last steps in healing

[xxoo]

Talking about needs!!!!! Telling each other what we need. From the depth of our souls!!! i told him last month I needed more emotional intimacy. He just can't do it. But we have plenty of good times together....

 

Ok. So if he can not/will not do this basic thing, why are you fighting over where you live? You'll be unsatisfied in the new place of you can't conquer this.

 

Anyway, I've been married a long time, and my H doesn't talk about needs. I'm not cheating. I feel close to him. Dig deeper.

[katielee]

I will try Mrs JA

[MuddyFootprints]

The meltdowns are yours. Chin up, shoulders down, game face and bitch boots on. Stand your ground.

 

Reclaim your power.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Katielee...I know you will hon....please just have a wonderful Christmas full of love and family. Count your blessings.....you really have a lot to be thankful for.

 

Sometimes I look at John...and i think how different my life would be if he had divorced me.....and i am so grateful.

[xxoo]

The meltdowns are yours. Chin up, shoulders down, game face and bitch boots on. Stand your ground.

 

Reclaim your power.

 

Fully agree.

 

But your power. Not a power struggle with him. Remember that you can only control you, and that's enough.

[Mrs. John Adams]

This is not about the power struggle...this is about two people working toward the same goal. Power struggles are what gets you in trouble in the first place.

[MuddyFootprints]

Fully agree.

 

But your power. Not a power struggle with him. Remember that you can only control you, and that's enough.

 

Yes, that was in reference to encounters with APs.

[xxoo]

This is not about the power struggle...this is about two people working toward the same goal. Power struggles are what gets you in trouble in the first place.

 

Yes, but the OP has posted about a lot of power struggles. Seems to be a recurring issue.

 

The way out is to stop trying to control the other, and take a look at what is in your own power to change.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I agree.. but i would not encourage her to take back power....i would encourage her to come to a place of harmony.....a place of reconciliation...

 

I fear speaking of power in her case indicates that she is being weak....and i don't think katielee is weak....I think she is demanding....and well aware of her expectations....and is struggling with accepting less.

[MuddyFootprints]

Not when it comes to encounters with APs. The sight of them have her in a state of collapse and self-described meltdown. That's where I'm suggesting she embrace some semblance of power and claim her space. FTG.

[Mrs. John Adams]

she has not seen the AP'S since april.....by her own admission.....

 

and i am not quite sure she goes into a state of collapse and meltdown...

I think she goes into a state of anger...She admits to anger issues.....and i think the triggers cause her to be angry....because she does not feel like her husband puts her FIRST over his job and home....but Katielee will have to address this i guess.

 

I do not perceive Katielee to be a helpless...devastated woman. I have read too many of her threads....she is perfectly capable of fighting back if she thinks she has been slighted in any way.

[MuddyFootprints]

I have tried to keep in mind all of this. I think seeing a person is a much more difficult trigger than a reminder like a car or a building or a sing on the radio though... . I realize what we did changed each other permanently.

But I AM giving him what he wants. I have been for four years almost. I guess if our way of dealing with this is me having a meltdown when I see them I guess its working. He must be ok with this.

 

Whoever said its amazing were still together is right.

 

 

Katie, you are a strong woman. You need to conquer this, though.

[xxoo]

Not when it comes to encounters with APs. The sight of them have her in a state of collapse and self-described meltdown. That's where I'm suggesting she embrace some semblance of power and claim her space. FTG.

 

Right.

 

This is your town, your husband, and your life. These women do not need to have any power over you, or subtract any from your own self confidence. It's an opportunity to show how little impact they have on your life and marriage with indifference.

 

You give them SO much power if you leave town.

[katielee]

The meltdowns are yours. Chin up, shoulders down, game face and bitch boots on. Stand your ground.

 

Reclaim your power.

 

can completely do this.

but angry I have to. I will do it for myself. Not him. He loses some of me when this happens. it steps over the line of too much to give. but we still have a good enough life together.

[katielee]

what is in your own power to change.

 

and therein lies the issue. I have lots of options or changes I could make - give him ultimatum, leave without him, divorce and stay or leave, suck it up as something I have to live with, hurt him back, or just say to myself that the good outweighs the bad and we have a pretty good life together.

 

He may have triggers from seeing certain people as well. Not sure who as my AP is gone - maybe them, I don't know... if it gets too bad for him I would encourage him to do something to ease his soul, even if that meant leaving me.

[katielee]

Right.

 

This is your town, your husband, and your life. These women do not need to have any power over you, or subtract any from your own self confidence. It's an opportunity to show how little impact they have on your life and marriage with indifference.

 

You give them SO much power if you leave town.

 

I agree with this xxoo, I just wish I felt better about reconciliation. I wish I had the "we can do this" attitude so many people have here. I think if I approached seeing them with this attitude it would be lots different.

My attitude is one of "well, I guess it's better than the alternative." That's a hard place to rest in. It really is. I wish I felt differently.

 

whoever said I need to be grateful for what I do have is right. I think.

[xxoo]

and therein lies the issue. I have lots of options or changes I could make - give him ultimatum, leave without him, divorce and stay or leave, suck it up as something I have to live with, hurt him back, or just say to myself that the good outweighs the bad and we have a pretty good life together.

 

The options you list are either crappy or tolerable at best, and they are all fairly weak.

 

What are your good, strong options? You could change your marriage so that it is really great rather than pretty good. You could change your mindset so that you feel like the luckiest woman in the world, marriage or no marriage. You could run the OW out of town (probably not a good idea, but you could). You could change your focus from your marriage to a lifelong passion you've never pursued.

 

I do think you need to put your focus somewhere other than your marriage to get some stability and balance.

[understand50]

I agree with this xxoo, I just wish I felt better about reconciliation. I wish I had the "we can do this" attitude so many people have here. I think if I approached seeing them with this attitude it would be lots different.

My attitude is one of "well, I guess it's better than the alternative." That's a hard place to rest in. It really is. I wish I felt differently.

 

whoever said I need to be grateful for what I do have is right. I think.

 

Katielee,

 

You know, you can change this today, right now. Maybe the first thing is to decide, what you really want. Do you want your husband, or do you want to move? Break it down, to a one or the other, chose. Both are going to suck, I think, but maybe having your husband and getting to a real reconciliation, maybe at least a way forward to some place better. I would stay, but I stayed with my with my wife, trough some very bad times.

 

I am on the side that knows you can fix this, if you allow yourself to do so. You have it in you. You can control you.

 

"whoever said I need to be grateful for what I do have is right. I think." Do not think, but look at what you have. No one relationship is perfect, but some try and attain it. Can you struggle to try? I think you or him leaving the marriage, is something you will regret. Try and imagine, what life would really be like divorced. Is that what you want?

 

Can you imagine, you and him in a better place and relationship? Sometimes, we must let faith in ourselves and our spouse have its day.

 

As always, I wish you luck........

[katielee]

The options you list are either crappy or tolerable at best, and they are all fairly weak.

 

What are your good, strong options? You could change your marriage so that it is really great rather than pretty good. You could change your mindset so that you feel like the luckiest woman in the world, marriage or no marriage. You could run the OW out of town (probably not a good idea, but you could). You could change your focus from your marriage to a lifelong passion you've never pursued.

 

I do think you need to put your focus somewhere other than your marriage to get some stability and balance.

 

ha - xxoo...

I would love my marriage to be great but not sure only one of us can do that...

i DO feel pretty lucky, considering... but sometimes get down and think I'm unlucky.

lifelong passion - I have many many hobbies... I've tried really hard to make them bigger.. After Dday2 I decided to do triathlons and start officiating a sport at the college level, which is really a reach for me. So i think I'm doing ok with that.

It is SCARY for me, like I have no foundation but I really do.

[katielee]

Katielee,

 

Can you struggle to try? I think you or him leaving the marriage, is something you will regret. Try and imagine, what life would really be like divorced. Is that what you want?

 

 

I am trying as hard as I can. I don't know how to try harder. I know divorce would suck. That is the "better than the alternative" thing I talk about.

[xxoo]

What keeps your marriage from being great? Specifically, what are you looking for from your husband?

 

You mentioned talking about his needs. How would that make you feel closer? Is there another way to feel that closeness without that sort of express communication? If I'd been holding out for that sort of conversation with my husband, I'd be miserable, too. Ain't gonna happen. But I don't struggle to feel close and prioritized because his actions prioritize me consistently, day after day, year after year.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Xxoo.. Agreed I think men often feel their actions prove their love and loyalty and mean much more than words.

 

There are perceptions of what a good marriage should be and there is reality. I wanted a fairy tale... Because I was immature.. There is no fairy tale in life...

 

A good marriage for me may have a different definitions than katielees but there is a part of me that fears that katielee concentrates on the negative and ignores the positive. We can all sit around and have bltch sessions about our spouse ... And what does it accomplish.

 

Katielee try sharing with us all the things he does right... See if that improves your spirit.

 

The only person you can change is you. You either love hm for who he is or you don't

[katielee]

it would be great if he showed me the introspective work he's done on himself to make himself a safe partner. He doesn't share that with me. It would mean a lot to me if he kept me abreast of how he is healing as a BS. It would be great if I could say something about anything without him immediately going to "I'm not doing anything right." "It'll never be enough."

We're probably both exhausted...

 

to answer MrsJA - he is a financial wizard, he is kind and funny, he is handsome, he works out WITH me.. I dont' think a lot of guys do that. He is in good physical shape so we can do things together. This summer we're going to walk around the lake. It's 13 miles. I don't know if many other men would do that with me. We enjoy the same things (mostly, I'm not as big of a football fan) and he is good with me doing my officiating thing on the weekend. Sometimes he even comes and watches me, and if you knew the venue, you'd know it's not a comfortable venue. He's proud of what I bring to the family - monetary wise. He compliments my cooking. We don't have to talk all the time. We can just be.

[Mrs. John Adams]

That's a start... And in sharing those things and concentrating on those things you will be more positive. You see here's what you said first

 

I wish he would

 

And that changed to he does this

 

The first is asking him to change

The second is accepting him as he is

 

Which one do you think would make him feel like doing even more?

 

If you let him know the things you appreciate he will be more willing to try to do more.

 

Put yourself in his place.. Do you want praise or criticism?

 

I really think you will feel better if you become more positive...about him... About yourself... And about your marriage

[xxoo]

it would be great if he showed me the introspective work he's done on himself to make himself a safe partner. He doesn't share that with me. It would mean a lot to me if he kept me abreast of how he is healing as a BS.

 

What was his behavior before the affairs, and did it differ from his behavior during the affairs? And if so, where does his day to day marital behavior fall now?