For those who have cheated, a question

[jimmyjohn27]

Was the sex "more" than what was typical with your spouse? It seems imagination can be the most vicious when the betrayed spouse is left to deal with their demons. Since men typically cheat for the physical, I could see them doing more wild stuff with the affair. Women typically cheat for emotional connection but since the decision was made to cross the line, I could see the "in for a penny, in for a pound" (no pun intended) take over and inhibitions be damned.

I don't ask this to be some sort of kinky reading- Gawd knows there is enough of that. I just think the unknowns of the encounter are what haunt people. It's natural. Hearing, in general terms (i.e."yeah, we did more stuff" or "No, it was pretty ho-hum") could provide valuable insight for their decision-making process post-affair.

[cocorico]

In our case, it was definitely "more" because there was nothing happening between him and the now-xW.

[gettingstronger]

From what I gather from our OWs rants (for lack of a better word, she still intrudes in our life over 2 years later) it was about the same as me and my husband but far more "involved" than her and her husband- my husband and I are pretty sexually adventurous, her husband was not-

[road]

Was the sex "more" than what was typical with your spouse? It seems imagination can be the most vicious when the betrayed spouse is left to deal with their demons. Since men typically cheat for the physical, I could see them doing more wild stuff with the affair. Women typically cheat for emotional connection but since the decision was made to cross the line, I could see the "in for a penny, in for a pound" (no pun intended) take over and inhibitions be damned.

I don't ask this to be some sort of kinky reading- Gawd knows there is enough of that. I just think the unknowns of the encounter are what haunt people. It's natural. Hearing, in general terms (i.e."yeah, we did more stuff" or "No, it was pretty ho-hum") could provide valuable insight for their decision-making process post-affair.

 

 

 

 

The sex for the WW could of been the best she ever had. Did things she never did before and loved it. Equal to what she had with you. Equal and same or equal and different. Not good. The worst. Vanilla.

 

 

So to try and guess how good the sex was with the OM for the WW was, is never going to get the truth for the BH.

 

 

So the BH asks the WW. How does he know he got answered truthfully?

 

 

Then how does the BH believe the WW when she tells her BH? Is the WW rating the sex quality as poor being honest or is the WW doing damage control to lessen her BH's pain?

 

 

Or asked who was better and the WW says it was not better just different, is this not just the WW trying to sound believable and doing damage control?

 

 

Or the WW says OM was the best ever. Was that the truth or did WW say that to hurt her BH.

[jimmyjohn27]

Road: you've hit the nail on the head. What you say is exactly the reason I thought to ask those who have had affairs and ask them to chime in. If 100 respond and all 100 say "yeah, it was better", then the BS can fairly confidently know how the WS felt about the sex. If it's 50/50 or 80/20 it was bad, then it is at least a representative figure on which to consider.

[merrmeade]

Road: you've hit the nail on the head. What you say is exactly the reason I thought to ask those who have had affairs and ask them to chime in. If 100 respond and all 100 say "yeah, it was better", then the BS can fairly confidently know how the WS felt about the sex. If it's 50/50 or 80/20 it was bad, then it is at least a representative figure on which to consider.

And this comparison study is helpful for you personally, mildly interesting, data for research? If it's the first one, 'helpful' how? If it's the last one, why on earth would you trust it?

[jimmyjohn27]

Merrmeade: And my answer to your question interests you why? We could keep going 'round and 'round here . For sake of simplicity, let's just say it could provide a datapoint. As far as accuracy, any question is completely reliant on the honesty of the respondent.

[katielee]

Or, the WW starts telling the truth, time after time, painful as it is.

And when they get to this question she tells the truth. "It was disappointing." And he believes her.

[road]

Road: you've hit the nail on the head. What you say is exactly the reason I thought to ask those who have had affairs and ask them to chime in. If 100 respond and all 100 say "yeah, it was better", then the BS can fairly confidently know how the WS felt about the sex. If it's 50/50 or 80/20 it was bad, then it is at least a representative figure on which to consider.

 

 

I did not hit the nail on the head for all of those examples that I cited have been true at one time. Sex with the OM has been from the best to the worst and every place in between.

 

 

Thing is how can we prove that the BH got truth from his WW?

 

 

Polygraph, has been beaten.

 

 

WW never changes her story only means that the WW can keep her stories straight or just she is being honest.

[RecentChange]

Umm, no it wasn't better in the mechanical sense, and I am pretty uninhibited, not one to "hold back" whether with "my guy" or when cheating... I tend to be a bit freakier than either of them, so it wasn't like the other man was getting some amazing sex that my dude wasn't.

 

While I wasn't in it for the emotional connection, our chemistry was amazing.

 

And the sex was just a bit different. It always is with some one new - each person brings something different to the table. In my case the "other man" was more dominate than my guy, and fulfilled my desires in that realm.

[jimmyjohn27]

Thanks RecentChange, Cocorico and Gettingstronger. Hopefully we'll hear from a few more to make a good sample size

[bigman1]

New Sex is the best. Until it becomes regular. Until it becomes boring. All of the stuff you do with your spouse was awesome until it ceased to be.

 

There is a great scene in the Netflix show "Master of None" I think its the 2nd to last or third to last episode. The couple is having sex and it shows how at first it was awesome. Him on top, her on top, in a chair....just awesome. Then it shows them doing the same thing months later and it was boring. I highly recommend you watch it because it encapsulates what affair sex is like, although they were not having an affair.

 

Imagine sneaking out of the house as a teen and eating the best hamburger and milkshake combo ever. The food was great and the thrill was too. Now, sneak out to eat the same hamburger and shake. Sure you like it, but its the same burger and shake. The thrill of sneaking out is still there, but that is not going to change the taste of the burger and shake.

 

Add a little more enthusiasm or different moves and it is new and good with the same person. Bottom line, your first sexual experiences with your spouse were on the same level as any cheating they have done in terms of minds being blown.

[jimmyjohn27]

Bigman1: very well put. Lots of truth to that one. Thanks for the tip on the Master of None. I'll definitely check it out

[dichotomy]

Yes new and exciting ....

 

Also free and clear of other relationship demands and needs - pure sex, and passion and drama.

 

With a WW, the sex is usually better in the sense that they can let go with OM. They don't have to be wife/mom/PTA leader, they can be wild lover. Madonna/Whore syndrome. Many stories posted here over the years of a BH finding out their WW was engaging in sexual acts that they refused with husband.

 

With a WH, I think its alot of just new piece of ass, feeding their ego, and also back to the point above, the mistress they have with might be willing to engage in sex their wife wont.

[ShatteredLady]

Ok. This is truly embarrassing! I had a first, teenage love who was a few years older than me. He was my first real lover. We were inseparable for about 6 years. Way too young to have that kind of intensity!

 

His belief was consistently that 'having sex' & 'making love' were 2 VERY, VERY different things. Hot & naughty can yield a certain excitement, thrill spot, but it's never the same as being with "Your person".

 

Am I a soppy, hapless romantic or does anyone out there get what I'm saying? There's a HUGE difference between the 'rush' of a hot & heavy experience & being lost, floating on the change in his/her eyes & muscle tone. Truly being joined to your love?

 

I coming to believe that THIS is my problem!! Oh where has my knight in hippy armor gone?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I asked my WW about the sex with the OM. Her response was that even though there was a strong sexual attraction, the sex was not great. He had a smaller penis. They only had sex a handful of times. Blah Blah Blah.

 

Could all of that be true? Maybe. Do I believe it? No.

 

As a BS, there is no way to know for sure so I just assume the worse: they had crazy good sex and often.

 

In the big picture, I don't think it matters very much either way.

Edited December 16, 2015 by Betrayed&Stayed

[bigman1]

Oh, I wanted to chime in on that whole "penis size" thing as well. Big, huge, bulging throbbing manhood!!! Yeah, consider this, lesbians have great sex. Great no penis involved sex. Most women, like the overwhelming majority, don't orgasm from penetrative sex.

 

As men, we can't really understand sex from a woman's perspective. Period. I know a woman who regularly slept with this guy who had a huge penis. She said while having sex, she would be moaning loudly, invoking deities and all of the breathless sounds associated with porn. He loved it and would really give it to her hard, fast and deep. She told me that all of those sounds were because she was hurting, uncomfortable, and just wanted it to stop. When she said "oh, my gawd" she WAS NOT saying that to express pleasure in any way, shape or form. It was practically involuntary and she could not get why he seemed to get really turned on by it. After I explained to her that to us, that meant she enjoyed it, she looked at me incredulously. She was not a porn watcher, so she didn't know.

 

In college, I used to cheat with this girl (I don't say this proudly). She was dating a ball player. 6 foot 9, built like a greek god, hung like a mule. I was not hung like a mule. Reread the above. She was cheating with me on him. Hell, I was insecure about the physical. Still, whatever buttons she needed pushed both physically and emotionally, I was hitting them all.

 

As you process that, remember to process sex from a woman's perspective. Many may want to experience some hot, steamy animalistic sex, but in the end, you can have that with anyone, even your spouse. Get in a woman's head, and the body will follow and she will follow you to the end of the world. That was my game, I was a pro at it.

[Popsicle]

You do realize that mostly BS's post on this forum?

 

As for my opinion, if you thought you were married wholly because you were in love, (versus for practical/functional or codependent reasons) then as soon as you find out your spouse cheated you should divorce them on the spot.

[Bufo]

You are asking me to go back many years, but yes. My last lover before marriage was the wildest, most accommodating, most orgasmic lover ever for me. Did the cheating aspect factor in? Maybe as I'd met and was dating my future wife. There was nothing regular or routine with that woman.

 

She's now been married 3 or 4 times. I forget. Glad I wasn't in that string.

[Sassy Girl]

Yes better. A lot better. I got to do sex acts my husband refused me. There was no ED and no inhibitions. MM didn't make me feel like I was wrong or dirty or 'slutty' for having desires. It was absolutely more fulfilling.

[fellini]

Hearing, in general terms (i.e."yeah, we did more stuff" or "No, it was pretty ho-hum") could provide valuable insight for their decision-making process post-affair.

 

Well if you apply pure reasoning, you will probably not be able to gather valuable insights about affairs.

 

You see the thing is, there are a 1000s lies a WS has to tell to get the sex. The affair is in full throttle long before the clothes come off. The decision to have an affair cannot have much to do with sex if the WS has no idea going into secrecy just how good or bad the sex is going to be. (Aside from an ONS, where there is almost no time between meet and greet and the sex.

 

But for your data collection, my WW's AP found out when they moved from a very long EA to PA, that in fact he had testosterone problems. This did nothing to stop their A, their hookups, she wanted the intimacy that came with the PA, not necessarily the erection.

[road]

Yes better. A lot better. I got to do sex acts my husband refused me. There was no ED and no inhibitions. MM didn't make me feel like I was wrong or dirty or 'slutty' for having desires. It was absolutely more fulfilling.

 

 

Did your BH find out about the infidelity?

 

 

Did your BH find out how good the sex was with the OM?

 

 

Where is your marriage now?

[NYWoman]

It was awful. He might have been average sized in the dick department at one time, but was then suffering from whiskey dick and could not get his dinky ducky to salute. Even with 5 minutes of oral it was a wormy three inches, and by that time he was read to let go with less than a half a teaspoon.

[Horton]

As a general rule I think the answers tend to break down into two categories.

 

1) WS who are reconciling/reconciled

2) WS who are divorcing/divorced

 

 

For example:

 

If the WW is now with her AP or even just no longer with her BH, then the sex was off the charts phenomenal and she cannot fathom how she went so long with such a boring, listless sex life with her husband.

 

If the WW is still with the BH, then the sex was awful of course, the OM couldn't get or keep an erection, he smells bad and he's hung like an ant etc.

 

I'm not saying this is always the case, but it tends to be the majority of what I see when I peruse any marriage/infidelity based forum.

[Sassy Girl]

Did your BH find out about the infidelity?

 

 

Did your BH find out how good the sex was with the OM?

 

 

Where is your marriage now?

 

No

 

No

 

Same place it's always been.