last steps in healing

[xxoo]

 

to answer MrsJA - he is a financial wizard, he is kind and funny, he is handsome, he works out WITH me.. I dont' think a lot of guys do that. He is in good physical shape so we can do things together. This summer we're going to walk around the lake. It's 13 miles. I don't know if many other men would do that with me. We enjoy the same things (mostly, I'm not as big of a football fan) and he is good with me doing my officiating thing on the weekend. Sometimes he even comes and watches me, and if you knew the venue, you'd know it's not a comfortable venue. He's proud of what I bring to the family - monetary wise. He compliments my cooking. We don't have to talk all the time. We can just be.

 

Do you feel good and loved up around him?

 

It's interesting to me that, in listing his positives, you're comparing him to other men

[katielee]

Which one do you think would make him feel like doing even more?

 

If you let him know the things you appreciate he will be more willing to try to do more.

 

Put yourself in his place.. Do you want praise or criticism?

 

he gets praise for these things all the time. And I really do appreciate them!

[katielee]

What was his behavior before the affairs, and did it differ from his behavior during the affairs? And if so, where does his day to day marital behavior fall now?

 

this is a really good question.... behavior before, during and after affairs all similar. Except I would say now, he's maybe slightly more attuned to my Acts of Service need. However, he was always a good husband as far as helping around the house.

So, when therapists say you can have a better marriage after affairs I think it's true for some people. Not for us, as far as the marriage goes. He was not a douche before hand. Neither was I.

[katielee]

Do you feel good and loved up around him?

 

It's interesting to me that, in listing his positives, you're comparing him to other men

 

when weighing staying or going, I'm trying to be realistic. And, I notice a lot of my friends' husbands don't do this. I'm being appreciative of what he does that what I see normal married men don't do, at least from what I see. I think that's a positive.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I know you appreciate him katielee and none of what I am saying is meant to be critical... I just want you to be happy.. And some of me believes you are your own worst enemy. Is there maybe a part of you who keeps you from being happy.. Is there a voice inside that says you don't deserve happiness.. So you make sure you aren't?

 

There is a difference in trying to make things better and sabatoging our own progress.

 

I am a bad person... I had an affair.. I forever have to suffer

 

No... I am a good person who made a terrible choice... And I will forever carry that scar... But I deserve happiness...

 

I find happiness and joy in striving to be the best wife I can possibly be ... I messed up ... I hurt the man I love ... And in making him feel loved and safe... I make me feel loved and safe too. I concentrate on his happiness.... And it makes me happy.

 

Get out of your own head katielee...come on girl...you got this

[katielee]

Is there a voice inside that says you don't deserve happiness.. So you make sure you aren't?

 

 

 

 

possibly. But why? And could we get to it in IC, please... because I want it resolved.

[xxoo]

when weighing staying or going, I'm trying to be realistic. And, I notice a lot of my friends' husbands don't do this. I'm being appreciative of what he does that what I see normal married men don't do, at least from what I see. I think that's a positive.

 

But surely there are positives that are simply things you love about him? Do you feel in love with him, get that rush of pleasure around him?

 

When weighing staying or going, it shouldn't be about another potential husband. It's about you, happier with or without him.

[katielee]

But surely there are positives that are simply things you love about him? Do you feel in love with him, get that rush of pleasure around him?

 

When weighing staying or going, it shouldn't be about another potential husband. It's about you, happier with or without him.

 

yes!!! I feel in love with him...

[xxoo]

yes!!! I feel in love with him...

 

Ok! That's huge and special. That's an amazing feeling to have after decades together. Lucky you!

 

Appreciate that.

 

Did you feel in love with him when you cheated? Did he feel in love with you?

 

I'm still struggling to understand why you cheated It sounds like you had a great guy and a solid marriage and you just trashed it Was it really about him at all? Or was it about you? And if it was about you, how much of your current misery is about you?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Katielee...sometimes i think it is as simple as making the decision to be more positive ....of allowing ourselves to BE HAPPY.

 

Every part of life...has happy and sad.....every part of life is a learning experience. We can dwell on the things that bring us down or we can concentrate on the things that make us happy.

 

You seem like a very analytical person to me....so lets look at things this way.

 

You make a list of all the wonderful things about your husband you love. Make a list of everything that makes you happy. Make a list of everything you have been blessed with.

 

Now make a list of everything you do not like about your husband....and all the things that make you sad.....

 

I will bet you...that the good stuff wins....hands down. And yet....that's not what you are focusing on.

 

Look at these lists and ask yourself honestly...is there anything on the list that is a deal breaker for your husband. Is there anything that screams at you....I cannot live with this. In addition...look at these lists and ask....what would my life be like without him in it.

 

If you honestly have issues with him....that you cannot bear...if you can imagine your life will be happier and more fulfilled without him in it....then make a decision...and do it.

 

But stop griping about it....and stop wishing it away....

Accept your husband for the man he is...the man you fell in love with...the man you still love....and give yourself permission....to be happy.

[katielee]

Ok! That's huge and special. That's an amazing feeling to have after decades together. Lucky you!

 

Appreciate that.

 

Did you feel in love with him when you cheated? Did he feel in love with you?

 

I'm still struggling to understand why you cheated It sounds like you had a great guy and a solid marriage and you just trashed it Was it really about him at all? Or was it about you? And if it was about you, how much of your current misery is about you?

 

I did not feel in love with him when I cheated but I do (and did before A) now.

I know he was in love with me before all affairs...

 

Yes I trashed it. I was not about him. I DO know that. I don't know how much my current misery is about me...

I'm sure my IC, Pema Chodron, Mira Kirshenbaum (Ha!) would all say it all is.

But I get that. It's accept it as it is and be happy with it or leave. Because I can't change him.

[katielee]

You make a list of all the wonderful things about your husband you love. Make a list of everything that makes you happy. Make a list of everything you have been blessed with.

 

Now make a list of everything you do not like about your husband....and all the things that make you sad.....

 

I will bet you...that the good stuff wins....hands down. And yet....that's not what you are focusing on.

 

Look at these lists and ask yourself honestly...is there anything on the list that is a deal breaker for your husband. Is there anything that screams at you....I cannot live with this. In addition...look at these lists and ask....what would my life be like without him in it.

 

If you honestly have issues with him....that you cannot bear...if you can imagine your life will be happier and more fulfilled without him in it....then make a decision...and do it.

 

 

MrsJA - I can guarantee the list of good things is longer. But one bad thing could be a dealbreaker. That's how infidelity works. I'm pretty sure he would list a lot of good things for me but that me going outside our marriage was a dealbreaker for him. That one thing. And that is his right to decide that.

 

I would be less happy in my life without him. I know that.

 

I don't think anything will make me feel or think anything other than settling. You're right - life is not a fairy tale. Mature love is not a fairy tale. Maybe I'm just way disappointed about that. I know he is too. So, we cobble together a pretty good marriage. Probably most people have a pretty good marriage.

 

I only have one or two gripes. I think that's pretty good for what we've been through. I'm sure he would say the same about me. We don't live those gripes out loud. I don't know where to talk about the battle that goes on inside my head but here and in IC. I need some relief.

 

we do really great for long periods of time and then something sets me off. My IC appt really set me off and thus this thread. Maybe I should stop going.

 

One more thing - I thought, that as a WS, I owed it to him to change. A lot.

Edited December 21, 2015 by katielee
another sentence

[xxoo]

I did not feel in love with him when I cheated but I do (and did before A) now.

I know he was in love with me before all affairs...

 

Yes I trashed it. I was not about him. I DO know that. I don't know how much my current misery is about me...

I'm sure my IC, Pema Chodron, Mira Kirshenbaum (Ha!) would all say it all is.

But I get that. It's accept it as it is and be happy with it or leave. Because I can't change him.

 

But the point is that he doesn't need to change for you to be happy. It has never been him making you unhappy. It's you.

 

Change you.

[katielee]

One more last thing - sorry everyone! I think that we may be getting closer to the tide turning and that scares me. I think he has done enough so that I can look beyond what I think I need and just allow time and consistent effort to do its work and maybe I won't have that need anymore. It used to seem impossible. It doesn't anymore.

Hopefully, I have done that work for him and those efforts have been going on long enough to have been an impetus for him to turn in the direction of feeling safe with me.

[katielee]

But the point is that he doesn't need to change for you to be happy. It has never been him making you unhappy. It's you.

 

Change you.

 

If that's true, I don't know how to change myself without saying to myself, "be happy with what you do have," which is the entire point of the majority of posters on this thread. Yet I do also get, "ask for what you need." so, which is it?

[xxoo]

If that's true, I don't know how to change myself without saying to myself, "be happy with what you do have," which is the entire point of the majority of posters on this thread. Yet I do also get, "ask for what you need." so, which is it?

 

It's both.

 

I don't think he can provide what you need to be happy. I don't think anyone can. So yes, ask for what you need....but make sure you are asking the right person.

 

I think a healthy, happy woman would be quite thrilled with your husband, as you describe him. All those great, sexy qualities, plus he stayed with you after you cheated? OMG! That's amazing! He went through all that and stayed. He must really, really love you. Lucky woman. But you want more.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Xxoo .... Exactly

 

What I have been trying to say

 

Happiness comes from within ... If we search for others to provide our happiness we will never find it

 

Happy moments? Yes contentment? No

 

 

John for many years was afraid to be happy because he feared I could take his happiness away like I once had... He has learned that it is ok to be happy... Totally happy and he has stopped sabatoging himself

 

Katielee ... Let it go I am here to tell you.. Your infidelity was not his breaking point... He is still there.. The bottom line... You are worth it

 

I am worth it Katie ... Me... If only I had known ... But I had convinced myself I wasn't

 

Your husband loves you so much that he is willing to even accept infidelity... Do you really understand how much he loves you?

 

Most men... Many men... Would walk away... Ours stayed and love us in spite of our infidelity. Can you do the same for him dear lady?

 

Can you look at him and not see the infidelity?

 

You see when I look at John ... I see a man who loves me. I don't see infidelity...I see a man who thinks I am worthy.

[xxoo]

 

Your husband loves you so much that he is willing to even accept infidelity... Do you really understand how much he loves you?

 

So true.

 

It was a cruel test to put him through to prove his love, but here he is. He passed the test. He still loves you.

 

He was destroyed for a while, but he's back to simply loving you, as he did before the affairs.

 

Of course, if his love didn't make you happy then, why would it make you happy now? If his love wasn't enough to validate you then, why would it be enough now? If you wanted him to jump through hoops then and he wouldn't, why would he now?

[katielee]

It's both.

He went through all that and stayed.

 

not really...

[Mrs. John Adams]

xxoo....yep

 

and this is where the working on YOU part comes into play

 

WHY did you cheat? what was missing that you were looking for? Was it you or was it him?

 

In my case...it was 100% me......so i really did not need John to change....I needed to change. John is not perfect...(don't tell him...lol) but omg...he is so perfect for me.

 

Katielee....examine yourself....look at your husband....and look at the relationship you have.....is it perfect? no...but i am willing to bet....there is absolutely no one in this world who could love you more than he does. Is it enough?

[katielee]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Most men... Many men... Would walk away... Ours stayed and love us in spite of our infidelity. Can you do the same for him dear lady?

 

.

 

absolutely. forgiven.

but no more.

 

i do not see infidelity when I look at him. at all. I see a good man who has worked hard and sacrificed for our family and to be with me.

 

I just don't understand why i'm unhappy then... i have no idea.

[katielee]

and this is why I want to look at FOO issues in IC but therapists just want to focus on here and now... and I believe something, at least, stems from that.

[Mrs. John Adams]

You are unhappy because you are choosing to be....do you understand that?

 

My God....here's an idea...divorce him and see how fast someone else snatches him up....because I am telling you...he's a catch!...and the sad thing is ...YOU KNOW IT!

 

Stop the DRAMA Katielee...just stop it.

 

You see a good man who wants you...what more can he possibly do? He has validated you in every way he knows how...and you are still crying it isn't enough.

 

I see a woman who is continuing to be selfish....BUT WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS? Do you even know what the hell it is you want? and if you don't know...he certainly cannot.

 

Katie...please....look at what you are doing here....pure self destruction.

[Mrs. John Adams]

and i will add this....IC can help you to achieve taking a good hard look at yourself.....but don't let it become a cop out for taking responsibility for your actions.

 

We all carry crap in our backgrounds....FOO as you call it. It may shape our perceptions....it may influence our responses.....but we are still responsible for making bad choices.

 

I don't know exactly what you are referring to in your "background" that you want your IC to pursue....

 

but i think you need to take a really hard look at what it is you are looking for....from your husband....from your kids....from you family....and even from your counselor.....because it is beginning to sound to me like your expectations are unrealistic.

[Whoknew30]

You are unhappy because you are choosing to be....do you understand that?

 

My God....here's an idea...divorce him and see how fast someone else snatches him up....because I am telling you...he's a catch!...and the sad thing is ...YOU KNOW IT!

 

Stop the DRAMA Katielee...just stop it.

 

You see a good man who wants you...what more can he possibly do? He has validated you in every way he knows how...and you are still crying it isn't enough.

 

I see a woman who is continuing to be selfish....BUT WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS? Do you even know what the hell it is you want? and if you don't know...he certainly cannot.

 

Katie...please....look at what you are doing here....pure self destruction.

 

 

I completely agree. It's all about her & what she needs. I kind of think she's in a middle age crisis & putting the blame on her husband that she doesn't know what she wants. I believe that's why he doesn't open up & won't move for her & she doesn't get Shea very much her own problem.