soph-walker Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 Hello I am due to meet up with a guy tonight who I have met online, in a bar for a quick drink. The background is, we have spoken on and off since April this year, we used to message on Facebook (I ended up blocking him as I was fed up of talking to guys online). I recently joined tinder (again) and we both swiped right, he quizzed me on why I had 'obviously' blocked him on Facebook, I made out I had deactivated my profile. He then arranged tonight's date. I suffer from anxiety (mostly when meeting guys on a date!) and I am thinking this will come up in conversation and it will be awkward to talk about, does anyone have any thoughts on what to do? I'm not able to talk about this with friends, they are all in long term relationships and tend to glaze over if I talk about online dating :-( In addition, I have also been made redundant 2 weeks ago- should I tell him this or make out I still work? I don't want it to be a negative date and would like to keep it light hearted! Any help, however honest, would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in anticipation xx
carhill Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 So the white lie was the FB account deactivation story when it was really a block? Eh, leave the social media stuff off to the side. IMO, if you're too anxious to date, don't date. If you do date, focus on the date, the activity, the person and enjoying yourself. Stay away from serious subjects, in general, like physical or emotional maladies, job reversals, credit card debt, your dog dying, etc, etc. Focus on the other person and sharing positive moments from your life which uplift you and which another person can expand upon and explore. If the guy was annoying enough to block at one time, OK, he was. Apparently you've changed your mind. See how it goes. Focus on the now.
d0nnivain Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 Everybody is nervous before a date with a new person. Stop making it worse then it is by giving it a really negative label. Just do some good self talk -- it will be fun; etc. Picture it going well in your head. I also prepare for a date. I review light-hearted topics of conversation & craft good Qs in my head, as well as pithy answer if I am asked similar Qs. I review current events too in order to have something to talk about. If he brings up the social media thing, be honest because your lack of honesty got you into this pickle. Just say you thought he was going to be one of those guys who only wanted to chat OL so you blocked him. Since you were obviously wrong about his intentions, apologize & move on. I don't know what you mean about being made redundant but you are right, a 1st date is not the place for negativity so keep that to yourself. 2
Author soph-walker Posted December 16, 2015 Author Posted December 16, 2015 So the white lie was the FB account deactivation story when it was really a block? Eh, leave the social media stuff off to the side. IMO, if you're too anxious to date, don't date. If you do date, focus on the date, the activity, the person and enjoying yourself. Stay away from serious subjects, in general, like physical or emotional maladies, job reversals, credit card debt, your dog dying, etc, etc. Focus on the other person and sharing positive moments from your life which uplift you and which another person can expand upon and explore. If the guy was annoying enough to block at one time, OK, he was. Apparently you've changed your mind. See how it goes. Focus on the now. Thanks for your reply, the white lie would be the 'deactivation'- I blocked him because our messaging seemed to get nowhere and fizzled out and I didn't really want to hear from him again after that, but then I thought how ridiculous it was so unblocked him. In terms of my redundancy, I'm anticipating is both briefly talking about work, as has been a normal topic from previous dating experience, I just don't want to fib that I'm currently redundant and at the same time I don't want to be raising heavy issues on a first meet- he has a very demanding job and clearly has a work ethic (farmer). I will be meeting him knowing I feel anxious about it all, but am so tired of anxiety about future situations holding me back all the time, hence why I agreed to see him. Gah!
Author soph-walker Posted December 16, 2015 Author Posted December 16, 2015 Everybody is nervous before a date with a new person. Stop making it worse then it is by giving it a really negative label. Just do some good self talk -- it will be fun; etc. Picture it going well in your head. I also prepare for a date. I review light-hearted topics of conversation & craft good Qs in my head, as well as pithy answer if I am asked similar Qs. I review current events too in order to have something to talk about. If he brings up the social media thing, be honest because your lack of honesty got you into this pickle. Just say you thought he was going to be one of those guys who only wanted to chat OL so you blocked him. Since you were obviously wrong about his intentions, apologize & move on. I don't know what you mean about being made redundant but you are right, a 1st date is not the place for negativity so keep that to yourself. Thank you for your suggestions on q&a, that's a great idea, I'll think of it as something similar to interview prep:) 1
pteromom Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 First of all, you need to know what a white lie is. A white lie is a lie that has NO negative consequences. "Yes, that haircut looks great." "No, your butt doesn't look big." "Your kids are so adorable!" "cough, cough...I am feeling a little sick this morning, so I won't be in." Lying about your interactions with someone are simply lies. They aren't "white lies". If you were to end up in a serious relationship with this guy, and he found out "the truth", it would affect his ability to trust you. So you need to be honest with him. I like the way d0nnivan framed it. Put all the "blame" for what you did on yourself and just be truthful. Honestly, nearly EVERYONE has anxiety about dating. There is nothing wrong with you - you are just human. No need to apologize for that or feel badly about it. 1
Author soph-walker Posted December 16, 2015 Author Posted December 16, 2015 First of all, you need to know what a white lie is. A white lie is a lie that has NO negative consequences. "Yes, that haircut looks great." "No, your butt doesn't look big." "Your kids are so adorable!" "cough, cough...I am feeling a little sick this morning, so I won't be in." Lying about your interactions with someone are simply lies. They aren't "white lies". If you were to end up in a serious relationship with this guy, and he found out "the truth", it would affect his ability to trust you. So you need to be honest with him. I like the way d0nnivan framed it. Put all the "blame" for what you did on yourself and just be truthful. Honestly, nearly EVERYONE has anxiety about dating. There is nothing wrong with you - you are just human. No need to apologize for that or feel badly about it. If he doesn't bring it up, do you think it's best if I just don't mention it altogether? I know in the general scheme of life it's insignificant but sometimes these things can affect an opinion of someone you meet. Thanks for reassuring me re the anxiety, it's not something that's easily spoken about with my friends and family, it helps knowing I'm not the only one- as ridiculous as that thought may be. Still a taboo(ish) subject in my social circles.
Robratory Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 The background is, we have spoken on and off since April this year, we used to message on Facebook (I ended up blocking him as I was fed up of talking to guys online). I recently joined tinder (again) and we both swiped right, he quizzed me on why I had 'obviously' blocked him on Facebook, I made out I had deactivated my profile. He then arranged tonight's date. In addition, I have also been made redundant 2 weeks ago- should I tell him this or make out I still work? I don't want it to be a negative date and would like to keep it light hearted! You can tell him you deactivated your profile or blocked everybody because you were tired of talking to guys online. You can follow that up with, "I guess I forgot about the one nice guy, so I'm glad we met up again." That should make his day. As for being out of work, you can talk about the work you do without telling him that you are temporarily out of work. Tell him after a few dates, assuming you haven't yet found employment.
Robratory Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 If he doesn't bring it up, do you think it's best if I just don't mention it altogether? Yes, just don't mention it altogether. He's probably just happy that he connected with you again, too happy to ask too many questions about what happened.
Robratory Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 I don't know what you mean about being made redundant I believe that's British English for being laid-off.
Author soph-walker Posted December 16, 2015 Author Posted December 16, 2015 Yes, just don't mention it altogether. He's probably just happy that he connected with you again, too happy to ask too many questions about what happened. Thanks for your advice, you speak wisely :-) Since we have been in touch again, he has been very short and 'to the point' with his messages, instead of previously asking me how I am etc. When he asked why he'd been blocked, it read as though he was offended and he also asked why I had swiped him on Tinder if I'd blocked him. I'm wondering if he's coming across as 'short' because he's peeved with the situation. I guess I shall play it by ear anywho. 1
Robratory Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 Thanks for your advice, you speak wisely :-) Since we have been in touch again, he has been very short and 'to the point' with his messages, instead of previously asking me how I am etc. When he asked why he'd been blocked, it read as though he was offended and he also asked why I had swiped him on Tinder if I'd blocked him. I'm wondering if he's coming across as 'short' because he's peeved with the situation. I guess I shall play it by ear anywho. Men don't usually get offended by rejection. We get hurt, and just like dogs, unless you have horribly abused us, the slightest "Come here, boy!" has us running back, our tails a-wagging, and ready to forgive anything. Someone else suggested telling him the truth if he knows you blocked him personally (as opposed to blocking everyone). He was chatting you up and never suggesting you meet, so you figured he was just playing games. And again, tell him that you're glad you are finally meeting. If he doesn't stop sulking real fast, you're probably better cutting your losses. Who knows what the deal is with him. 1
Author soph-walker Posted December 16, 2015 Author Posted December 16, 2015 Men don't usually get offended by rejection. We get hurt, and just like dogs, unless you have horribly abused us, the slightest "Come here, boy!" has us running back, our tails a-wagging, and ready to forgive anything. Someone else suggested telling him the truth if he knows you blocked him personally (as opposed to blocking everyone). He was chatting you up and never suggesting you meet, so you figured he was just playing games. And again, tell him that you're glad you are finally meeting. If he doesn't stop sulking real fast, you're probably better cutting your losses. Who knows what the deal is with him. Thanks again :-) I think him and I should have met up months and months ago when we first started chatting, we're probably setting ourselves up for a fall as there will surely be so much expectation now. Ah well, fingers crossed:laugh:
thecrucible Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 I believe that's British English for being laid-off. I had no idea being made redundant was a British term. I'm English and didn't realise this. I learn all my Americanisms from the TV. To OP, I think Donnivain had great advice. If faced with a difficult question, the best way to respond is to act like it's not a big deal, explain that it's nothing personal and just a phase you were going through and that sort of thing. This is how I would choose to respond. Also you don't have to bring up the job but if the question gets act, just answer positively. I don't see this as a white lie - you are telling the truth but in a subtle way. I also have anxiety so I know how you are feeling. Just take it one step at a time. And don't label yourself as this anxious person even though it affects you. Put yourself in a positive frame of mind.
Redfisher Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 If your anxiety is bad and effects your life you should be up front about it... My girlfriend suffers from this and told me before our first date, I listened and I decided it was not enough to turn me away... And we are going strong and in love. And part of that was she was so open and honest about it... 1
Author soph-walker Posted December 17, 2015 Author Posted December 17, 2015 So, by way of update re my anxiety, we had the date and it went well, conversation flowed, he was a little touchy-feely and to end the date he walked me to my car, I said it was great to have finally met and he said something similar and then he joked and said 'you're a serial dater, I'm not sure what else there's not much more I can say' and kind of chuckled! Talk about a curveball, there was me thinking the date had gone well and he may ask for my phone number!
Author soph-walker Posted December 18, 2015 Author Posted December 18, 2015 Ok, he texted and said he only meant that I have many more options than to be a serial dater...does anyone know what this is code for?!
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