thewitchercl Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Hello everyone, I've been debating with myself if I should write this or not, it's been on my mind for quite some time so I would really like to take it out now, and maybe receive some input from other people (excuse my bad english, but english is not my native language). I've been married for 10 years, have 2 kids, and I had what I though was a happy life and a good marriage, we share a lot, have lots of things in common, have great sex, etc. about 2 years ago, I checked her phone, and found a whatsapp chat with her EX, nothing really serious but it certainly was a concern, she would flirt with him, tell him things like "I miss you", or call him a lot.. anyway I confronted her and she stopped that inmediatly, now fast forward to 8 months ago, she's been playing this game (God of war) on her phone, some of you might know it, it's a war strategy game where you are required to join clans made by other players, and kill the other clans, so you need to talk a lot to your clan members, so after 4 months playing a lot, one day I take her phone (without having any kind of suspision), and found the in-game chat, where she was having cybersex with one guy from another country, and having another cybersex/cyber emotional affair with another guy from our country. With this last guy from our country she would have long talks everyday,they would literally talk about anything, they never told each other things like "I love you" or anything like that, but they would send each other lots of kisses, hugs, "i miss you" and she would always tell him that she wanted to meet him, and of course the cybersex sessions (there were even some pictures involved). When I found this I was very devastated, she "cheated" on me with 3 different guys, and this are 3 guys that I have discovered, I obviously lost all trust in her, so who knows how many more might be? Apparently it has all been 100% virtual, nothing physical, but who knows if this is true. When I confronted her with the evidence from this guys taken from her phone, she said that this was like a "virtual life" for her, that in reality it meant absolutely nothing to her and supposedly she stopped it and even uninstalled the game, I really don't know what to believe now, can you be with someone that lies and keeps and keeps lying to you? for many months I've had days in which I feel that I love her, but at the same time I just can't get over it, I feel that she has 0 respect for me after doing this with more than one guy, worst of all is that it was both an emotional and sexual affair, I believe that maybe she continues to be with me and saying that she loves me and all that crap because of our kids, our family and all that. I would really like to know what do you guys think? Thanks for taking your time to read
VeveCakes Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 That's cheating to me - and it probably doesn't end in that one game. I would end the relationship. 1
Methodical Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I'm married and have had cybersex with another woman. BUT, I approached hubs prior to engaging in my activities and he was onboard and gave consent. From time to time he would even tell me to relay a message to my online gf and she always retorted back, which I relayed to him as well. Actually, it made our sex life more interesting and broadened our horizons so he reaped benefits too . Your situation is different bc her actions were hidden and deceitful. I don't consider full disclosure (as in my case) cheating. I was upfront and hubs was informed and consented . 1
dreamingoftigers Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Nah. Forget about that one. Can't trust her with anything. "It's my virtual life." Give me a break.
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I don't care what anyone says, virtual affairs of any kind are as dangerous as real ones. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I've seen it tear apart couples countless times! Just because they're not physically together means absolutely nothing. It's still cheating, it's still inappropriate and it's still destructive. The fact that you caught her once and then 8 months later she's not only back at it with strangers this time but three that you only know of at this point speaks volumes about her and especially how she values you and your relationship. Clearly she's not as satisfied in your marriage as you seem to think. Cyber affairs are tricky ones to recover from. You never really know if they're done with it which ends up making you severely paranoid. And that is no way to live. You have some hard decisions to make. I'm sorry for what you're going through. 2
Ladyjane14 Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 No boundaries + Need for attention/validation = Not trustworthy. All too often these people go on to cheat in person. Get help now. Don't take it lightly, and don't stop until you've resolved those two issues completely. 5
Mind-Chants Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Cyber life is a parallel life with a complete ecosystem with more control, more freedom and less moral hang-ups. Entirely a new self concept is created. Out of real and cyber life, they find cyber life desirable because it has no moral liability and has less inhibitions. This cyber ego doesn't face anxieties as real ego faces. This multiplicity in life has got severe consequences once it reaches addiction level. Its like a drug. When they get out of it, they suffer from withdrawal. They seek escape from it in some way. U mentioned abut uninstalling things but i should warn u to check other things for possible stress release. Since u mentioned two kids and her spending more time online, I have my doubts about her spending quality time with kids. Plus there is need for some kind of consequences for her actions else your inaction and only confrontation would reinforce her belief that she is doing nothing wrong. "When I confronted her with the evidence from this guys taken from her phone, she said that this was like a "virtual life" for her, that in reality it meant absolutely nothing to her" Well emotional compartmentalization is particularly not healthy for a relationship and family. Her fantasy cyber life with sexual and emotional relationships actually qualifies for cheating both at physical and emotional level. Irrespective of nature of physical relationships (actual physical contact or mental imagery), the gratification originates from her mind. I see them as equals. Do some research in Internet Addiction Disorder to see for signs. 3
Spectre Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Why continue this? You said you have no trust and rightfully so. She did this with 3 different dudes? Dear lord. Then she blamed it on it being a "virtual life". I have seen crap like this before with that damn "Second Life" game.
merrmeade Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 But what has she DONE about anything? How has she worked at changing? Surely neither of you thinks this is just a matter of getting caught and so she stops — and that somehow magically fixes things. What has she done about the affront to the marriage (cheating) and the loss of commitment/integrity/honesty with you, her partner? What does she understand about her need to engage in this kind of [whatever it is — adventure, risk-taking, sexual fantasy, etc] behavior? And what is she doing about it? Please don't tell me she just said sorry, won't do it any more and you were okay with that? There's a problem with her, regardless of whatever problem there might be in the marriage. She got something out of this experience. It's not compatible with her real lifestyle, but I doubt if she can just turn off the need because she 'should' not have it. You're burying your head in the sand if you think it will just disappear because you know. In other words: She or both of you need to be in therapy. I think you need to give her an ultimatum but figure out what that is. 2
Spectre Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 OP I think you know the truth and you said it yourself: she wouldn't of done this if she had any respect for you. Or any true love for you. Plus damn, three different dudes? Chick needs a job or something. 1
spanz1 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 I feel a little differently about this. She is a gamer, and as such likes to live in fantasy worlds. You knew this about her before you married. Most women would not touch an online game with a 10 foot pole, so you have to admit she is already a unique type. She has chosen, in the context of her video gaming, to explore other erotic fantasies. Not physically, she is not going to gaming conventions without you and hooking up with these guys. She is doing it with you siting right there in the room. So.....why? is your at home sex life devoid of creativity? Do you ever game with her? Do you ever cosplay with her? If you are not doing anything to stimulate the sexual fantasy life she has, then she will write you out of the game scene. Try joining in with her. Play her games. role play new exciting things. See if you can take her unhealthy online fantasy sex acts and turn them into very healthy and creative real sex acts in your own bedroom.
Spectre Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 I feel a little differently about this. She is a gamer, and as such likes to live in fantasy worlds. You knew this about her before you married. Oh please this is bunk. Being a gamer does not equate to having little fantasy relationships with members of the opposite sex. Most women would not touch an online game with a 10 foot pole, so you have to admit she is already a unique type. Again there is a difference between merely being a gamer and what this woman does. She has chosen, in the context of her video gaming, to explore other erotic fantasies. Not physically, she is not going to gaming conventions without you and hooking up with these guys. She is doing it with you siting right there in the room. She has chosen to emotionally cheat. Please don't dress it up as her just playing a game. She took the fantasy too far by interacting this way with other living breathing men. The fact she could do this with him sitting in the room shows what utter disrespect she has for the OP. So.....why? is your at home sex life devoid of creativity? Do you ever game with her? Do you ever cosplay with her? If you are not doing anything to stimulate the sexual fantasy life she has, then she will write you out of the game scene. Try joining in with her. Play her games. role play new exciting things. See if you can take her unhealthy online fantasy sex acts and turn them into very healthy and creative real sex acts in your own bedroom. This would all be good advice if she hadn't already cheated on him with three different men. So your advice is basically like if the guys wife had sex with another man you then tell him to go have a 3some with them or something. You seem to be trying to blame this on the OP, but this isn't his fault. If the wife feels unsatisfied she could voice these concerns. Also he might just not be into erotic video game type stuff. I'm a big gamer and it would be cool if my girlfriend was into games a lot, but if she was into games in *this* specific way I wouldn't want to play with her. It's kind of creepy. There is also the issue of this woman's idea of a fantasy is apparently cheating on her husband with multiple men at once.
Bryanp Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 If the roles had been reversed do you think she would have been so forgiving and accepting as you have been?
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