Dealing with wife's affair.

[dreamingoftigers]

I cried everyday for over a year.

 

I was very heartbroken and losing the man and marriage I thought I had was quite devastating. I often cried privately and if my husband discovered me, he would freak out.

 

However, instead of being supportive in the least, my husband often freaked out telling me it was "manipulative" or just to make "him feel bad."

 

Frankly, it WAS my coping skill. It was how I processed the grief. And there was quite enough of that, on top of being judged for it. PLUS I also had a BABY that year, the hormones only served to compound that.

 

In brief, he was a real jerk back then that lacked any empathy at all. And frankly, the "get over it" spouses often seem to be the ones that lack coping skills, or else they would be able to cope with the spouse's grief over their own betrayal.

 

There shouldn't have to be a "meet in the middle" after you've ripped someone's heart out. That's on you, completely.

[Naively.Sensitive]

I agree. NS, are you willing to do this or are you going to keep making excuses?

 

I thought that you learned to stand up for yourself but it looks like you have gone back to hand wringing and codependence.

 

As I mentioned earlier, I don't think that continued trust is my major issue.

I don't think that I "completely" mistrust my wife, that she is likely to have another affair. That is why this has not been on the top of my list.

Also, it is highly unlikely that her sharing her passwords is going to rid me of ALL my mistrust anyway. How easy is it to "begin" a new email address or to delete the history of conversations on a phone?

How easy is it to just never communicate with someone, yet meet that person secretly, setting up "next" meetings through pigeon mail?

Transparency and honesty of feelings and communication with me is certainly more important to me than transparency with passwords. Honestly, it might even be counter productive for me, because I may feel the urge to keep checking her emails and devices. My point is that this is not the most important thing for me.

 

What HAS been on the top of my list however, has been the need for her to truly understand how badly I have been damaged and the need for her support in my recovery. This is something I expect (in the present and future tense) from my wife.

[Southern Sun]

I cried everyday for over a year.

 

I was very heartbroken and losing the man and marriage I thought I had was quite devastating. I often cried privately and if my husband discovered me, he would freak out.

 

However, instead of being supportive in the least, my husband often freaked out telling me it was "manipulative" or just to make "him feel bad."

 

Frankly, it WAS my coping skill. It was how I processed the grief. And there was quite enough of that, on top of being judged for it. PLUS I also had a BABY that year, the hormones only served to compound that.

 

In brief, he was a real jerk back then that lacked any empathy at all. And frankly, the "get over it" spouses often seem to be the ones that lack coping skills, or else they would be able to cope with the spouse's grief over their own betrayal.

 

There shouldn't have to be a "meet in the middle" after you've ripped someone's heart out. That's on you, completely.

 

I want to point out that I said he shouldn't have to meet in the middle. But I do believe he can't lay there like a wet blanket and refuse to accept any of his wife's overtures.

 

I believe being betrayed is HUGELY painful and cannot imagine having a baby on top of it, with the hormones coming into play. I'm not saying crying doesn't have its place in coping and grieving, of course. But you said you did it privately. I respect that. I get the sense that the OP does not do this. It's almost as if he needs to display it, to ensure everyone knows of his pain. There is something odd about that, and it can be unnerving to the other spouse...even when the other spouse is in the wrong.

[dreamingoftigers]

I want to point out that I said he shouldn't have to meet in the middle. But I do believe he can't lay there like a wet blanket and refuse to accept any of his wife's overtures.

 

I believe being betrayed is HUGELY painful and cannot imagine having a baby on top of it, with the hormones coming into play. I'm not saying crying doesn't have its place in coping and grieving, of course. But you said you did it privately. I respect that. I get the sense that the OP does not do this. It's almost as if he needs to display it, to ensure everyone knows of his pain. There is something odd about that, and it can be unnerving to the other spouse...even when the other spouse is in the wrong.

 

I didn't JUST do it privately. But even that did not make a difference. That was my point.

 

And honestly, in my vast vast life-experience I've found that people get to that point after being in deep pain, feeling very trapped in it and frustrated to the point of not feeling at all understood.

 

Often when I broke down in front of my H it was after something very hurtful was said, OR I assumed we were actually making a connection in some way and he would say something like "Are we done yet? Because I've been listening for 15 minutes now." So it would just undo everything. I would get this feeling of "oh okay, you're listening, caring giving me space to talk about it" and then that door would just slam. I had thought he was trying to show care towards me, but it was more like "yadda yadda yadda, I get it. You hurt. Now stop talking about it, my show is coming on." (Sometimes literally).

[JohnAdams]

As I mentioned earlier, I don't think that continued trust is my major issue.

I don't think that I "completely" mistrust my wife, that she is likely to have another affair. That is why this has not been on the top of my list.

Also, it is highly unlikely that her sharing her passwords is going to rid me of ALL my mistrust anyway. How easy is it to "begin" a new email address or to delete the history of conversations on a phone?

How easy is it to just never communicate with someone, yet meet that person secretly, setting up "next" meetings through pigeon mail?

Transparency and honesty of feelings and communication with me is certainly more important to me than transparency with passwords. Honestly, it might even be counter productive for me, because I may feel the urge to keep checking her emails and devices. My point is that this is not the most important thing for me.

 

What HAS been on the top of my list however, has been the need for her to truly understand how badly I have been damaged and the need for her support in my recovery. This is something I expect (in the present and future tense) from my wife.

 

If your wife is not willing to provide this most basic of requirement (passwords) then there is no hope for transparency or the remorse needed for you to recover.

[Southern Sun]

I didn't JUST do it privately. But even that did not make a difference. That was my point.

 

And honestly, in my vast vast life-experience I've found that people get to that point after being in deep pain, feeling very trapped in it and frustrated to the point of not feeling at all understood.

 

Often when I broke down in front of my H it was after something very hurtful was said, OR I assumed we were actually making a connection in some way and he would say something like "Are we done yet? Because I've been listening for 15 minutes now." So it would just undo everything. I would get this feeling of "oh okay, you're listening, caring giving me space to talk about it" and then that door would just slam. I had thought he was trying to show care towards me, but it was more like "yadda yadda yadda, I get it. You hurt. Now stop talking about it, my show is coming on." (Sometimes literally).

 

Well...that would be cry-worthy for me too

 

At the risk of starting a gender conversation, I'm going to put this out there. I know for ME, I think it just felt uncomfortable after a while for my BH to have emotional outbursts. It started to make me feel...unsafe. Not that he would do anything to hurt me. Just that, sometimes we as women look to our husbands as the protectors in the family. That may sound old-school, and perhaps we lost that right when we went and cheated. But that is still there, deep down. And when our husbands are losing it, crying, weeping, pouring out their stories to God and everybody as the OP has, falling apart in front of executives, things just don't feel very stable. Certainly in the early days after D-Day, it's expected. Hell, if my BH threw me out, it probably would have been more "comforting" in a way. Instead, I saw much of the above (and other things). Throwing me out, even if temporarily, would have indicated strength. The other things, when they go on and on, display weakness. It instills fear in a woman. I don't know, these are just my thoughts.

 

I mean, where's the firmness, NS? Your bottom line? I don't even see anything really concrete that she can live up to. It's hard to know exactly how "success" is measured here. It's kind of maddening.

 

So a BH "crying profusely" every day for nine months, with the only goal being, MAKE ME FEEL BETTER, versus a BW crying every day for a year (when provoked!!), those are just different animals to me.

 

JMHO

[dreamingoftigers]

I know it might be a gender stereotype. Iny family my mother was the stronger one and my Dad was kind of an emotional wreck (alcoholic, later cheated).

 

So I don't quite have the same male = strength/security template. But I get what you are saying.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I personally think he has every right to cry everyday....and she should HAVE to sit there and watch him.

 

It's her fault...she caused it..she needs to be aware of the pain she has caused. This woman is still focused on her own pain instead of his.

 

Infidelity is like a death...we all handle it our own way. If he wants to cry everyday for 5 years...then he should cry everyday for 5 years....and no one should tell him he is doing his grieving the wrong way....the way we would do it.

 

No...each of us grieves in his own way...and there is no right or wrong way. If we have a problem with it...then it is OUR problem...not his.

 

The last thing this man needs is to be made feel guilty because he is crying over his whole world being turned upside down.

[katielee]

I personally think he has every right to cry everyday....and she should HAVE to sit there and watch him.

 

.

 

me too. And cry in private? Why? How is this a sign of weakness? It's a sign of vulnerability, a strength, in my book.

I would want to be there for my husband to help him through it.

[remorseful_tab]

Another fWW here....

 

I feel bad to play the devil's advocate. But, but....even waywards are also human. And every human responds to positive and turns away from negative emotions from other people. Just as my mother says "Nobody wants to listen to mourning cries every day"

 

If you want to talk about anything that troubles you, thats okay. I am all for it. Hell I wish my husband did that.

 

But if you are going to bawl everyday while talking and repeating the same line over and over again, it gets tiresome. And on top of that, minimum action is being taken to prove any seriousness about the talks. So I can see where the OP's wife is coming from. I am not saying its wrong for OP to cry. All I am saying is maybe his wife will respond better if he can somehow pull himself up and starts taking actions about where he wants to go from here since the ****e has dropped and its been 9 months already.

 

Now my words are based on my experience where I encountered a completely different animal in that who was determined to not show an iota of hurt feelings to the person who hurt him (me).

 

I wish all the best to the OP for his future.

[Southern Sun]

I personally think he has every right to cry everyday....and she should HAVE to sit there and watch him.

 

It's her fault...she caused it..she needs to be aware of the pain she has caused. This woman is still focused on her own pain instead of his.

 

Infidelity is like a death...we all handle it our own way. If he wants to cry everyday for 5 years...then he should cry everyday for 5 years....and no one should tell him he is doing his grieving the wrong way....the way we would do it.

 

No...each of us grieves in his own way...and there is no right or wrong way. If we have a problem with it...then it is OUR problem...not his.

 

The last thing this man needs is to be made feel guilty because he is crying over his whole world being turned upside down.

 

Just offering up an alternative POV. We don't know what his WW is thinking. But we know what he's been doing hasn't worked.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I work in the funeral industry...yuck i know....

 

I have a favorite priest who tells every family....

 

We each have to grieve in our own way. No one has the right to tell another person how to grieve.

 

 

Besides...I don't think his grieving is the issue here.

[Southern Sun]

I work in the funeral industry...yuck i know....

 

I have a favorite priest who tells every family....

 

We each have to grieve in our own way. No one has the right to tell another person how to grieve.

 

 

Besides...I don't think his grieving is the issue here.

 

I agree, and didn't intend to make it the issue. I was trying to provide a possible reason for why his wife may be withdrawing from him. It's simply possible that she views him as unstable. Or maybe all the emotional outbursts are causing him to become unappealing in her mind. Or that his demands are impossible to comply with. I also tried to share with the OP reasons she may have moved into the other bedroom, based upon her perception of having been manipulated by the xMM and trying to work through that (right or wrong).

 

It is simply my opinion that the OP's extraordinarily emotional dealings with his wife may be hampering their ability to reconcile. He seems highly volatile.

 

The painful truth is - some people just can't reconcile. Some situations are too hard. This could be one of them. Only the OP and his wife know that.

[turnera]

Also, it is highly unlikely that her sharing her passwords is going to rid me of ALL my mistrust anyway. How easy is it to "begin" a new email address or to delete the history of conversations on a phone?

 

What HAS been on the top of my list however, has been the need for her to truly understand how badly I have been damaged and the need for her support in my recovery.

NS, this is exactly WHY we say that you must ask her for the passwords. Her giving them IS showing you that, despite her reservations (for whatever reason), she wants YOU to heal enough that she's willing to show that vulnerability. If you ask and she refuses, you have your answer. If you ask and she gives them to you, it is one step toward redemption and peace.

 

Have you even asked?

 

ETA: I'd like to add to Southern Sun's viewpoint. Some people cannot handle other people's extreme emotional stages. They just can't, for whatever FOO issues of their own. And let's be frank here: on an emotional scale of 1 to 10, NS has been at about an 11 for most of the time. If not more. My H gets extremely emotional about certain things and I frankly just can't deal with it; I have to walk away, because I'm not wired that way and seeing him become that way turns me into a tailspin of all kinds of emotions and I just have to shut down. He cuts his hand, and we'll go into a 4-hour-long diatribe of how it happened, why it happened, what it's going to do to him, will he ever heal, will it leave a scar, hyperventilating, over-dramatic gesturing and facial gyrations as if he's about to die, oh and of course how I'm not supportive enough by not crying over it with him. Not the same issue, but you can imagine how I'd want to be supportive but, after awhile, I just have to walk away.

 

I want his wife to be contrite and remorseful, too. But she IS a human, she DID try for three solid months to be what he needed...and yet it kept on coming, at what at least I consider a higher-than-average emotional level. And now he's falling apart in meetings?

 

I hate that he's hurting. But this level of pain, instability, lack of direction is not, and should not, rest solely on her shoulders. He needs to be getting professional help at the least, and possibly meds, to reach a point where he can operate on a daily basis. And if it turns out that being around her is what's spurring all this on, he needs to consider that they maybe should just call it a day.

Edited January 27, 2016 by turnera

[Naively.Sensitive]

NS - I can also relate to feeling taken advantage of by my xMM. He was also my boss. Lots of similarities. I felt manipulated, etc. But that was a phase, an anger period. He WAS manipulative at times in our relationship. But I had to get through that phase and do lots of self-reflection to fully admit to myself that I went into the affair of my own accord, participated voluntarily, and yes, developed feelings. I did not chase the affair (he pursued me). It happened, I owned it, I finally had to tell my BH there was no need to be more angry at xMM than me, when I had laid down in the same mud.

 

Her moving out of the bedroom could legitimately be her feelings of victim-hood. I actually did feel like a victim for a while. In fact, I had a very difficult time, knowing that I was a perpetrator in the eyes of my BH, but that I felt victimized by the xMM. Now whether this was legitimately TRUE is of no consequence to this discussion. I FELT it to be true at the time, and as we've said in this thread, feelings simply ARE. And that amounts to emotional abuse, when you've been through something like that, or when it feels as though you have. Perhaps now she is realizing she was not actually abused (liberal use of the word), she participated equally. But that takes time and processing, as it did for me.

 

She could also be confused about her feelings. Perhaps she fell in love, or thought she did. Now it is confusing to her because the MM tried to blackmail her. That is called "cognitive dissonance." Something she thought was "real" now proves itself not to be. Her world was turned upside down. It's not unlike how YOU felt when you discovered your wife was a cheater. Sorry, I hate to draw that comparison. Just trying to give you a window into what may have been happening in her mind once she realized everything with xMM was a sham. She could have had difficulty dealing with those complicated feelings - being used, manipulated, lied to, etc. Kind of like how you feel about her. Yet that's hard for her to explain, because she only feels that way because she cheated on you. So it's almost like she doesn't have a right to feel that way. She may have been trying to work through those feelings without burdening you. Make sense?

 

Finally, she may be withdrawing somewhat because you appear to be a bottomless pit of need. On top of all of her own difficulties (which, even though it's not "fair", she still has them), you are emotionally an absolute disaster and have been for a long time, with no end in sight. She may simply be overwhelmed.

 

I've been there.

 

My wife has used the phrase "cognitive dissonance" when she described what the psychologist told her (The initial individual therapist whom she saw, to find out what had "really" happened and why it happened).

She has described the feelings exactly as you have, using words like "sham", "manipulation" and "unreal".

She has also admitted that she "felt" like she was in love, but said that it was "orchestrated" by her affair partner boss to make her feel that way.

It IS true that she "feels" more like a victim than a perpetrator.

 

How long did it take you to "fully" recognize your full responsibility in the "choice" you had made? A few months? A few years?

What did it take for you to reach that true recognition? Did it take a certain behavior from your husband? Did it take a certain introspection and self discovery? Did it take reading a certain book? Did it take talking to your husband or counselors?

Basically, I do not even THAT from my wife. She still believes she was the victim in all of this.

[Southern Sun]

My wife has used the phrase "cognitive dissonance" when she described what the psychologist told her (The initial individual therapist whom she saw, to find out what had "really" happened and why it happened).

She has described the feelings exactly as you have, using words like "sham", "manipulation" and "unreal".

She has also admitted that she "felt" like she was in love, but said that it was "orchestrated" by her affair partner boss to make her feel that way.

It IS true that she "feels" more like a victim than a perpetrator.

 

How long did it take you to "fully" recognize your full responsibility in the "choice" you had made? A few months? A few years?

What did it take for you to reach that true recognition? Did it take a certain behavior from your husband? Did it take a certain introspection and self discovery? Did it take reading a certain book? Did it take talking to your husband or counselors?

Basically, I do not even THAT from my wife. She still believes she was the victim in all of this.

 

I would say I went through a period the first couple of months after the ending of the affair of just the typical stuff. Then I got mad...at the MM. I started re-playing in my mind everything that had happened, assigning blame, reading various books, websites, etc. That put some names and ideas in my head, which essentially led me to believe that he had some sort of character or personality disorder. Now, maybe he does, or maybe he has some characteristics of that type of thing. I can't diagnose anyone. Or maybe it's the awful affair situation that can really bring out the worst in people. It WAS a very manipulative situation. Mine truly was. But he never threatened me, my job, anything. He simply took advantage of our proximity and my total lack of boundaries, once I developed major feelings for the guy. But I even wondered if somehow THOSE were manipulated by him, during that time.

 

It took me maybe another 4 months to get past the anger at HIM, and accept my responsibility. I was seeing an IC the entire time and I think that helped. I was very open and honest with my BH about all of these feelings, while still trying to support him in his pain. It was very, very difficult. I felt, at the time, that I had been used. Sex was next to impossible, though we managed it anyway. I felt that I had been used as a sexual object by this MM for the length of our affair and I just couldn't do it anymore, regardless of the fact that it was with my loving husband. I felt that my body was broken. I just wanted it to be mine again.

 

Now I am sharing all of this from the perspective that while there were inappropriate behaviors exhibited by my xMM towards me, I no longer believe they were "abusive" or truly that he manipulated me in order to keep me in the affair against my will. However I have no idea what really happened in your wife's case. Your wife may really have been taken advantage of. Or...she may have just had an affair and now feels like she was taken for a ride. Or it could be somewhere in the middle, but even she hasn't worked it all out in her mind.

 

One thing that helped me is that, eventually, I was able to really talk to my BH about everything. Not in the beginning. But he later realized that it would help for him to really hear me, as much as I needed to really hear him. It seems you've said you don't really know how she felt during the affair, or maybe even how she feels now. Do you make her feel safe in talking to you? You might want to start there.

 

One book for her to read - The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck.

[turnera]

Basically, I do not even THAT from my wife. She still believes she was the victim in all of this.

I'd be willing to bet she really DOES take blame, but her defense mechanisms from FOO, whatever they are, are preventing her from overcoming them and being 100% open and honest about her feelings. Like she's scrambling to find a toehold that she can hang from without having to really bare all.

 

In most marriages I've seen on forums like this, the cheating wife rarely does do that unless she is faced with divorce. Or widespread exposure.

[Southern Sun]

I'm going to say something else that is probably going to be unpopular, but I think it merits some attention.

 

He was her boss. That means there was a power differential, and I know most people on this forum want to brush this under the rug, but if you do any research into this, you will see that there is such a thing as "abuse of power."

 

Yes, it was "consensual." But do you not think there was some undertone of, if you don't go along with this, I won't be happy with you anymore? I know for me, I was absolutely scared to death to disappoint or let down my ex-boss. How do you think that affected some of my initial decision points in getting into the affair? This probably has much to do with why she now feels she was "targeted" and then "manipulated." It is not completely and totally false. Think about it from the opposite perspective - can you imagine pursuing a relationship with an underling?

 

PLEASE do not take this as excusing a 4 month-long relationship. But this is very different than entering into an affair with some guy she met at her yoga studio. She barely even had to lie to see him. There was no effort to even make it happen. She just went to work.

 

I am telling you this to perhaps ease your heartache some. This IS a little different than the norm.

[Naively.Sensitive]

I'm going to say something else that is probably going to be unpopular, but I think it merits some attention.

 

He was her boss. That means there was a power differential, and I know most people on this forum want to brush this under the rug, but if you do any research into this, you will see that there is such a thing as "abuse of power."

 

Yes, it was "consensual." But do you not think there was some undertone of, if you don't go along with this, I won't be happy with you anymore? I know for me, I was absolutely scared to death to disappoint or let down my ex-boss. How do you think that affected some of my initial decision points in getting into the affair? This probably has much to do with why she now feels she was "targeted" and then "manipulated." It is not completely and totally false. Think about it from the opposite perspective - can you imagine pursuing a relationship with an underling?

 

PLEASE do not take this as excusing a 4 month-long relationship. But this is very different than entering into an affair with some guy she met at her yoga studio. She barely even had to lie to see him. There was no effort to even make it happen. She just went to work.

 

I am telling you this to perhaps ease your heartache some. This IS a little different than the norm.

 

I do recognize this. Honestly, that is one of the reasons I stayed and am trying to make this work. There was an abuse of power, no doubt. There was manipulation. If this was an affair where she had gone out to seek another man, I would not have stayed in this relationship from Day#1.

There is a small component of her being a victim here.

But ultimately, for lack of a better word, it was a "choice" she made. She could have made other choices, like telling me that her boss was trying to make advances towards her. She could have told me about the abuse of power, but she did not. Instead, she "fell for" (for lack of a better phrase) his seduction and made a conscious decision to commit the worst possible sin in a marriage. She broke marriage vows.

 

Now, I'm saying this.... Suppose this was not even an affair. Suppose I had been in a car accident and was disabled. Would she have helped and supported me during such a hypothetical calamity?

Should I have expected it?

Then, even if we disregard (for a moment) that I have been a victim of an affair (and instead, just been the victim of a really terrible calamity), then, why is she not able to support me 100%?

Now, add to the above hypothesis that SHE has caused this calamity. Would that not be MORE of a reason for her to feel responsible and participate 100% in helping me heal?

 

I understand the feelings she must be experiencing in which she is dealing with my emotional train wreck of a trauma, but why is her sense of self-defense overriding her guilt and empathy towards me? It seems like she has more a personality of selfishness than honesty, responsibility and compassion.

I could have given up my expectations from her, but I did not, because I'm still subconsciously resigned to the idea that I have made a serious marriage vow and if I need emotional support, love, remorse and sex, it should be from my wife and nobody else. She has not seemed to resign to the idea that she made certain vows too, to always be by my side "in sickness and in health", for better or worse.

[OneLov]

But this is very different than entering into an affair with some guy she met at her yoga studio. She barely even had to lie to see him. There was no effort to even make it happen. She just went to work.

 

I understand from your point of view how this would seem different. But with all due respect, I think this is counter-productive to NS's situation. He is understanding of his wife's vulnerabilities. But I just do not think the above statement would really help him come to terms with what his wife did.

 

I understand you are trying to help explain some of her behavior, and I agree with a lot of the points you made. I think if NS's wife were to take more blame than she should, he would immediately feel more inclined to understand some of her defensive behavior. I think the problem here is she does not even want to consider herself accountable for any of the choices she made.

[Southern Sun]

You're right NS. She should have told you. My BH said the same thing. Why did you not come to me immediately?! It was a mix of things for me. First, I simply didn't think the initial overtures were real. I thought I was misinterpreting them. By the time I realized what they were, I thought I could 'handle' it. Plus, I didn't want to lose my job. I loved my job. I was scared that telling my BH would mean quitting (and it probably would have...which, looking back, is probably the only way I could have avoided the affair, in my situation).

 

The other part was, I got curious. I was flattered. I kind of wanted to know what it felt like. I thought I could dip my toe into the affair "pond" and then yank it back out before anyone got hurt. I actually told myself I wouldn't do anything, let it go past mild flirting. But it felt good and part of me wanted to indulge it.

 

That's how these things gather steam. If you add any sort of apprehension or confusion or fear because of the boss thing...it gets even muddier.

 

You ask about her ability to comfort you, and compare it to some other calamity. I think the simple truth is, as others have said, she really does feel pain. Right or wrong in others' eyes, she feels she was hurt by someone she likely trusted. In my opinion, it's time for her to move forward. But people heal on their own time, and you really do have to choose what you can accept from her. What has she historically been like in your marriage? Is she generally a loving, giving person? Or has she always been more self-focused? Perhaps you are discovering she does not have the ability to reach out to you in your time of need. She is focused on her hurt. You can accept this from her or not, but you can't make her do anything.

 

If I were you, NS, I would meditate on what you really need for you to move forward. And then I would have a serious conversation with your wife and just lay it out there. It shouldn't be things like - I must have passionate sex where you perform like...Just what you need in your heart for a good, strong marriage. And ask her if she can give you those things. Then talk about how you work towards them. If she can't give them to you and admits this, then be grateful you know that now so you can find a better way to heal.

[Mrs. John Adams]

The bottom line is this... She is not being supportive.

It really does not matter why.

 

We can try to guess.. It does not change anything.

 

So ns.. What now?

 

We can make every excuse in the book for her behavior...

 

Do you accept her for who she is as she is?

 

Are you willing to continue in this relationship exactly as it is ?

 

Because she may never change.

 

Will you "settle"?

[ShatteredLady]

Just for the sake of insight & thought....

 

You used the example of you having a terrible accident. I've had many health issues & I can tell you...if you hurt yourself or get very sick your loved ones go all-out 100% to support & care for you. FOR A WHILE.

 

I had to have life saving emergency surgery. My Mum flew over from England for 10 days to help with the kids & the house because I was basically bedridden. My H cooked for the first time in 25 years!! The support was wonderful! It was a very hard time in my life.

 

After 10 days my Mum flew home again. My internal organs were still damaged from being septic. I was still in agony from the surgery. A couple of weeks later the surgeon created a 'gusher' removing one of my staples!

 

I still couldn't drive or bend & lift. I couldn't do all the things I usually do & it started to wear on my H. Although he was at work very long hours he still had to shop etc for me & I couldn't take part in big family things like Amusement Parks etc.

 

After a few months my H wasn't feeling 'special' or cared for & started an A.

 

I know it's an extreme example but I've experienced the dwindling care with spine degeneration & cancer. People are very concerned but have short attention spans!! If you don't get better. If you don't start giving at least as much as you receive from people they start to leave.

 

I've supported chronic pain patients for many years & it's a common phenomenon. We put a spin on it saying things like "You learn who your real friends are" but the truth is, as time passes, you learn that you're very alone in your pain.

 

Just saying "In sickness & in health" is one of the most commonly broken vows. Just look at the statistics!

[BetrayedH]

We each have to grieve in our own way. No one has the right to tell another person how to grieve.

 

 

Yep...you don't get to stab someone in the back and then complain about how long they're bleeding on the carpet.

 

The "get over it" theme is getting a little too pronounced in this thread. NS didn't ask for any of this and it's clear that, of anyone, he's the one that would most like for him to be over it.

 

I divorced and it still took me a good three years post Dday to regain my footing in the world. This guy is 9 months in and is still clinging to a wayward that is not transparent and concerned with herself. NS is doing his part by making any attempt to reconcile and by tolerating ridiculous notions in marriage counseling about the state of the marriage prior to the affair and statements like, "the details are never helpful."

 

I'm starting to believe that the WW in this situation is going to remain in her cowardly victim mode, do little (if any) of the lifting, and simply wait for her BH to either get over it or pull the plug himself (so she's not the bad guy). Gee, what a prize she is. Frankly, it's a common story around here.

 

The OP will come around when he comes around. Hopefully he won't lose his proverbial stuff like I did when the last straw gets loaded onto him. This crap is like a death from a thousand small cuts.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I can remember that the first 5 years were the hardest.....just like most experts say....2-5 years.

 

After that it mostly was a once a year DDay anniversary melt down.....for 25 years.

 

John "settled"....I was what I was.

 

And then three years ago he asked me to read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair....

 

and all the lights went off and i finally understood what he was looking for.

 

I am not saying your wife will never give you what you need....But until she is capable of giving you the remorse you are looking for...can you accept her just the way she is?

 

Can you close this thread....and accept your life the way it is?

Or do you remain here asking the same questions over and over....searching and searching for answers that will forever elude you...because you cannot change her to become what you want her to be.

She is what she is....do you want her?

She is what she is...is she enough?

She is what she is....do you love her?

 

That my friend is the bottom line