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emotionally unavailable: you can make them want you?


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Posted

Here is my question about emotionally unavailable people: is it possible to make them want you?

Today I read this article written by a guy who was emotionally unavailable. According to him, even if your guy seems emotionally unavailable, there is a chance to turn the cards around. All you need to do is to get a life, stop centering him, and empower yourself.

This really devastated me. I recently got out of a rebound relationship with a guy who just wouldn't commit to me. To make him like me more, I did a lot for him. But according to this guy, what I should have done is the opposite: to walk away and let him chase me. And if I start focusing on myself, there is a chance he would come chase me.

Now I want to ask those of you who have been emotionally unavailable and who have dated people in the situation: does this trick really work for you? I know it's important to focus on yourself, but does that mean to hold yourself back from giving 100%?

So if I am a loving and caring person by nature, does walking away mean to change myself? Also, even if we successfully get the guy's attention, once we get comfortable and start getting "clingy" again, would the emotionally unavailable person go back to normal? Or would they stay in love with you and become available?

Posted

You're young, you're pretty, you're kind, you're loving, move on get a life and when you're ready get back in the dating pool and meet someone else.

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Posted

I found being emotionally unavailable in return kind of works. At least, it makes the relationship feel MORE EQUAL.

 

However, these types of people are usually the selfish type so if you start calling them less, showing them less attention, they will then leave you for that reason. Mainly because they aren't getting the attention they want but also because they may sense you are playing games.

Posted

Maybe you can make them want you by backing off and whatnot. However, are you really being yourself then? That honestly might work, but I am a firm believer that the relationship isn't right if you have to convince someone to want you.

Posted

Honestly, this rebound guy sounds like a wimpy little flake, and I would ignore most articles that you read unless it appears the author has at the very least a spec of intellect, most articles are thrash and are wrote by people who's approach to relationships are childish, there's no need for games in an adult relationship, someone who loves you and wants your company will make it known, no bs.

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Posted

As for emotionally unavailable people, in my experience, it's a lost cause, my ex was like this, in the beginning she had all the time in the world for me, she made me a priority in her life, then we lived together, life stressed her out, and all of a sudden she stopped favouring time with me, so from Thursday to Sunday, we had her kid, then Monday to Wednesday we had time for each other, only we didn't, she stayed out a lot at relatives and I wouldn't see her until Wednesday then the cycle would carry on again, don't waste your time and effort on emotionally unavailable people, it'll drag you down emotionally and physically, nobody should have their good nature taken for granted like that.

Posted

Short answer, and the only answer worth a dime:

 

NO.

 

I mean, sure, maybe you could be the one who flips an emotionally unavailable person over to availability, but why would you want to play with such stakes when a) emotional unavailability in the true sense is a deep-seated psychological issue that has everything to do with childhood dynamics and NOTHING to do with the person they're dating, and b) it's just so much better when two emotionally available people come together to build a relationship.

 

I haven't experienced this latter thing, because I have always chosen emotionally unavailable people, and I've never "won" them over to availability. I don't see that as my failure, but theirs. Given people don't tend to change their stripes much or at all, I doubt even the ex who is now married is emotionally available; he probably just found someone as emotionally unavailable as he is, and what kind of relationship can that be?

 

And lastly, let's look at the notion that with the "right" partner, an emotionally unavailable person can become available. I would argue that it still wasn't about the person so much as that the emotionally unavailable partner finally began to / was ready to overcome his or her issues to some extent, at least enough to be available to be taught by the relationship how to become more available. That is a beautiful thing attributable solely to timing, to the emotional readiness in that person for change.

 

For people who claim they were only emotionally unavailable with such and such person because they just didn't love him or her enough, what's remotely attractive about such a person, a person who knowingly withholds love from someone trying to develop intimacy with him or her? That's just sh*tty. I'd never want to date someone like that. Well, not anymore. I think I've finally been traumatized by enough experience with emotional unavailability to be utterly disillusioned as to the utility or ever bothering with dating an emotionally unavailable person again.

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Posted

My last girlfriend was admittedly EUA. It was exhausting, because even they're into you and things are going well, there's this sense of inevitability that it's temporary.

 

I'm not deluded into thinking that every relationship doesn't face ups and downs. But, having been in relationships with emotionally available people, I can say there's still a marked difference with the ups and downs compared to the hot and cold you experience with an EUA person.

 

In a "normal" relationship, ups and downs are often influenced by identifiable occurrences. "We got into a fight because I don't take out the trash when it's my turn to." Or something. With the EUA, nothing really needs to happen to cause this drifting in and out. My ex would periodically, somewhat jokingly say, "Hey, I kinda like you today." Her acting more distant was equally arbitrary most of the time. This went on for YEARS. It never got better. If anything, it got worse as other incompatibilities between us strained the relationship.

 

All that said, I'm glad for the experience for a number of reasons. Relevant to this subject, I'm happy to have been through this, because I now know a lot of the signs of an EUA. And I certainly know to never get seriously involved with someone who exhibits these signs or openly admits that they're EUA. It's not worth it.

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Posted
I found being emotionally unavailable in return kind of works. At least, it makes the relationship feel MORE EQUAL.

 

However, these types of people are usually the selfish type so if you start calling them less, showing them less attention, they will then leave you for that reason. Mainly because they aren't getting the attention they want but also because they may sense you are playing games.

Playing games? But aren't they the ones who start the games? thought they would love have loved playing. The problem is some of us are not good at it.

Sounds like it wouldn't work either way. giving attention=not giving them space, withdrawing=not giving them what they want. So what do they want, exactly? In this case, would it be a good idea to be hot and cold?

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Posted
Maybe you can make them want you by backing off and whatnot. However, are you really being yourself then? That honestly might work, but I am a firm believer that the relationship isn't right if you have to convince someone to want you.

I am with you 100%. I think I've always wanted a relationship where both of us can devote into the relationship as much as we can. It's always confusing whether it is necessary to play the games. It seems that people who know how to play always get what they want.

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