Overly nice people- thoughts?

[maysj18]

I recently met someone who is just the absolute sweetest person, ever. Not nice in the sense that he drowns me in compliments, buys me flowers, or any of that- just genuinely nice. The way he talks about his friends and family is so different than any guy I've met in their 20's. He's admitted that he can be a pushover because he hates confrontation since the other person may get their feelings hurt, so he definitely exhibits some codependency traits. But all in all, he truly loves those in his life and values relationships more than a lot of people I know.

 

We don't have a future together or anything because he lives a couple hours away (we met through mutual friends and have hung out a few times) so I haven't pondered too much on compatibility since it doesn't matter anyway. When it has crossed my mind though, I get so uncomfortable with the idea of being with someone like that. While I am so happy to have him as a friend because he's so great in that regard, niceness creeps me out when dating.

 

I am kind of weird with intimacy and am not someone who can be affectionate from the start. I'm not cold- I love hugs and being flirty- but if someone brought flowers to a date early on, I would probably throw up. It makes me so nervous! Even when the guy wants to pay for dinner, I get so uncomfortable. It makes things feel too serious. I always tell my dates that I don't need to be treated with kid gloves or wined and dined with flowers and chocolates; I just prefer being treated like a pal- someone you can shoot the **** with and not worry about going down some checklist to make sure the date meets my expectations.

 

Obviously, chivalry comes naturally to some people and this guy seems to be that way. He picks me up, knocks on the door rather than me coming out to the car, won't even let me leave a tip or pick up any tab, tells me how nice I look, etc. It actually makes me feel guilty because I don't want someone to feel that they are trying to win me over, that I'm the big prize, etc. If I go out with someone, I am equally wanting to win them over but all the pressure is put on the man. I just wish I could relieve that somehow.

 

Does anyone else feel this way? Dating norms are obviously different for my generation (I'm 25), but sometimes I feel like my feelings towards romance are kind of suggestive of a deeper problem. I don't know.

[introverted1]

Are you afraid of intimacy? And by "intimacy," I am referring to emotional vulnerability and trust, not sex.

[gaius]

One of the things that's attractive about other people is when they have a healthy sense of self. That guy sounds like someone who's entire existence is about revolving around other people. There's nothing there basically. He's an empty shell. So of course you want to throw up when you think about dating him.

 

Totally normal.

[smackie9]

He is the way he is, and you are the way you are. If he makes you uncomfortable with the way he is, you don't have to accept it.....it just means you are not compatible simple as that.

 

If you keep seeing him failing to get a girl to stick, just flat out tell him what the issue is. We have so many guys here asking what is the deal with them not being able to keep a girl interested....friends like you need to step up and be honest with them.

[preraph]

Either fear of intimacy or you have some bad self-esteem and don't feel you deserve to be treated nicely -- although I will say you probably are on the nose about him being nonconfrontational and possibly codependent. I mean, it IS a red flag if someone tries too hard too soon, like gift giving, but the normal things like them paying for dinner and extending common courtesies, that's your issue.

[basil67]

If this doesn't convince the world nice guys finish last, nothing will. Guys, being nice does not work. Niceness creeps women out and makes them uncomfortable. Her words.

 

 

Be a man by being tough, decisive, and a bit of a jerk.

 

I assume you're joking. But I just have to say that binary comments such as these are why men get confused.

 

For those who think you're being serious, I'm going to discuss the highly desireable middle ground: The guy who is nice and assertive.

 

The OP is discussing a passive guy. You're discussing an aggressive guy. But the middle ground is assertive. Assertiveness is about getting your needs met without trampling on others. Assertiveness is also about not being walked over.

[maysj18]

Honestly, this post has little to do with the guy in question and more to do with what it brought to my attention. I've always been this way, but I was in a long term relationship for so long that I kinda forgot, I guess.

 

Ii just hate feeling like I'm being put on pedestal. It doesn't creep me out as in I think they're weird, I legitimately feel guilty because I feel like that's so much pressure on the dude from the beginning. Once I've become established with someone (several dates), all that dissipates though. Granted, I've only ever made it that far with 2 people so maybe that's saying something.

 

Of course I expect to be respected as a human, but going above and beyond just because I'm a female seems weird? They owe me nothing just like I owe them nothing. We haven't had time to earn each other's respect or anything at the beginning. That changes as we get to know each other and we form a bond, but until then I don't expect or want special treatment.

 

The flower comment was in general. The idea of ANY guy doing that who isn't my boyfriend makes me want to puke out of nervousness haha

[LostOnes05]

If this doesn't convince the world nice guys finish last, nothing will. Guys, being nice does not work. Niceness creeps women out and makes them uncomfortable. Her words.

 

 

Be a man by being tough, decisive, and a bit of a jerk.

 

I'm one of those guys who are polite to people, will hold the door, etc. I am nice but to a point. If I think you're trying to make a fool of me, I'll definitely express my thoughts. What I've realized though is that young women are creeped out by guys that are naturally nice. Funny thing is after a few jerks, bad experiences, and reflection that nice guy doesn't seem so creepy. What becomes creepy are the guys that treated them poorly lurking around for round 2. Had this happen a couple of times. When they finally realized that I wasn't so scary, just a polite person my feelings had changed. I still respond when they reach out, but I don't put in much effort. Sad part is shooting the bull gets you friend-zoned unless she makes the move first.

[BrocasHelm]

Okay, I agree with the others that this guy has codependency issues and lacks assertiveness, but there's something about you that made me tick and I have to reply to that:

 

Even when the guy wants to pay for dinner, I get so uncomfortable. It makes things feel too serious. I always tell my dates that I don't need to be treated with kid gloves or wined and dined with flowers and chocolates; I just prefer being treated like a pal- someone you can shoot the **** with and not worry about going down some checklist to make sure the date meets my expectations.

It actually makes me feel guilty because I don't want someone to feel that they are trying to win me over, that I'm the big prize, etc. If I go out with someone, I am equally wanting to win them over but all the pressure is put on the man. I just wish I could relieve that somehow.

 

Well I'll give you my point of you as exactly the kind of guy you describe in this quote (well, except for the flowers and chocolates... that is too much): I'm always chivalrous with my dates, like wanting to treat her to dinner and stuff like that, not because I'm trying to win her over like a big prize, but just because I like it. Simply. I enjoy pleasing a girl I like, it's my way of showing I like this girl and appreciate spending time with her, it's just my way of showing I value her... sometimes said girl told me she was not interested in the end, well that's okay, it's not like I was trying to buy her, she made her choice, and if I gave her a good time, well I'm just glad. Part of it is the way I was raised, where I'm from chivalry is still considered normal, and I once dated a tomboyish feminist and it was a disaster partly because she would always call me out on that.

 

Now, girls who can't appreciate a bit of chivalry make me run away. Fast. To all ladies reading this, please stop feeling guilty when a guy is being chivalrous with you. Sometimes it's just because they enjoy it and it's important to them, so let them do!

[LostOnes05]

Honestly, this post has little to do with the guy in question and more to do with what it brought to my attention. I've always been this way, but I was in a long term relationship for so long that I kinda forgot, I guess.

 

Ii just hate feeling like I'm being put on pedestal. It doesn't creep me out as in I think they're weird, I legitimately feel guilty because I feel like that's so much pressure on the dude from the beginning. Once I've become established with someone (several dates), all that dissipates though. Granted, I've only ever made it that far with 2 people so maybe that's saying something.

 

Of course I expect to be respected as a human, but going above and beyond just because I'm a female seems weird? They owe me nothing just like I owe them nothing. We haven't had time to earn each other's respect or anything at the beginning. That changes as we get to know each other and we form a bond, but until then I don't expect or want special treatment.

 

The flower comment was in general. The idea of ANY guy doing that who isn't my boyfriend makes me want to puke out of nervousness haha

 

Sure, I get you. Relationships are about giving to each other...your time, your trust, etc. But you earn trust by showing reliability, and reliability is shown through repeated acceptable actions over time. I express romantic feelings by being supportive and helping without having to have her ask. I learned my lesson about gift giving surprisingly from my long term relationship. There I was standing alone, having wasted all those years and money. I could've bought a brand new car...so that's what I ended up doing two years later haha.

[Blanco]

Not all nice guys are created equally. Some people are genuinely nice and expect nothing in return for their niceness. Other nice guys, the kind that I think is more prevalent, are the ones whose nice deeds are usually rooted in a desire to receive something in return, whether it's a favor, getting someone to like them, trying to impress someone, etc.

 

This is actually something I've realized has been a big part of my life. I'm a fairly nice guy, but if I'm honest, I can think back on many, many, many times where I was being a "nice guy" for reasons other than just being genuinely nice.

 

I think it's important to do nice things for people, but stop and ask yourself why you're really doing them. You buying dinner at a nice restaurant for a lady because you sincerely just want to spend time with her in a comfortable place or are you hoping that covering that five-star restaurant bill will make her wanna bop your brains out when you get back to your place?

[Ami1uwant]

I consider myself a nice guy....

 

1. He could be being overly nice to you because he is interested in you. He could be very different away from you. As he said he doesn't like confrontation which means he is likely passive aggressive so at so e point another side of him could come out.

 

2. His attitude seems he is wanting to put you on a pedestal ...this is not a good thing. I believe in looking st women as equals..not one being a princess.

[SoThatHappened]

I recently met someone who is just the absolute sweetest person, ever.

 

... just genuinely nice.

 

...he truly loves those in his life and values relationships more than a lot of people I know.

 

...Obviously, chivalry comes naturally to some people and this guy seems to be that way. He picks me up, knocks on the door rather than me coming out to the car, won't even let me leave a tip or pick up any tab, tells me how nice I look, etc.

By all means, run from this horrible person! Can you possibly see yourself spending the rest of your life with a guy like THAT?!

 

He should be sterilized!

 

Run for your life! The guy is nice, treats you like a queen, is chivalrous, and compliments you.

 

Drop him like a bad habit and find someone who treats you like you want to be treated...like sh it.

[basil67]

I am being serious but read what I typed. Being a bit of a jerk isn't being a total jerk who has tattoos and is in and out of jail. Women desire men and not boys. Men who are too nice or too emotional or are too passive end up perpetually single. Women desire real men who man up.

 

I assume you're a man. I find it amusing that you're telling me that I'm wrong about what I think makes a good partner.

 

I don't want "a bit of a jerk". I want (and have) a nice guy who's assertive. Someone who can get what he wants without trampling on others or being a dickhead. Or even a bit of a dickhead.

Edited December 19, 2015 by basil67

[basil67]

Run for your life! The guy is nice, treats you like a queen, is chivalrous, and compliments you.

 

"treats you like a queen"

 

Why do so many men seem to not understand that the average girl doesn't want to be treated like a queen? Or placed on a pedestal. I'm sure Divas would appreciate it, but not regular girls. Regular girls want to be treated as a regular girl.

 

I'm so NOT a princess. And if a guy treated me like a princess, I'd be out of there. I want to be treated as an equal.

[basil67]

We can either be the nice guy and get rejected constantly or be a bit of a jerk and have women chasing us.

 

Does this work for you?

[ChattyKat]

I met a nice guyonce that was truly interested in me... The reason I broke it off because his life revolved around his 2 jobs and enabling others who were on disability by paying for their meals and other things as well as giving them rides. I felt he was too much of a doormat. On top of that, he was still a virgin in his 40's...

[Tayla]

This gent was raised well. Leave him to a lady who can equally value his great qualities! Genuine kindness is rare, but rude and crass seems to be the norm for some folks. Pick a side and enjoy the ride.

[Wewon]

I recently met someone who is just the absolute sweetest person, ever. Not nice in the sense that he drowns me in compliments, buys me flowers, or any of that- just genuinely nice. The way he talks about his friends and family is so different than any guy I've met in their 20's. He's admitted that he can be a pushover because he hates confrontation since the other person may get their feelings hurt, so he definitely exhibits some codependency traits.

 

But all in all, he truly loves those in his life and values relationships more than a lot of people I know.

 

We don't have a future together or anything because he lives a couple hours away (we met through mutual friends and have hung out a few times) so I haven't pondered too much on compatibility since it doesn't matter anyway. When it has crossed my mind though, I get so uncomfortable with the idea of being with someone like that. While I am so happy to have him as a friend because he's so great in that regard, niceness creeps me out when dating.

 

I am kind of weird with intimacy and am not someone who can be affectionate from the start. I'm not cold- I love hugs and being flirty- but if someone brought flowers to a date early on, I would probably throw up.

 

It makes me so nervous! Even when the guy wants to pay for dinner, I get so uncomfortable. It makes things feel too serious. I always tell my dates that I don't need to be treated with kid gloves or wined and dined with flowers and chocolates; I just prefer being treated like a pal- someone you can shoot the **** with and not worry about going down some checklist to make sure the date meets my expectations.

 

Obviously, chivalry comes naturally to some people and this guy seems to be that way. He picks me up, knocks on the door rather than me coming out to the car, won't even let me leave a tip or pick up any tab, tells me how nice I look, etc. It actually makes me feel guilty because I don't want someone to feel that they are trying to win me over, that I'm the big prize, etc. If I go out with someone, I am equally wanting to win them over but all the pressure is put on the man. I just wish I could relieve that somehow.

 

 

Okay, I'm going to be my usual obnoxious self and say this, this whole OP tells me just as much, if not more about you than it does about him.

 

Other than the fact that he's not keen on confrontations you haven't really described someone that is dysfunctional beyond the average person that you meet. He loves his friends and family and he was raised with a set of values that tells him how to conduct himself on a date.

 

And not to slam on you, but it sounds like you wouldn't be comfortable with a typical gentleman an any form. Paying for a date, picking you up etc. isn't supplicating or suffocating its the way people, for the most part, date.

 

Yes, he should learn how to deal with confrontations better; but aren't most people still tweeking those kinds of things even into adulthood?

 

It always bothers me how people hear "nice guy" and start giving lectures about the confused plight of young men. The problem is, you're not really describing an unusual person. Just a decent human being.

 

This reminds me of the thread a while back about "butterflies" the whole "nice guy" thing is a moving target. The reason so many guys get confused about women on this topic is they hear a woman declare a guy too nice after a few interactions but she will complain about her lieing or cheating boyfriend of 2 years.

[Grumpybutfun]

Introduce him to one of your well adjusted, healthy minded, emotionally enlightened girlfriends. He sounds like a great guy. Not all men or women are the same and are looking for the same things in life. It is his choice whether or not he wants to be non-confrontational or edgy. He doesn't sound overly anything...you sound overly sensitive to kindness from a man. That is your issue, not his. Most healthy women wouldn't even consider a man who wasn't kind. He isn't for you.

You obviously aren't looking for a healthy relationship, but someone whom to play out your childhood dramas with. Please don't waste his time with your game playing. This guy will be fine. There is a lot to be said for someone who doesn't conform to the standards set forth by immature girls.

G

Edited December 19, 2015 by Grumpybutfun

[LookAtThisPOst]

I recently met someone who is just the absolute sweetest person, ever. Not nice in the sense that he drowns me in compliments, buys me flowers, or any of that- just genuinely nice. The way he talks about his friends and family is so different than any guy I've met in their 20's. He's admitted that he can be a pushover because he hates confrontation since the other person may get their feelings hurt, so he definitely exhibits some codependency traits. But all in all, he truly loves those in his life and values relationships more than a lot of people I know.

 

We don't have a future together or anything because he lives a couple hours away (we met through mutual friends and have hung out a few times) so I haven't pondered too much on compatibility since it doesn't matter anyway. When it has crossed my mind though, I get so uncomfortable with the idea of being with someone like that. While I am so happy to have him as a friend because he's so great in that regard, niceness creeps me out when dating.

 

I am kind of weird with intimacy and am not someone who can be affectionate from the start. I'm not cold- I love hugs and being flirty- but if someone brought flowers to a date early on, I would probably throw up. It makes me so nervous! Even when the guy wants to pay for dinner, I get so uncomfortable. It makes things feel too serious. I always tell my dates that I don't need to be treated with kid gloves or wined and dined with flowers and chocolates; I just prefer being treated like a pal- someone you can shoot the **** with and not worry about going down some checklist to make sure the date meets my expectations.

 

Obviously, chivalry comes naturally to some people and this guy seems to be that way. He picks me up, knocks on the door rather than me coming out to the car, won't even let me leave a tip or pick up any tab, tells me how nice I look, etc. It actually makes me feel guilty because I don't want someone to feel that they are trying to win me over, that I'm the big prize, etc. If I go out with someone, I am equally wanting to win them over but all the pressure is put on the man. I just wish I could relieve that somehow.

 

Does anyone else feel this way? Dating norms are obviously different for my generation (I'm 25), but sometimes I feel like my feelings towards romance are kind of suggestive of a deeper problem. I don't know.

 

As a woman who doesn't appreciate such of the things you mentioned. Like him coming to your door and knocking, is a woman that isn't ready for a healthy relationship. I find it disturbing that this bothers you.

 

It lacks femininity and that's unattractive to a lot of men. So you may want to work on that.

 

A lot of women are unfortunately becoming like this, and this makes it even more difficult for men to date or even do the approaching. You being his "pal" doesn't help matters either as being a "pal" is something a man does with other men.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Other than the fact that he's not keen on confrontations you haven't really described someone that is dysfunctional beyond the average person that you meet. He loves his friends and family and he was raised with a set of values that tells him how to conduct himself on a date.

 

This guy would work well with a woman that DOES appreciate these kinds of things.

 

Usually an emotionally damaged person would have a problem with it. Kind of reminds me of a movie or a few movies rather where something does something nice for said person, and the person being treated nicely looks upon them with angst, instead of smiling and getting the "warm fuzzies"

 

Kind of like in "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas" where his tiny heart grew bigger upon the reaction of the towns people singing and not reacting to their stolen gifts.

[Vilgefoz]

One of the things that's attractive about other people is when they have a healthy sense of self. That guy sounds like someone who's entire existence is about revolving around other people. There's nothing there basically. He's an empty shell. So of course you want to throw up when you think about dating him.

 

Totally normal.

 

Dude. That sounds sick. Maybe he is just genuinely nice, romantic person and you are making him empty.

 

 

OP, my impression is the guy is really good company. Give him a chance and let him express himself. You feelings (according to my impression) are caused because of fear of being romantic, heart giving because this is something that os not common for our generation. Judging from your description, you like that, but you are afraid to admit it. Just... don't think! let things happen! You can't loose anything!

[SoThatHappened]

"treats you like a queen"

 

Why do so many men seem to not understand that the average girl doesn't want to be treated like a queen? Or placed on a pedestal. I'm sure Divas would appreciate it, but not regular girls. Regular girls want to be treated as a regular girl.

 

I'm so NOT a princess. And if a guy treated me like a princess, I'd be out of there. I want to be treated as an equal.

 

Then why do most women say that's what they want? Think about it.

 

Biggest hypocrites in the world. Sorry but true.

[casey.lives]

well.. you and i are opposites. i like to be treated like a lady and i like intimacy with i have a connection/rapport with and i lo-o-ove me a gentle"man" : )