her into his friendship groups in the 5 years they were together and he treated her poorly at times which he regrets. He said that part of keeping in touch with her is for her to see he wasn't and isn't a bad guy and that she wasn't wrong to spend 5 years with him. Their breaking up was a mutual decision.

 

I don't want to keep bringing it up because we're not official, we're dating or seeing each other but it's not exclusive (it's been a month)

 

I've known him for more than ten years since we were at college together so I know he's a decent guy who is opposed to cheating so I'm not worried about that. I guess I'm trying to protect myself from going further into something with him when / if he is still harbouring feelings for her.

 

What shall I do? Talk to him again and risk pushing him away or him thinking I am insecure and jealous? Pull back from him and see what happens? Or walk away now? I don't want to give him an ultimatum, at least not yet anyway.

 

I really like this guy

 

Well I have SIX years history with my current boyfriend, to whom I was engaged until recently, and also with whom I am planning to break up with after the holidays are over. Long story, see my thread in the transitions section.

 

I still care about him A LOT.... but I can tell you with certainty that once it ends..... I will NOT be communicating with him further.

 

How can they move on if they are still communicating with each other....and worse, actually spending time together?

 

There is only one reason why they are still communicating and spending time together, under the guise he is "helping" her.

 

They are NOT over each other, and actually have no desire to move on.... which IMO is quite insulting to YOU. Don't care what he tells you...words mean jack shyt.... it's his actions you need to pay attention to.

 

IMO, you don't have a say in how he chooses to behave.... but you certainly DO have a say in how you respond to such behavior.

 

If it were me.... I would not be sticking around watching him communicating with her every day..... going over to her house....etc.

 

No freakin way... I respect myself too much for that... I need to be with a man who is devoted to ME..... all the ex's need to be OUT of the picture...or there is no future for us.

Edited by katiegrl
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