Thomas31 Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 Hello everyone, I know some of you guys might judge me from the title of the thread but it's okay I can take it. I'm actually happy I found this place because I definitely need to talk to people over this and for several years I've been the guy that keeps everything inside and this needs to end today. Here's my story... I started dating this woman almost 7 years ago, she had a 1 year old (1 year and 7 months to be super precise) at the time, a little girl and she had been single for a year at the time because it really didn't work out with the baby's father. Who should I say has not been in her life since (maybe once a year at best) We were both in our mid twenties at the time that we started dating, our relationships throughout the years did have ups and down (like most people I'm sure, life isn't a disney movie at the end of the day) and for me it was the first time living with someone else in general. From the very first day I fell in love with her daughter and raised her just like she was mine and words cannot explain today I much love I feel for this little angel. Unfortunately I went through the lost of my dad 2 years ago and that sent me in a funk where I was depressed for a while and I'll admit I was also a little immature when we had arguments and stuff like that, my dad had MS and it wasn't just losing him overnight it had been a long process and it was a burden that was really hard to get by. So we broke up in August after our family being together for 7 years and me raising her daughter for 7 years (she's now 8 almost 9) I know most part of the breakup were based on me not listening to her warning signs and being immature about some things in our arguments and stuff like that. I can totally admit that. Is it how I wanted to act? Of course not but back then with everything I was going through it was kind of like a defense mechanism I guess. When we broke up I was numb really and back to being depressed... I didn't contact her for several weeks until she made first contact. Of course over that time period she and her daughter were the only things on my mind but it was like an ego thing, so much frustration because she left me over at our place by myself to go live with her parents. We kept in touch back and forth (not a regular basis but sporadically here and there) after all were talking about the person who was (well is pretty much) my best friend and sometimes hang out for the sake of our daughter. Towards the end of September she told me she met someone new but my initial reaction was well it's because she might be the type of person who doesn't want to be alone... of course that came with a lot of pain too. She would still contact me whenever something was happening in her life (example she got promoted at work recently and I was genuinely happy for her) and she would contact me other times when she had anxiety (because she does sometimes, dont we all in a way) and we did still see each other, less often unfortunately but for me to see her daughter. She went on a trip with her new boyfriend recently (in early mid November) and now she believes she's a month pregnant. The whole time we were together we tried to get pregnant so many times... (she had problems with her ovaries so it was really hard) I just feel like god is slapping me in the face with all this. The dream of my life was for our family to grow. I just thought we'd be broken up a few weeks or months and get back together but now this... I'm in such disbelief over everything right now... I feel numb really. I consider her daughter mine and the idea of her starting a family with a guy she barely knows just turns my heart into a stone. In my mind & heart I cannot let that child go... I raised her and she calls me daddy and you know what I am her dad 100% in my mind, heart & soul. I'm a little lost to say the least and I'm happy I have this forum to let things out a bit because I really need to. I also would like to thank whoever read this because I do appreciate your time and you must think I'm crazy but I'm really not. I really believe this woman is the love of my life and her daughter IS my life.
d0nnivain Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 I'm sorry for all that you have been through but you have to let go of this woman & her child. As much as you love the child, she is not yours. You have no claim to her & your continued presence in her life is confusing. The more you stay in contact with your EX even casually the longer & harder your own road to healing will be. If you are not already in therapy for your depression get a therapist sooner rather than later. But for now block this EX from your life -- no calls, no texts, and NO social media. It's the only way you will ever heal.
Author Thomas31 Posted December 16, 2015 Author Posted December 16, 2015 I'm sorry for all that you have been through but you have to let go of this woman & her child. As much as you love the child, she is not yours. You have no claim to her & your continued presence in her life is confusing. The more you stay in contact with your EX even casually the longer & harder your own road to healing will be. If you are not already in therapy for your depression get a therapist sooner rather than later. But for now block this EX from your life -- no calls, no texts, and NO social media. It's the only way you will ever heal. How do people just walk away from a child though? It's a concept my brain can't really grasp. Like I said in my post, I raised this child as my own for 90% of her life so far, how can I just walk away from that? My heart beats for this kid.
Author Thomas31 Posted December 16, 2015 Author Posted December 16, 2015 By the way thank you for the reply, I really appreciate the fact that someone is listening to me at the moment. Obviously the last few days since I've learn about this have been really rough on me.
Diezel Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 The fact that this has happened all so quickly... tells you a lot about her, doesn't it? Time to take off the rose-colored glasses. Time will help you heal but you need to allow it. You will find someone else to start a family with, just as she seemingly has done.
Thatmixedotaku Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 I am truly sorry.....your situation is truly a heart breaking one , i know how you feel about this child, however , she is not yours like an earlier poster said, no matter what you feel for her . The mother made a choice and however bitter it is, that is a pill that must be swallowed . No Contact is truly the only way for you to heal .
Samhain Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 I'm not sure I agree with the whole "she's not yours and that's just how it is" way of looking at it. There's more to being a father than just being there at the conception and if you've raised a child for 7 years while the biological father isn't in the picture then you are her dad. She most probably feels that way too. You don't have many rights unfortunately, that really is the way of it, but if you could let go of your ex in a romantic way and speak to her and she's a reasonable person, can't you have a few hours a week where you could spend some time with the daughter? It doesn't seem fair on her or you to just yank her away and introduce another guy as daddy when you've invested emotionally and financially for 7 years.
Author Thomas31 Posted December 16, 2015 Author Posted December 16, 2015 I'm not sure I agree with the whole "she's not yours and that's just how it is" way of looking at it. There's more to being a father than just being there at the conception and if you've raised a child for 7 years while the biological father isn't in the picture then you are her dad. She most probably feels that way too. You don't have many rights unfortunately, that really is the way of it, but if you could let go of your ex in a romantic way and speak to her and she's a reasonable person, can't you have a few hours a week where you could spend some time with the daughter? It doesn't seem fair on her or you to just yank her away and introduce another guy as daddy when you've invested emotionally and financially for 7 years. This is why I'm thinking but the majority of the people who I talk with all have the other approach to just quit everything... I really dont understand how I could do that... Invested isn't even the word at the point were connected to one another. And I'm suppose to let that go? What kind of human being would I be if I did that. The other guy was indeed never in the picture and the in the first few words she's ever spoke was calling me daddy. I think people that suggest for me to go away for good never had kids... I just can't let go of that connection Maybe I'm being foolish here. Of course in my mind I would've been happy just to stay friends with her to see her from time to time, even if it's just driving her back from school or anything like that. But the low blow I'm receiving after dreaming of a bigger family for so many years and for that to happen right after our relationship ended, thats beyond betrayal, after that she tries to explain to me that I'm still her best friend? I'm totally aware that she's lost in space at this point. It might be a mid life crisis or something.
Author Thomas31 Posted December 16, 2015 Author Posted December 16, 2015 Once again thank you everybody for the replies... just to let these things out is helping me I believe It's just been so hard in the last few days and I've just been keeping to myself so talking about it, is definitely a start.
mightycpa Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 How do people just walk away from a child though? It's a concept my brain can't really grasp. Like I said in my post, I raised this child as my own for 90% of her life so far, how can I just walk away from that? My heart beats for this kid. In all those years, did you secure legal parental rights? No, I didn't think so. You have two choices now: Tell her mother that you want those legal parental rights, and see if you can get them. Promise that you'll be father to the daughter no matter what. If not, you walk away for the child's sake. Tell her that mommy decided you can't be daddy anymore, and tell her you love her and say goodbye. For all you know, this woman will leave the area and not give you any choices sometime in the future. Here's something else to think about if you gain some custody or visitation. This kid is going to have a sibling soon. That sibling is going to want to tag along sometimes, and is going to feel left out if you don't let him/her. You don't want to show your daughter this example of a splintered family that only cares for their own, do you? You're going to have to take both of them along sometimes. Prepared for that?
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