mg4514 Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 I have two questions? Was I being tossed breadcrumbs? Was my reaction appropriate (or did I violate NC)? Brief history: My ex and I are both 44 years old. She has two children, and I have one. We were together for 5 years. She decided to end the relationship three months ago (Sept 2015). I was completely devastated by the loss. I decided at that moment to go COMPLETELY no-contact. 1. Three days before my birthday, my thirteen year old son received a text from her. (She was good to my son over the years-but not particularly close to him). She told him what was happening in her life, and her kids' lives...and reminded him by birthday was in a couple days. 2. On my birthday, at 7:55am (she knows my schedule) I received a text wishing me a happy birthday, well wishes that I would be doing something fun that day, and she said she thought about me when she passed a local restaraunt. 3. On Thanksgiving morning, my son received another text from her. More of the same, basically telling him what has been happening, and asking his advice on some sporting goods. Here it comes: I allowed the Thanksgiving weekend to pass. On Monday afternoon I called my ex. Very politely, I told her that I was aware that she reached out to my son two times. I told her, while he was genuinely excited to hear from her, I did not think it was a good idea for her to continue to reach out to him. If she had anything of substance to say, she should reach out to me directly. She responded initially by wanting to tell me what had been happening in her life, and after a brief, polite, interruption...she responded by saying she would like to talk more about this...(um, like what else is there to discuss...it's my son....but I did not say this). Later that evening, precisely when she got off work, she called. She said she respected my decision, and began to sob lightly. The entire call lasted about one minute. (I thought she wanted to "discuss" this). So, here are my questions: 1) WHAT was that??? Breadcrumbs? 2) Did I violate NC? (I'm ashamed because I was strong, and was faithful to the NC rule-but truth be told, her texts to my son were making me weak--I honestly feel like that was a selfish move on her part). PLEASE offer your sincere observations and thoughts. I'm anxious to hear all of your opinions.
mightycpa Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 So you left two holes open in NC. Both of you received texts. I hope you have corrected that by now. You probably did the right thing by telling her to not contact your son anymore. Who knows how he's processing the whole thing? Back to no contact, meaning that unless she violates the boy's boundaries again, you simply don't respond. In addition, you put up blocks so that you don't receive her messages, short of a snail-mail letter or a visit. As to WHY she's done that, who knows? Guilt? Loneliness? Birthday-induced nostalgia? The sky's blue? More importantly, who cares? She wanted to tell you what's been happening in HER life. She's not pining away for you, if that's what you're thinking. 1
lolablue17 Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 Yes, she was selfish by messaging directly to you son. She doesn't want you as a partner, but she likes to keep connections, and maybe make you her friend. There's nothing wrong with it, but I understand it doesn't fit you, so you reacted wisely. She won't do it again. You made it clear that she's unwanted as a friend. 1
salem mark Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 I agree with these replies, she ended so if she did want you back she has to make that abundanly clear, this is not the way. she may be lonely , bored and reaching out to feed her own ego, it happened to me and I lost of time dealing playing the exs game 1
Author mg4514 Posted December 16, 2015 Author Posted December 16, 2015 To all of my commenters: a heartfelt and sincerest thank you for taking the time to reply. This is why I joined this site-because the people here care about looking after one another. So again: THANK YOU. To each of you I ask this: what about my response? Did this break NC? More specifically...did this response serve to feed her ego? Did it give her the...validation, that she was able to pull my strings? Yes, I understand the process is about me...I will be ashamed knowing I gave her the response she was looking for, only to serve her own self-centeredness.
salem mark Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 mg there is great advice on this site first time ive been in here in years, maybe we can help each other, no one in my circle is interested in giving me advice reponse was fine go nc again, her reaching out to yur sone was inappropriate, it does feed her ego, she's being cowardly and weak with her communication , do not contact her agin, im talking to you like a caring brother its a selfish move on her part, dont be weak here g 1
mightycpa Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 To all of my commenters: a heartfelt and sincerest thank you for taking the time to reply. This is why I joined this site-because the people here care about looking after one another. So again: THANK YOU. To each of you I ask this: what about my response? Did this break NC? More specifically...did this response serve to feed her ego? Did it give her the...validation, that she was able to pull my strings? Yes, I understand the process is about me...I will be ashamed knowing I gave her the response she was looking for, only to serve her own self-centeredness. Again, your first response was for the boy, I assume. Only you can know your true motives. You seem to have done just fine on that one, although I think your moment of weakness (ie, "breaking" NC) was by accepting the "discussion" call. You didn't need to answer that one. I don't know that you "validated" anything, but I think your first conversation gave her the closure she needed to move on for good. In effect, you've told her to write you off, and I'm thinking she will, which is a good thing. Otherwise, she'd be yanking your chain every now and again. 1
Author mg4514 Posted December 17, 2015 Author Posted December 17, 2015 Mightycpa and Salem, Thanks man. I really needed that. I'm very open to criticisms, and the more direct or "right between the eyes" -the better it is. cpa--I hadn't even thought of that, so thank you. You are 100% correct-my thought was for my son, though it was having an effect on me as well, and here's the part I hadn't thought of...I didn't have to accept that second call. Looking back, I wish now that I hadn't. Though your words made me feel better in the sense I didn't give her the satisfaction, or the "power" to pull my strings anymore-and I hope now she knows I won't be her back-burner pal. Im convinced her light, or forced sobs, were designed to illicit a sympathy response, and it was empowering that I didn't let it affect me. cpa-you really have your "stuff" together on this business. One day I hope my strength pours through as yours does. Though we're strangers...you've been a friend.
Author mg4514 Posted December 19, 2015 Author Posted December 19, 2015 Shameless self bump here in hopes I'll hear from TaraMaiden or Sandylee...both offer tremendous insight. Please find this thread!!!
Scarlett.O'hara Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 So, here are my questions: 1) WHAT was that??? Breadcrumbs? It certainly sounds she was trying to get to you through your son. 2) Did I violate NC? (I'm ashamed because I was strong, and was faithful to the NC rule-but truth be told, her texts to my son were making me weak--I honestly feel like that was a selfish move on her part). Yes, you did break no contact. Firstly by ringing her to tell her not to message your son anymore (understandable) but you also let it continue.. she responded by saying she would like to talk more about this...(um, like what else is there to discuss...it's my son....but I did not say this). If no contact is important to you then you should have said no to further discussions and cut it off right there. You also left the door open for her to keep in contact by saying that If she had anything of substance to say, she should reach out to me directly. You need to decide how you will handle it if she does.
Author mg4514 Posted December 19, 2015 Author Posted December 19, 2015 Scarlett-thank you for taking the time. When you're right-you're right. On all counts actually - I didn't realize what I said when I said it...you know the part about substance. I been beating myself up over breaking NC - I had made it 10 weeks time that point, but since then I'm on a two week NC streak again. So I guess there's hope. Right?
Marc878 Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 Yep it was breadcrumbs. Every girl wants, needs a solid plan B guy. Now block her on everything. She wanted you to move on and you did. Her turn. Ahem, I'm a CPA too. We rock!!!!!!! 1
Author mg4514 Posted December 19, 2015 Author Posted December 19, 2015 Marc, That's very humbling isn't it? (To admit that you're the Plan B guy). When you put it in to those terms it really takes you down a peg....but you're absolutely correct, and I struggle to frame it for exactly what it is. That's what I like about this group. The folks here give it to you straight. Thank you Marc.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 Scarlett-thank you for taking the time. When you're right-you're right. On all counts actually - I didn't realize what I said when I said it...you know the part about substance. I been beating myself up over breaking NC - I had made it 10 weeks time that point, but since then I'm on a two week NC streak again. So I guess there's hope. Right? Of course! You hold the power over how you choose to deal with your ex. If you feel no contact is helpful then you do whatever is necessary to maintain that. If that means you have to block her number and ignore any further attention seeking behavior, then do it. Don't be too hard on yourself. You handled the situation the best way that you could in the circumstances. Not falling for her tears is something you should take as a positive out of it. At least she no longer has that power over your emotions. I really just wanted to warn you about the possibility that she might have interpreted what you said as an open invitation to contact you again, and to consider how you will address that issue if it arises. In time it will get easier.
Author mg4514 Posted December 19, 2015 Author Posted December 19, 2015 Scarlett-- if you're still there, I'd like to ask you another question...getting off topic slightly. I've heard all the excellent input from others who were kind enough to respond (see Marc's post about being the "Plan B" guy)--- with that, is it unusual to feel betrayed? Betrayed not unlike someone who has cheated on you?
Scarlett.O'hara Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 I just want to start by saying that it is a broad generalization to say all women want or need a “Plan B” guy because that is simply not the case. However, when an ex contacts you without good reason (ie: wanting to reconcile) then you are right to be wary of their motives, especially if you still have feelings for them. No, I don’t think it is unusual to feel betrayed. When you love someone deeply and they end it for whatever reason, it feels like a complete betrayal of the love you shared. Every promise and declaration of love feels like a lie because they walked away like it meant nothing. In the event that they resume contact with you to gain some sort of validation while they are looking for someone else to replace you, then it is perfectly understandable why that would make you feel used and even more betrayed (like being cheated on). I can’t be sure what her motives are. Yes, it is possible she is looking for validation or comfort until she meets someone else. She may also be interested in friendship, which quite frankly, can be just as hurtful when you still have feelings for her. In that case no contact is the most sensible option. How you are feeling right now is perfectly understandable given the situation. 1
Chronotrgr Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 I've been subject to this myself, just little bits here and there but nothing concrete or of any relevance, she doesn't message my son but she wants her son to still spend time with my son, to the point where she feels entitled to it, she still spends time with my family members so her son can play with my cousins, the whole thing makes me feel very much the same as you, weak. I haven't broken no contact to put her straight but feel at this point if she doesn't back off from my family (as she should) then I will have to break no contact and make it clear that I am very uncomfortable with this arrangement and my son will also be spending no further time with her son, my family are genuinely too nice to turn people away, even in this kind of situation. You did what you had to do, you should be feeling no guilt, no remorse, nothing, it's just one of those times in life where someone doesn't have the common sense to see the fault in their actions and you need to step in and get em told, go back to no contact and pretend it didn't happen, it doesn't count.
mightycpa Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 (edited) Yep it was breadcrumbs. Every girl wants, needs a solid plan B guy. Now block her on everything. She wanted you to move on and you did. Her turn. Ahem, I'm a CPA too. We rock!!!!!!!What is that? A Jaguar XK8? I drive a Mercedes SLK350! I think that feeling betrayed is pretty normal, even if you intellectually understand you weren't betrayed. When you're both in love, the first assumption is that love will last forever, that you've "found" the one you're supposed to be with. Of course, most times, it doesn't last. That's how rare true love is. Edited December 20, 2015 by mightycpa 1
Marc878 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 What is that? A Jaguar XK8? I drive a Mercedes SLK350! I think that feeling betrayed is pretty normal, even if you intellectually understand you weren't betrayed. When you're both in love, the first assumption is that love will last forever, that you've "found" the one you're supposed to be with. Of course, most times, it doesn't last. That's how rare true love is. Yep, XK8. I do have 5 tickets to go along with it though. Lawyer loves me!
Marc878 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 Marc, That's very humbling isn't it? (To admit that you're the Plan B guy). When you put it in to those terms it really takes you down a peg....but you're absolutely correct, and I struggle to frame it for exactly what it is. That's what I like about this group. The folks here give it to you straight. Thank you Marc. Her planB only if you submit. Plan A for another woman. There are better out there. Sounds like your X found out the grass wasn't as greener as she thought. She was OM's plan B. Too funny!!!!! 1
Simon Phoenix Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 I've been subject to this myself, just little bits here and there but nothing concrete or of any relevance, she doesn't message my son but she wants her son to still spend time with my son, to the point where she feels entitled to it, she still spends time with my family members so her son can play with my cousins, the whole thing makes me feel very much the same as you, weak. I haven't broken no contact to put her straight but feel at this point if she doesn't back off from my family (as she should) then I will have to break no contact and make it clear that I am very uncomfortable with this arrangement and my son will also be spending no further time with her son, my family are genuinely too nice to turn people away, even in this kind of situation. You did what you had to do, you should be feeling no guilt, no remorse, nothing, it's just one of those times in life where someone doesn't have the common sense to see the fault in their actions and you need to step in and get em told, go back to no contact and pretend it didn't happen, it doesn't count. Have you talked to your family about this? I'd do that first.
Recommended Posts