Dealing with wife's affair.

January 26, 2016

I disagree that she's "done nothing". She confessed the affair voluntarily, tolerated treatment for 3 months that most of us would find completely unacceptable if there weren't an infidelity involved, and THEN she withdrew.

I just think a repair needs to be made in order to recreate that safe space. If I walk a mile in this formerly wayward's shoes.. I don't know what to expect from moment to moment. No way I'm giving up my emotional support system if I'm thinking I might end up tossed out on my ass.

You're right that he can't control her actions. But he can control his own. If you're taming a stray cat, you put down a saucer of milk every day, same time, same place, predictable. You don't kick it every fifth time it comes to the saucer.

It's about being trustworthy. You can't choose whether someone else will be. But you can choose it for yourself.

The intent behind her confessing the affair is suspect. She was afraid of being blackmailed, so I'm guessing this was the best option FOR HER.

So, in my mind, she did not really confess for my benefit. It was for her benefit, because she probably could not continue to live in the anxiousness and stress of me finding out from someone other than her. I think she felt trapped and had no other choice.

I also disagree that she has done "nothing", however, again, I think that atleast part of what she did was because she was trying to protect her own emotional comfort of trying to make me stay in the relationship. I don't deny that there may also have been some component of feeling my pain and feeling responsible for it.

Overall, I feel that she has been trying to cater to her own emotional needs, mostly at my expense (The previous 6 months of her moving out is the primary example)

Comparing her to a stray cat is quite an unfair comparison, because she has a mind and can build an emotional intelligence to be able to understand how badly I may possibly be suffering in emotional pain and how I cannot even trust my own emotional state, let alone her. Anyone who has been cheated on would know the extreme pain that is experienced and the extreme roller coaster of emotions that one can possible feel.

This is the result of infidelity. This is reality. This is what she must face if she truly wants to reconcile. As I type this message I am not in extreme pain, so I'm intentional about NOT "kicking the saucer", but when I am in extreme pain, its NOT a choice to feel anything but the pain. Its extreme. This is what happens after infidelity. Expecting anything else is not normal. How long will my reactions last? I don't know, but her not giving her 100% is not going to make things better for the relationship. Its likely going to make the relationship even worse, with every passing week.

January 26, 2016

Ns

I want so badly for her to give you what you need, I wish there was a way to make her,

But it is not your fault....you are trying....this is once again on her,

It was her choice to cheat and it is her choice to alienate you instead of embracing you,

You are giving her every opportunity to make things right.

That's the best you can do,

Will she ever improve? I don't know. John waited a long time for me to give him what he needed.

That is the question for you friend... How long are you willing to wait?

January 26, 2016

BY: Naively.Sensitive
I admited to the counselor that although I had tried to independently heal, I had not been successful in that effort. I also explained to her why I felt that was so.
I explained to her that my entire idea of life (my dream) was of a wonderful relationship with a "disney princess", my wife, who would always be there for me, no matter what. I told her that I could not imagine my life with this dream continuing to be shattered.
The counselor tried to stress that perhaps I should try to imagine a "new dream", but I told her that I had tried to do that, but it was not possible for me.

Stop with the excuses and your dreams of a Disney princess!

The Disney princess is only at fantasyland in Disney world.

You can get better independently of your wife with the help of others. You are going to have to face your responsibilities to get yourself stronger without your wife because your wife has proven that she is not going to help you enough. You keep refusing to see reality and you keep yourself too concerned with pleading and crying for your wife to give you enough for you to get a lot better. She has not done so and you cannot wait and keep doing your method to see if she is going to help fix you. If you keep doing what you have been doing you will just get weaker and weaker.

Are you consciously or subconsciously using a lot of your time and energy trying to get your wife to help heal you when that is taking up your time and energy to do what you need to do right now?

Right now you need to get yourself stronger in many ways. You have been given the advice by several on this thread for you to seek IC for yourself many times but most of your posts are the same old thing. You seem like a leaner and are way too dependent on your wife for your emotional wellbeing and you seem to avoid what is needed most. Is that because you are too afraid to start doing the tough stuff to get yourself better so you look to your wife to do what you can do for yourself? If yes then you can get help for that. After you get stronger you can help your wife if you want.

I can understand you being emotionally devastated but after 9 months you should be building up your own emotional health. It would be great if your wife would do what has been posted many times in this thread by many posters but she HAS NOT!

You have a choice. You can continue to keep hoping for your wife to do what she needs to do to help you more or you can look at her actions and see the reality that you are going to have to help yourself more.

Which one are you going to do?

You are naïve and sensitive about your situation and your dream of a “Disney princess” is counterproductive for you at this time.

January 26, 2016

Stop with the excuses and your dreams of a Disney princess!
The Disney princess is only at fantasyland in Disney world.

You can get better independently of your wife with the help of others. You are going to have to face your responsibilities to get yourself stronger without your wife because your wife has proven that she is not going to help you enough. You keep refusing to see reality and you keep yourself too concerned with pleading and crying for your wife to give you enough for you to get a lot better. She has not done so and you cannot wait and keep doing your method to see if she is going to help fix you. If you keep doing what you have been doing you will just get weaker and weaker.

Are you consciously or subconsciously using a lot of your time and energy trying to get your wife to help heal you when that is taking up your time and energy to do what you need to do right now?

Right now you need to get yourself stronger in many ways. You have been given the advice by several on this thread for you to seek IC for yourself many times but most of your posts are the same old thing. You seem like a leaner and are way too dependent on your wife for your emotional wellbeing and you seem to avoid what is needed most. Is that because you are too afraid to start doing the tough stuff to get yourself better so you look to your wife to do what you can do for yourself? If yes then you can get help for that. After you get stronger you can help your wife if you want.

I can understand you being emotionally devastated but after 9 months you should be building up your own emotional health. It would be great if your wife would do what has been posted many times in this thread by many posters but she HAS NOT!

You have a choice. You can continue to keep hoping for your wife to do what she needs to do to help you more or you can look at her actions and see the reality that you are going to have to help yourself more.
Which one are you going to do?

You are naïve and sensitive about your situation and your dream of a “Disney princess” is counterproductive for you at this time.

NS, this is a very strong, clear, no-nonsense post, spelling out what's important and what's possible in your situation. You've given all the details. Everybody is clear and gets it. But you're not listening. Mr. Blunt is one to listen to. He's trying so hard as is Mrs. JA. She's saying what you don't want to hear—that your wife is NOT going to be that person, that woman you need her to be. Not going to happen now and the more you push and go berserk, the more you push her away anyway. Most of us are saying good riddance but I realize you can't yet because you're actually obsessing about her doing this your way. But you don't realize you're doing this, are stuck in one place and only listening to what agrees with your obsessive goals. The rest whizzes right past you.

This is why Loveshack can only help so far. For someone who's been so damaged, it's not ever going to provide the balm to soothe and calm your wounds, so you can at last rest your mind and soul and create a new plan. Let that plan be anything - reconciliation if it helps you regroup - but the new plan doesn't matter any more. You are not ready for marriage counseling. You need to get professional help to get past the terrible trauma of betrayal and accept that you are NOT GOING TO MAKE YOUR WIFE FEEL the depths of the injury she's caused you. She's not willing or able. Look at it as temporary or just the way it is right now, however you need to. If you need to keep hoping, well, fine. Just put it on hold and get yourself into the right office with the right person right now and then you can figure out plan B.

January 26, 2016

Your marriage will never recover because your wife does not accept her part in her affair and she knows you have fallen for her manipulation bull.

If she is unwilling to be fully transparent and accept and make the moves YOU want to see to make this work then pack her bags and off she goes

NS I wrote the above to you early on. Has anything changed? If not, what are you hoping will happen after all this time? Do you think it is possible she will change and give you what you are clearly yearning for? How long are you going to let this go on?

January 26, 2016

The intent behind her confessing the affair is suspect. She was afraid of being blackmailed, so I'm guessing this was the best option FOR HER.
So, in my mind, she did not really confess for my benefit. It was for her benefit, because she probably could not continue to live in the anxiousness and stress of me finding out from someone other than her. I think she felt trapped and had no other choice.

I also disagree that she has done "nothing", however, again, I think that atleast part of what she did was because she was trying to protect her own emotional comfort of trying to make me stay in the relationship. I don't deny that there may also have been some component of feeling my pain and feeling responsible for it.

Overall, I feel that she has been trying to cater to her own emotional needs, mostly at my expense (The previous 6 months of her moving out is the primary example)

Comparing her to a stray cat is quite an unfair comparison, because she has a mind and can build an emotional intelligence to be able to understand how badly I may possibly be suffering in emotional pain and how I cannot even trust my own emotional state, let alone her. Anyone who has been cheated on would know the extreme pain that is experienced and the extreme roller coaster of emotions that one can possible feel.

This is the result of infidelity. This is reality. This is what she must face if she truly wants to reconcile. As I type this message I am not in extreme pain, so I'm intentional about NOT "kicking the saucer", but when I am in extreme pain, its NOT a choice to feel anything but the pain. Its extreme. This is what happens after infidelity. Expecting anything else is not normal. How long will my reactions last? I don't know, but her not giving her 100% is not going to make things better for the relationship. Its likely going to make the relationship even worse, with every passing week.

Like I've said before, I haven't posted an update on my own situation in many years, but don't think for a minute that I'm not intimately familiar with the emotional effects of infidelity. I could tell you stories that would curl your hair. And yet, I'm still standing. Not only that... I'm closer to my spouse and more supported in my marriage than I have been in decades.

The reason for that is mutual EMPATHY. But someone has to go first, otherwise, there's a stalemate. In my situation, it was me. You can't control the other person. You can only control yourself. So, if you want the marriage, something's got to give. If you don't... then by all means, file for divorce. That's the price of cheating, so it's not like she doesn't deserve it.

I find it interesting that 'ultimately she was trying to make you stay in the relationship'. That's either going to be about lifestyle or about love. What do you think was her reason for being desperate to keep you?

Edited January 26, 2016 by Ladyjane14

January 26, 2016

I also disagree that she has done "nothing", however, again, I think that atleast part of what she did was because she was trying to protect her own emotional comfort of trying to make me stay in the relationship. I don't deny that there may also have been some component of feeling my pain and feeling responsible for it.

Overall, I feel that she has been trying to cater to her own emotional needs, mostly at my expense (The previous 6 months of her moving out is the primary example)

Aside from her feigned agreement to participate in the reconciliation process, what has she done for the marriage?

I don't deny she feels bad for hurting you (personally) too.

But I do not think she feels the same way about your relationship. She has no remorse for shattering it into a million pieces nor any desire to get out the glue gun.

So, my question, what has she done in last 9 months for the marriage/relationship?

January 26, 2016

The reason for that is mutual EMPATHY. But someone has to go first, otherwise, there's a stalemate.

I would say that him STAYING IN THE MARRIAGE, and wanting to recover with her, is a first step at empathy. She needs to respond accordingly, with truth and transparency.

at some point in time people need to say their truth no matter how the other person reacts or what the outcome is or if there is a safe place or not. Because the other person deserves to know what it going on in their life, warts and all. It's called being an adult.

January 26, 2016

I agree katielee.. He made the first move to reconcile. He allowed her to stay.

The least she can do is give him transparency. That says.. I am willing to try... I am willing to meet you part way.

The ball is in her court.. He served it... She has to hit it back... She's holding it.

And if she does not return the ball... The game is over.

Only ns can say how long he waits for her to return the ball... The game is played by his rules...

My guess is she will hold it until he says game over.

January 26, 2016

1) HAVE YOU ASKED HER FOR PASSWORDS AND ACCESS TO HER ONLINE ACCOUNTS? Will she grant you that?

2) I agree it sounds as if your marriage counseling is a waste of your time. IC would be good. Heal yourself first.

January 26, 2016

Page 53 and still no transparency, same conversations and you still don't know for sure that she chooses the marriage because her actions are not the actions of someone that has chosen the marriage. Marriage counselling is a waste of money if both of you are not equally committed. Please don't take this the wrong way but what are you trying to save? What do you see that thousands of strangers don't? Just my opinion but it looks more like your prolonging the inevitable rather then trying to save the marriage. Unless she freely decides to be transparent and honest and commit to you and the marriage your doomed to fail.

January 26, 2016

Ns

I want so badly for her to give you what you need, I wish there was a way to make her,

But it is not your fault....you are trying....this is once again on her,
It was her choice to cheat and it is her choice to alienate you instead of embracing you,

You are giving her every opportunity to make things right.

That's the best you can do,

Will she ever improve? I don't know. John waited a long time for me to give him what he needed.

That is the question for you friend... How long are you willing to wait?

How long did John wait for you to give him what he needed?

Until you reached that point at which you could give him what he needed, what was his behavior like? What was his emotional and mental state like and how did he project what he needed from you?

At the point at which you were not giving him what he needed, did you WANT TO? Did you know that you eventually would be capable of giving him what he needed?

Was there any confusion in your mind about what he really needed?

During this process, were there any arguments or fights that seemed to cause you'all to take a few steps backwards in the reconciliation mindset?

Answers to these questions would be very very useful to me.

January 26, 2016

I would say that him STAYING IN THE MARRIAGE, and wanting to recover with her, is a first step at empathy. She needs to respond accordingly, with truth and transparency.
at some point in time people need to say their truth no matter how the other person reacts or what the outcome is or if there is a safe place or not. Because the other person deserves to know what it going on in their life, warts and all. It's called being an adult.

I have expressed to her on several occasions, that just the fact that I have stayed in the marriage, inspite of the terrible pain (and emotional torture), should be FACT enough for her to know that I'm trying my best to show as much empathy as I can.

Maybe she is just taking this for granted. Maybe she thinks that I will not have the courage to file for divorce. I'm not sure.

January 26, 2016

We're going in circles dude.

January 26, 2016

Like I've said before, I haven't posted an update on my own situation in many years, but don't think for a minute that I'm not intimately familiar with the emotional effects of infidelity. I could tell you stories that would curl your hair. And yet, I'm still standing. Not only that... I'm closer to my spouse and more supported in my marriage than I have been in decades.

The reason for that is mutual EMPATHY. But someone has to go first, otherwise, there's a stalemate. In my situation, it was me. You can't control the other person. You can only control yourself. So, if you want the marriage, something's got to give. If you don't... then by all means, file for divorce. That's the price of cheating, so it's not like she doesn't deserve it.

I find it interesting that 'ultimately she was trying to make you stay in the relationship'. That's either going to be about lifestyle or about love. What do you think was her reason for being desperate to keep you?

I have showed her as much empathy as I'm capable of. There are times I feel a lot of anger and more times when I feel a lot of pain. At those times, I have only been capable of acknowledging my own emotions.

Firstly, I don't think she has expressed (verbally or by her behavior) that she is desperate to keep me.

As far as why she "prefers" (She has used that word in the past) to save the relationship, she has not honestly told me why. She has just expressed that the choice is really mine, that she will not file for divorce and that she will never get involved with another man, even if we separate or divorce. What am I supposed to make of all that?

January 26, 2016

Thanks for all the posters that have been advising me that I need to individually recover, independent of my wayward wife.

I get that.

I have posted before to ask these questions:

1) To be able to individually recover, do I need to leave the relationship or can I also do that while continuing in the relationship?

2) If I can stay in the relationship, I understand that I should follow the 180. Are there any books or other resources that deal with the topic of recovering WITHOUT the help of one's wayward spouse?

3) I don't have too many interests in life. My biggest interest was having a beautiful wife who would love and support me no matter what. Since that interest is no longer possible to achieve (as of now), what should I do about developing other interests? I have "tried" to be interested in my work (which I am and I work for those 8 hours in the day), in biking, in meditation, reading, spiritual pursuits, etc. I had also started individual counseling. All of these do help to some degree (while I do those activities), but why have I not yet individually healed? I tried all this for 9 months now and I almost feel the same as I did 9 months ago. What am I doing wrong?

Thanks for all inputs.

January 26, 2016

why have I not yet individually healed? I tried all this for 9 months now and I almost feel the same as I did 9 months ago. What am I doing wrong?

Thanks for all inputs.

because I think you're co-dependent. Healing involving changing yourself and your thoughts. Your standard MO no longer applies, you need to find a new one, and that's what's holding you up.

I would say that you need to find a way to let go, not control, and work hard at that. If you DO THAT - you'll have your answers to staying or leaving in your marriage.

I've been there - over analyzing and trying to figure out infidelity like its a darn crossword puzzle. It's not. You need a different game, my friend.

January 26, 2016

How long did John wait for you to give him what he needed?30 years

Until you reached that point at which you could give him what he needed, what was his behavior like?normal most of the time except for near the anniversary date of my affair... He then went into deep depression

What was his emotional and mental state like and how did he project what he needed from you?this was part of our problem...he could not tell me exactly what he needed and I was doing everything I knew to do

At the point at which you were not giving him what he needed, did you WANT TO?i always wanted my marriage and I was willing to do whatever he asked of me

Did you know that you eventually would be capable of giving him what he needed?no I did not know I could give him what he wanted because I did not know what it was...I was willing....I just did not realize I was missing the mark

Was there any confusion in your mind about what he really needed?yes...I thought being transparent and being sorry was enough...it wasn't.

During this process, were there any arguments or fights that seemed to cause you'all to take a few steps backwards in the reconciliation mindset? Never arguments.... We have seldom argued in 44 years.... But every year when he would go into depression...I would ask him if he wanted me to leave. He always said no. I would ask over and over...what do you want me to do?

Answers to these questions would be very very useful to me.

The questions I should have asked are how can I help you to heal? What can I do to help you heal from the pain I caused?

What do you want me to do is the wrong question.....

It has to be reworded so that the betrayed hears the remorse. What do you want me to do puts the betrayed on the defense. How can I help you...sounds like the wayward understands the pain. Do you see the difference?

This is all about rebuilding the trust....and you cannot rebuild trust if doubt exists.

The wayward destroyed the foundation....and it is our job to rebuild it.

When I read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair.....I understood all the things I had said wrong...I understood what he was listening for.

You see...I never criticize John....I never blame John....you will never see me come to love shack and disrespect my husband, or complain about my husband. He is not perfect...we both made mistakes...but one of the things I have learned is that anything I might say that sounds like an excuse....places blame on him.

Every marriage has weaknesses....and every affair begins with a breakdown of the relationship ....but it is the wayward who made the choice to cheat....regardless of the dynamics of the relationship.

I fear your wife is blaming everybody else for her choice...you...the OM....

The reality is...she made the choice...and she had every opportunity to stop...just like I did.

She is not willing to accept the responsibility...she is not willing to become transparent....the only thing I see she is willing to do...is stay.

But she is not staying as your wife...she is staying as the victim...and my dear friend....you are the victim.

All the things she asks you to understand and be patient about...she should be giving you the same courtesy. She is not seeing you as the victim....and she is not seeing herself as the perpetrator.

And Therein lies the bottom line.

After 30 years I truly understood that John was the victim and I was responsible for the crime. I am responsible for every tear he shed, every anxious moment he felt, every insecure feeling, everything.

And just as criminals are required to pay restitution....I as a cheater am also required to pay for what I have done....I am to rebuild what I have destroyed. As I have grown..in my understanding...I am able to help John heal....and as John heals he is able to help me rebuild the foundation. Each step we take...we lift each other up...

It is a long slow process....

January 26, 2016

I agree, this thread is starting to go in circles. You have been given pretty much all the information anyone here could give.

The bottom line is you will probably continue to be unhappy and emotionally unstable for years. Your wife is not willing to help you. None of us on this forum can do anything to change your wife. You are on here seeking help. Where is your wife? On the phone with friends or worse griping about you.

Even with a spouse that is trying to help you, a spouse doing many of the right things, reconciliation is difficult. Unless you wife changes her attitude, you have no chance. You cannot make her do it. It is not a one person job. Perhaps it is time to move on.

January 26, 2016

The questions I should have asked are how can I help you to heal? What can I do to help you heal from the pain I caused?

What do you want me to do is the wrong question.....

It has to be reworded so that the betrayed hears the remorse. What do you want me to do puts the betrayed on the defense. How can I help you...sounds like the wayward understands the pain. Do you see the difference?

This is all about rebuilding the trust....and you cannot rebuild trust if doubt exists.

The wayward destroyed the foundation....and it is our job to rebuild it.

When I read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair.....I understood all the things I had said wrong...I understood what he was listening for.

You see...I never criticize John....I never blame John....you will never see me come to love shack and disrespect my husband, or complain about my husband. He is not perfect...we both made mistakes...but one of the things I have learned is that anything I might say that sounds like an excuse....places blame on him.

Every marriage has weaknesses....and every affair begins with a breakdown of the relationship ....but it is the wayward who made the choice to cheat....regardless of the dynamics of the relationship.

I fear your wife is blaming everybody else for her choice...you...the OM....
The reality is...she made the choice...and she had every opportunity to stop...just like I did.

She is not willing to accept the responsibility...she is not willing to become transparent....the only thing I see she is willing to do...is stay.

But she is not staying as your wife...she is staying as the victim...and my dear friend....you are the victim.

All the things she asks you to understand and be patient about...she should be giving you the same courtesy. She is not seeing you as the victim....and she is not seeing herself as the perpetrator.

And Therein lies the bottom line.

After 30 years I truly understood that John was the victim and I was responsible for the crime. I am responsible for every tear he shed, every anxious moment he felt, every insecure feeling, everything.

And just as criminals are required to pay restitution....I as a cheater am also required to pay for what I have done....I am to rebuild what I have destroyed. As I have grown..in my understanding...I am able to help John heal....and as John heals he is able to help me rebuild the foundation. Each step we take...we lift each other up...

It is a long slow process....

Mrs John Adams,

After hearing more about yours and Mr. John's story, honestly, I am both terrified as well as inspired.

Are you saying that it took 30 long years to reconcile? How did Mr, John REALLY manage to wait for so long? Wasn't he in misery and extreme pain?

What did Mr. John really need from you? Why did it take so long (30 years) to realize what was needed?

Was it 30 years of emotional turmoil? That seems really traumatic. Its almost like half a lifetime.

What made Mr John continue to stay in the relationship for 30 years inspite of not getting what he needed from you, for healing?

I appreciate all your help. It will help me to decide if I'm capable of waiting and for how long.

Thanks.

January 26, 2016

Mrs John Adams,
After hearing more about yours and Mr. John's story, honestly, I am both terrified as well as inspired.
Are you saying that it took 30 long years to reconcile?

It takes the rest of your life

How did Mr, John REALLY manage to wait for so long? Wasn't he in misery and extreme pain?
We have been happy...life has been good. You get past the initial shock and agony...as you begin to rebuild

What did Mr. John really need from you? He needed complete remorse

Why did it take so long (30 years) to realize what was needed?because I thought that being sorry was the same thing as remorse

Was it 30 years of emotional turmoil? That seems really traumatic. Its almost like half a lifetime.no it was not 30 years of emotional turmoil. It was 30 years of a good life...with occasional triggers

What made Mr John continue to stay in the relationship for 30 years inspite of not getting what he needed from you, for healing?,he got everything he needed except complete remorse...
I appreciate all your help. It will help me to decide if I'm capable of waiting and for how long.
Thanks.

Ns...I have told you over and over and over...reconciliation takes forever...a lifetime....the rest of your life.

You do not wake up and voila! You are now reconciled! You work on your reconciliation everyday for the rest of your life.

Now did you hear me this time?

Go back and reread this thread....

January 26, 2016

It will help me to decide if I'm capable of waiting and for how long.
Thanks.

Capable of Waiting? What are you waiting for?! A Remorseful wife? We have told you over and over and over again the same information:

1 - Your wife is not remorseful/committed to reconciliation

2 - You cannot will your wife to become remorseful/committed

3 - You have waited over 1/2 a year, and she is not remorseful/committed

4 - You can NOT do reconciliation all by yourself

My wife cheated on me 17 years ago; we are still reconciling. It is a process, not a destination.

Why do you refuse to acknowledge that your wife is not going to do the work? Reconciliation is EXTREMELY difficult under the BEST conditions.

You have been "stuck" for six months because you are doing this all by yourself. I don't know much about being co-dependent, but you seem to have co-dependent traits and unwilling to make the tough decisions that are required to deal with an unrepentant wife. Waiting around is literally eating you alive.

My wife did all of the right things for reconciliation. With that being said, she did not "fix" me. I had to deal with that on my own. I didn't look for her to "fix" me. She "broke" me, so why would I expect her to be able to "fix" me? She had to "fix" herself in order for me to stay in the marriage. The first step in her "fixing" herself was taking full responsibility for her affair. She had to fully own it and do the work to figure out how/why she did what she did.

In addition, she had to be completely transparent. Even today I have full access to all of her accounts, social media, emails, phone, etc. I know ALL of her passwords. (She knows all of mine, too)

Go back and read the 800 posts in this thread.

Edited January 26, 2016 by Betrayed&Stayed

January 26, 2016

None of your patience has spurred your wife to take significant action. Your patience has permitted inaction.

If she feels that she will lose this marriage if she continues to fail to act, then perhaps she will act.

If she doesn't act, you have your answer.

January 26, 2016

I have showed her as much empathy as I'm capable of. There are times I feel a lot of anger and more times when I feel a lot of pain. At those times, I have only been capable of acknowledging my own emotions.

Firstly, I don't think she has expressed (verbally or by her behavior) that she is desperate to keep me.
As far as why she "prefers" (She has used that word in the past) to save the relationship, she has not honestly told me why. She has just expressed that the choice is really mine, that she will not file for divorce and that she will never get involved with another man, even if we separate or divorce. What am I supposed to make of all that?

In post #784 you said, "she was trying to protect her own emotional comfort of trying to make me stay in the relationship". Why do you think that?

You know, I believe I'm still married.. and happy in my marriage... because I ended up experiencing more empathy than I believed I was capable of. I stepped into his shoes, and even though I'll never truly understand his choices, I can see what a mess he was in emotional terms. I felt his pain.

People forget that the betrayed spouse isn't the one who's thought-process is ****ed up. I went down the rabbit hole and found the ****-upedness. I separated my emotional reaction (ego) from my clinical reaction (empathy). I've loved this man since he was 18 years old; taken care of him since he was 20. No way I was going to walk out on him at the lowest point of his life, even when he thought I would.

You've got to get down in the trenches, past the hurt, and see if that kind of feeling is still there for you. If it's there, work through the problems. If it's not, get out.

January 26, 2016

In post #784 you said, "she was trying to protect her own emotional comfort of trying to make me stay in the relationship". Why do you think that?

You know, I believe I'm still married.. and happy in my marriage... because I ended up experiencing more empathy than I believed I was capable of. I stepped into his shoes, and even though I'll never truly understand his choices, I can see what a mess he was in emotional terms. I felt his pain.

People forget that the betrayed spouse isn't the one who's thought-process is ****ed up. I went down the rabbit hole and found the ****-upedness. I separated my emotional reaction (ego) from my clinical reaction (empathy). I've loved this man since he was 18 years old; taken care of him since he was 20. No way I was going to walk out on him at the lowest point of his life, even when he thought I would.

You've got to get down in the trenches, past the hurt, and see if that kind of feeling is still there for you. If it's there, work through the problems. If it's not, get out.

So help me to understand...

You are saying you did for your wayward what the wayward should do for the betrayed?

You took on the pain of the wayward and helped him to heal instead of him helping to heal you?

You are telling ns to take on the pain of his wayward to obtain healing?

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Dealing with wife's affair.

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