last steps in healing

December 16, 2015

Ugh. One of those IC appts where I just wanna scream. Hubby's Love language is words of affirmation. The best thing he could hear from me is how proud I am of him doing his job and how it has made such a big difference in our financial situation and has brought us many opportunities. Thing is, I hate his job, but only that particular job, because that's how he meets people/them. I AM proud of him (and I do tell him he's a financial genius!) but I can't/won't say it about this job because I'm fearful that he'll think everything is ok. but I am holding out on giving him praise for it. IC keeps asking me what my payoff is? I keep telling her then he'll think all is forgiven and I have both feet in. She said what if you do that? And I said then I might get hurt again. Of course, this is not logical, I deserve (and he deserves) a spouse with both feet in. But I just. can't. do. it. She even said she admires him for staying the course, keeping his job, moving forward and I wanted to scream.

I've forgiven him for the affairs. I have NOT forgiven him for not moving when he knows how I feel, even though to stay here means I am financially secure. And emotionally secure too. He could cheat anywhere. But if the affairs make us even (Jeez) then I'm still sacrificing, I feel. she kept saying the "do you wanna be right or be happy" crap. Why do ppl say that? However, not having both feet in is keeping me from true happiness.

Again, this is a power struggle. I am getting to the bottom of it and need to write more...

I want to lay on a beach for about 3 days. Drunk.

December 16, 2015

Do it. The water is a little cold. Bring a sleeping bag. Nothing like waking up in the morning, out of your stupor, to the sound of waves crashing and fresh air.

December 16, 2015

The beach it is. I so understand what you are going through. I am still stuck here and I resent it in a big way. I feel like I am sabotaging our relationship because I resent staying here for financial reasons. I want to start over somewhere else. Somewhere definitely warmer.

Sorry you are stuck, too. It stinks.

December 16, 2015

Ugh. One of those IC appts where I just wanna scream. Hubby's Love language is words of affirmation. The best thing he could hear from me is how proud I am of him doing his job and how it has made such a big difference in our financial situation and has brought us many opportunities. Thing is, I hate his job, but only that particular job, because that's how he meets people/them. I AM proud of him (and I do tell him he's a financial genius!) but I can't/won't say it about this job because I'm fearful that he'll think everything is ok. but I am holding out on giving him praise for it. IC keeps asking me what my payoff is? I keep telling her then he'll think all is forgiven and I have both feet in. She said what if you do that? And I said then I might get hurt again. Of course, this is not logical, I deserve (and he deserves) a spouse with both feet in. But I just. can't. do. it. She even said she admires him for staying the course, keeping his job, moving forward and I wanted to scream.

I've forgiven him for the affairs. I have NOT forgiven him for not moving when he knows how I feel, even though to stay here means I am financially secure. And emotionally secure too. He could cheat anywhere. But if the affairs make us even (Jeez) then I'm still sacrificing, I feel. she kept saying the "do you wanna be right or be happy" crap. Why do ppl say that? However, not having both feet in is keeping me from true happiness.
Again, this is a power struggle. I am getting to the bottom of it and need to write more...

I want to lay on a beach for about 3 days. Drunk.

"But I. Just. Can't. Do. It." Although our situations are different, I completely understand this. It's like temporary paralysis, an inability to make a definitive choice. A commitment. Lol my MC once wanted my husband and I to do a commitment contract to reconciliation, you know outlining terms like committing to being all in, a timeline and not allowing any other outsiders etc. I just sat there, completely stupefied, thinking, well, clearly only one of us stands by our signature to relationship contracts. So great guarantee for the husband, but it does jack sh!$ for me.

Maybe you have forgiven him for the affairs, but the selfish thinking that contributed to his affairs is still apparent, and so you somewhat unconsciously tread carefully, that thinking has burned you before.

Edited December 16, 2015 by cja

December 17, 2015

Ugh. One of those IC appts where I just wanna scream. Hubby's Love language is words of affirmation. The best thing he could hear from me is how proud I am of him doing his job and how it has made such a big difference in our financial situation and has brought us many opportunities. Thing is, I hate his job, but only that particular job, because that's how he meets people/them. I AM proud of him (and I do tell him he's a financial genius!) but I can't/won't say it about this job because I'm fearful that he'll think everything is ok. but I am holding out on giving him praise for it. IC keeps asking me what my payoff is? I keep telling her then he'll think all is forgiven and I have both feet in. She said what if you do that? And I said then I might get hurt again. Of course, this is not logical, I deserve (and he deserves) a spouse with both feet in. But I just. can't. do. it. She even said she admires him for staying the course, keeping his job, moving forward and I wanted to scream.

I've forgiven him for the affairs. I have NOT forgiven him for not moving when he knows how I feel, even though to stay here means I am financially secure. And emotionally secure too. He could cheat anywhere. But if the affairs make us even (Jeez) then I'm still sacrificing, I feel. she kept saying the "do you wanna be right or be happy" crap. Why do ppl say that? However, not having both feet in is keeping me from true happiness.
Again, this is a power struggle. I am getting to the bottom of it and need to write more...

I want to lay on a beach for about 3 days. Drunk.

(((katielee))) Can I come with you to the beach with drinks?

I am paralyzed as well. It was one thing for me to R the first time but to try R again after False R, ugh, cannot do it. I totally get it.

December 17, 2015

Yes, yes, and again, yes, to all and to all these posts. Cja got it that there's no willing or scaring (by the therapist) that little rebel voice in your head, resisting surrender of the guard. "Fool me twice, shame on me."

I don't know. I can't really outguess your therapist. I assume you've been seeing her for some time, and she knows you. But at some point, when a therapist takes a leap like that and starts challenging you, confident she knows what your bottom line values are — well, I have too much respect for the process to interfere.

On the other hand, I often wonder if having been cheated on shouldn't be a qualification for counseling betrayed spouses, but that would beg the defining principle of the profession. I remember one psychiatrist that I'd been seeing briefly - 15 min visits - for prescription refills. When I told him about my husband's recent infidelity, he said, "Now, why would he want to do that to you?" The stand against it and sympathy for me were so unmistakable, almost decided to start seeing him but thought again about his fees. I suppose you've already vetted this person and been a long way with her; you're not going to dump her because she's pushing you past your comfort zone. That's the job. But have you felt that deep, instant verification that she knows and respects the depth of your pain, the extra depth given because of your knowledge and reflections on infidelity? Does she respect all the nuances of this mindset and the necessity to keep putting yourself first just so you don't suffer later if you realize he's been secretly putting you last?

Anyway, like I said, I couldn't do it but kind of like the idea that maybe someone else can. It's really between you and the therapist right now and later, when you decide, you and your H. You've trusted her to bring you this far. How much do you trust her to lead you where she THINKS you want to go?

December 17, 2015

I'd love to crash your beach party, too, but get more pleasure out of imagining you absorbing all that power, peace and solace from the beauty and solitude. Go get strong.

December 17, 2015

Well I've probably seen her about 5 times. My other therapist retired.

i think that many therapists don't understand trauma or at least how long it takes to recover from it. Hubby and I started at ground zero. Seriously. I think we've come a long way.

I had a close close friend of mine say, if he had done the introspective work of figuring out his choice instead of blaming you for his choice would you feel differently about this relationship and where you live?

Yep.

December 17, 2015

I worked in an incredibly sexist industry. I was the only woman who wasn't a secretary or assistant. I used to be quite a verbal feminist. I can understand why my H thinks I would appreciate the new company he works for...over 70% of management & senior positions are held by women!! Fantastic huh???? I 'should' be so enthusiastic shouldn't I?

It was a Christmas party tonight. Only employees, no partners. They're not a family orientated company.

I'm so crap for not being a supportive wife!!! For some reason I don't feel like its such a great thing that my H works with hundreds of woman. Can't wait to get back to England with the traditional lunches & Friday nights down the pub, drinking with co-workers (someone coined the phrase Ho-workers!).

My H hates his job. Would love to find a place like his old co (where he met OW) because of the 'close teams' & companionship. The social side was great!!!

December 17, 2015

I've never read anything that's convinced me that you can speed up the healing process, at least not from your end. I tend to believe that it takes as long as it takes.

The one phrase that always resonated with me was that rebuilding trust takes "consistent actions over time." The better your H is about taking consistent actions, the shorter time it's likely to take.

I think your H's refusal to move is a significant impediment both to your healing and to rebuilding trust. But it seems that it's the path you've both chosen to accept. Thus, I'd expect something closer to the five years than two.

But I've also found that while the wayward can never be the one to say it, eventually it does fall to the betrayed spouse to "get over it" if you wanna have a marriage worth being in. We can talk all we want about them doing the "heavy lifting" and whatnot but at the end of the day, it falls to the BS anyway.

All that said, what the hell do I know?

December 17, 2015

I've never read anything that's convinced me that you can speed up the healing process, at least not from your end. I tend to believe that it takes as long as it takes.

The one phrase that always resonated with me was that rebuilding trust takes "consistent actions over time." The better your H is about taking consistent actions, the shorter time it's likely to take.

I think your H's refusal to move is a significant impediment both to your healing and to rebuilding trust. But it seems that it's the path you've both chosen to accept. Thus, I'd expect something closer to the five years than two.

But I've also found that while the wayward can never be the one to say it, eventually it does fall to the betrayed spouse to "get over it" if you wanna have a marriage worth being in. We can talk all we want about them doing the "heavy lifting" and whatnot but at the end of the day, it falls to the BS anyway.

All that said, what the hell do I know?

I think a lobotomy would be about the only thing that could possibly help me get past cheating.

I would love to go to the beach, but, presently( unfortunately), someone might mistakenly harpoon me.

December 17, 2015

I think a lobotomy would be about the only thing that could possibly help me get past cheating.

Or a time machine, as they say.

I'm a good three years post divorce and I'm not fully healed. I'm truly not sure I'll ever be the same. It's pretty sad, to be honest. I was a pretty damn good and trusting person before. Now I'm a skeptic most of the time. I think I've been affected permanently. I'm not sure how much "recovery" I should even expect. I think katie is in a similar boat, as are many of us. I don't really know what's to be done about it. It's a travesty.

December 17, 2015

I would love to go to the beach, but, presently( unfortunately), someone might mistakenly harpoon me.

Yeah, I'm in a similar situation. Like you, I lost a lot of weight after Dday. I eventually put it all back on (plus another 5 lbs). I actually think regaining the weight was a sort of rebellion against the unhealthy cause of the weight loss. I think that's ok. And I'm working on getting back in shape, for healthier reasons this time.

To hell with that beotch.

December 17, 2015

The whole thing changes you forever. Life is sadder.

December 17, 2015

Get a different therapist. It sounds like this one is trying to hurry you through some deep insightful truths about yourself and your spouse. I honestly don't think he gets a cookie for just doing what normal men do everyday by making a freaking living....without acknowledging your right to feel exactly the way you feel because he isn't putting both feet in either if he isn't doing EVERYTHING you need in order to make you feel secure again. You get to get mad. He was an arse. You get to get angry. He was an arse. You get to feel betrayed. He was an arse. The idea that you should smooth it over and just be happy regardless of not feeling secure is asinine.

Your Therapist is An Amatuer,

Grumpy

December 17, 2015

Get a different therapist. It sounds like this one is trying to hurry you through some deep insightful truths about yourself and your spouse. I honestly don't think he gets a cookie for just doing what normal men do everyday by making a freaking living....without acknowledging your right to feel exactly the way you feel because he isn't putting both feet in either if he isn't doing EVERYTHING you need in order to make you feel secure again. You get to get mad. He was an arse. You get to get angry. He was an arse. You get to feel betrayed. He was an arse. The idea that you should smooth it over and just be happy regardless of not feeling secure is asinine.
Your Therapist is An Amatuer,
Grumpy

if she'd just help me work through some anger and help me figure out if its all him, all me or FOO issues, that would be great.

December 17, 2015

Therapy is way overated,IMHO. Most of whatever healing is going to happen does so vecause of time snd our own effort. I think it is unrealistic to expect to ever have a really good,happy marriage to someone who cheated on you. I doubt it ever really happens despite the claims of some.

December 17, 2015

I strongly second Krashis post. Relying on a therapist, to bring you happiness, closure or whatever, is overated. With all that has been said, the best thing for some, may not be therapy, but your last line if your original post.

Sometimes you have to control your own situation and realize that your days on the planet Earth are limited. How much time you invest in being sad is really up to you. Not your therapist, not your Wayward.

Every once in awhile the best therapy may be to say to hell with it.

And lay on the beach

Enjoying the warm air and the "sights"

Slightly toasted.

Edit. A bunch of you should get together and visit the beachside community of Encinitas , Ca. I think S2B is from that area. Lots of Good food, bed and breakfast there. Special beer and wine shops...and surfers. There are some treadmills to K and BH

December 17, 2015

I deserve (and he deserves) a spouse with both feet in. But I just. can't. do. it. She even said she admires him for staying the course, keeping his job, moving forward and I wanted to scream.

I don't have your history in this thread, but from what I've read, he's had multiple affairs yet everyone feels he 'deserves' to have a partner with both feet in? And this therapist 'admires' him for moving forward????

Honestly, I don't even know what to say to that.

However, not having both feet in is keeping me from true happiness.

No Katielee, the truth is that HIS constant betrayals and complete EROSION of your trust and faith in him are what's keeping you from being happy. Is he related to this therapist? She sounds like his sister or a family member trying to paint him out to be a good guy while insinuating that YOU'RE the one throwing a monkey wrench into the works.

I wouldn't give him 100% loyalty or devotion either. He doesn't deserve it. I don't blame you one single BIT for not wanting to plunge back in. Not a bit.

He already had your complete loyalty and devotion and what did he do with it? He abused it again and again and again. Now you're just expected to give it to him all over again because SHE thinks you should?

I'd find another therapist. She's not helping at all.

JMHO.

December 17, 2015

Ugh. One of those IC appts where I just wanna scream. Hubby's Love language is words of affirmation. The best thing he could hear from me is how proud I am of him doing his job and how it has made such a big difference in our financial situation and has brought us many opportunities. Thing is, I hate his job, but only that particular job, because that's how he meets people/them. I AM proud of him (and I do tell him he's a financial genius!) but I can't/won't say it about this job because I'm fearful that he'll think everything is ok. but I am holding out on giving him praise for it. IC keeps asking me what my payoff is? I keep telling her then he'll think all is forgiven and I have both feet in. She said what if you do that? And I said then I might get hurt again. Of course, this is not logical, I deserve (and he deserves) a spouse with both feet in. But I just. can't. do. it. She even said she admires him for staying the course, keeping his job, moving forward and I wanted to scream.

I've forgiven him for the affairs. I have NOT forgiven him for not moving when he knows how I feel, even though to stay here means I am financially secure. And emotionally secure too. He could cheat anywhere. But if the affairs make us even (Jeez) then I'm still sacrificing, I feel. she kept saying the "do you wanna be right or be happy" crap. Why do ppl say that? However, not having both feet in is keeping me from true happiness.
Again, this is a power struggle. I am getting to the bottom of it and need to write more...

I want to lay on a beach for about 3 days. Drunk.

katielee,

I always laugh at those that point out that God could not have made the world in 6 days and then rested on the 7th. I point out that God's time is not your time, and what is a day to god? One day or billions or years. So, your time healing is your time. It will take you what it does. There will be good days and there will be bad. I would hope that your IC understands this, and she should, but you need to understand this.

You need to move, leave the place where all this pain happened is something I would want to do as well. My only suggestion, is to sit down with your husband and see if you both can work out a plan to have him get another job and move. Or if that in the end is not possible, see if you can spend more time away, work remotely, carve out some space for yourself and him. I think deep down you worry he will have another Affair. That, I think, will never go away completely. The question is how do you manage that feeling to move forward. You can be right and happy, both of you should try and find the path that leads to that.

You may have to accept, that you both cannot move or leave, but when you retire, that should be the first thing you and he do. I find for myself, I can put up with most anything, as long as I have a plan and an end date to work towards. Open ended things drive me nuts, and I think you as well. It also helps me to think long term, and to see and work to where I will be in 10 years. As I get up in years, these goal get shorter. Age is a bitch. One of the reasons I stayed with my wife, is that I could see a better place in 10 years, but I knew she and I had to work for it.

As always, I wish you luck...............

December 17, 2015

Thanks Understand - that's concrete advice (well laying on a beach is too! ha!) We have that getaway place that helps a lot. I have considered that I get to pick where we retire. I have considered saying that I will not live here one moment past retirement - and I have 10.5 years left, he has 8.5. If he works in a limited capacity as a board member of the bank when he retires (as his predecessor does) then he can drive from the lake home and back (90 miles away) for those 20 hours a month.

But the fact still remains that I feel I am not his priority and weighing the good and bad of our life together the good wins out. and it sucks. He gets to love me how he wants - by providing for me. But I get to interpret if that's how I want to be loved too. It was in the beginning. So part of this is not really fair to him. I'm asking him to love me differently now.

December 17, 2015

Get a different therapist. It sounds like this one is trying to hurry you through some deep insightful truths about yourself and your spouse. I honestly don't think he gets a cookie for just doing what normal men do everyday by making a freaking living....without acknowledging your right to feel exactly the way you feel because he isn't putting both feet in either if he isn't doing EVERYTHING you need in order to make you feel secure again. You get to get mad. He was an arse. You get to get angry. He was an arse. You get to feel betrayed. He was an arse. The idea that you should smooth it over and just be happy regardless of not feeling secure is asinine.
Your Therapist is An Amatuer,
Grumpy

Well, first, this really reads well and probably feels very validating to OP.

And DEFINITELY agree with "don't think he gets a cookie for just doing what normal men do everyday by making a freaking living," but I've always related to this dynamic in their relationship. It can be complicated with some verbally challenged individuals. Yeah, sure it's a copout in a way, but expecting validation in words from this personality type begs the question of having married in the first place. So you give brownie points (or a cookie) for sticking with the program with gusto.

My hunch is the fact that they both cheated becomes a sticking point. It's an interesting dynamic and helpful to us because she gives insight both ways, but she doesn't also explain how it plays out between them always.

December 17, 2015

but she doesn't also explain how it plays out between them always.

well, wtheck? what do you want to know?

he likes affirmation for his job because he's risen through the ranks.. and that is important to him.

December 17, 2015

I he capable of loving you differently now? Can he do change? Are you asking for a reasonable and obtainable request?

I don't know. He doesn't want to change. I don't know if my request is reasonable. It would be for me. But my identity isn't tied to my job.

December 17, 2015

Apologize in advance for t/j and extreme compulsiveness:

I want to lay on a beach for about 3 days. ... concrete advice (well laying on a beach is too! ha!)

And lay on the beach

... trying to make it relevant, too...

As you LIE there together, consider if LYING on the beach is good for the R or just good R&R? (Unless you're part bird, you won't be laying anything on that beach except what you lay down next to you—a towel, sunscreen maybe.)

P.S. 'lie' past tense

+ auxiliary: Did you both lie in the buff?

- auxiliary: Yep, we lay in delicious flagrante delicto.

(Please forgive but itchx3 - must scratch)

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