Dealing with wife's affair.

January 30, 2016

So do those things that B.H. gave many examples of but don't then turn around - figuratively or literally - to see how she's reacting. You're not doing it to get anything from her, so you don't need to know what she thinks about it. If you do it to get a reaction from her, it's not the '180.'

January 30, 2016

By NS
If my wife is not giving me 100% of what I need, should I even refuse the 30% of what she is giving me?

When are you going to focus on ONLY YOU?

If the 30% will HELP YOU then for now take it!

e.g. Should I ask her to move out of the bedroom until she is capable of giving me 100% of what I need?

Do whichever will help you

Should I ask her to stop fixing me coffee in the morning?
Should I ask her to stop fixing me lunch?
Should I refuse to connect by "superficial" means, like playing a board game, or watching a movie with her?

Should I explicitly show her that I don't want her in my life? (until and if the reconciliation is working in the way I need it to work)

You questions above prove that you are still trying to force her to give you 100% instead of you concentrating on ONLY YOU

You are so afraid of losing her you are compromising from a position of weakness. RUN RUN RUN to IC and all others so that you will not be so indecisive and take the right actions so that you can give yourself some strength. In addition that will also give your wife an example of a man that is not going to settle for 30%. That may even have the effect of your wife making a solid decision to go 100%. When you get stronger you will be able to help your wife if that is what you both want. If that does not do it then your marriage is dead.

You getting stronger with your ‘personal healing” will benefit you greatly if you R or D!

January 30, 2016

I agree with this...BUT...

I'll remind everyone that NS's reaction to her doing just that - the crying, begging, pleading, the hysterical bonding, the filming - was to go, and stay, overboard emotionally. Basically, he freaked her out. She did what you guys are saying for three months, and then she bailed because nothing was changing. He was still freaking her out. So she went to another room to regroup.

And he's still doing it to this day.

NS, my advice for you is to move out, start attending IC at least once a week, and get a handle on your emotional extremes. Focus on THAT. Your marriage can wait. Fix you.

You're right. When the former wayward has done all that you've asked, you can't reject their efforts or give mixed signals. That's why most professionals when you read an infidelity self-help book will advise people to behave in ways that promote reconciliation, even if the decision to stay together isn't poured in concrete yet. It's a "let's not compound the damage" approach.

Having already done just that, compounded the damage... I think the OP needs to make a decision as to whether he's going to TRY for reconciliation or whether he's just done with the marriage. He might very well need to be out on his own for awhile to do that, I don't know.

Typically, a temporary separation increases the odds that the separation will become permanent though. He should know that going in.

In terms of IC, I have to wonder if someone trained in EMDR or EFT might help get his anxiety under control a little faster; not easy to find trained therapists though.

January 30, 2016

So do those things that B.H. gave many examples of but don't then turn around - figuratively or literally - to see how she's reacting. You're not doing it to get anything from her, so you don't need to know what she thinks about it. If you do it to get a reaction from her, it's not the '180.'

Exactly. The OP would be wise to understand that if he chooses the 180, it's solely for his own sake and for emotionally distancing himself from the marriage.

For reconciliation, I think the Gottman approach of turning toward your spouse is better. But for divorce and separation, the 180 can be very useful for breaking the habit of emotional dependence.

January 30, 2016

The Gottman Approach of turning toward your partner is very specific and explicitly advocates that the WS be remorseful, listen to the betrayed as they process their pain, and share passwords. https://www.gottman.com/blog/askgottman-affairs-answers/

Agreeing to have a lot of sex and make videos is an attempt at rugsweeping the destruction, not an attempt at true reconciliation, which is what NS's wife seems to have done in the first months. When that didn't work, she took away the sex and videos and he was left with only the unremorseful wayward she had been all along. Even the Gottman Approach sees this as highly problematic, so you cannot turn toward your spouse. They do NOT recommend turning toward an unremorseful wayward. No good counselor would.

NS really has no choice but to focus all of his efforts on himself. He does not need to be cruel to his wife--that is not the 180. He needs to, however, stop seeing himself as part of a couple because the type of coupling she wants does not offer what he needs. Period. So he cannot believe he is in a couple because it is a mirage. The 180 will help him get centered and strong. We really only have ourselves in this lifetime, and once we make ourselves whole and competent, we hopefully find someone to share the journey with--maybe it will be his wife, and maybe it will be someone new. But he needs to get centered before he can do that.

January 30, 2016

The former wayward wife is not here to give us her side of the story. So projections into her motivations and emotional state aren't necessarily an accurate measure of her remorse or lack thereof. I think the OP would be wise to bear that in mind.

I've got no dog in this fight, so it doesn't matter to me what the OP chooses to do. I just don't think we can take Gottman off the table because the WS isn't remorseful to the degree that many strangers from the internet believe she should be. We've only got one half of the story.

January 30, 2016

I think this whole thread has been about saving the marriage, no matter what either of the two people is feeling or going through. And that's not healthy. People can survive without the marriage. People can move on, or grow and change, or even get back together. Focusing on saving the marriage is detrimental to both of them. And the hyperfocus on her and what she is or isn't doing, whether she's reaching the 'proper' level of remorse, is even more detrimental.

OP, try to reach a place where you realize you'll survive, with or without a marriage, ok? Stop focusing on keeping the marriage together at all costs. That is what's keeping you from healing. Fix YOU. Then go back and see if there's any relationship worth getting back.

January 30, 2016

So do those things that B.H. gave many examples of but don't then turn around - figuratively or literally - to see how she's reacting. You're not doing it to get anything from her, so you don't need to know what she thinks about it. If you do it to get a reaction from her, it's not the '180.'

I admit that even though there are elements of the 180 I had already started incorporating into my life, I seemed to always be looking over my shoulder to see what she was doing or how she was reacting.

I will stop doing that and try to imagine that I'm living my life alone, without her. Almost like she does not exist.

January 30, 2016

When are you going to focus on ONLY YOU?
If the 30% will HELP YOU then for now take it!

Do whichever will help you

You questions above prove that you are still trying to force her to give you 100% instead of you concentrating on ONLY YOU

You are so afraid of losing her you are compromising from a position of weakness. RUN RUN RUN to IC and all others so that you will not be so indecisive and take the right actions so that you can give yourself some strength. In addition that will also give your wife an example of a man that is not going to settle for 30%. That may even have the effect of your wife making a solid decision to go 100%. When you get stronger you will be able to help your wife if that is what you both want. If that does not do it then your marriage is dead.

You getting stronger with your ‘personal healing” will benefit you greatly if you R or D!

I AM still focusing on my own healing. There is a subtle difference. I will give you an example of what I mean.

In many countries, a beggar or homeless person refuses money if it is considerably less than what they expect a person to give them.

This is because it hurts their own self esteem to accept considerably less.

When they do this, they ARE thinking about themselves.

In addition, it maybe also for the reason that you later mentioned.... That is, sending a strong message to the person giving to them, that they have a certain minimum standard they accept and that they are not willing to take considerably less than that standard.

I'm asking these questions in both the above contexts. Since I have never been in a situation like this in Life, in which I feel like a "beggar" and my self esteem has been so badly damaged, I'm not easily able to tell if "not accepting the 30%" is going to be more beneficial or more damaging to me. Thats why I asked.

January 30, 2016

The Gottman Approach of turning toward your partner is very specific and explicitly advocates that the WS be remorseful, listen to the betrayed as they process their pain, and share passwords. https://www.gottman.com/blog/askgottman-affairs-answers/

Agreeing to have a lot of sex and make videos is an attempt at rugsweeping the destruction, not an attempt at true reconciliation, which is what NS's wife seems to have done in the first months. When that didn't work, she took away the sex and videos and he was left with only the unremorseful wayward she had been all along. Even the Gottman Approach sees this as highly problematic, so you cannot turn toward your spouse. They do NOT recommend turning toward an unremorseful wayward. No good counselor would.

NS really has no choice but to focus all of his efforts on himself. He does not need to be cruel to his wife--that is not the 180. He needs to, however, stop seeing himself as part of a couple because the type of coupling she wants does not offer what he needs. Period. So he cannot believe he is in a couple because it is a mirage. The 180 will help him get centered and strong. We really only have ourselves in this lifetime, and once we make ourselves whole and competent, we hopefully find someone to share the journey with--maybe it will be his wife, and maybe it will be someone new. But he needs to get centered before he can do that.

I will read more about the Gottman approach later today, but what thecharade is saying is 100% accurate. Me turning towards my wayward wife when I don't feel 100% remorse and support is actually even more damaging to me. My self esteem is falling lower and lower. I'm feeling even more hurt and pain.

In the first 3 months, it was different, because I DID feel that my wife was truly remorseful. I don't just mean the sex. I mean the willingness she was showing to be vulnerable, face her guilt and accept the role of a "rebuilder" (That is accept the responsibility of doing the heavy lifting).

I'm not denying that the sex videos may have had a negative impact or perception on my wife, but she seemed to be "going with" it. Later, when she told me that it was hurting her own self esteem, I complied with her feelings and deleted the videos. However, like you rightly observed, the other pieces of her support also disappeared, that is the true showing of remorse (in other ways), the true recognition on her part of the damage caused, etc.

So, I think the 180 may probably be a better approach for me, because I cannot sustain turning to my wayward wife and being given less than what I need to survive.

As ladyjane commented, turning to the 180 also seems like a one way street towards separation and divorce. It certainly feels that way to me, and may possibly feel that way towards my wife as well. I'm not sure if this is a true statement or just a perception that can later change for me and my wife?

January 30, 2016

The former wayward wife is not here to give us her side of the story. So projections into her motivations and emotional state aren't necessarily an accurate measure of her remorse or lack thereof. I think the OP would be wise to bear that in mind.

I've got no dog in this fight, so it doesn't matter to me what the OP chooses to do. I just don't think we can take Gottman off the table because the WS isn't remorseful to the degree that many strangers from the internet believe she should be. We've only got one half of the story.

Its hard for me too to say how remorseful my wife really is. That is an "inside" story, within my wife, which she obviously does not share with me. If she did share how remorseful she really is, I would know, because she would express it to me. Even if she really is very remorseful, she is only doing it for herself. If she included me in her thoughts, she would also understand that expressing her remorse is just as important as being remorseful. Therein lies the difference between a wayward spouse who takes the active role of a rebuilder (doing the heavy lifting) and one of just wanting everything to get fixed on its own (somehow and magically).

January 30, 2016

Well, you guys saw a therapist, and the therapist seems to agree that your wife has also been damaged and needs to also heal. So I take that as verification that she had a reaction to HOW you handled recovery and has since felt unsafe for whatever reason. If you read my posts, you'll see I almost never give the cheater a pass of any sort, but in this instance, given the prolonged and elevated amount of stress that YOU have been in, I'm inclined to push you to recognize that she, too, needs something in this case.

I know what it's like to be married to a man who is on a high level of emotion 24/7. It's draining. It's terrifying. It's soul crushing. Your whole life becomes all about waiting for his emotions to emerge, guessing what to do to keep them from overflowing, figuring out what to do once they do, and second-guessing your every step (walking on eggshells - look it up) so as to somehow change things. If I were a stronger person, I too would have moved to another bedroom, to avoid his sphere of influence and to get some peace. I've dreamed of it many times, just to get away from the emotion.

As much as I think she should try to help you heal by being transparent, etc., I think you too have a responsibility to own what YOU have done since this all started. And I don't see you doing all that much.

So, yeah, try the 180. Stop making this all about saving the marriage and making her be what you want her to be. Both are futile. I think you'll find once you go 180, a lot of this will resolve.

January 30, 2016

I think this whole thread has been about saving the marriage, no matter what either of the two people is feeling or going through. And that's not healthy. People can survive without the marriage. People can move on, or grow and change, or even get back together. Focusing on saving the marriage is detrimental to both of them. And the hyperfocus on her and what she is or isn't doing, whether she's reaching the 'proper' level of remorse, is even more detrimental.

OP, try to reach a place where you realize you'll survive, with or without a marriage, ok? Stop focusing on keeping the marriage together at all costs. That is what's keeping you from healing. Fix YOU. Then go back and see if there's any relationship worth getting back.

turnera, you are right in what you have observed. The focus atleast for me has been in saving the marriage, at all costs. I have to come out of that mindset.

The reason why I have had that mindset is because I have invested the best (the most youthful and energetic) 15 years of my life in this marriage, and that investment is a huge investment to just let go (in terms of the relationship, the possible dream, the kids and the finances).

If the marriage gets broken, I know that I would be worse off than a marriage that is made whole (and repaired). Hence the resistance.

I have to recognize that the marriage cannot be made whole or repaired under the current state of things (and the lack of support by my wife), so I have to rationalize clearly in my mind that I would be better off with a broken marriage than in a marriage that has not been made whole. That is what I need to work on, mentally and have the strength to choose the lesser of 2 immense pains.

Because they are both painful outcomes, I'm finding it hard to decide which is less painful and justify the effort required in jumping from one painful situation to another (Divorce is going to be a huge, painful, time consuming and damaging process: Financially and otherwise). So, it feel like I'm going to pay a big price, just to go from one pain to another pain.

This is all the basis of my resistance (right or wrong)

January 30, 2016

Its hard for me too to say how remorseful my wife really is. That is an "inside" story, within my wife, which she obviously does not share with me. If she did share how remorseful she really is, I would know, because she would express it to me. Even if she really is very remorseful, she is only doing it for herself. If she included me in her thoughts, she would also understand that expressing her remorse is just as important as being remorseful. Therein lies the difference between a wayward spouse who takes the active role of a rebuilder (doing the heavy lifting) and one of just wanting everything to get fixed on its own (somehow and magically).

This is not necessarily true. You're doing what Dr Harley calls a Disrespectful Judgment - meaning you are assigning what YOU think she is thinking to her actions and then making your own choices based on THAT, and not on what she is REALLY thinking. You have no idea if she's remorseful or not because she isn't SAYING anything! Go back to therapy with her and try to rein in your emotions enough so that she has a safe place to say what she's thinking and feeling. And THEN work off of what she's telling you.

Not everybody goes all prostrating them at your feet remorseful. Many people (myself included) are on guard 100% of the time, 24/7, even in the face of dire circumstances. That stuff comes from FOO, and no amount of pressure is likely to ever budge me off of that safety net of staying closed off. And yes, I'd walk away from my marriage before becoming 100% vulnerable to my H. Why? Because he is the source of most of my pain. Why would I prostrate myself in front of the person who has shown over and over that he'll use it against me?

I don't know y'all's history, but given that she has chosen to wall herself off, there's a chance that it's because of her history with YOU, not because she cheated. Note that I'm not blaming you for anything. I'm trying to get you to see that she's a human with human emotions, of which you know next to nothing, and if you want a wife who becomes transparent and feels safe around you to share her thoughts...be safe.

January 30, 2016

Being remorseful...means SHOWING REMORSE. There is no GUESSING, there is no SPECULATING.

If you cannot SEE remorse...it is because there isn't any.

I don't know your wife....I can't see the dynamics.

I am telling you...she is NOT remorseful.

She is sorry...she is sad...she is scared....she is angry....she is confused...

SHE IS NOT REMORSEFUL. IF she had remorse...she would be acting upon that remorse to correct things...not hiding in her room, talking on her phone, keeping her passwords. You would not be ASKING her to do anything. She would be doing them BECAUSE SHE IS REMORSEFUL.

Can you see the difference?

I ask JOHN ...what can I do for you? I don't hide in my room and say...I am dealing with my own pain...therefore I cannot help you with yours.

January 30, 2016

As ladyjane commented, turning to the 180 also seems like a one way street towards separation and divorce. It certainly feels that way to me, and may possibly feel that way towards my wife as well. I'm not sure if this is a true statement or just a perception that can later change for me and my wife?

There is no "seems like" or "feels that way" about it - the 180 is a one-way street toward separation and divorce. If this is not what you want then don't go there.

The 180 worked perfectly for me. I didn't know that it was called "the 180" I just went complete NC with my WW and started the divorce. When she begged me to give our marriage another chance 3 weeks later, it was all up to me. This wasn't my "strategy" - it was the path I chose and committed to. I made a mistake giving her another chance but that doesn't change the fact that it was 100% my choice. If I had the attempted R experience that you've been through when she came begging I would have spit in her face. But, of course, that would be 100% up to you at that point. I hope you can find the strength to walk away from her.

January 30, 2016

Being remorseful...means SHOWING REMORSE. There is no GUESSING, there is no SPECULATING.

If you cannot SEE remorse...it is because there isn't any.

I don't know your wife....I can't see the dynamics.

I am telling you...she is NOT remorseful.

She is sorry...she is sad...she is scared....she is angry....she is confused...

IMO, she may well BE remorseful, but she has decided that she has to protect herself first, and then consider helping you heal. Which is basically what the therapist said, and the therapist is there, not us.

I have great remorse over some things I've done, but it doesn't mean I would make myself vulnerable to right those wrongs. What I DO suspect is that she's just waiting for him to give up, so she can leave. She may feel (this is me DJing) that it just won't work out, that his inability to heal or work on himself has told her it will never work out, so she has given up. We really don't know, since she isn't here telling us what's going on in her head.

January 30, 2016

I absolutely disagree with you...she is NOT remorseful. She might be sorry...but she is not feeling remorse.

Being remorseful means taking on the pain of the one you hurt. It means placing them first...their pain, their needs, their wants, their desires.....You put them FIRST.

Trust me....I was sorry for thirty years....I was humbled....and I THOUGHT i was remorseful.

But until I truly felt remorse....I did not understand what it is.

This woman does not have a CLUE what remorse is......and her actions prove it. Now...you could be right...that she is waiting for him to leave...I cant begin to guess what she is thinking. But her actions say...she does not have remorse.

January 30, 2016

What I DO suspect is that she's just waiting for him to give up, so she can leave.

Bingo.

I think the reason this entire thread has been about saving the marriage is because that is only thing NS wanted to consider before. I agree that reconciliation is not always best option. If it's not based in honesty and a genuine willingness to try, it's often worse emotionally for both parties involved.

January 30, 2016

I have been through lots of IC and MC, not because I need it more than others but because I like to work on problems and am not afraid to ask for help. My almost exH has now been in IC for three years, as well. I feel like I bring a lot of experience to the table when I talk about working on marital issues because I have been doing it off and on for 20 years. My H and I have a very amicable, compassionate relationship no matter what--whether we finalize our D or reconcile, or whether we remarry down the line or not. We have worked on ourselves as individuals first and as part of a couple second.

All that said, if someone is broken individually, they will not and cannot contribute to a healthy marriage. It sounds as if both people in NaivelySensitive's marriage have work to do, but . . .

You cannot participate in unhealthy actions to help bring unhealthy people back. Therapists only advocate healthy behaviors to bring about change, which is why so many are telling NS to heal himself and get strong and remember who he is.

If he is indeed too needy, he needs to heal himself.

If his W perceives that as moving away from her, THAT demonstrates a lack of solid emotional health on her part. Healing yourself is a non-threatening action in a healthy relationship. If his W feels unsafe because NS cannot "get over" his feelings, that also demonstrates a lack of strong core emotional self on his wife's part. If she feels confident in who she is, she would not need to shut him out because it was too upsetting to her. It was only a few months!

Not sure I am making sense, but asking NS to suck in bad feelings is not healthy for him. Should all of his feelings be directed at his wife? Maybe not, so he should work on his core self-esteem. But he should not turn "toward" someone because THEY feel unsafe or vulnerable when HE is the one that has been victimized by this betrayal. It would feel like selling his soul, and eating that grief would have a corrosive impact on his inner self. There is nothing that reduces you more than begging your abuser to validate you after they have abused you. I know because I have done it.

All of us need to operate from a strong, dignified, respectful place, and that begins by respecting ourselves and how we allow others to treat us. When we insist that others treat us with dignity or we remove ourselves from the situation or relationship, they end up valuing us as they should or moving along. And when they value us, they then value themselves more for rising to the occasion. And if they move along, we see them differently and realize how wise we were for drawing our line.

I can see no therapeutic value in recommending that NS open himself further to his W. None. He has only had two MC appointments, and it takes a very long time to fully understand a couple's dynamic. But most people see infidelity as a form of abuse, and implying that NS may be ruining his reconciliation chances because HE is making his abuser feel badly is--frankly--disturbing to me.

He does not need to file for a D or be cruel or immediately separate while he regroups and finds his center and remembers his own worth, essentially using the 180 to remember who he is. But he should not open himself up to his W. She has abused him and disrespected him, and making overtures will feel wrong, wrong, wrong in his gut.

If getting himself centered causes his W to file for a D, then that is because she is very broken. Not because he made her feel bad.

January 30, 2016

thecharade....I agree with you...and most people on this thread have told him over and over again to seek individual therapy...not couples therapy...for that very reason.

He needs desperately to feel better...and she obviously is not ready in any way shape or form to assist him in that endeavor.

I think she needs therapy as well....but she is not here...he is...so the only person I am concerned about is NS.

I don't know if divorce is right...or if reconciliation is right...and neither one has to be decided right now.

Separation may need to happen ...if for no other reason...so he can live on his own without constantly thinking about her needs instead of his own. She probably won't care...since she lives in her own room....her only concern may be money....not NS's well being.

I hope he does what is best for him...I hope he can do it

January 30, 2016

All,

This thread show the real danger of staying on one place and not doing anything. The fundamental issues remain, and both just keep being damaged. It would be better if he or she did something, anything to break this situation. Him or her getting mad and walking out, filing for divorce, trying, something, anything to try and reconcile. In stead they both stay where they are, both in pain and I see them staying that way.

The path is open, TAKE action. Try IC, try MC, file for divorce, move out, kick her out, but do not just stay the same and relive over and over the same day, weeks, months. If NS is to move on and heal from this he first must step up and take responsibility for his own actions, or lack of actions, and ultimately his own life and happiness.

At this point, I would like to see NS do anything, that is legal and moral, to move beyond where he is at. Several paths have been discussed, pick one. Staying put is not helping him.

NS as always I wish you luck, but remember, luck is always with the ones who do.

Edited January 30, 2016 by understand50
Spelling spelling......

January 31, 2016

I have been through lots of IC and MC, not because I need it more than others but because I like to work on problems and am not afraid to ask for help. My almost exH has now been in IC for three years, as well. I feel like I bring a lot of experience to the table when I talk about working on marital issues because I have been doing it off and on for 20 years. My H and I have a very amicable, compassionate relationship no matter what--whether we finalize our D or reconcile, or whether we remarry down the line or not. We have worked on ourselves as individuals first and as part of a couple second.

All that said, if someone is broken individually, they will not and cannot contribute to a healthy marriage. It sounds as if both people in NaivelySensitive's marriage have work to do, but . . .

You cannot participate in unhealthy actions to help bring unhealthy people back. Therapists only advocate healthy behaviors to bring about change, which is why so many are telling NS to heal himself and get strong and remember who he is.

If he is indeed too needy, he needs to heal himself.
If his W perceives that as moving away from her, THAT demonstrates a lack of solid emotional health on her part. Healing yourself is a non-threatening action in a healthy relationship. If his W feels unsafe because NS cannot "get over" his feelings, that also demonstrates a lack of strong core emotional self on his wife's part. If she feels confident in who she is, she would not need to shut him out because it was too upsetting to her. It was only a few months!

Not sure I am making sense, but asking NS to suck in bad feelings is not healthy for him. Should all of his feelings be directed at his wife? Maybe not, so he should work on his core self-esteem. But he should not turn "toward" someone because THEY feel unsafe or vulnerable when HE is the one that has been victimized by this betrayal. It would feel like selling his soul, and eating that grief would have a corrosive impact on his inner self. There is nothing that reduces you more than begging your abuser to validate you after they have abused you. I know because I have done it.

All of us need to operate from a strong, dignified, respectful place, and that begins by respecting ourselves and how we allow others to treat us. When we insist that others treat us with dignity or we remove ourselves from the situation or relationship, they end up valuing us as they should or moving along. And when they value us, they then value themselves more for rising to the occasion. And if they move along, we see them differently and realize how wise we were for drawing our line.

I can see no therapeutic value in recommending that NS open himself further to his W. None. He has only had two MC appointments, and it takes a very long time to fully understand a couple's dynamic. But most people see infidelity as a form of abuse, and implying that NS may be ruining his reconciliation chances because HE is making his abuser feel badly is--frankly--disturbing to me.

He does not need to file for a D or be cruel or immediately separate while he regroups and finds his center and remembers his own worth, essentially using the 180 to remember who he is. But he should not open himself up to his W. She has abused him and disrespected him, and making overtures will feel wrong, wrong, wrong in his gut.

If getting himself centered causes his W to file for a D, then that is because she is very broken. Not because he made her feel bad.

I agree with all of this except that my recommendation (and that's all it is - one person's opinion) is that filing is an action that demonstrates definitively that he has a healthy boundary and it's an action that demonstrates it to both of them.

I also think it puts an end to this fence-sitting. They will both be forced to move forward - one way or the other.

January 31, 2016

In my own situation, my H never took me seriously until the day I handed him a piece of paper. It said, "Your bills . . . My bills . . . " I watched him read the list. Then I told him that my parents had agreed to let me move in for a while. It ALL changed when he saw that I was done, had a plan, was putting the plan into motion, and was calm. After many years of me complaining and crying, he threw the laptop at me and essentially melted down. It was like watching a wild animal. He swore and cried, "WHAT?!!!! What do you want me to do????!!!!" He was furious, smoke coming out of his ears. THAT was how he reacted to the pain of having to change himself! But, that was what it took.

January 31, 2016

you sound very strong!!! and i think what you did may be exactly what NS needs to do.

My john never had to do that...thankfully.....I was ready to try to do whatever he needed. I did not do it right....I made a lot of mistakes....but I was willing.

This is the part that bothers me the most about NS's wife. She doesn't seem to be WILLING. So maybe you and Tunera and several others are right....he needs to scare the **** out of her.

Sign In

Dealing with wife's affair.

Recommended Posts

merrmeade

Mr Blunt

Ladyjane14

Ladyjane14

thecharade

Ladyjane14

turnera

Naively.Sensitive

Naively.Sensitive

Naively.Sensitive

Naively.Sensitive

turnera

Naively.Sensitive

turnera

Mrs. John Adams

drifter777

turnera

Mrs. John Adams

OneLov

thecharade

Mrs. John Adams

understand50

BetrayedH

thecharade

Mrs. John Adams

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...