dobielover Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Do you do this? "What are you looking for?" I never have asked this on a first date, but experienced it last night from an online date. I felt very put on the spot and it was awkward for me. I wasn't even sure I was interested in the guy by the time the subject came up, and was actually pretty sure I didn't, so I didn't want to tell him I date with intention and with the purpose of finding a long term relationship, because I didn't want him to think I was considering him for such a thing. In the past when guys have asked, it's been from guys I was really into and I'm sure obvious that I was into them. I can't imagine my body language and responses up to that point were suggesting to this guy that I was into him. He also asked me when my last relationship was and "the last time I f**ked somebody," "to assess my emotional availability." The first date? Asking this stuff?? And so crassly? Also, prior to the date he'd made several comments that were sexually suggestive, to which I'd responded, "Excuse me?" or asked him to explain, thinking I might be misunderstanding his intent. He'd push a little and then back off and laugh it off. The only reason I went out with him was because we have mutual friends, and one of them assured me he was a great guy, so I gave him a chance. Otherwise, his comments would have led me to believe he was a creep just looking to get laid. I told him this, and he said he makes those comments to test women, and he wouldn't have gone out with me had I not responded just the way I had. This guy is 40. Aren't there more mature ways to evaluate compatibility and character than lame tests?
Toodaloo Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Personally I do not ask these questions but I have been asked. I am just honest about it. I think guys get a lot of crazies so they are just trying to make sure that they do not waste yours or their time. Crass yes. Inappropriate, to some degree. Wrong probably not. I would wager that the men who ask this are hurting and have been treated badly... Tread carefully. He probably is a great guy but I would have my money on his being borderline bitter/ angry at women. Thus not dating material. He has probably been pooped on from a great hight too many times and is now trying to protect himself. Not good... 3
Author dobielover Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 I wasn't really physically attracted to him, he looked quite different from his pictures. But there was potential there had he not asked those questions, or admitted to that test. It really put me off.
truth_seeker Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 He also asked me when my last relationship was and "the last time I f**ked somebody," "to assess my emotional availability." Totally out of line to ask this question. He's not a great guy. He's a classless jerk. Whomever set you up with him needs to know this. 1
salparadise Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I've had women ask such questions. Sounds like a job interview. One asked the proverbial, "what are you looking for" question and I responded... 5'8", thin, small to medium breasts, short blonde hair, blue-eyes (her description) and a bit overly inquisitive. And I looked her in the eyes and smiled. She said, touche' you got on that one. I'll try to do better. We had a good laugh and enjoyed the rest of the date sans the interview format. Facetiousness comes in hand sometimes. 5
rester Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 He also asked me when my last relationship was and "the last time I f**ked somebody," "to assess my emotional availability." The first date? Asking this stuff?? And so crassly? I'm a guy, but if I were asked these questions before a first date, I would cancel the date. Mostly because the question about f'ing "somebody" implies that I'm sleeping around rather than f'ing someone in an established relationship. My sex life is nobody's business, and definitely not someone's that I don't know well. A better question would be, "when did you last get out of a relationship?" That's not something I'd want to get into before a first date, though. 3
Author dobielover Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 I've had women ask such questions. Sounds like a job interview. One asked the proverbial, "what are you looking for" question and I responded... 5'8", thin, small to medium breasts, short blonde hair, blue-eyes (her description) and a bit overly inquisitive. And I looked her in the eyes and smiled. She said, touche' you got on that one. I'll try to do better. We had a good laugh and enjoyed the rest of the date sans the interview format. Facetiousness comes in hand sometimes. I'll try to remember that response if it ever happens again. However, I wouldn't have described him physically as what I'm looking for. I don't know I could have said it with a straight face.
SwordofFlame Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I would think what are you looking for? is a rather common question to ask. 1
Author dobielover Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 I'm a guy, but if I were asked these questions before a first date, I would cancel the date. Mostly because the question about f'ing "somebody" implies that I'm sleeping around rather than f'ing someone in an established relationship. My sex life is nobody's business, and definitely not someone's that I don't know well. A better question would be, "when did you last get out of a relationship?" That's not something I'd want to get into before a first date, though. He asked those questions during the date. It was the comments he made prior to the date. Stuff like, "Let's go have some fun. Is there a bar near your house? Or we could do closer to mine... ;)"
losangelena Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I can understand the "what are you looking for" question, but never "when's the last time you f**ked." That is straight-up rude. 5
losangelena Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 He asked those questions during the date. It was the comments he made prior to the date. Stuff like, "Let's go have some fun. Is there a bar near your house? Or we could do closer to mine... ;)" He sounds like an a** 1
rester Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 He asked those questions during the date. It was the comments he made prior to the date. Stuff like, "Let's go have some fun. Is there a bar near your house? Or we could do closer to mine... ;)" Apologies. I didn't read the OP very carefully. Sounds like he's looking just for sex, coded by the word "fun". And asking when the last time you f'ed somebody is most likely him gauging how freely you have sex with people you don't know well. 1
Author dobielover Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 During the date, when I wouldn't respond to his questions about "the last time," he said, "You're a dirty little bird, I can tell." Ummmm, no. Legs shut so hard at that.
Author dobielover Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 He sounds like an a** Those comments apparently were "the test." I think he tested himself, and he failed. Such a turn off. Even if it was a test, he shouldn't admit it, he should have said that I misunderstood his intent, that he didn't mean it that way, etc. 1
Myragal Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 He asked suggestive questions 'before' your date? If it was me...Bock, delete 1
Author dobielover Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 He asked suggestive questions 'before' your date? If it was me...Bock, delete Comments, yes. And normally I would as well. But like I said, we had mutual friends. One of them, a female, I gave her the play by play as he said each thing, and while she was surprised, she said he had to be joking, that wasn't like him at all, he's a great guy, awesome person, give him a chance, etc. Only because of that did I go through with it. Otherwise he would have been deleted and blocked. And I told him that, and that his tests are probably turning off a lot of quality women. But he said, "but it worked out because you're sitting here now."
salparadise Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I'll try to remember that response if it ever happens again. However, I wouldn't have described him physically as what I'm looking for. I don't know I could have said it with a straight face. Yes, but I don't have specific physical preferences either... she knew I was just reflecting it back on her by my tone of voice and attitude. It worked out fine- lightened up the conversation and let her know that I can dodge and redirect with the best of them if need be. Turned out she was a little nervous and just grasping for a topic to talk about. She knew it wasn't time for that. You should feel free to move the conversation in a different direction anytime you feel like it. If I were a woman and a guy asked when was the last time I had sex, I'd get up and leave... without feeling any need to explain. Don't let'em get by with it. 1
truth_seeker Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 During the date, when I wouldn't respond to his questions about "the last time," he said, "You're a dirty little bird, I can tell." Ummmm, no. Legs shut so hard at that. This guy is getting worse the more details you reveal. I would smack the person who told you he was a great guy. 1
Author dobielover Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 If I were a woman and a guy asked when was the last time I had sex, I'd get up and leave... without feeling any need to explain. Don't let'em get by with it. I really should have. Five different times I also said I was ready to call it a night, at which point he'd literally respond by asking me a new question about a new subject. The third time, I said, "Really? It's getting late." And he'd drone on. And I took out my phone and pressed the home button to see the time, and yawwwwwwned. Repeat two more times. He took out his own phone to show me alllll his pictures, in every album on his FB. And then asked me to show him mine. I declined, saying my FB was for my friends and family, and this was a first date not show and tell. And he said, "You're so secretive. What are you hiding?" Really probably one of the worst dates I've been on in a long time. It was fine for the first 30 minutes. Then the over-sharing (his drama at home, his Tinder stalker) and the inappropriate questions started.
TheTraveler Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I really should have. Five different times I also said I was ready to call it a night, at which point he'd literally respond by asking me a new question about a new subject. The third time, I said, "Really? It's getting late." And he'd drone on. And I took out my phone and pressed the home button to see the time, and yawwwwwwned. Repeat two more times. Really probably one of the worst dates I've been on in a long time. It was fine for the first 30 minutes. Then the over-sharing (his drama at home, his Tinder stalker) and the inappropriate questions started. This didn't sound like a fun date. Onto the next guy! 1
Wewon Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 These sort of testing questions always bothered me. They're rarely about getting useful information and more of a form of dominance. Basically they want to ask these questions to see how much crap you want to deal with. The problem is, they're actually a good weed out for you since you can guess what the rest of the relationship will be like if you "pass". I see this kind of silliness in job interviews. Usually its coming from a person that wants to load up his work place with sycophants and people pleasers. 1
truth_seeker Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I really should have. Five different times I also said I was ready to call it a night, at which point he'd literally respond by asking me a new question about a new subject. The third time, I said, "Really? It's getting late." And he'd drone on. And I took out my phone and pressed the home button to see the time, and yawwwwwwned. Repeat two more times. He took out his own phone to show me alllll his pictures, in every album on his FB. And then asked me to show him mine. I declined, saying my FB was for my friends and family, and this was a first date not show and tell. And he said, "You're so secretive. What are you hiding?" Really probably one of the worst dates I've been on in a long time. It was fine for the first 30 minutes. Then the over-sharing (his drama at home, his Tinder stalker) and the inappropriate questions started. Okay, you're kinda losing me here. You're piling it on now. We get it - the date sucked. I went on a date with a woman and it sucked. It was set up through mutual friends. Personally, I though she was delusional and a bit of a head case, but bit my lip as I didn't want to upset anyone in the circle. She though had to make a point to say to all "it's him not me, why can't I meet a great guy" crying routine. There are times when it's the guy who sucks... but then there are times the woman is so insecure she has to make sure everyone knows it's him not her who is the problem. When they do this, it tells everyone who really sucks.
Author dobielover Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 Okay, you're kinda losing me here. You're piling it on now. We get it - the date sucked. I went on a date with a woman and it sucked. It was set up through mutual friends. Personally, I though she was delusional and a bit of a head case, but bit my lip as I didn't want to upset anyone in the circle. She though had to make a point to say to all "it's him not me, why can't I meet a great guy" crying routine. There are times when it's the guy who sucks... but then there are times the woman is so insecure she has to make sure everyone knows it's him not her who is the problem. When they do this, it tells everyone who really sucks. Oh, okay. Right. It's me that's the problem with this one. Right. 1
Author dobielover Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 These sort of testing questions always bothered me. They're rarely about getting useful information and more of a form of dominance. Basically they want to ask these questions to see how much crap you want to deal with. The problem is, they're actually a good weed out for you since you can guess what the rest of the relationship will be like if you "pass". I see this kind of silliness in job interviews. Usually its coming from a person that wants to load up his work place with sycophants and people pleasers. I've only read about this stuff on forums and reddit, and thought it was something that millennials were doing, not grown men with divorces and half-paid off mortgages under their belt.
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