My insecurity broke me and my ex up and now I'm very depressed.

[STEVE 05]

Hi, thanks so much for that reply it has been really usefull thanks. I live in Warrington up in Cheshire in the northwest.

You are absolutely right about everything you say. When we broke up back in March I was all over the place to be honest and I felt so inferior and insecure. I even found it difficult going to work and going about my day to day routine. She took so much away from me and I gave her so much attention and love, I was just too wrapped up at the time to think negatively about the situation. I just kept saying to myself 'I love her and nothing else matters'. I basically thought of her as a massive part of my life. Alot of this, my Dad has often said to me, is down to the fact that Rachel is my first proper girlfriend. I haven't been involved with other girls before because of my shyness and lack of self confidence, something which I think has improved a great deal in the last 18 months especially, until I met Rachel that is.

When she started texting me again after breaking up with her the first time, I was to be honest just so over the moon. I had gotten over her, or at least, I was beginning to learn that life goes on. But when she first texted me at the beginning of August, it quickly became clear to me that she clearly wasn't committed to me at all. I texted her a couple of times asking can we meet up and talk, but she kept making excuses all the time saying that she was too busy. She's currently rehearsing for a show at her drama group and she said that the weekend after the show at the beginning of October she will be free to see me. This was fine, until last Sunday, my stepmum's sister who works with Rachel came to the house and said to me she can't stop talking about a guy called Stuart who is one of her old school friends and that I should be cautious. Anyway, Rachel texted me on Tuesday saying she was going to a concert in October with non other than this Stuart and a few friends of his from university. When I got this text I instantly thought to myself, well she can spend time with him and not me something isn't right at all. I then got a text on Friday afternoon from her saying she was going to a friends house for a meal and sleeping over. Upon receiving this text it finally dawned on me what the hell am I doing wasting my time with this loser. She clearly doesn't want to meet me, because if she did she would not being going to her friends house for a meal and she would come to my house instead. So I texted her saying it was all over. She tried to turn the tables yesterday saying I hope I'm happy with myself for what's happened. At this I replied saying something like how dare you turn the tables on me. If you were a church goer you would understand how I'm feeling and isn't god supposed to bring people together and more closely. She then replied in capital letters saying that I started this and warned me never to question her faith again. I then sent a brief reply saying she had to grow up and stop acting to bloody childish and that I would ''never'' text her again. Since then I haven't heard anything from her thankfully, so I think she's got the message now that's it's all over.

My family have all been saying to me for a while now that when I meet the right girl, she will be wanting to spend time with me and not holding back and the relationship would not be one sided like it was with Rachel. I kept saying to myself that things would get better, but I'm finally at last accepting that I can do so much better than her, she simply isn't worth the time of day.

Rachel is 21, although the way she reacts to situations she acts more like a teenager. She is just so imature and childish.

Thanks again for the reply though, it has opened my eyes even more now and you are completely right. I suppose life is one big learning curve isn't it really. We each learn from our mistakes and move forward and make the most out of our lives.

I am now concentrating my time on my new job and I just hope the right girl comes along. I guess I just have to be patient.

 

Thanks again, take care.

Steve.

[soft heart]

Well, I am glad to hear that I could at least made you realise that none of it was really your fault! If she texts you again, trying to make you feel guilty or whatever.. do not text her back. Ignore her! She doesn't have any respect for you as a person. How old are you? anyway, take time to heal, to discover yourself.. what you want and what makes you happy and when you probably least expect it, you might meet a girl who will want to spend time with you, who will be happy if you ask her to go to a cinema or to go for a walk or to play golf together.. whatever you can think of, she will appreciate that and she will not find stupid excuses to avoid you. And most importantly she will not bring her mother with her and she will be happy to get to know you as a person and not playing games over text messages! It's ridiculous!

 

I have got feeling that the more people we experience in life, both good and bad, we will realise what we want and what we don't want because we can actually compare.. Try to close the chapter with this girl. She really doesn't sound like she is a good girl with a good heart. And it really surprises me that she behaves this way at her age.. I mean I thought when I read the story that she was like 16 or 17. Acting so immature and childish! And you did the right thing, if she is sooooooooo religious and she is "walking with god" as her sweet mum told you, I am pretty sure that God can't be too happy with her behaviour and he has probably already prepared for her a little punishment, meaning one day she will be treated like she treated you and she will then realise what a cold and heartless person she was with you but by then she has got to deal with it! I mean I am not religious but I thought that people who believe are supposed to be loving and forgiving and I don't what so I don't really see how truthful she is to you and to herself.. but that's her problem. You know that you have been honest with your feelings since you met her, you showed her your genuine feelings and she chose not to appreciate it. Well, bad lack for her!

 

If I were you, I would not rush into a new relationship. You have been hurt by this girl for some time, so try to heal slowly step by step... and maybe now it's time to work on yourself and your shyness and a lack of confidence. Try to speak to your father (he sounds like a really good and decent man who wants the best for you), try to find people who care for you and try to do something with your life so you can be proud of yourself and im sure your confidence will grow.. go to the gym, buy some nice clothes, learn new things. She refused to love you back, so now it's time to redirect your love to you. Think of yourself as someone who you love and think how could I let myself be treated this way? How could I do this to myself? I am sorry, I know I neglected you for another person.. I will give you all my love because I didn't give it to you for some time! Just be really nice to yourself! and I am sure with time you will think, how could I ever love this girl.. and I am sure you will be stronger because you learned the hard way! And remember girls love guys with hobbies and who have achieved something because they will admire you and I am sure as a man you want to feel admired;) And of course, the more we are admired, the more we can feel confident but try not to make the same mistake like I do.. don't look for things you are lacking in other person! If you don't feel confident, not proud enough or not happy with yourself, the other person might temporarily make you feel better about yourself but it will make them feel pressured. If you are naturally shy and not confident enough, it's hard to suddenly be a player who has so much confidence so don't worry, you shouldn't feel like you must change yourself. I just think that now it's time to work on yourself and at least try to make some of your dreams come true and you will feel so much better about yourself and then you will be so much attractive to others! This girl wasn't good for you because she lowered your self-esteem even more. We need people around us who can bring the best out of us I think. If they make us feel worse about ourselves than we already feel, I think it must be a sign that they are not right people for us to spend so much efforts for.. I really hope that you will feel better soon but don't force yourself, try to feel your feelings and gradually it will be better.

 

I wish I could learn all this as well! I feel like I have simillar problems like you and I am 27..so I still have a lot to learn.

[STEVE 05]

Hi, yes you are absolutely right. I definatley need to take a long hard look at my life and how I can improve it. I have come on leaps and bounds over the last 12 months with my confidence. I used to live on my own in a council flat, but my Dad offered me a lifeline in January asking me to live with him. I had gotten used to my own independance, but I just felt so trapped living on my own and I felt as though I was going nowhere. I had a job nearby at the time, but I never went out of the door when I got home. I still don't now I'm living with my Dad that much, but at least now I have company and I can share my troubles with my Dad which is a big weight of my mind. I am the type of person who doesn't really like worrying my family or anyone else with my problems, but I am slowly starting to learn since moving with my Dad, that this is really helpfull.

I am 26. I used to dwell alot on not having a girlfriend, or not having any friends in general (apart from colleages at work), but I have come to the correct conclusion that the only reason for this is because I never go out and make the effort. It takes alot of courage to go somewhere on my own though, probably because of my anxieties which I think stem from my childhood which seem to have stayed with me into my adult life. But I am definatley getting better in that respect. I am setting myself little goals such as going to the shops on my own and going into the town centre on my own, getting the bus etc and starting work in a new job is also really helping me out as well as I am meeting friendly new people there.

You are right though. I am definatley not rushing into any relationship now. To be honest, I don't think I can be bothered, I just feel like I have to priortise my life and make more time for me rather than other people for a change. Like you said before, I have to learn how to be selfish. I'm not like this by nature, but I definatley have to learn to be from now on.

One thing which I can say though is I have now learnt not to go into a relationship doing all the giving. I was sending Rachel flowers to her work's address every other week and she gave me nothing in return. The next time I will take it much slower and not get so wrapped up. That's probably easier said than done granted, but I think I have learnt enough from my relationship with Rachel, to understand that one way love is definatley not worth the hastle.

Funnily enough, unlike the last time we split up, I don't have any remorse or regrets over what's happened. I felt a little regret yesterday when I got the text from her, but I was strong enough thankfully to hold back and be firm.

Thanks again so much for the replies. We have a lot in common it seems and I have taken into account everything you have said. It has helped me out loads, you have been really helpfull thanks so much.

 

Take care,

Steve.

[soft heart]

Firstly, look at the website http://www.lovetactics.com and http://www.askmen. com. Maybe it will help you but I wouldn't spend too much time sitting at home.

 

Oh, I am so sorry to hear that you are facing so many difficulties. I know how hard it is when we suffer because of our childhood experience. I think it wouldn't be a bad idea to go and see a counsellor because you seem to suffere a lot. May I ask you something quite personal? You don't mention any friends in your post! you say that you go out on your own and things like that! do you play any sport? Maybe it would be worth considering joining some sport clubs and this way you can meet people and make friends. It's too hard to try to deal with all our difficulties on our own. I think you really need a male company! Have you considered joining some clubs or societies? It's going to help you! Not only will it make you busier, fill your life with interests, it will also make you feel more confident and happier! Your life will become suddenly more interesting! I have got to be really honest here and that's only because I am trying to help you.. You know if we meet a person we like or love and the person sees that we do not have any other things in our lives then them, they will surely loose their interest! Why? Because we only concentrate on them and this makes the other person feel heavy! It's really attractive when the other person has got other interests.

 

Let me tell you a little story... I had a serious boyfriend a few years ago and we really loved each other. When I met him, he was really popular and he had his dreams and hobbies and he was very passionate about football and so on...but then he fell in love with me so much that he lost himself for me. He stopped being the passionate, interesting guy I met. He wasn't following his dreams anymore because he was constantly worried that he might loose me if he does and he wanted to spend every second of his time with me.. but I felt really heavy because I had to study hard for my uni and I was under pressure and I sometimes just needed to be on my own.. well, one day the situation got worse and I had to tell him to go and play football with guys.. I even told him to go out with guys. I had to push him.. well, he did but unfortunately things were not the same anymore and later on we broke up because I didn't have the same feelings for him anymore. I mean I am saying I broke up with him because of the reasons above, there are other reasons but I will not go into them but it was not helping my feelings to see him so lost for me. My next boyfriend was the exact opposite .. He had hobbies, he was also passionate about football, he had many friends and he never neglected his friends.. he kept his individuality and I really like that! Of course if they put you on the bottom list of their priorities, it's a different story like your ex or my ex did but what I am saying that there has to be a middle way that you combine love with your other interests!

 

How big is your city? Is there a university nearby? Why don't you go and suscribe for a language course.. learn a new language! Go and join a sport team.. have you considered visiting another country? Maybe take your dad with you if you worry about money... Try to think what could you do with your time.. and this way you meet more people, possibly make new friends, and you will have so much more to share with your next girlfriend:o and you won't feel so much anymore that you need the other person to fulfill you completely! And if you become passionate about something, try to keep the passion even if you fall in love! If you feel too shy now to join clubs or teams, why don't you go to a local book shop and find books about something that interests you. Maybe you will find that reading about something will help you to develop a new interest and then you could go out there and try it. maybe you want to read about other countries, cultures, how people live in different countries.. or maybe you want to read about ships or sports.. anything really that you will find interesting! Maybe there is a local club where you can learn chess.. What I am trying to say that if you go out there and try to find an interest and you will learn it, your confidence will grow because you are feeling that you are achieving something! Maybe you want to become the best chef! Women love if men can cook well!!

I am sure there must be a cooking course somewhere nearby!

 

Tell me what do like doing and what is your favourite cuisine and your hobbies and interests! If you feel like telling me of course.. don't feel pushed!! I am just trying to make you realise that there is so much more you can offer to yourself! I am sure about that!!!!!!

[STEVE 05]

Hi, thanks for the usefull info in that last post and for the help. Well this week I have been really focused doing my job and just getting on with things basically and I've already started making the effort on going out. I went out with some friends from work at lunch time at the local pub for a drink and I had a brilliant time. I'm now really moving forward now and I feel like the problems I had with Rachel I'm starting to put behind me.

Thanks again Softheart for the helpfull posts last week, it's really pushed me into moving forward which has been a massive help to me, thanks again.

Steve.

[STEVE 05]

Hiya all. Well I've had quite a bad day today and I'm looking for some advice which may hopefully help me out and get over this horrible revelation I've found out today. My stepmum told me today in confidence that my ex girlfriend Rachel has met someone else and is now really happy with this other person. My stepmum got this info from her sister who works with Rachel and she thought I would be okay with knowing the news. Well, in as much as I put on a brave face when she told me, I am now totally gutted and am feeling really down and low since I found out. I just keep feeling to myself, this wouldn't be happening if I wasn't so insecure in the first place. I just feel so down now after hearing this. She has got on with her life, but for me it's so difficult to do that. I'm shy (a problem which I can't sort out it seems) and lack self confidence and I keep worrying that I will never find a girlfriend now because of this ever growing problem. I just wish I could be someone different, but it's no that simple is it.

I'm just so stuck in a rut at the moment, I really need some advice how to get this sorted out in my head. Hope someone can help.

Steve.