JGMG Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 Hi all, Been thinking this for some time now and had a few people’s thoughts on it but thought I’d see what people that don’t know myself of partner say. We’ve been together just over a year now and have been living together for about 8 months of that. We do both love each and are constantly talking about our 5 year plan etc etc. We have the type of relationship where we can access each others stuff i.e. fingerprint on each others phone, email, facebook that sort of thing as we both agreed there’s nothing to hide. Now up until recently I’ve not taken advantage of that however little things over the last few months have made me wary. We both got new jobs around the same sort of time, I don’t know why but I’ve always had a strange feeling about this job from the start. Not immediately but probably a few months into this new job I noticed that she started wearing clothes to work she wouldn’t normally, putting more make up on that sort of thing. Around the same sort of time we had just moved in with family to try save money and our space was very limited so with regards to that I can understand we’d get on each other’s nerves, however there would be occasions where she would seem distant and had rejected me be close with her, it would seem it would always be me that would make a move. It got to the point where I didn’t want to make a move for a kiss in fear of rejection again. Again we’ve just moved into another place and committed to a year and we are both very happy. But again I’ve had a feeling something just isn’t quite right, almost as if she isn’t telling me something. We both finish work and come home and we’re together, at the weekend we’re together so I know something isn’t going on outside of work. With all the little things that have mounted up over the last few months and that nagging feeling, I logged into her facebook couldn’t see any trouble messages on there, so everything was fine. However later that morning a message came up from this guy that works in the same place as her but, saying ‘come down at 10:30 for a smoke x’. No harm in that. Later on that day a message came through and said ‘Come down at 1 work wife x’ I saw this and everything just flipped my world upside down and the thoughts started to run away. She hadn’t replied to this mind….but did delete them. The following day same first message was sent. She did reply with ‘I’ll be down just after got stuff to sort out’, again later that day this guy sent another message this time with ‘come down at 1 if you have time, we need to have an epic facebattle lol x’ He later replied ‘that was a joke btw’ Again she didn’t reply but deleted the message. With this I thought I’d approach her in a way of not saying I had seen the message but ask questions like has anyone made any inappropriate comments or advances to you at work? She shut it down and said no body had. Over the course of the next few days we raised it again just in passing and I mentioned that you could tell me if this has been the case or not, again she denied nothing had been said or done. She states that she has nothing to hide, but yet keeps deleting the messages, has lied to my face 4 times about it. I stated that if anyone had knowing that you have a long term BF it’s not only disrespectful to you but it is to me, I also mentioned that if anyone had I would hope you’d tell them to back it up. Obviously her lie had hurt me knowing what I know, but she then mentioned this guy as a cigarette break friend and said you’d get on great with him, I thought this was also pretty hurtful. Looking at all the things that are going on in our life I do believe her that I’m the only one for her and vice versa and we’d both be stupid to give up everything we have with each other. I want to think it has started out just friendly and this guy has maybe misread her signs and is trying his luck and she is maybe enjoying the flattery, however now after him crossing the line she doesn’t want to be rude and continue the friendship. He hasn’t sent any further inappropriate messages but still continues to send them daily asking her to come down at a certain time, which again she is deleting and appears to not be replying to. Apologies for the long read…
Villainous Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 She's obviously into this guy and who knows what else they've done behind your back. The fact that she lied to you about him is the most revealing. It's for you to decide on whether you want to stay with her. But I can tell you she's not long-term material.
PaperCrane Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 If and only if she had been truthful about this person, would I consider working on what's going on. She's lying and when pushed only gives the smallest bit back. Leave now, while you still have dignity.
VeveCakes Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 meh...it's a co worker she is smoking with. My co workers often refer to each other as "work wives" or "work husbands". She is probably deleting it so you don't think more is going on. Send her flowers at work, or show up and take her out for lunch.
Space Ritual Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 Sorry man, The signs are there. The lies and deleting of the messages. You tipped your hand by even mentioning it to her but that is ok. That happens when yo are suspicious. From what you described, my take is that she feels like she needs to test the waters a bit, perhaps because she has a different expectation about the living situation. Maybe she is justifying it in her mind by thinking that if you have to live with family that translates into her needs not being met. Of course I understand that is a convoluted way of thinking, but she seems a bit enamored with the coworker so he may be sweet talking her quite a lot on their smoke breaks. I think referring to her as "Wife" in a message would be an indicator that he is actively pursuing her. So what to do about it? Well, your gut lead you to look at her messages, and you really did not invade her privacy, you invaded her secrecy. Start taking screen shots of the messages, don't ask any questions and just continue to sit back for a few weeks. With the Holidays coming up generally any crack in a relationship will appear during this time of year. Simply because people have unrealistic expectations about the season. Parties and seeing friends and love is in the air and all that crap that really does not exist has a magical effect on normally rational people. So if she is going to bite on the hook, it will be soon. When you have enough evidence through the screen shots drop the bomb on her. And never reveal your source.
Author JGMG Posted December 16, 2015 Author Posted December 16, 2015 meh...it's a co worker she is smoking with. My co workers often refer to each other as "work wives" or "work husbands". She is probably deleting it so you don't think more is going on. Send her flowers at work, or show up and take her out for lunch. The work wife comment he made whilst initially was a shock I can live with, the facebattle comment the other day sent me mind into overdrive. The way I discussed it with her was in a calm manner, but she proceeded to lie. Which is still what is getting to me. last week was our year anniversary and I did just that, sent her flowers to work, which she absolutely loved and posted on Facebook which this guy would have seen.
lolablue17 Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 Sorry but I didn't see any inappropriate advances or comments in the quotes you put here. Deleting messages? I delete temporary unimportant messages on daily bases because I want my box to be as clean as possible. So why do you say she lied? I didn't see any lie.
d0nnivain Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 You moved in together without knowing each other. You mistakenly believed that having each other's passwords = trust. Given the unstable financial nature of your involvement, perhaps a step back is in order. 1
truth_seeker Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 A friend of mine was in a relationship and when he lived with his gf for awhile, she got a feel for what he was like when he lived with her. She ended up losing interest fast and they broke up. You guys have together for a year. You're living together for almost a year. You're living in a tight space. She probably feels suffocated and has this feeling it will be like this for years to come. That can kill any relationship right there.
VeveCakes Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 The work wife comment he made whilst initially was a shock I can live with, the facebattle comment the other day sent me mind into overdrive. The way I discussed it with her was in a calm manner, but she proceeded to lie. Which is still what is getting to me. last week was our year anniversary and I did just that, sent her flowers to work, which she absolutely loved and posted on Facebook which this guy would have seen. So whats a facebattle? Like making faces at each other? He said he was joking, he might have thought he crossed the line....I just don't get the vibe she is up to anything other than smoking with a friend.
truth_seeker Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 With the Holidays coming up generally any crack in a relationship will appear during this time of year. Simply because people have unrealistic expectations about the season. Parties and seeing friends and love is in the air and all that crap that really does not exist has a magical effect on normally rational people. So if she is going to bite on the hook, it will be soon. Good point about the holidays. This time of year people want to hold onto their relationships until the holidays are over. They are also planning for the future. They do not want to start the new year with a relationship they do not want to be in. Many break ups NYE... ball drops and so does the axe. Women who usually do this have a back up lined up. Remember Valentine's Day is 6 weeks after the new year.
Author JGMG Posted December 16, 2015 Author Posted December 16, 2015 So whats a facebattle? Like making faces at each other? He said he was joking, he might have thought he crossed the line....I just don't get the vibe she is up to anything other than smoking with a friend. Kissing, where no one wins the battle apparently. giving everything that we have going for us, that's the impression I get as well however this guy has more on his mind.
smackie9 Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 You mistakenly believed that having each other's passwords = trust. This 100%^^^^. I'm putting this in my signature. OP your GF knews you would be scanning her messages. She cleverly never replied, and promptly deleted them....so you wouldn't have any real evidence. After you said something to her, she told Mr.X to tone down the messages, because you are checking. This could be a case of her being an attention whore, and she is just letting this dude carry on as she laps it up. Reality : If you have an attractive GF, most guys that interact with her will have ulterior motive to be in her company. You can't nor can she prevent this from occurring unless she never left the house and was chained up.
Author JGMG Posted December 16, 2015 Author Posted December 16, 2015 This 100%^^^^. I'm putting this in my signature. OP your GF knews you would be scanning her messages. She cleverly never replied, and promptly deleted them....so you wouldn't have any real evidence. After you said something to her, she told Mr.X to tone down the messages, because you are checking. This could be a case of her being an attention whore, and she is just letting this dude carry on as she laps it up. Reality : If you have an attractive GF, most guys that interact with her will have ulterior motive to be in her company. You can't nor can she prevent this from occurring unless she never left the house and was chained up. Completely agree - It was never a good idea giving out those passwords again this was just in passing, but it is a case of curiosity killed the cat. In my previous long term relationship we never did this and never had a problem on that side of things. The other point is this could have been going on for a lot longer than just this past week but I've only just seen them. Again I'd agree with you it probably is a case that she has cottoned on to the fact I know without actually coming out with it. She is very attractive and I know this will always be a case of it, and in most respects that makes me feel good because I know she is coming home to me at the end of the day, however it's just where to draw the line and you're right she probably is enjoying getting flattery from someone else rather than me.
io2iio Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 Dispose this one and get a new girl friend. They are plenty of attractive women who dont disrespect men. Watch her actions rather than her words !
VeveCakes Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 Dispose this one and get a new girl friend. They are plenty of attractive women who dont disrespect men. Watch her actions rather than her words ! but her actions have shown nothing..she deleted pointless messages, I do that all the time. Why not just ask her? Say you were on the computer and she was logged in and her messages came up.
Author JGMG Posted December 16, 2015 Author Posted December 16, 2015 but her actions have shown nothing..she deleted pointless messages, I do that all the time. Why not just ask her? Say you were on the computer and she was logged in and her messages came up. That would be the next option and am considering just coming out with it, however it's about approaching it in the right manner. I hoped that me confronting her about it in such a way that she'd come out and say it, obviously she didn't take the opportunity. Thing is these were received when we were both at work, so it would show that I had to log in. As a previous post suggested I got a screen shot of the face battle message before it was deleted. After speaking with friends over the weekend they suggested to monitor it.
xcupid Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 I'm thinking you're making a mountain out of a molehill. Let's face it, if she really wanted to hide stuff it's easy to do. It's possible these "messages" mean nothing to her and she doesn't give them another thought.
PaperCrane Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 (edited) I'm thinking you're making a mountain out of a molehill. Let's face it, if she really wanted to hide stuff it's easy to do. It's possible these "messages" mean nothing to her and she doesn't give them another thought. Then why delete them? Normally all this would be benign, but I just have a weird feeling about it. I also am a firm believer in not sharing the passwords. Sharing them is a clear indication of distrust. Edited December 16, 2015 by PaperCrane
preraph Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 You mean you save all your messages? Because I delete mine as soon as I answer them. She is clearly making plans with you and home every night. Do you really think she's the kind of person to have fleeting sex with a coworker during a smoke break? If so, then why on earth are you still with her? You need to remember that unlike most men, women don't jump at every opportunity to get sex with whoever is handy because women, at least while they're youthful, find sex easy to get if that's all they want, but it's usually NOT all they want. Give her a little credit. She may like him. They may like each other. Or he may be gay or married or taken and just teasing. But if she wanted to be with him and it was mutual, don't you think she'd NOT be making long-term plans with you? If you think she still would, then again, why would you choose such a woman? 2
Space Ritual Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 That would be the next option and am considering just coming out with it, however it's about approaching it in the right manner. I hoped that me confronting her about it in such a way that she'd come out and say it, obviously she didn't take the opportunity. Thing is these were received when we were both at work, so it would show that I had to log in. As a previous post suggested I got a screen shot of the face battle message before it was deleted. After speaking with friends over the weekend they suggested to monitor it. Glad you got the Facebattle Screenshot. That's pretty unmistakable terminology I agree, just sit back and observe.
Anderlie Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 Jeez I think you're taking this way too far. My brother in law signs all his texts with an x, it's a thing now apparently. Doesn't mean I'm running off with the guy, especially since he writes that way to his own brother and parents as well. Secondly: deleting those messages to me reinforces nothing is going on. She's deleting them, she doesn't see them as consequential enough even to keep. I do that all the time, as do others. And being someone's work wife.... eh, big deal. I've been a work wife and still gone straight home and loved on my actual husband My work husband was MC at our wedding as a matter of fact. This is the problem with snooping, if you WANT to find something you always will. Sit down and have a conversation with your girlfriend like an adult, apologise for looking through her Facebook and check in with how she's feeling about the relationship. You want the trappings of a grown-up relationship you have to learn the emotional skills as well.
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