Poem

[LoveRefreshed]

This is a personal poem I'm going to attach to some flowers for my gf of four months. It's following a discussion we had about our relationship and the direction we are headed.

 

She told me yesterday that she is nervous about moving forward because of her ex husband. We've had a few discussions about us, about her past and I'm just trying to write something sweet and supportive about letting go of her past (ex husband, exes in general) and looking to the future that she wants to have with me.

 

Opinions would be cool on it. It sounds alright, but I am not much of a poet.

 

I love you with my heart whole; come wander the future with me

When you sing, it warms my soul; stay and see the man I will be.

Won’t let your heart get stole; protection with tenacity, it’s not jealousy,

We will be amazing, complete and whole; forget the past and let your love go free.

Edited December 16, 2015 by LoveRefreshed
Copy pasta from word is funny.

[katiegrl]

This is a personal poem I'm going to attach to some flowers for my gf of four months. It's following a discussion we had about our relationship and the direction we are headed.

 

She told me yesterday that she is nervous about moving forward because of her ex husband. We've had a few discussions about us, about her past and I'm just trying to write something sweet and supportive about letting go of her past (ex husband, exes in general) and looking to the future that she wants to have with me.

 

Opinions would be cool on it. It sounds alright, but I am not much of a poet.

 

I love you with my heart whole; come wander the future with me

When you sing, it warms my soul; stay and see the man I will be.

Won’t let your heart get stole; protection with tenacity, it’s not jealousy,

We will be amazing, complete and whole; forget the past and let your love go free.

 

Hey LR ......I am no expert, but since she sounds ambivalent about moving forward (whatever her reasons) I would not advise sending that. IMO, it's a little over the top for four months in...plus since she is nervous about moving forward, it's bound to have the opposite effect of what you intended.

 

If your goal for sending it is to draw her closer and ease her ambivalence, that won't do it.

 

Also, the second sentence "stay and see the man I "will be"?

 

It would be better to say "...the man I am.". Not the man you will be.

 

How about changing the first sentence to "...come wander the future with this man."

 

Then the second sentence would be "...stay and see the man I am."

 

So it rhymes. Jmo on that though.

 

But don't send it yet .....not the right time IMO.

 

Good luck friend!

Edited December 16, 2015 by katiegrl

[LoveRefreshed]

It's more that she wants to be friends with her ex bf and that she is always comparing me to her ex husband (in a good way) and he wanted to meet her once and I was just like nfw. Said she doesn't hate him but he needs closure. So I said nothing spells closure like not meeting. Anyway, it's more about her letting go of the past. She wants so much with me but I can't move forward with her if she is dwelling on the past. I want her to just step forward with me instead of just talking about it.

[jen1447]

If you're not much of a poet, it might be best not to delve too far into poetry.

 

Poetry's all about impressions, so if she sees you as a big question mark right now (for whatever reason - associations w/exH or 'bad men' etc.), it won't matter what you say. In fact it could backfire if she sees you as wishy-washy, bc you'd just be contributing to that impression with head-in-the-clouds sentimentality, as opposed to sth more tangible like beating up a robber or buying her an oven. (Manly-man-man type provider/defender stuff.) On the other hand we don't really know either of you two so maybe this is your thing and it's all good.

 

If you want an opinion on the poem, it sounds a little corny to me.

 

- "heart whole" is a weird-sounding idiom.

- "wander the future" sounds aimless.

- "When you sing it warms my soul" sounds nice.

- "the man I will be" sounds like you need to make improvements.

- "get stole" is cludgy.

- "protection with tenacity, it’s not jealousy" sounds like you're rapping.

- Last line's ok but it almost sounds like you're releasing her in a way.

 

Then again, legit poets and creative ppl don't actually give a damn what other ppl think.

[AspenBaldwin]

Where is 'Dr Reply In Rhymes' when we need him?

[AspenBaldwin]

My whole heart is yours,

do with it what you wish,

Stay with me so I can become

what I’m meant to be.

Let me be the one to steal your heart,

don’t give it away so easily.

We shall be together forever and ever,

my love for you will last an eternity.

 

[katiegrl]

My whole heart is yours,

do with it what you wish,

Stay with me so I can become

what I’m meant to be.

Let me be the one to steal your heart,

don’t give it away so easily.

We shall be together forever and ever,

my love for you will last an eternity.

 

 

Uh no.

 

Guys, this stuff needs to be saved for when it has been established you are in love (with each other)...no ambivalence from either side ... and wish to spend your lives together .

 

And again and like jen said too.....never express to a woman what you are "meant to be" ...or "will be."

 

No woman will feel emotionally safe man with a man with potential or feels he needs improvement (with her love and support)...we want a man who is sure who he is NOW ....

 

I know you are trying to craft a catchy poem that will impress her....but if she is like most women, it will do the opposite.

 

It's sappy and contrived. Again jmo.

 

Sorry

[LoveRefreshed]

Uh no.

 

Guys, this stuff needs to be saved for when it has been established you are in love (with each other)...no ambivalence from either side ... and wish to spend your lives together .

 

And again and like jen said too.....never express to a woman what you are "meant to be" ...or "will be."

 

No woman will feel emotionally safe man with a man with potential or feels he needs improvement (with her love and support)...we want a man who is sure who he is NOW ....

 

I know you are trying to craft a catchy poem that will impress her....but if she is like most women, it will do the opposite.

 

It's sappy and contrived. Again jmo.

 

Sorry

 

You're out of context and didn't read my second post.

 

This woman has told me she is in love with me. That she could marry me. That she wants to move in with me. That she's 'once bitten, twice shy' from ex husband.

 

Another topic of us is that she likes to maintain friendships with a couple ex boyfriends which bothers me but we've had several discussions on it.

 

I want to encourage her to not be afraid and move forward with me, and it was something we did discuss in person. I'm just trying to solidify it, romantically.

 

SO WE HAVE SAID I LOVE YOU. WE HAVE BOTH STATED WE SEE A FUTURE TOGETHER.

[LoveRefreshed]

Alright, you women win. I went with flowers Not roses.

[katiegrl]

You're out of context and didn't read my second post.

 

This woman has told me she is in love with me. That she could marry me. That she wants to move in with me. That she's 'once bitten, twice shy' from ex husband.

 

Another topic of us is that she likes to maintain friendships with a couple ex boyfriends which bothers me but we've had several discussions on it.

 

I want to encourage her to not be afraid and move forward with me, and it was something we did discuss in person. I'm just trying to solidify it, romantically.

 

SO WE HAVE SAID I LOVE YOU. WE HAVE BOTH STATED WE SEE A FUTURE TOGETHER.

 

Oops, sorry missed that.

 

I still find it odd that she says she is hesitant to move forward....after she said she's in love with you, sees a future with you, wants to move in with you and could marry you.

 

How do you say you could move in and marry someone but then say you are hesitant to move forward with them (no matter what her reasons).

 

Moving in and marriage is moving forward, is it not?

 

Did she back track on that? A bit of a double message.

 

That said, I think it would be best if you showed her via your actions how devoted, loyal and trustworthy you are....so she can trust you and stop comparing your relationship to that of her and her ex's.

 

The flowers were a nice gesture though.... even roses!

 

Good luck LR.... hope this one works out for ya!

Edited December 16, 2015 by katiegrl

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Well well, I think this is a great gift to show romance for sure,

But don't take it from me, I just rhyme words that are often obscure,

Your words won't be materialistic, it's rather a gift from the heart,

So send your poem, I think, for your budding romance will hardly fall apart.

 

Katie brings a good point though, words only go so far,

For those who talk the talk very rarely walk, but rather drive a car,

Be sure that with this gift, you're willing to go all the way,

And be sure your actions are reciprocated; it is only then the love will not fade!

[LoveRefreshed]

Oops, sorry missed that.

 

I still find it odd that she says she is hesitant to move forward....after she said she's in love with you, sees a future with you, wants to move in with you and could marry you.

 

How do you say you could move in and marry someone but then say you are hesitant to move forward with them (no matter what her reasons).

 

Moving in and marriage is moving forward, is it not?

 

Did she back track on that? A bit of a double message.

 

That said, I think it would be best if you showed her via your actions how devoted, loyal and trustworthy you are....so she can trust you and stop comparing your relationship to that of her and her ex's.

 

The flowers were a nice gesture though.... even roses!

 

Good luck LR.... hope this one works out for ya!

 

I see what you're saying about it being two different things. I guess let me start by saying that I was the first to express I was hesitant about it moving forward any more/faster. I am somewhat bothered by how much history she has and how it is around us, and I need to know that she's willing to live outside of that. I am tired of the three ex boyfriends that she remains in contact with, when one, maybe two, are certainly still in love with her.

 

I know she isn't going to cheat on me, but it's kind of annoying to have these dudes constantly texting/fbing her while we're together (she ignores them and when we first started dating she'd read me the texts and now if I asked, I'm not worried about her behavior). We had a couple disagreements but have worked them out and I've decided to stop worrying about it so much.

 

I told her I need to live with her before any ring talkin is done, and so she has to decide soon because of leasing situations. Her concerns are mostly that she told her roommate that she'd live with her another year before she met me. She's conflicted about hurting/disappointing her, disappointing me, and her own fear after living her ****ty ex husband, apparently.

 

So, if we can get over her past hang ups (ex husband for her, and her orbiting ex bf) and live together, then I want those things with her. That is what I was trying to say in my poorly written poem that I rewrote with the advice, and still decided it's bad. Plus, came off wrong I think at the time.

 

Anyway, she liked the flowers and all is well. She doesn't have to decide anything today.

 

 

Well well, I think this is a great gift to show romance for sure,

But don't take it from me, I just rhyme words that are often obscure,

Your words won't be materialistic, it's rather a gift from the heart,

So send your poem, I think, for your budding romance will hardly fall apart.

 

Katie brings a good point though, words only go so far,

For those who talk the talk very rarely walk, but rather drive a car,

Be sure that with this gift, you're willing to go all the way,

And be sure your actions are reciprocated; it is only then the love will not fade!

 

I always enjoy the words which you write

The accuracy of your advice is actually aight.

I've pondered and decided to perfect my poem

I'll calculate and conjugate and pick it with a comb

 

I'll relegate the reception until the time's romantic

Vigilant until our value veers volcanic

It's sad that such things are said to be super sappy

When's it honorable to hone a heart that's happy.

[burnt]

If you're not much of a poet, it might be best not to delve too far into poetry.

 

Poetry's all about impressions, so if she sees you as a big question mark right now (for whatever reason - associations w/exH or 'bad men' etc.), it won't matter what you say. In fact it could backfire if she sees you as wishy-washy, bc you'd just be contributing to that impression with head-in-the-clouds sentimentality, as opposed to sth more tangible like beating up a robber or buying her an oven. (Manly-man-man type provider/defender stuff.) On the other hand we don't really know either of you two so maybe this is your thing and it's all good.

 

If you want an opinion on the poem, it sounds a little corny to me.

 

- "heart whole" is a weird-sounding idiom.

- "wander the future" sounds aimless.

- "When you sing it warms my soul" sounds nice.

- "the man I will be" sounds like you need to make improvements.

- "get stole" is cludgy.

- "protection with tenacity, it’s not jealousy" sounds like you're rapping.

- Last line's ok but it almost sounds like you're releasing her in a way.

 

Then again, legit poets and creative ppl don't actually give a damn what other ppl think.

 

 

You wrote it--don't change it. Leave it just the way you wrote it; it's your own words, your own WEIRD CORNY expressions, and it describes you more than some properly well composed masterpiece.

 

If I were your girl, I'd rather want to receive something genuine written by you even if it's a corny bad poetry --I'd love it just the way you wrote it. It'd make me smile, just the way it is knowing that you wrote it for me.

 

To be honest, I'd be upset if I knew you wrote something for me and then posted it in public forum for the world to see and tried to get feedback. I don't know, maybe I'm weird, but when I wanted to say something romantic to my lover, I'd never ask other people what they'd think of it--I'd just say it to him and not worry about whether it's bad poetry or not. It's my words and it's my genuine expressions. I'd consider my private messages to him to be too sacred to be shared in public to be honest.