MenConfuseMe Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 I'm having some problems in my relationship. I'm writing this for two reasons: to help myself in collecting my thoughts and to elicit input from anyone who has had or is having a similar experience. Even if you haven't had such an experience but want to share your opinion, I welcome it. My boyfriend and I met in early January and have been dating exclusively since mid January. Things have been going well, in general. In certain areas, our relationship is exceptional. There have been many moments between us that were extraordinarily tender, romantic, and loving. I have felt safe sharing my "issues" (i.e., walls that I've built up) with him and he has been receptive to conversations about them. He has expressed a desire to help me through my issues and to be patient with me, and he has demonstrated that. There are, however, three problems emerging. Let me say now that we have had many discussions about our relationship. We have even talked about the idea of going to counseling if we cannot solve our problems on our own. We have expressed that we are happy with each other and that we are committed to the relationship, and that we both believe it can work. 1. I don't think he gets me emotionally, and while I believe he is willing to try, I'm not sure he really understands what it means to support me emotionally. We have a recurring fight. He will say or do something that I think is hurtful or insensitive. I will tell him, as calmly as I can manage, that my feelings were hurt. If he thinks that my feelings are valid (ie, he agrees that he was insensitive), he'll support me. If he doesn't think my feelings are valid (ie, he disagrees that he was insensitive), he refuses to support me. What I want from him is emotional support, whether or not he agrees with me. I know that men and women communicate differently, and maybe this is just a matter of his speaking Male and my speaking Female. I don't know what he thinks emotional support means, but to me, it means putting aside his agenda or opinions and connecting with me from the heart, not from the head. When I'm hurt, I want comfort. Ideally in the form of words, but if he can't find the words, a hug without words will meet my needs. He has expressed during our most recent fight that maybe he hasn't really supported me as he should have, and that he'll try to from now on. I don't know how much of it is him being insensitive and unwilling to unconditionally support me and how much of it is my being too sensitive and seeking too much support. I think it might be a combination. 2. I don't get the feeling that he takes me seriously/listens to me. He's very funny and light-hearted. I'm very intense. He makes frequent jokes, and sometimes I'm just not in the mood. Sometimes his jokes give me the impression that he's not listening to what I said, or taking me seriously. I respond seriously, and he says, "I was just joking." I'm the sort of person who is comfortable seeing a movie or having a meal in a restaurant on my own. He isn't. So, when I went to dinner alone recently (he's studying for a big financial exam and I haven't seen much of him), he was surprised, and said "If I saw someone eating alone, I'd think they had no friends." Why can't he just have the forethought to think, "Gee, she must be OK with it, so I should be, too." Also, on my way home, I dropped off my leftovers in the public trash, because I know homeless people frequent that trash, and it's just a small gesture. They need it more than I do. When I told him, he asked, "You paid for it, why don't you keep it for yourself?" Instead of thinking, "Gee, what a nice girlfriend I have." Why does he do that? It's like he's questioning me, or trying to fix me or something. Again, I don't know how much of it is him being too jokey and my being too intense. I think it might be both. 3. I think he's sometimes needy. After we fight, and make up, he'll ask in a hurt child sort of voice: "Aren't you sad you hurt me?" Or he'll ask, "Did you like that we fought?" "Did you enjoy that?" Or if he'll make a racist joke (which is odd, because we're an interracial couple), and ask me if I thought it was funny, which I didn't. But he knows that I don't find those jokes funny. Why does he keep telling them? (This question relates back to problem 2.) I want us to make this work, but I'm not sure a) what my needs are, b) how to get them across to him, c) and how to get him to understand them and meet them. Likewise, I'm not certain what his needs are. I know a discussion on needs is probably in order, but as he has already given me the nickname "Moses" (because of all of my "rules" [which, between you and me, are not rules but needs]), I'm not sure I want to jump into yet another discussion with him. I don't know what to do. Any input will be appreciated. Many thanks.
westernxer Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 Originally posted by MenConfuseMe 1. I don't think he gets me emotionally, and while I believe he is willing to try, I'm not sure he really understands what it means to support me emotionally. I don't know what you mean by that... is it something guys are supposed to pick up on? Do you even know what it means when you say that? 2. I don't get the feeling that he takes me seriously/listens to me. Do you want a boyfriend or a college professor? Maybe you're just too uptight, as previously stated. 3. I think he's sometimes needy. Of course... especially when it comes to sex. Guys are needy, especially when they like you. All you have to do is show a little love and we're okay. It's actually really simple... we don't need a lot to make us happy. A little lovin' goes a long way. Stop trying to intellectualize your relationship... we don't care. And get rid of all those rules... whatever they are. You're gonna hurt yourself in the long run, unless the guy's a pussy. Then you won't respect him, period. Sounds like you resent your guy for being a guy. Too bad. You're depriving yourself of a lot of fun. Lighten up a little and laugh once in a while.
Author MenConfuseMe Posted June 1, 2005 Author Posted June 1, 2005 Thanks for taking the time to read and respond to my post. When I look beyond the sarcasm and the judgments, I find this gem: > Of course... especially when it comes to sex. Guys are needy, > especially when they like you. All you have to do is show a little > love and we're okay. It's actually really simple... we don't need a > lot to make us happy. A little lovin' goes a long way. Stop trying > to intellectualize your relationship... we don't care. which I really do appreciate. Thank you.
westernxer Posted June 1, 2005 Posted June 1, 2005 No problem... good luck. Some girls never figure this out... those that do are always a lot happier (generally speaking, of course).
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