NeilKodner Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I am in a love or crush triangle at work. I started working with a girl about 3 months back. Around same time another guy started working with her. I really like her but she spends a lot more time with this other guy that makes me nervous. She does like me as a co worker for sure but I have more feelings than that. The other guy and her are seen more in 1:1 meetings. I recently took some time off and she did say she will miss me at work. She was happy to see me back and met me thrice 1:1 in that week, but avoided going out with me when I asked her. I did see her going out with this guy though. She saw me in cafe first , then backed out and then came back in with this guy when I was out of sight. She feels comfortable discussing her work related stress with me and she also asks me for advice. She also discussed this guy with me a couple of times. I felt she liked him more than me but then she called me to meet her and discuss couple of things about him with me. I kind of felt she had not made her mind. Then both of us meet with her separately, but then she now calls this guy to meetings organized by me but she doesn't invite me to meetings he organizes. Perhaps I am overthinking, but, I feel like I am losing race in a love triangle. Any advice what I should do? I really like her. The other guy is more handsome than me but I can't do much about it.
Author NeilKodner Posted December 16, 2015 Author Posted December 16, 2015 Bumping it up so others can reply
acrosstheuniverse Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 I am in a love or crush triangle at work. I started working with a girl about 3 months back. Around same time another guy started working with her. I really like her but she spends a lot more time with this other guy that makes me nervous. She does like me as a co worker for sure but I have more feelings than that. The other guy and her are seen more in 1:1 meetings. I recently took some time off and she did say she will miss me at work. She was happy to see me back and met me thrice 1:1 in that week, but avoided going out with me when I asked her. I did see her going out with this guy though. She saw me in cafe first , then backed out and then came back in with this guy when I was out of sight. She feels comfortable discussing her work related stress with me and she also asks me for advice. She also discussed this guy with me a couple of times. I felt she liked him more than me but then she called me to meet her and discuss couple of things about him with me. I kind of felt she had not made her mind. Then both of us meet with her separately, but then she now calls this guy to meetings organized by me but she doesn't invite me to meetings he organizes. Perhaps I am overthinking, but, I feel like I am losing race in a love triangle. Any advice what I should do? I really like her. The other guy is more handsome than me but I can't do much about it. You say you feel she hasn't made her mind up, but between what? From the sounds of it, other than asking her to go somewhere with you, she has no clear idea you like her more than co workers. But based on the first thing I bolded, that you've asked her out and she declines but goes out with the other guy, I think it's safe to say that you've unfortunately lost your chance. If she won't see you outside of work she's not interested in pursuing a relationship. It's simple. Next time, be more aggressive. You liked her three months ago, why didn't you ask her out as soon as you got to know her and knew you liked her? 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 This isn't a love triangle. This is a "I really like her but she's not interested, she's tried to make that clear, but I'm not getting the message"angle. You need to up your confidence and not let the other guy's apparent good looks deter you from dating. There will always be better looking guys than you, in any situation. There will also be worse-looking ones, too. So don't focus on how much better some other guy might be. Focus on making yourself eminently dateable. Not to this girl maybe, but you need to look at it more in a 'her loss' kind of way, than 'I'm not good enough'. 1
Buddhist Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 The big heads up here that she isn't interested in you is that she's discussing her love interest with you. That's not a good sign in terms of romance. Women don't usually discuss love interests with other love interests. They reserve that for friends, acquaintances and coworkers. Sorry but I think you're dead in the water here.
Author NeilKodner Posted December 16, 2015 Author Posted December 16, 2015 I understand that I have made mistakes. I got this job after not working for 6 months , so I hesitated to ask her out. You guys are right that she might have been open early on but not right now, however; I really like her. There isn't a day that goes by without me thinking of her. Also I am sure that she likes me atleast as a co worker. She's made that clear. I just somehow want her to like me more. How can I get her interest level back up?
central Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 I don't think there's much you can do - and I really think it's a bad idea to pursue a love interest at work. One misstep, and you'll be unemployed again, too. Look outside of work for a gf. 1
VeveCakes Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 Don't dip your pen in the company ink. Meetings for work are just that - meetings. Don't look for meaning in something that isn't there. She isn't interested....try looking outside of work for someone to date. 1
Buddhist Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 Also I am sure that she likes me atleast as a co worker. She's made that clear. I just somehow want her to like me more. How can I get her interest level back up? You can't. She's moved on, if she ever liked you in that way in the beginning, which from your story I actually doubt.
Author NeilKodner Posted December 17, 2015 Author Posted December 17, 2015 I do understand that she didn't want to meet me outside of work, but, she does like me as a coworker. I took your advice and I was a little mean to her today. She set up a meeting which I only tentatively accepted but then she sent me a message saying, she definitely wanted me to be there and she could move the meeting if I could not make it. I feel like a bit of a fool to try to distance myself and in that process throw some tantrums, but, one thing is clear, she does like me as a coworker. I have made enough money in life to absorb another unemployment, although, thats not the goal. Obviously, I am not the best looking guy and nor am I in top shape, but also not that I am out of shape or fat, just average. I think what I will do is just do my job and be nice to her as well. As well as be open and approachable.
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 I do understand that she didn't want to meet me outside of work, but, she does like me as a coworker. I took your advice and I was a little mean to her today. She set up a meeting which I only tentatively accepted but then she sent me a message saying, she definitely wanted me to be there and she could move the meeting if I could not make it. I feel like a bit of a fool to try to distance myself and in that process throw some tantrums, but, one thing is clear, she does like me as a coworker. I have made enough money in life to absorb another unemployment, although, thats not the goal. Obviously, I am not the best looking guy and nor am I in top shape, but also not that I am out of shape or fat, just average. I think what I will do is just do my job and be nice to her as well. As well as be open and approachable. That is ridiculous. This is why it's a bad idea to date a co-worker. Because the edges get blurred. You're mixing your feelings for her, with your professionalism. Your feelings for her should not interfere, and should not even figure, where working ethics are concerned. You don't let your personal feelings interfere or affect how you conduct yourself at work, professionally. Letting your emotions dictate your working practice is very foolish and misguided. Being mean and causing her to question the schedule of a meeting is frankly, very stupid. The fact that she 'likes' you as a co-worker is a pointless comment. She works with you because she works with you, and the objective of colleagues is to participate and co-operate. You clearly attempted to manipulate the situation by NOT cooperating. This does NOT stand you in a good light as a colleague. She assured you the meeting could be re-scheduled to fit in with working standards - not because she 'likes you as a co-worker'! Do not permit your personal feelings to affect how you work with her. Work is work. Personal is personal. Keep the two distinctly separate. Besides, get this through your mind: Other than being your colleague, there is nothing further 'personal' about it. You are not in the picture. Be professional, and just treat her like ANY OTHER colleague. Nothing more.
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