Moreorless Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We have four young children. When my 4 year old was about 6 months old, my husband went out of state for 3 weeks for army training. Shortly after he got home, I found out he had been cheating on my wine he was away. Not just sleeping with someone, but had a relationship with her. Of course he denied it at first, but eventually came clean. We went to marriage counseling, but ended up separating. The separation was his will.not mine. I ended up in another relationship. I was happy. My husband decided he wanted to work things out. It took time, but we rebuilt our relationship, brick by brick. We both made major changes in our lives. He went back to college. Everything was fine until he had a project he had to work on in a group. The other group members were young females. I told him they should work on their project at our house. He declined. He was out with these two girls (I'll call them A and B) until almost 230am one night. I got mad. Told him it was inappropriate. He assured me they were just group mates, the project was done and he never had to see them again. A few weeks later we were watching a movie when he got a text. I opened it. It was girl A. It was nothing bad, but nothing related to school work. I got mad again. Explained why this wasn't okay. He assured me he'd tell her to buzz off. Fast forward 10 months later. I just gave birth to our second little boy. Husband asked how I would feel if he went to hang out with some guys for Few hours, said he'd be back by 830pm. I told him it was a great idea. He needed out of the house and some guy time..... He didn't come home until 430am. No calls. No texts. I had called all the hospitals and police long ago. I didn't talk to him until the next day when I wasn't so angry. He told me he left his phone in his car, and had gotten a ride somewhere. His ride got drunk and he had to wait for him to sober up before he could get back to his car. I was glad he was okay and did the smart thing. We out r it behind us. 2 weeks go by. I get on his computer to look up a recipe. He left his email open. There were conversations between him and girl A! I was livid. Turns out he wasn't out with the guys until 4am. He was drinking with her. He never stopped talking to her. He's been lying to my face for almost a year. He swears there is nothing sexual, that they're just friends. But he's been cutting classes with her, telling me he had class when he didn't to hang out with her, going to her house... I flipped out. Then reined myself in and calmly told him how it made me feel. I asked him how he would feel if I told him to cut all contact with her. He said he would be pissed at me for being controlling, and would still be friends with her anyway. A few days ago he said he needed to go on campus to talk to someone about declaring a minor, then he was going to stay and study. I called him at one point. And he was freaking studying with girl A! For six hours! I'm at a complete loss. I've made him read up on emotional affairs. How devastating they are to a marriage. He insists that isn't what is happening here. But it very much is exactly that. I tried to get us into marriage counseling. There is a 3 month waiting list. I have no idea what to do at this point. I feel like me outings are either accepting that I have to share him with girl A, or end it. And I don't want to do either of those things.
Marc878 Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 Look up serial cheater. You have no future with this rat. It's a sexual affair. Don't be in denial. You should have never come back 2
Mr. Lucky Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 Turns out he wasn't out with the guys until 4am. He was drinking with her. He never stopped talking to her. He's been lying to my face for almost a year. He swears there is nothing sexual, that they're just friends. So he's consistently lied about absolutely everything else - where he's been, who he's been with, what they've been doing. But he's telling the truth when he says there's nothing going on? Doesn't pass smell test. With 4 young kids, sorry you find yourself in this position... Mr. Lucky 1
Qboro90 Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 Stop being so naive and believing that your husband is so innocent when he's Lying to you and seeing other women. He's sleeping with this girl A and has been for a long time. You really think he left his phone in the car then his ride also got wasted so he had to walk back to his car after sobering up? Cmon that's like 3 terrible excuses all wrapped into one huge lie. He didn't pick up because he was with another women in bed. You say there's a 3 month waiting list for marriage counseling. That's a weak excuse. You realize that there are countless marriage counsellors that you can contact and schedule an appointment right? If you wanted to do it then you would. Sounds like you want to sweep his behavior under the rug but he's being so blatant and disrespectful that you can't even do that! In my opinion you are never going to be able to trust your husband. I wouldn't want to stay married to someone who lied about everything they do and someone who cheats on me, but you have to make that choice for yourself. 1
Naively.Sensitive Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I'm suffering from a sexual affair my wife had, since the last 8 months, so I can understand your pain. In my wife's case she confessed to me, but later started blaming the state of our relationship for what had happened. I'm currently high and dry and am dealing with my own extreme pain, without enough support from her. I have been trying some solutions, which have only partly been working for me. 1) I have been exploring my true spiritual identity and have come to realize that my happiness actually lives within me. I have to find it and its not so easy, but its possible. I have stopped making my wife the center of my life and have been trying to reduce my emotional dependence on her. 2) I decided to seek out a few other women friends (nothing sexual or even emotionally intimate), to be able to feel how other human beings can also make me feel loved, in perfectly healthy ways. 3) I have decided to let me wife be on her own (She moved out of our bedroom about 4 months ago), and have decided that I'm okay with any outcome (whether we eventually continue together or we divorce). I have also not patronized her in any way and am open to another relationship (if I find a more compatible person to be with, there is no reason why I need to continue with her). Essentially, I have recognized that I don't have to force my feelings for her and if I want to compare her to other women (previously I never did that), I can honestly cater to my own preferences. I have given up on my "old" and outdated fantasy of a disney movie romantic love. I have adopted a very practical view of life and I now value myself enough to know my own value, to the right person. Wishing you plenty of strength, and courage. Also, love yourself in the way that you should. I know this is all easier said than done, because I struggle and suffer everyday, in a lot of pain. Keep your hope alive that things will get better, one way or another. If your pain gets too severe, you will actually take some action. If your pain subsides, then perhaps whatever is happening is not as bad as it seems. Either way, life has constant change and nothing is permanent, even pain, but you should keep your heart open to whatever the outcome may be. Don't try to force a particular outcome, as it will only bring you more pain. Love and Good Wishes.
Sandy43 Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 I think you already know that you are married to a serial cheater and may just not want to face it. He is absolutely in an EA and PA with this girl and obviously has no intention of stopping. Imo marriage counselling is a waste of time, he lies very easily to you so why would he be honest in MC? You deserve to be treated better than this, leave him and don't look back. 1
Popsicle Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 You have to accept the truth and leave him. And don't be duped by him when he is suddenly sorry after you leave. 1
flowergirl14 Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 You are in a cycle of abuse. He cheated, you left, he saw you were moving on wanted you back. He cheats again(now) and likely you will leave again because really there is nothing to work with. Marriage counseling doesnt work for these types. They just lie to the mc. Theres nothing wrong with your marriage except the infidelity and it seems like your husband is gaving waay to much fun with other women. No one wants to give up on their marriage. However , he is a serial cheater. They do.not. care. See a,lawyer. Get your financials in order. Lastly, check out chump lady. Tons of great advice there too. Cheaters are really all the same.
turnera Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 You already know the answer. You unfortunately picked one of those guys who intends to marry and get the family and also have his women on the side. I know many men like this. Move on. You have worked WAY too hard to keep this shell of a marriage together. Divorce. You will find a better man out there. I also know many men who ARE decent and great. What's missing is your boundaries/consequences. From what I see, you have given him absolutely NO consequences other than to be mad at him. Lots of men just see 'being mad' as one of those things you just deal with in a wife. Let the wife gripe and you keep on doing what you're doing. That's what you're married to. Get out now before you lose your sanity.
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