2 dead ex's - how do I get her to let me in?

[Glitters]

That's all fine but asking her on dates isn't exactly the same thing as asking her to let you in. Have you ever actually done that? As in, "I always feel like you're keeping me at arm's length ....would you please just let me in?" You'll have your answers pretty quick after that. (And based on what you've shared, most likely they'll come in the form of "I can't." But at least you'll know instead of playing guessing games and living in whimsy land.)

 

It's never so black and white. Not at all the way to go in this situation. OP, don't do this.

[Glitters]

If you believe you have done everything and not getting there , then move on. You can do the slow fade or whatever way suits you. Date other women and cut her from your life. No looking back. She does have feelings for you , the way I see it, do spare throwing it in her face because she is scared.

 

If you think she slowly opening and you are ready for the challenges , there are plenty here, and she is worth it , then go along. If you are always looking around thinking that in the meantime you could have found someone else , better do that now and spare everyone now when it will hurt but not as much as it would later

[acrosstheuniverse]

Do I have a talk with her and say that if she can't see herself ever being with me because I'm tied to her "old life" to tell me so I can move on? I wouldn't be able to see her anymore, friends or otherwise. It would be too hard.

 

I think that's a good idea. Cut the rubbish. However, I think you shouldn't tell her directly the whole 'I wouldn't be able to see you anymore, it would be too hard' as it might influence her decision out of fear of losing you rather than desire to be with you. You have nothing to lose by having a true honest discussion, as long as you are ready and willing to hear whatever it is she has to say to you in return.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, please do not go around telling people you're interested in each other. You have no place to speak for her. Say whatever you want about yourself but don't speak on her behalf.

 

I lost a boyfriend in an accident many years ago. I can't even begin to describe the pain of that; the immediate aftermath was gut-wrenching and even though many years have passed since, it still affects me in some ways. It probably always will to a certain degree. I cannot fathom the horror of experiencing that twice, particular to the fathers of my children. My deepest sympathies to her and her children. Their world is one very few of us can understand.

 

Having said that, I would not ask her to "let you in." She is already telling you through her actions that she can't right now. I don't think it needs to be verbalized. I am sure she appreciates your friendship and very likely your affection and romantic sparks but it's plain as day she's not ready for more at this time. If she's still wearing her wedding rings, she is still feeling deeply connected to her ex. For me, that is quite representative of where her heart and mind are. You could be a friend but I wouldn't expect anything more for a long, long time.

[Buddhist]

It's not like I'mtrying to make s someone interested in me who is isn't. I know she is and she has said she is. She has said a few times that she misses a relationship and wants her kids to have a dad. But I don't know how long I wait for her to be OK with "us" and if not how to move on when I havent fully in 10 years.

 

Having a mild interest in someone and actually wanting to commit to a relationship are two entirely different things. She's not just protecting her heart but her children's as well. Do they need to experience another loss, is probably what she is thinking.

 

Maybe she's happy with the surface level relationship she has with you now. Someone for company, someone to confide in, without exposing herself to anything more complicated. The other things you've mentioned are your cross to bear I'm afraid. We've all experienced unrequited, or incomplete love before. It's just a rite of passage in this thing called life.

[jasonkan]

That's all fine but asking her on dates isn't exactly the same thing as asking her to let you in. Have you ever actually done that? As in, "I always feel like you're keeping me at arm's length ....would you please just let me in?" You'll have your answers pretty quick after that. (And based on what you've shared, most likely they'll come in the form of "I can't." But at least you'll know instead of playing guessing games and living in whimsy land.)

 

I haven't said those words but yes I've asked her to let me in, and to be there for her, support her, love her. Her response is always "I want to. I'm scared."

 

If you believe you have done everything and not getting there , then move on. You can do the slow fade or whatever way suits you. Date other women and cut her from your life. No looking back. She does have feelings for you , the way I see it, do spare throwing it in her face because she is scared.

 

If you think she slowly opening and you are ready for the challenges , there are plenty here, and she is worth it , then go along. If you are always looking around thinking that in the meantime you could have found someone else , better do that now and spare everyone now when it will hurt but not as much as it would later

 

To be honest, other women haven't even crossed my mind lately. I feel like this is the only chance in the last 10 years were I have a shot at being with her. I could be wrong, and maybe there is no chance. But that's how I feel.

 

OP, please do not go around telling people you're interested in each other. You have no place to speak for her. Say whatever you want about yourself but don't speak on her behalf.

 

Good point. I don't want to speak for her or do something she wouldn't want. I may tell my friends that I'm interested in her, and see how they react. If it's horrid then she has reason to worry, but I seriously doubt they'd act like that.

 

Having a mild interest in someone and actually wanting to commit to a relationship are two entirely different things. She's not just protecting her heart but her children's as well. Do they need to experience another loss, is probably what she is thinking.

 

Maybe she's happy with the surface level relationship she has with you now. Someone for company, someone to confide in, without exposing herself to anything more complicated. The other things you've mentioned are your cross to bear I'm afraid. We've all experienced unrequited, or incomplete love before. It's just a rite of passage in this thing called life.

 

That's a good point. Maybe she is happy with the level of our relationship. I'm having dinner with her tonight, maybe I will ask if she's happy with how things are or if she can ever see it progressing.