fbloggs123 Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Folks... I'm supposed to be an intelligent person but I just cant fathom my married friend out. She has a wonderful personality, everyone likes her, gregarious, attractive... we used to work together a few years ago either side of her marriage two years ago. Colleagues thought we were close and they, men and women, commented as such (still do), but we both have had no intimate contact with each other. Before she got married... we were calling/texting chatting... we really proverbially 'got on'. After her marriage... she's more or less binned me. No texting (apart from what I'm going to say next)/calling/fb. She has been the kind of woman who hasn't spoke to me for 6-8 weeks but then proceeded to ask me to attend her exclusive birthday bash (which I kindly declined). I've seen her 2x in two years. Anyway... cut to the chase and for the past year/year and a half... she'll text every few weeks about a 'job' that she's found for me... like a new vacancy that she's found for me that she thinks would be good for me. Its really weird.... that is her opening gambit to me after weeks and weeks of not speaking. Its not a 'Hi... how are you... long time no hear?'... that comes later or not at all. She even tried to get me a job in the same place that she was working in... strange in that she'll not speak to me for ages but she'll go out of her way to find something for me where she works. She's even been known to text me late in the evening RE: a job... something that would easily be left for the next day? Now, also curious... some of these jobs don't really exist... they're anecdotal in their beginnings and they tend to gently spirit away into the ether but this most recent one... she's actually given me a vacancy that's close to my home, suits my career, skills and is in the same town that she lives in. Its not even been advertised!!! She said she is trying to find a job there too. It checks out... all of it. It's 'legit'. This company know her and know of me. She's done the leg-work for real. What on earth is going on? Is there something I'm missing here? Is she trying to validate herself with me? Look... she's very cute and its great to hear from her and I feel humbled that someone is 'looking out' for me, especially when that person doesn't really communicate via any social media prior to doing what she's doing. From the outside... it looks like we're not close (perhaps we're not!)... so why on Earth would someone want to: 1. go out of their way to help someone they never see anymore and 2. be with someone at a workplace for 8 hours a day (as its her intention to try and work in the same organisation as me), when they don't speak to them socially outside of work?????? Perhaps its me but I have never known anyone in my life that has had this behaviour. Folks have said this is all just purely innocent behaviour and nothing to get your pants in a twist for. I'm happy with that but then why cant we hang out more... chat/text/phone and perhaps even physically MEET one day? It doesn't add up. Do you want to see me... or do you not? Any thoughts greatly received!
spiderowl Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 It's very strange. I can't see any reason for this behaviour, except that she seems to want to maintain some sort of link. It would be difficult for her to contact you for any other reason than something like this, given that there is always a risk her husband might see any texts/communications she sends. In all honesty, I don't know. I share your confusion!
Author fbloggs123 Posted December 16, 2015 Author Posted December 16, 2015 Thanks spiderowl... I'm flummoxed - I wish others could help me too. Its getting to me and I want to have it out with her but I'm worried of those consequences. Anyone out there wishing to add to this?
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 In situations like this, I think the most appropriate advice is: "Don't try to work out what they're doing. Work out what YOU are doing." Are you responding? Playing into this? How are YOU interacting with her? Whatever it is, you may just be adding fuel to the fire and making things even more confusing for yourself. Ask yourself what precisely YOU want out of this. What is all this 'feeding' in you? Should it be encouraged to 'feed'? Frankly, trying to figure out someone else's head-space is pointless, particularly when we're focusing on the wrong head-space.... Think about your role in this. If you don't like how you are responding/reacting - change it. That's all you have control over, after all...
Author fbloggs123 Posted December 16, 2015 Author Posted December 16, 2015 I haven't fed this behaviour for 20 months now. Yes, I do communicate when she starts this stuff off as it seems real and I feel humbled by her actions but I don't instigate anything in between nor when I feel desperate to call her... I just go along my merry way until the next time it happens. I'm just curious that's all... no dramas... just curious. In my life, I've never known a time when I've gone out of my way to do something for someone who I never interact with on either a social, work or any other front. Some say its a legitimate / 'safe' way for her to communicate with me wherein the dialogue is purely innocent and objective but gives her a way to talk to me. But in saying that... that's weird in itself. Why all the cloak and daggers?
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 Quit asking. It's not 'Why is she doing this...?' It's "What do I do, now?" And frankly, in your shoes I'd quit playing the ping-pong game and just fall off her radar. She clearly has ulterior motives, and I would say the primary one is to make herself feel better and more charitable, after having closed you off. Her primary motivation, in my opinion, is guilt. And the more you respond, the better she feels, because then it's evident you have "forgiven" her, and she doesn't need to feel bad... Oh good. Now she can sit back, relax and do no more.... until the next time her conscience says "you know, you really SHOULD get in touch with *fbloggs123*...it's been such a long time....."
Author fbloggs123 Posted December 16, 2015 Author Posted December 16, 2015 Thanks for the reply. You're right... I should not entertain her when she calls. I'm not so worried about her behaviour in as much as I do forget her totally when she's AWOL and my life still goes on as normal. She seems to feel guilt more than I'm worried about it... which is zero. Food for thought though.. thanks.
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