Says yes to hanging out and then ignores me?

[Rimbaud59]

There was this beautiful girl in one of my classes. We would see each other for one hour per week. She was attracted to me immediately. We got assigned a group exercise together and I teased her mercilessly. Later that night, she and her best friend added me on Facebook. So they had obviously been talking about me. This girl would later appear hanging around my classes - she was putting herself in my orbit. On one occasion she was standing in line in front of me and when the line started to move she pulled out (it wasn't her class) and she walked past me, staring all the time at me. It was very flattering. I timidly said 'Hi *********' but I don't think she heard me.

 

Meanwhile in our class, she would situate herself near me, or in a position where she was near enough to talk or see me. It only became apparent to me after it kept happening and we kept getting assigned group exercises together. She would flirt and I would flirt back and I really enjoyed her energy and attention.

 

One time before class before our year was going to end, I spoke to her and she was giving me the biggest smiles I had ever witnessed from a person. It was truly invigorating and I really knew that she was very attracted to me. So I asked her out and she said 'Yes'.

 

We went on a date (it was only for an hour) but I had a headache and was quite unwell (I was recovering from a coldsore - which made me cancel the date previously, and erroneously made me schedule an impromptu date when I was feeling less than perfect. I was scared I wouldn't get another chance). It went okay, but I didn't have my normal charm and banter. I was extremely tired and had a pain in the back of my head. I didn't even touch the dinner I ordered. The same charm and banter which impressed her in class was not really to be see. Nevertheless we kissed passionately at the end of the date. She admitted that she found me very attractive and was sexually attracted to me. So I expected that I would be able to remedy a lukewarm date.

 

I asked her out the previous week and she made an excuse stating that she was busy. But she continually would flirt with me in class. I realised the date didn't go too well but I was genuinely feeling unwell, and I expected to be able to turn the situation around. We only had two classes left so in desperation I impromptu invited her for a coffee before the penultimate class. We got on really well. We laughed a lot. And I was happy.

 

Before out last class she invited me to have coffee with her. It went even better this time. She laughed loads. Told many funny stories and ended with her body facing me, stroking her hair and peering into my eyes. I knew at that moment I should have just kissed her.

 

But since then, and it's been 10 months I text her and she say's she's interested in hanging out. She told me ''she was not disinterested''; that ''hanging out would be fun''; ''that she was interested in hanging out'' But then when I try to set a date she ignores the text? Last week she told me what time she was working (8-4); where she would meet me (at the station) and agreed a time (5pm). But when I suggested which day she completely ignored me. And every other subsequent text. I don't understand that mentality? If she told she wasn't interested or told me 'no' I wouldn't be texting her. But instead she constantly tells me 'yes,' and then ignores me? What gives? I don't understand. I know she's physically attracted to me and the last I saw her she initiated to hang out. I feel hopeless. I know that if we hanged out for 20 minutes we would get on famously. I know she would end up kissing me. But now she's ignoring me? I don't understand this predilection.

 

This has happened to me once before. A girl completely ignored me after being attracted to me. When I finally got her out we ended up at her place having sex. What can I do? I know I'm not deluding myself about what would happen. But I also know this girl is acting in a way which is telling me that she is not remotely interested and to move on - (but after being attracted to me?) It's such a shame. I've barely ever spent any time with her other than 10 or 15 minutes here or there. I would only need one drink with her. Why do girls do this? I just think it is stupid. Why can't we hang out casually for (god forbid!) 20 minutes and see where things go? I'm not even asking her to date me or have a relationship with me - but just to hang out and have fun. Is all the laughter and attraction we had dissipated because I was ill? Because of one formal ocassion? Even then, afterwards, we got on famously when we talked and jested. I find it truly incomprehensible.

Edited December 15, 2015 by Rimbaud59

[Diezel]

Oh jesus christ... 10 months?

 

Just stop texting her already. What's to understand about her mentality? She's bored and texts you and that's about it.

 

Just drop it already. Block her number and delete. And don't ask WHY she's doing it... the answer remains the same: She's not that into you.

[Rimbaud59]

She is into me. That's the stock reply when someone isn't contacting you. I know. And I know she isn't arranging a date. But that's the crux. She is definitely into me. Unless being sexually attracted to someone classes as not being interested? That's the point. And it's a shame she keeps backing out from hanging out because she would see how foolish she's being. But I will not disagree that in her headspace she - at this current time - thinks she's not either attracted to me or doesn't want to hang out.

 

I've only hung out with this girl for an hour when I was feeling unwell. But she was all over me prior the date, and subsequently afterwards. To the extent that I'm literally like 'WTF?' I read all the time on here about very tepid dates and tepid attraction about people who get second and third dates. She kisses me passionately and I don't get a second more to hang out socially? The whole point is that we had great connection and chemistry (she wouldn't have dated and kissed me otherwise?) and yet, she's not willing to hang out a second more. It's frustrating. Even moreso, becuase I feel that someone who was quite clearly a significant match is not interested. But if we lived in the same city or went to the same school or lived in the same dorm we would've spent more time together and definitely - without a doubt - be an item. But because we were classmates and barely spent any time together I can't get more than a single hour.

 

Sexual attraction is biological, such as personality and other factors. We clearly clicked. And we cleary enjoyed each other's company. She wouldn't have been stalking me otherwise. I'm wondering why does a formal date when I was nervous and had a headache outweigh all the impromptu dates we had when we clearly liked each other? Why is that? She clearly wanted to kiss me in the coffee shop (and that's the last I've seen her). And in class, after that, she was bantering and teasing me mercilessly.

Edited December 15, 2015 by Rimbaud59

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm a woman too. There's no way in h*ll I'd evade a date for 10 months if I were truly interested in a guy. It just wouldn't happen.

 

Time to take the hint and read between the lines OP. You guys sound young and she isn't mature enough yet to directly tell you it's not going to happen right now. Stop trying to set it up. 10 months is WAY too long to have waited around for a girl who's just not as into it as you are. Take it from another woman.

[Rimbaud59]

That's true, and I do know this.

 

But when I spoke to her online she was the one telling me that hanging out would be fun and that she was willing to hang out. I didn't ask her or mention it.

 

I asked her if she was merely being polite (i.e purposely giving her a way out) and she said no. She was interested in hanging out. She could quite clearly say: 'I'm sorry I can't'. or some other excuse. She could say 1,000 different replies, but instead she say's she's interested (which makes sense to me, because we clearly had a high level of connection and chemistry) and arranges all the variables and then ignores me?

 

I agree. She is clearly not into me, or no longer into me. But, I just don't understand it. It would mean that she kissed me passionatley and then (without seeing me) decided that she wasn't into me? People who are not attracted do not kiss someone else passionately? I wouldn't be so remiss if we then went on another couple of dates and realised it didn't work, but she basically rejected me after kissing me passionately? That's the last I've seen her socially. She hasn't remotely given me a chance after that and I find that extremely perplexing. I expected us to at least see each other again in a social context. It makes no sense to me. She went out with me hoping to kiss passionately.

Edited December 15, 2015 by Rimbaud59

[ExpatInItaly]

Stop fixating on this passionate kissing. It doesn't always have a deeper meaning. She could well have been feeling it in the moment, wanted to impress you, who knows. People sometimes even have sex on a first date but it doesn't guarantee a second one. Some people are able to enjoy the physical pleasure without feeling a deeper spark.

 

I think that for your own good, you need to stop communicating with her outside of necessary classroom activities. If she asks you to hang out, tell her that unless she sets a date/time and follows through, you're not interested in making plans with her. She sounds as though she likes the attention but that's about it. How old is she? And you?

[Rimbaud59]

Okay. I will definitely take your advice. I know she's no longer that into me but I was just trying to delve into the deeper reasons why. I thought we were going to be inseperable judging by our rapport together. It doesn't turn up everyday and it stings when it doesn't get a chance to develop. I'm more peeved that we basically only spent an hour together, and we should've spent more time. I'm okay with rejection. I've been on multiple dates since with other people and I've had some success and other rejections. But I keep thinking of her. I've been rejected by other people and haven't reached out once.

 

I'm in my late twenties. She's in her early twenties.

 

But the point is also this: Why does she not just say 'No' and then ignore all the other messages? Or why doesn't she just ignore the inital message? So, in effect, she's being dishonest and then ignoring me? I don't understand that mentality. If she wanted to stop me asking which day she was free, she would say either say no or just ignore the question. I don't know how saying yes and then ignoring someone helps the situation whatsoever? I would never in a million years do that. She could just as eas

Edited December 15, 2015 by Rimbaud59

[smackie9]

Maybe it's your hygiene. Seriously I remember this from college. A guy had issues with his body odor and he was oblivious to it. We ended up talking about it....he fixed the problem.

 

Or your personality doesn't match your looks. Maybe you come off as too eager or you come off as weak because you don't make a move, and show you sexually desire them....not in a pervy way but with complements, touching, kissing.

 

I'm just throwing it out there....talk to a close friend, maybe they can shed some light.

[Rimbaud59]

Thank you for your reply. But it's not my hygiene. The personality not matching the looks was a good point. But, even though we had only one date, it was not a first date, so to speak. Because we knew that we clearly liked each other from class. We had many impromptu dates, so to speak, where we would be alone and we spoke for about ten to fifteen minutes. I probably could have kissed her within five minutes on the date.

 

But what I really wanted to know is this: Why would someone say Yes and then ignore someone? I just do not understand that mentality. I was asked out the other day and to think I would say yes and then ignore them is inconceivable. I just think it's a bit crappy. How is that more effective than saying No? How is that a method to dissaude someone or to stop them persuing? If I did that to someone, I would be fully expecting them to text me asking to clarify the finer details, and then to be a little confused and bitter about the end result? Surely if the person was trying to be polite and non-confrontational, an excuse or a rejection would be much more benefical. If I wanted somebody to stop texting me I would do completely the opposite of saying Yes, and then confirming other details.

Edited December 15, 2015 by Rimbaud59

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you for your reply. But it's not my hygiene. The personality not matching the looks was a good point. But, even though we had only one date, it was not a first date, so to speak. Because we knew that we clearly liked each other from class. We had many impromptu dates, so to speak, where we would be alone and we spoke for about ten to fifteen minutes. I probably could have kissed her within five minutes on the date.

 

But what I really wanted to know is this: Why would someone say Yes and then ignore someone? I just do not understand that mentality. I was asked out the other day and to think I would say yes and then ignore them is inconceivable. I just think it's a bit crappy. How is that more effective than saying No? How is that a method to dissaude someone or to stop them persuing? If I did that to someone, I would be fully expecting them to text me asking to clarify the finer details, and then to be a little confused and bitter about the end result? Surely if the person was trying to be polite and non-confrontational, an excuse or a rejection would be much more benefical. If I wanted somebody to stop texting me I would do completely the opposite of saying Yes, and then confirming other details.

 

She might be one of those girls who has a big problem being direct.

 

She might be one of those girls who flirts when she's bored without serious intentions.

 

She might be seeing someone else but not totally committed, so agrees to see you and then backs out due to guilt.

 

But does it really matter why she does it? Because the result is the same. She continues to avoid a date.

 

Just go dark on her. If she seriously wants to see you, she can act like a big girl and make a plan. Don't waste any more time trying to understand her. It's not worth it.

[Diezel]

I've never understood the logic of someone who keeps repeating "She is definitely into me" when talking about a woman who won't even arrange to see him or follow through with said plans.

 

Think about it.

[Rimbaud59]

Thank you for the replies. It is all really appreciated. I just wanted to know what others thought. The main crux is, which I didn't mention, just so I got to see what the replies were, was that she has a boyfriend. It's unclear to me if we went on a date when they had temporarily broken up or whether she cheated. I was also amiss that, rather then refusing me directly, she never once said 'I can't. I have a boyfriend' or something of that ilk. So I was always assuming (in my mind) that she wanted to see if we connected and clicked again before dumping her boyfriend. I kinda saw myself as his replacement (whether that is moral or not is mute). So it surprised me that she said yes and then ignored me.

 

Anyways, Thank you:

 

Diezel

ExpatInItaly

Smackie 9

 

All your replies were valuable and I will stop persuing her. I've just blocked her from my Facebook so I stop messaging her and I've deleted her from my phone. As Expat commented, she can get into contact with me if she's interested. And Diezel, you are surely right. I do understand what you're saying. I think it's more that she's got a boyfriend, though, than the fact the she's not into me. But maybe she completely lost attraction? Who knows?

[Diezel]

Boyfriend or not, it doesn't matter.

 

Learn from the experience and move on to a woman who WILL be available for you.

[smackie9]

Thank you for your reply. But it's not my hygiene. The personality not matching the looks was a good point. But, even though we had only one date, it was not a first date, so to speak. Because we knew that we clearly liked each other from class. We had many impromptu dates, so to speak, where we would be alone and we spoke for about ten to fifteen minutes. I probably could have kissed her within five minutes on the date.

 

But what I really wanted to know is this: Why would someone say Yes and then ignore someone? I just do not understand that mentality. I was asked out the other day and to think I would say yes and then ignore them is inconceivable. I just think it's a bit crappy. How is that more effective than saying No? How is that a method to dissaude someone or to stop them persuing? If I did that to someone, I would be fully expecting them to text me asking to clarify the finer details, and then to be a little confused and bitter about the end result? Surely if the person was trying to be polite and non-confrontational, an excuse or a rejection would be much more benefical. If I wanted somebody to stop texting me I would do completely the opposite of saying Yes, and then confirming other details.

There are people who are so passive about telling the truth, they would rather hope you get the frickin hint. Since you have been trying for 10 months to "hang out" with her, speaks volumes to me that yes it is your personality that is scaring these girls away. You are creeping them out somehow.....to eager? too needy? Too weak? only someone who knows you can answer that.

[Rimbaud59]

I'm not over eager. I just expect 'yes' to mean 'yes' and 'no' to mean 'no.'

Perhaps I had turned into a stalker to get a straight answer from someone, but how are you meant to react when someone says 'yes?' You ask them to clarify details. I surely would have stopped texting her if she had said 'no.'

 

This was our first conversation in about 6 months. Notice that I keep offering her a way out to reject me. To make it painless. In Bold are my attempts to reject me in a polite fashion.

 

I said:

 

I keep delusionally thinking that because we had mutual attraction and an instantaneous connection you would be interested in hanging out, but i forget that you have a boyfriend and you're now severly disinterested?

 

She said:

 

I'm not disinterested.

 

I said:

 

How do you mean?

 

She said:

 

I'd be interested in hanging out

 

I said:

 

Are you saying: you would hang out but you have a boyfriend? or are you suggesting that you're happy to hang out?

 

She said:

 

Hanging out seems fun.

 

I said:

 

So when are you free to get together?

 

She said:

 

(no response and message not seen)

 

3 days later:

 

I said:

 

Oh. Très. Très. Confuse. Je suis très beau. You said you were interested in hanging out, but you didn’t respond or acknowledge my attempt to make a definite arrangement of when to meet up? Were you just being polite and have no interest in meeting or willing to arrange a time? Either way, I hope you're rockin' and that post university life is good.

 

She said:

 

I'm sorry. I've been sick and juggling work and trying to get my teaching qualifications. I'm interested in hanging out.

 

Your bad French is very entertaining.

 

2 weeks later:

 

I ask her out.

 

She ignores me.

 

----------------------

 

I shouldn't have asked out a third time after this, granted. But when you like someone and they continually are telling you they want to hang out, you want to hang out. Why should she ignore me when I ask her out, more so when I ask if she's interested or not? Surely you would ignore both types of questions? The conversation is not included, but she begins to tell me, the third time I asked, when we can meet. (8-4) (at the station)

 

I don't know how that is dissauding me?

Edited December 15, 2015 by Rimbaud59

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm not over eager. I just expect 'yes' to mean 'yes' and 'no' to mean 'no.'

Perhaps I had turned into a stalker to get a straight answer from someone, but how are you meant to react when someone says 'yes?' You ask them to clarify details. I surely would have stopped texting her if she had said 'no.'

 

This was our first conversation in about 6 months. Notice that I keep offering her a way out to reject me. To make it painless. In Bold are my attempts to reject me in a polite fashion.

 

I said:

 

I keep delusionally thinking that because we had mutual attraction and an instantaneous connection you would be interested in hanging out, but i forget that you have a boyfriend and you're now severly disinterested?

 

She said:

 

I'm not disinterested.

 

I said:

 

How do you mean?

 

She said:

 

I'd be interested in hanging out

 

I said:

 

Are you saying: you would hang out but you have a boyfriend? or are you suggesting that you're happy to hang out?

 

She said:

 

Hanging out seems fun.

 

I said:

 

So when are you free to get together?

 

She said:

 

(no response and message not seen)

 

3 days later:

 

I said:

 

Oh. Très. Très. Confuse. Je suis très beau. You said you were interested in hanging out, but you didn’t respond or acknowledge my attempt to make a definite arrangement of when to meet up? Were you just being polite and have no interest in meeting or willing to arrange a time? Either way, I hope you're rockin' and that post university life is good.

 

She said:

 

I'm sorry. I've been sick and juggling work and trying to get my teaching qualifications. I'm interested in hanging out.

 

Your bad French is very entertaining.

 

2 weeks later:

 

I ask her out.

 

She ignores me.

 

----------------------

 

I shouldn't have asked out a third time after this, granted. But when you like someone and they continually are telling you they want to hang out, you want to hang out. Why should she ignore me when I ask her out, more so when I ask if she's interested or not? Surely you would ignore both types of questions? The conversation is not included, but she begins to tell me, the third time I asked, when we can meet. (8-4) (at the station)

 

I don't know how that is dissauding me?

 

Because honestly, OP, for most people no response would be enough to take the hint. She could probably see you weren't going to leave her alone and didn't want to hurt you altogether so "hanging out" was probably her way of trying to get you to stop pestering her.

 

If you are doing all of this knowing she's not even single, then you are over-eager. Forget about her and move on. Your future self will thank you for it.

[Rimbaud59]

Rejecting me isn't hurting me. Saying No does not hurt me. Saying yes and then ignoring me is hurting me. I find it incredibly rude and dishonest, and it wastes my time (but perhaps I wasted my own time).

 

You are right, ExpatInItaly, no doubt. Most people would taking being ignored as a hint. But at the time it seemed incongorous based on what she was saying. The first time she ignored me she didn't see the message, and when she said she was not being polite but was in fact interested caused me to ask her out again. At least she could have said she had changed her mind or something. I was even giving her permission to say she was being polite. I asked her multiple times so that I could avoid this scenario. I must have asked her four times.

 

In effect, she's saying green light, green light, green light, RED LIGHT.

I asked if she meant the RED LIGHT and she said no.

So the process resumed itself again.

 

There's also slightly a contextual factor. She normally just ignores something she doesn't want to answer. So the fact that she answered and did not ignore it, led me to believe that she was open to hanging out.

 

I've always in conversation with her repeated that I am very happy to leave her alone if she's not interested. I've told her that I have no problem if she's not interested. But she just ignores it and gives no answer. To such an extent that I blocked her to stop myself from messaging her and asked her to contact me if she changes her mind. I repearedly asked her to either arrange a time or to tell me she's not interested to clarify matters but she just ignores the question. Until i ask her out again and she starts by saying yes.

 

Anyways, I'm moving on from this. I still think she responded in a crappy fashion. I went out my way to be as transparent and communicative as possible. I tried to make it clear that I had no interest in pursuing her if she told me that she wasn't interested. All I wanted to know was if the lights were red or green? She would tell me green and then ignore me. I just think that sucks. It makes me look like a stalker, too.

Edited December 15, 2015 by Rimbaud59