last steps in healing

[katielee]

I stand by my original post. Because I would leave in a heartbeat if he had this need. People are different. I'll never agree with the naysayers, most likely, So be it. We just talked and he says he is totally responsible for his actions, no matter who did what.

If it becomes to tortuous to stay here I'll leave.

I do not go on and on in this marriage, he would be the first to tell you that. He struggles with some of the exact same things as me, which we talked about after his IC appt today...

[MuddyFootprints]

Talking is good. Keep it up!

[xxoo]

We just talked and he says he is totally responsible for his actions, no matter who did what. .

 

As he should. I'd be very concerned if he thought you were responsible for his choices.

 

It's not about what he thinks. It's about what you think, to recover from your anger. It's about tapping into empathy in order to release the anger.

[Brandyundercover45]

Ugh. One of those IC appts where I just wanna scream. Hubby's Love language is words of affirmation. The best thing he could hear from me is how proud I am of him doing his job and how it has made such a big difference in our financial situation and has brought us many opportunities. Thing is, I hate his job, but only that particular job, because that's how he meets people/them. I AM proud of him (and I do tell him he's a financial genius!) but I can't/won't say it about this job because I'm fearful that he'll think everything is ok. but I am holding out on giving him praise for it. IC keeps asking me what my payoff is? I keep telling her then he'll think all is forgiven and I have both feet in. She said what if you do that? And I said then I might get hurt again. Of course, this is not logical, I deserve (and he deserves) a spouse with both feet in. But I just. can't. do. it. She even said she admires him for staying the course, keeping his job, moving forward and I wanted to scream.

 

I've forgiven him for the affairs. I have NOT forgiven him for not moving when he knows how I feel, even though to stay here means I am financially secure. And emotionally secure too. He could cheat anywhere. But if the affairs make us even (Jeez) then I'm still sacrificing, I feel. she kept saying the "do you wanna be right or be happy" crap. Why do ppl say that? However, not having both feet in is keeping me from true happiness.

Again, this is a power struggle. I am getting to the bottom of it and need to write more...

 

I want to lay on a beach for about 3 days. Drunk.

Katielee I had to read some of your posts to see what makes you tick, why you're so bitter. I see now that you are BS and a WS. But what I honestly don't get is why bother to stay in a marriage when you really haven't forgiven your husband? You're really not "all-in". Seems to me you would either go head and forgive him - for real, or go ahead and divorce him. You're living in a limbo that's not healthy for you and making you, again, bitter. What good is having financial security if you can't trust your husband? (yes, says the woman who cheated on her husband) I would never stay in a relationship strictly for security. I have read over and over on here people saying they can't afford to leave. Those are excuses. I was in a relationship once, and while there was no cheating on either side (that I know of), he was very controlling and borderline abusive in that he would dangle things in front of me to manipulate me. I was younger and he was almost twice my age. But he had it twisted, I'm not that girl. I left him, and his money, and moved in with a friend with two kids in tow. I left the 4 bedroom house, the cars, the bank account and never looked back. And never once regretted it. No way I'm letting someone hold money and things over my head to make me dance to their tune. Nothing is worth my self respect and peace of mind. So again I say to you - either forgive him or leave him. It's not difficult you are just making it difficult. You don't need a therapist, you need to make a decision and stick to it. I'm sure you'll disagree with everything I just said, but oh well. I said it.

[xxoo]

katielee, you cheated for a reason. That reason still exists. This is why you're stuck and can't accept. Cheating was not the way to deal with that reason; it actually made it much worse.

 

When and how are you going to deal with the original marital issue?

[katielee]

xxoo - thank you for your constructive question.

 

I think I mentioned before that me having an affair was the only thing in our marriage hubby didn't decide. There was a power struggle between us.

It might have also been a "would you please pay attention to me" thing, and validation as I was nearing middle age.

No idea why I need this validation. Again, I wish my IC would work with me on FOO issues.

[xxoo]

The good news is that power struggles are really easy to stop, and it's fully in your control. Just stop. He can't have a power struggle without your participation. Think how powerful just that realization is!

 

Consensual problem solving is an attitude shift. Each person is free to say "no" to a solution, but the attitude is that there are an infinite number of solutions and you just need to keep brainstorming together until you find one that works for both of you.

 

The affair aftermath is not the topic on which to practice this. Practice with small stuff, like the visitors to the guest house and purchases.

 

When my H and I make decisions, often neither of us gets our original choice, but we both end up thinking the final choice is superior to our original choices, and it supports us feeling stronger as a team than apart.

[katielee]

The good news is that power struggles are really easy to stop, and it's fully in your control. Just stop. He can't have a power struggle without your participation. Think how powerful just that realization is!

 

Consensual problem solving is an attitude shift. Each person is free to say "no" to a solution, but the attitude is that there are an infinite number of solutions and you just need to keep brainstorming together until you find one that works for both of you.

 

The affair aftermath is not the topic on which to practice this. Practice with small stuff, like the visitors to the guest house and purchases.

 

When my H and I make decisions, often neither of us gets our original choice, but we both end up thinking the final choice is superior to our original choices, and it supports us feeling stronger as a team than apart.

 

ok but there really was no struggle.. he made every decision. the struggle was that I wanted to be part of decisions and make some of my own.... I'm not even sure he realized it was happening. And I should have spoken up. Meanwhile, resentment brewed. So now I speak up.

 

Yes, we now do this pretty well... so I'm not sure what the issue is.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Merry Christmas katielee...hope it is a wonderful day for you and your family

[xxoo]

xxoo - thank you for your constructive question.

 

I think I mentioned before that me having an affair was the only thing in our marriage hubby didn't decide. There was a power struggle between us.

It might have also been a "would you please pay attention to me" thing, and validation as I was nearing middle age.

No idea why I need this validation. Again, I wish my IC would work with me on FOO issues.

 

Ok, so the power struggle was your issue, and it's better now.

 

Was he really not paying attention to you?

[Mr Blunt]

Katie

From your own posts below this is what I see:

 

 

Katie feels like she's done her part (and perhaps she has) and he's not doing his.

 

 

we're doing fine" but part (most) of me is like- no. I've effing done enough. I did one, he did two. I'm done trying to accept anything else

I understand one affair. but not two.

my sense of justice is offended I think

Can I accept the status quo? Well I guess I have so far. But I'm pissed about it.

 

Katie

You feel that your sense of JUSTICE has been offended and feel that you have been shyt on! You are pissed and angry and have not fully forgiven your husband because you feel that he has not done his part.

With your own words you have identified at least two of the main issues that you have. Now that you have identified two issues it is up to you to get yourself better.

 

 

I can tell you what I have experienced. I found out that JUSTICE is not the criteria for forgiveness. A main ingredient in forgiveness is GRACE—a gift, which is giving someone what they do not deserve! You will have to make the first decision then you will have to get stronger in mind, body, spirit, and emotions to be able to give grace because giving grace is not natural for mankind.

 

 

That is what I meant by you getting stronger so that you can give MORE. You can only change you but cannot change your husband.

 

 

You have over 200 posts on this thread, you have had professional IC-MC, and now you have identified at least two major issues in your situation. You now have enough information for you to take some actions and change your attitude so that you get better. You seem like a resourceful woman so I think that you can get the help that you need so that you can do your part so that YOU get better.

[katielee]

Ok, so the power struggle was your issue, and it's better now.

 

Was he really not paying attention to you?

 

yes it was my issue.

 

 

he was paying attention to taking care of the family, which I realize now. He did have some habits that needed attention (for instance, he would take 3 hours to eat while reading the paper at night) so i was pretty much ignored. I'm sure it was decompressing from his job earning a living for us. But he doesn't do that anymore. And I never said anything - I let the resentment grown. I'm sure if I had he would have looked at that.

[katielee]

Katie

From your own posts below this is what I see:

 

 

 

 

Katie

You feel that your sense of JUSTICE has been offended and feel that you have been shyt on! You are pissed and angry and have not fully forgiven your husband because you feel that he has not done his part.

With your own words you have identified at least two of the main issues that you have. Now that you have identified two issues it is up to you to get yourself better.

 

 

I can tell you what I have experienced. I found out that JUSTICE is not the criteria for forgiveness. A main ingredient in forgiveness is GRACE—a gift, which is giving someone what they do not deserve! You will have to make the first decision then you will have to get stronger in mind, body, spirit, and emotions to be able to give grace because giving grace is not natural for mankind.

 

 

That is what I meant by you getting stronger so that you can give MORE. You can only change you but cannot change your husband.

 

 

You have over 200 posts on this thread, you have had professional IC-MC, and now you have identified at least two major issues in your situation. You now have enough information for you to take some actions and change your attitude so that you get better. You seem like a resourceful woman so I think that you can get the help that you need so that you can do your part so that YOU get better.

 

at times, many times, I experience this grace. Some days, I do not.. But I can tell you the days I extend this grace are getting more and more. The days I thought "there is no way this will work" I haven't had in forever. The days where i think, "its a good thing you make a ***** ton of money, have big d!ck and are the father of my kids or i would be gone" - that hasn't happened in forever... the things we have both done SINCE affairs has made that go away. And I'm talking about being transparent, honesty, compassion, moving forward with real life permanent plans - like the lake - those things are proving to tip the scales. I suppose those are amends. and those help too.

We had this conversation two nights ago - that the scale sometime is 90-10 happiness to sadness. othertimes its 55-45. We both feel like this.

I don't know how to simply make a decision so that grace rules my life every single moment of every day though.

[katielee]

Merry Christmas katielee...hope it is a wonderful day for you and your family

 

Merry Christmas Mr and Mrs. JA and family!!

 

I'm sorry!!

[xxoo]

yes it was my issue.

 

 

he was paying attention to taking care of the family, which I realize now. He did have some habits that needed attention (for instance, he would take 3 hours to eat while reading the paper at night) so i was pretty much ignored. I'm sure it was decompressing from his job earning a living for us. But he doesn't do that anymore. And I never said anything - I let the resentment grown. I'm sure if I had he would have looked at that.

 

So when you think about injustice, do you factor in how unjust your one affair was?

[katielee]

So when you think about injustice, do you factor in how unjust your one affair was?

 

Yes. Very unjust.

[xxoo]

Yes. Very unjust.

 

So how is your sense of justice offended?

[katielee]

So how is your sense of justice offended?

 

because if he "paid me back" with two affairs... and I think we're considered equal now?

But staying here seems unjust. I would never expect him to stay in a town where he occasionally runs into a guy he saw me making out with. IT's too much.

[katielee]

Really in any relationship communicating needs or wants is necessary. If you need something it's up to you to convey what your wishes/needs are. Then it's up to him to decide if he plans to fulfill that want/need that you've expressed.

 

Mercy plays a significant part in healing.

 

yep, I understand the first part now...

and mercy and grace sure do.

[xxoo]

because if he "paid me back" with two affairs... and I think we're considered equal now?

But staying here seems unjust. I would never expect him to stay in a town where he occasionally runs into a guy he saw me making out with. IT's too much.

 

He would never expect you to make him sacrifice his career, after suddenly falling out of love and cheating on him when he'd done nothing wrong.

 

You'll never be equal. He never fell out of love with and cheated on you while you were being a devoted, loyal wife. You don't get it.

[katielee]

You don't get it. You expect me to just accept everything because I cheated first. It doesn't make sense. I've forgiven two affairs. No more. Done.

[Whoknew30]

You don't get it. You expect me to just accept everything because I cheated first. It doesn't make sense. I've forgiven two affairs. No more. Done.

 

I don't think anyone is saying to just except the actual A's or that your H wasn't ever in control of his actions. I can't speak for everyone (just me) I'm saying that when one does have an A you should be prepared for your consequence. Some BS do things that aren't justfied or right either but that's how your husband choose to handle it. 2 wrongs don't make a right but in your case, wrong or right that was your particular consequence. In lamaence terms, you shot the first shot that caused the war. You can say maybe he would of done it even if you didn't cheat but the reality is, you did & it set a chain events. You can't maybe, should have, would have. One has to stick with the facts.

 

Now, I think most giving you advice are reading what you write as you are some poor victim BS, without true understanding you were a huge part in creating this problem for your own marriage. Once again, no matter how sorry you are, you can't take back what you did either...& I'm thinking people are wondering when you're going to get to the point that you understand that you both had A. You accepted it at what point do you really move on & start new. You've said he's trying but it doesn't seem good enough for you.

 

You're not the typical BS, you're A was first, yet you seem to want to be looked at as just a bs & the reality is, you're not. I get it, I was a WS too but I seem to except that a bit more than yourself.

 

I'm just trying to get you to understand why people seem frustrated when giving you advice.

[ladydesigner]

Miss katielee I hope you are well today! Wishing you a Happy Holiday!

 

You feel what you feel no matter what any poster here says I get it. The part that bothers me about your sitch is the same thing that bothers me about mine is that they either had another A or continued the A after discovery (as in my case). Now THAT is a hard pill to swallow. One I may end up throwing back up

 

Take good care xo

[xxoo]

You don't get it. You expect me to just accept everything because I cheated first. It doesn't make sense. I've forgiven two affairs. No more. Done.

 

You are talking order and number of affairs. I'm talking about loyalty in the marriage.

 

There is no presumption of monogamy without mutual loyalty. You had a loyal marriage and husband, and you trashed loyalty. You threw it in the garbage, essentially deciding that loyalty was not a part of your marriage.

 

What do you expect to happen when you throw loyalty out of a marriage? You certainly can't expect loyalty from your spouse.

 

How is loyalty restored? Certainly not by more affairs. His affairs didn't make the marriage suddenly loyal again.

 

So until loyalty was restored, the marriage was in the "non loyal" mode that you had instated. And that's what you need to accept.