How serious is this EA and can my marriage be saved?

[Lady Nyx]

My husband is currently deployed and one month ago I caught him in an emotional affair. I discovered the EA because one night, seemingly out of nowhere, I had the strongest feeling that I had to break into his Facebook and check his messages. So I listened to the feeling and accessed his Facebook account just in time to find him messaging another woman in real time. I was able to quickly ascertain from looking at her FB profile that this woman is deployed with my husband and also married.

 

The messages that I read were upsetting to me because he wrote a few slightly romantic/intimate things to her. He deleted the conversation as soon as it was over - as he had done with every one of their Facebook conversations before.

 

However, his account was set up so that every time he received a FB message, FB sent an email containing a transcript of the message. So I was able to read everything she wrote to him but not everything he wrote to her. They had messaged each other back and forth anywhere from one to three times per day almost every day for the two weeks they had been FB friends. From the content of her replies it seems likely that my husband sent her flirty messages but probably not anything particularly romantic or sexual. It also seems likely that he was the pursuer and that she was kind of just allowing/enjoying the attention.

 

I confronted my husband about what I found shortly after making these discoveries. From the moment I confronted him until now, he has been very reluctant to discuss the issue and what exactly happened.

 

At first, he insisted that he did not cheat and the whole thing was only a flirtation taken too far. He claimed that while they did spend time together, they were always in public while together. He denied anything sexual happening - including kissing - but admitted to occasionally holding her hand. He also admitted that he had developed feelings for her but emphasized that he was not in love with her but in love with me. At first he told me that things would not have gone any farther with her because he loved me. Later he told me that he would like to believe they would not have gone farther but he just doesn't know. He told me that the relationship had been going on for two weeks when I found out, although I still do not know when they actually met.

 

As the days and weeks passed, my husband told me that the reason it happened was because he was unhappy and is still unhappy. He told me that he is unhappy basically because of my melancholy attitude and anxiety over the past year. He pretty much told me that he just wanted someone to talk to about positive things. He told me that he thought we had a happy marriage before he deployed but that now he is not sure if he was or was not happy before he deployed.

 

For awhile after being found out, my husband became distant with me and on a couple of occasions mentioned the possibility of divorce. He told me that even if we divorced that he'd still love me but implied that the fact he could do what he did made him question our marriage. Now things are getting better between us. He is contacting me again. He stopped mentioning divorce. He will tell me he loves me again and when we talk he sounds happy and normal.

 

However, we don't talk about what happened. At all. It's almost like he wants to push it under the rug and forget about it. He did say "I'm sorry" a few times but he never begged forgiveness or groveled or talked things out with me. I can accept not discussing the issue while he is deployed and just being as happy with each other as possible. But I can't be happy forever without actually working through this and without him showing me some real remorse.

 

So now that I have wrote a novel about the situation, I suppose my question is this: how serious is what my husband did? I think in my mind I am making it as painful for myself as if he had fallen in love with OW and made passionate love to her. And while what he did hurts no matter what and was not acceptable, I sometimes wonder if maybe it was not so incredibly terrible.

 

Also, could my husband really do what he did and still be in love with me? Is there any real hope for my marriage to be as good as it once was, maybe even better? Can the romantic love (which is not completely gone but burning low perhaps) ever be brought back in full-force after something like this? Is there any real chance that my husband will show sincere remorse? And of course, are there any military men or wives that have experience with this kind of thing that would like to shed some light on it for me?

 

Thanks in advance to anyone who responds. I both need and appreciate the feedback!

[Spectre]

Oh geez I don't want to be hurtful to you because it seems like you genuinely want to work through this. I will start by saying I've been cheated on in the past, and thus it has shaped my views(just so you know where I am coming from).

 

I truly do not believe you can gain any kind of feelings for someone other then friendship if you are truly in love with someone else. This doesn't mean you can never find others attractive, but you never let it get further. Your husband did. He had feelings for her, he had a crush, whatever you want to call it. If you ask me if he loves you my answer would be no.

 

Some people will disagree, they will talk about how "we all make mistakes" and all that. Truth is your husband made a conscious choice and if he does have any love for you then you have to keep in mind he didn't have enough love to stop himself from doing this. If you want to believe he has some love for you then I'd just tell you to ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who did not love you enough to abstain from an affair(no matter if it is emotional or physical)? Only you can answer that.

 

Personally I want someone who could say "no". It's super easy to be faithful when you are happy, the true test of love comes when you aren't happy. Your husband failed that test. I am sorry for any pain you have been caused over this.

Edited December 15, 2015 by Spectre

[turnera]

As the days and weeks passed, my husband told me that the reason it happened was because he was unhappy and is still unhappy. He told me that he is unhappy basically because of my melancholy attitude and anxiety over the past year. He pretty much told me that he just wanted someone to talk to about positive things. He told me that he thought we had a happy marriage before he deployed but that now he is not sure if he was or was not happy before he deployed.

One thing I've learned in all my years giving advice is that men are predictable. If you read the book His Needs Her Needs (and you need to read it ASAP!), you'll see what I also have learned - men typically have certain top Emotional Needs in life: sex, fun, and admiration. Sex is understandable. Fun can translate into a TON of things, but the way I describe it is this:

 

Boys grow up having fun. They just do. They're always looking for ways to have fun. Some are more studious or quiet or serious, but for the most part, boys just want to have fun. That doesn't change just because you grow up. You STILL evaluate your life based on whether you're having fun, if you're a guy.

 

As an adult, that could be anything from going kayaking or playing football to ... having a fun wife. You literally are dragging him down. You need to address whatever it is that's going on with you to figure out how to stop being pessimistic, unhappy, stressed, or whatever. Find an avenue for dealing with that stuff, AWAY from your H. Don't use him as your personal whipping boy just because he's your husband. Don't take him for granted. When you're dealing with him, focus on HIM.

 

Which leads me to admiration. It may sound silly, and I apologize if I offend the men here, but women truly do have to stroke their man's ego. It's part of the male/female dance we do, and if you stop admiring and bragging to/about your husband...he will distance himself from you. AND he is very likely to soak up any admiration he gets from another woman. As you're now seeing. This admiration thing bears out with men in things like 'you're never going to let me off the hook for this' or 'I'll never be good enough now so I may as well just divorce.' It's your job to prove to him that that's not the case - that you DO admire him and you understand how this happened and you'll be working YOUR side of the street to ensure he never feels the need to stray again. In other words, give him hope.

 

Now go get that book.

 

PS: In my experience, men CAN flirt around with other women and still love their wives. Because they're looking to have different needs met by those women (the aforementioned things you aren't meeting for him). Women, on the other hand, more typically can only love one man at a time. She'll typically fall OUT of love with her H and then latch onto someone else, and by the time the H knows about it, it's too late. So don't worry too much; your H sounds pretty typical.

Edited December 15, 2015 by turnera

[Cymbeline]

I think Turner's advice is very sound. I doubt he stopped loving you and the lack of grovelling has to do with the fact that men struggle to deal with shame in a way that women tend not to. We are socialised to share problems and weaknesses in order to receive support from our friends. Men are socialised to deal with things themselves and react badly ( like asking for a divorce) as a way of protecting themselves against shame

 

Understanding this should help you in checking your reactions to him when you see him - if youbwantbto reconcile, be careful about triggering his shame. Maybe some counselling would be good but please make sure you get a good, properly qualified MC. And do some reading. 'How do I get through to you' by Terence Real is good. And I liked 'How to improve your marriage without talking about it' by Stephen Stosny. I'm sorry if it feels like you will be doing all the hard work. Good luck.

[66Charger]

Being former Military, I would like to adress 2 things.

 

1) The rug sweeping. This is what a Military man/woman is taught to do. You can not second guess your decisions, you can not dwell on the dead. Dead is dead, accept it and move on, even if it was you who pulled the trigger. It is the only way to mentally survive. I don't know where he is deployed, but the only way you can get thru some things are to forget thay ever happened. Those who can not do this, suffer greatly and are at risk for mental depression and suicide. What needs to happen is he needs to be debriefed and move on to a regular state of mind, where the mindset of talking about it is normal. The big red flag in your post was that he thought he had a happy marriage BEFORE being deployed. His mind has been altered.

 

2) The need to seek happiness. When things are fed up all around you and your basic job is killing, you need to find something to hold on to. Any bright spot in your life is magnified 100xs and it becomes like food and water. Sometimes, its the only thing that keeps you sane. There also is a huge imbalance of male to female in the military. If he is overseas where the availability of women is limited, this becomes a even greater distraction and thrill. The only problem...HE IS MARRIED. Edit. There is a high liklihood that a PA didnot happen. If she or he is of lower rank, he could get into a lot of trouble for that.

 

So what should you do. The most important thing you can do is show strength. Let him know immediately that a affair, will not be tolerated. Tell him you will polygraph him when he returns and it is in his best interest to be straight with you. If you feel that you wish to continue the marriage, flood him with communication. Hand written letters, email, text everything. Hand written letters are gold. What he recived from her, he needs to receive from you. Do not fear her, she is a replacement. A EA is still cheating, but this will be your choice in how and if you decide to move forward. Make sure he recieves counseling upon his return from deployment and go for walks with him.

 

If he physically cheated and continues lying, divorce him because he has no honor and is unworthy.

[66Charger]

I want to be clear that nothing I posted justfies cheating. EA or PA

[carhill]

My take as a past MM...

 

Probably an infatuation at this point. Sounds like some marital re-write going on on his part.

 

Save all the interactions related to this issue offline. They could help save your marriage.

 

Read the UCMJ (presuming US military) on infidelity by military personnel.

 

Check with the VA or your H's base for military MC options and/or IC for you, since you're figuring out how to deal with this.

 

When is his deployment over? Is he coming home for the holidays on leave? For how long?

 

Bottom line is he wouldn't be holding another woman's hand for no reason at all. Find out what, the real what, and work it.

[pondhawk]

For awhile after being found out, my husband became distant with me and on a couple of occasions mentioned the possibility of divorce. He told me that even if we divorced that he'd still love me but implied that the fact he could do what he did made him question our marriage. Now things are getting better between us. He is contacting me again. He stopped mentioning divorce. He will tell me he loves me again and when we talk he sounds happy and normal.

 

However, we don't talk about what happened. At all. It's almost like he wants to push it under the rug and forget about it. He did say "I'm sorry" a few times but he never begged forgiveness or groveled or talked things out with me.

 

First, I'm sorry you are going through this...it's soul crushing. Even if it was only an EA (I doubt it, cheaters lie) it's still infidelity. It is a lack in his character. Even if you as the wife, have anxiety and depression and act as such, it is not an excuse for him to look elsewhere. What a person of character does is: insist on getting help for the marriage, insist his wife see a doctor for health reasons, communicate, if he is still unhappy after all of those are exhausted, then he asks for a divorce BEFORE starting another relationship via EA or PA. This is not because you are a bad person, it is because he is demonstrating lack of character.

If he uses the excuse that his line of work forces him to get attention from other women, then with that wisdom every police officer would have the rights to this as well. I'm not minimizing serving your country, yes it's an honorable, dangerous job, but cheating is dishonorable. BTW, how do the majority of the married service men and women out there remain faithful....how do they do it!?!?!

 

Second, I'm going to go gentle here and translate your quote:

 

1. After being found out, husband distanced himself = he was wondering whether it was worth it to stay married. He's weighing his options and didn't want to talk to you. He's wondering how it would be possible to come home and have a happy marriage knowing he's going to hear it, or would it be easier to live in unicorn land and seek OW/ be single.

 

2. A couple of times he mentioned divorce = he's now thinking, there's no way I'm going to be able come home, live in peace, and not face consequences (being asked questions/work hard on the marriage/admit that I did something wrong instead of hide behind...I had to do it!), let's see if she does the "pick me" dance. Let's see what she's willing to do.

 

3. 'If we divorced he would still love me, but he questions what is wrong with the marriage?' = him thinking, I love her but I'm not in love with her, this is not my fault, it's her fault, she made me do it.

 

4. He's not mentioning divorce anymore and seems happy = he's eating cake. He may still continue on with his EA (PA?) since there are no consequences from you.

 

5. He wont talk about what happened = Don't ask, don't tell. Let me keep doing what I want without consequences. I'm going to pretend nothing happened. Let me keep eating cake. Let me rug sweep, it's your fault anyway, not mine.

 

These are red, red, red flags.

 

I'm sorry, please look up Chump Lady, many of these behaviors are explained.

 

My ex cheated on me and did some of the same things. I was in false reconciliation and wasted 10 years of my life, only to find out he lied the whole time and continued cheating while eating cake as he didn't want to divorce, he just wanted girlfriends as a bonus on the side. Don't waste 10 years.

 

Please insist on counseling. Report your findings. Is there anyway they can assist in counseling while he is deployed? Like a once a week skype session or something?

 

If he refuses to work on the marriage and pretends like nothing happened, you don't have much to work with, he's going to do what he wants with or without your knowledge/consent. If he refuses the consequences of his actions, I would not continue with the marriage.

 

(((hugs))) Get some IC for yourself. Get some support. Work on yourself and be healthy as this is a traumatizing time.

[Spectre]

PS: In my experience, men CAN flirt around with other women and still love their wives. Because they're looking to have different needs met by those women (the aforementioned things you aren't meeting for him). Women, on the other hand, more typically can only love one man at a time. She'll typically fall OUT of love with her H and then latch onto someone else, and by the time the H knows about it, it's too late. So don't worry too much; your H sounds pretty typical.

 

It's not typical for men in relationships to emotionally cheat and be out holding hands and stuff with some other chick. It is also quite hilarious he said they did nothing but "hold hands". I'd believe that if this was a couple of 12 yr. old kids.

 

Your view of men seems warped and if this book made you that way please don't advise others to read it. Just your thing about "men just want to have fun" was hard to read. Everyone wants to have fun. Who doesn't like fun?

[turnera]

*shrug*

 

Nowhere did I say his EA was her fault. I said to have a healthy marriage, she needs to understand how he thinks. And I've been doing this for nearly 20 years and I stand by my assessment of how men typically work. It plays out over and over, the responses men give to the women who don't understand what they need to do to keep their man happy. I've also known MANY women who literally grow up thinking all they have to do is stay pretty and 'female' and they can do whatever they want - that the man will just always be hanging around asking to please her; they stop thinking about whether the man is happy. I don't know if OP is in that group, but I've seen it enough to at least consider it.

 

Of course, this taking each other for granted is universal, and is based in psychology; we take for granted what we get easily, strive for what eludes us.

 

You can't MAKE your spouse stop cheating; it's their brain, their choice. What you CAN do is be the better option. Which is what our marriages should be to begin with - constantly ensuring that we are the best option for our spouse; ignore at our own risk. Did that happen here? Who knows? We don't have enough data. I'm giving advice on what to do NOW.