My boyfriend [23/M] and I [22/F] haven't spoken in 5 days after argument

[letmesleep]

'Josh' and I have been together for about 7 months, we see each other several times each week, get along great, have amazing chemistry. I've never fallen as hard for somebody as I have with him. Both of us are at grad school and on top of that I work part time and Josh has plenty of hobbies that keep him busy- but we always make time to see eachother.

 

Josh has depression which is not something he likes to talk about, and only something he let me know about after we had a little blip a couple of months ago. Because of this I guess usually when something bothers me I try not to get angry, or I try and approach things open and honestly.

 

Because Josh's parents live out in Dubai he goes back there over the holidays. Last Tuesday I went round to his house and Josh, myself and his housemates had a big Christmas meal to celebrate and afterwards went out to a club. Everything was great and I ended up staying round his. In the morning he seemed a little distracted but I knew he had a lot to sort out before he went home so I said goodbye and we agreed to meet on the Thursday before he went home to exchange gifts.

 

I sent him a text that (Wednesday) afternoon asking if everything was okay, just because he seemed a little off this morning. I got no reply and assumed he was just busy- until later that evening I noticed he had been active on face book (he only ever uses it on his phone) and on top of that while he hadn't opened a snapchat I had sent him he had clicked and viewed the one on my story (silly, I know, but it really seemed like he was avoiding me). I sent him a second text asking if I'd done something to upset him and he replied immediately that 'I'm just busy with other stuff right now. Left my phone at home all day'- I pointed out that that couldn't really be true, and that if there was a problem I'd rather he told me than intentionally ignore me or there would be nothing I could do to sort it and he didn't reply.

 

The next day (Thursday) came and I figured he probably was busy with packing so I'd wait for him to text me about exchanging presents like we had agreed and give him a little space to cool off. It got to 8:20pm and I still hadn't heard anything so I sent him a message saying "Hey, did you still want to exchange presents tonight? xx". He responded with "I can't I'm too busy". No sorry, no kisses, short and blunt. I replied that I hated the thought of not seeing each other even for five minutes before he left for three weeks, he just responded 'I don't have time'. I then offered to bring it round to his house, and said I didn't want any kind of argument especially since it was christmas and it's the time you let people know how much they mean to you. He responded with 'no its fine i don't have time I'm busy with other things right now'. I told him I understood he was busy, I was too (one of my closest friends had had a heart attack at the age of 24 the night before, he was okay but I'd been visiting him all day at the hospital) but couldn't he put aside five minutes since I wouldn't see him in three weeks. He responded 'stop trying to make me seem like a monster because i have other things I need to do'. I told him I didn't think he was a monster, I loved him and that I just hated the idea of leaving things over christmas like this because we'd both feel crap. I told him I've always been understanding when he's been busy, and I've never tried to interfere or stop his hobbies or his work and it was a little unfair to suggest that. He sent a final message saying 'just STOP it. you're being so selfish. I have work to finish for tomorrow and haven't started packing why can't we just do things after xmas? you're pestering me even though i've just told you loads of times I'm doing other things right now. it's just getting ing ridiculous.'.

 

I'm wondering if part of the issue was the gift giving itself. I know at the christmas dinner he said he felt nervous about his gift because he didn't think it was any good, and that he thought I might be disappointed. His friends were even mocking him about it and he said he was already pre-planning 'making it up to me'. He had half suggested giving it to me then to 'get it over with'. So I'm not sure what to make of that. Especially as I spent ages picking a thoughtful gift I knew he'd love (I bought him his favorite teams football which had been signed by some of the players in a charity auction a few weeks ago).

 

I was really upset. What upset me the most was that if he had let me know in advance, or said sorry, it wouldn't have been a bit issue. But if I hadn't have texted him he would have bailed on the plan we had already made to meet and exchange gifts without so much as an explanation or an apology- I would have been left sitting there not knowing what was going on and then gone away for three weeks. It also upset me that he snapped 'why can't we just do things after xmas' because he hadn't suggested that AT ALL. All he said was no I'm busy without making future arrangements.

 

I should also add that during the exchange I tried to call him twice so we could speak properly about it and both times he rejected mt call. I've also been really open with him in the past about his depression if he's having a bad day or needs some space just to let me know what's going on and I'll understand- but that it isn't okay just to ignore me because it makes me feel like I've done something wrong and it upsets me. That's why I'm kind of unsure if I upset him him in some way initially so he ignored me, or if he really was busy and having a tough time and I upset him by 'pestering' him in his words.

 

Now we haven't spoken since and I have not clue what to do. At the time I felt like I'd done nothing wrong but now I don't know if I should just apologize to keep the peace. It's horrible that he hasn't reached out and I don't know what to do- if I should reach out to him first or keep playing the waiting game.

 

I know we haven't broken up , he's the kind of guy who would be up front about it- and also I think he wouldn't have mentioned doing the gift thing after Christmas. But that kind of makes it more frustrating.

[d0nnivain]

Wow. He sounds like he's acting like an ass. I suppose it could be nerves re: his gift to you but that seems so petty in light of not talking / seeing you for 3 weeks over the holidays.

 

 

While I'm big on communication, confrontation is not my thing. In your shoes at that young age, I'd probably go home for the holidays seething & give you both space to cool off. When school resumed again, I'd be like WTF happened before Christmas break? You hurt my feelings & acted like an ass, plus you lied to me about not having your phone. What is going on?

 

 

If I didn't like the answer, and it didn't include a heartfelt apology, I'd have a new BF by Valentine's Day.

 

 

At my age, now, I'd be more direct. Since you are leaving for 3 weeks & can't find the time to spend 5 minutes with me even though I offered to come to your house and help you pack, that tells me more then words how you feel. Under the circumstances, I hope you can return my gift because we're done. I fully expect to be kissing someone else at midnight on NYE.

 

 

BTW, I'm sorry about your friend & hope he feels better. Any change your BF is reacting to the fact that you were at that guy's bedside?

Edited December 16, 2015 by d0nnivain

[letmesleep]

Hey, thanks for the reply!

 

I'm pretty sure it wasn't to do with my friend- he didn't know about it until I mentioned it in our text exchange. Honestly it really upset me he accused me of trying to 'make him seem like a monster' once I told him. I would never try an exploit something so awful, I just mentioned it to let him know I'd had a hard day and I didn't want to fight.

 

 

Honestly I'm similar to you, I'm pretty good at communication but in a situation like this where it has to be confrontation I don't know how to approach things. I've not heard a word from him and I'm not sure if I should contact him or not- and if I do what it is I even want to say. Or if I should just let things continue without any contact at all.

Really I just wish I could forget the whole thing, but I know that's just me being a pushover. And I'm just desperately disappointed he hasn't reached out to me at all.

[Mauve]

Seems veryyy weird that he was suddenly distant specially if everything was going well beforehand.

 

I don't think anyone could give you a clear explanation of why he's like that.

 

But for the time being I think going into No Contact is best, if you've never heard of it, give it a google. Basically don't try contact him at all for the next month (even after he gets back), no stalking social media etc.

 

It gives you both time to clear your heads and makes him realize you're not going to sit and wait on him. Some people might disagree with me but I honestly think this is the best solution, after a month give him a little message and see how he responds. Part of the no contact rule is, even if he messages you, don't reply. But I think that's entirely up to you since I personally think not replying can make or break certain relationships.

 

It will be hard but it won't do anymore damage than what is already done.

[bathtub-row]

Instead of persistently pursuing the topic the way you did, you should've addressed his inconsiderate behavior. First, he knew the two of you had plans and he said nothing about postponing them. You were far too accommodating and should've spoken your mind right away. And calling him a second time when he rejected your call the first time? Again, you're way too accommodating. I would've perhaps called him once. If he rejected the call, then that would've been the end of the conversation.

 

Personally, I think this guy has you dancing on eggshells about his depression or whatever else his problem is. He sounds rude, if you ask me. And you need to stop being his mommy and start expecting him to act like an adult, and to start respecting you. Depression doesn't give him license to treat you rudely.

 

What do you do next? Nothing. You let him come to you and apologize. Then you think about whether you want to forgive this or not. But the first rule to make with him is that in the future, it is not ok to ignore your texts or phone calls. If you don't require him to respect you, then he never will. Stop making excuses for him.

Edited December 16, 2015 by bathtub-row

[hippychick3]

^^^^exactly!

 

OP, you teach people how to treat you. His behavior towards you is unacceptable.

 

From the moment he ignored you on Wednesday, you should have been pissed. And, when he decided to cancel on you Thursday without even talking to you about it....I would have never contacted him again. No one is that busy for someone they care about.

[letmesleep]

Thanks bathtub, I think I actually needed to hear that

 

I think both you and Mauve are right in that I shouldn't sit and wait on him. If he does decide to apologize then I'll see how I feel about things then.

 

I do definitely let him get away with more than I should, it's hard because I try to draw a line between being sensitive to the real issues he has and letting myself getting walked over.

 

The thing is that I'm not convinced he will apologize, he very rarely apologizes for things- and if he was going to wouldn't he have done it by now? Why would he wait so long when he knows I was upset?

[bathtub-row]

You're welcome!

 

First of all, if this is the way he's going to be, then you should think very seriously about being in a relationship with him. So, I'm assuming he left the country without even saying goodbye to you? Completely unacceptable.

 

If you intend to stay with this child, then the first thing you need to do is come up with a response when he gets depressed. Just say, "Ok. I can tell you're not in a place to talk or be social so I'll leave you to your thoughts." Or don't say anything. Then go off and do something else. Just because he has issues doesn't mean you have to allow disrespect. Not ever.

 

If he bothers to rear his head at Christmas to wish you a Merry Christmas, don't respond to him right away. And if there's no apology prior to that, then just say thanks and go silent. If he doesn't wish you a Merry Christmas at all, then stop talking to him completely. Better yet, break up with him the next time you see him.

 

If this is a guy who rarely apologizes, then I'll just tell you my thoughts on this. I think he's very immature, bordering on abusive type behavior. I don't care how nuts you are about him, you'll truly regret spending your life with someone like this. I promise you.

[letmesleep]

Yes he left without saying goodbye. He hasn't said a word to me since, and I haven't contacted him either because really I don't feel like I should have to.

 

On reflection I think how he acted was brought on by pressure- work, preparing to go abroad, being unsure of the present and perhaps feeling that would cause tension before he left. But regardless he didn't need to take it out on me or be a jerk in how he communicated things. It wasn't my fault and I hadn't done anything wrong. I think you're right in that he can be immature, and I think instead of communicating what he was thinking he lashed out at me which was totally uncalled for.

 

I wasn't trying to hijack his night or stop him attending to other things he needed, I just wanted to say good bye, give him a kiss and give him his gift- which had been our agreed plan. We only live a ten minute walk from one another so it would have been no bother at all.

[Mauve]

Yes he left without saying goodbye. He hasn't said a word to me since, and I haven't contacted him either because really I don't feel like I should have to.

 

On reflection I think how he acted was brought on by pressure- work, preparing to go abroad, being unsure of the present and perhaps feeling that would cause tension before he left. But regardless he didn't need to take it out on me or be a jerk in how he communicated things. It wasn't my fault and I hadn't done anything wrong. I think you're right in that he can be immature, and I think instead of communicating what he was thinking he lashed out at me which was totally uncalled for.

 

I wasn't trying to hijack his night or stop him attending to other things he needed, I just wanted to say good bye, give him a kiss and give him his gift- which had been our agreed plan. We only live a ten minute walk from one another so it would have been no bother at all.

 

You weren't hijacking his night. That whole length of time he spent texting you and arguing with you about how you were being inconsiderate that he was busy, he could of spent that time with you actually popping into his house for 5 minutes to say goodbye.

 

He seems like he needs to do some growing up. None of us can say what's going on in his head.. Maybe he's second guessing the relationship, maybe he is hoping not talking to you will excuse his action if he were to sleep with someone else while you were away (the whole 'we were on a break!') or maybe he wants some more time to get a better present.

 

The point is, we don't know. Only he does, so this is in his hands from now on. Don't message him, let him message you. And if he doesn't? His loss. You seem like a great person to have as a partner. Don't let what's happened with this fool doubt yourself.

 

Stay strong and goodluck!