tart6245 Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I want to first start off by saying I am by no means an expert in serious relationships. I dated a girl for 2.5 years in college and through the first part of law school before we broke up after she moved out of state. I have been dating my current girlfriend since March 2014. We hit it off quickly and she really started to push wanting to move in with me about 6 months after we started dating. I was hesitant at first, but after she threatened to leave me if I didn't move in by August 2015, I caved and moved in. Since then, I have felt increasingly removed from my life and bored with the relationship. When she's around I have to constantly be sitting with her, entertaining her, listening to her talk; I never have any time to myself or with my friends anymore. Recently, I have had to travel back and forth for work and she's told me that I'm not giving her enough anymore despite talking to her for 2-3 hours a night and constantly texting her when I am away for 3-4 days a week (this is temporary until January). She's wanting to spend the holidays with my family, but I am really nervous about it as well as they are not the most welcoming and I've never brought a girl home for the holidays. I left to visit my dad, who I hadn't seen since August, last weekend and she nearly had a heart attack that I was leaving for a few days. This all feels like it's gotten out of hand. Is her pace normal? My first serious relationship did not move nearly that quickly. I am almost on the verge of telling her I can't do this anymore. Any advice would be appreciated.
kendahke Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Did you know she wanted to take over your life when you were first dating her? I'd tell her exactly what you wrote above. Tell her that you need time to yourself and you need time to spend with your friends. She should want the same for herself--doesn't she have friends and interests? You can't be up under each other 24/7 if you're one who isn't like that to begin with. She's an energy drain and it's not going to get better unless you speak up for what you need. Most importantly: Make sure to double wrap that jimmy. If she feels she's losing you, she may resort to anything to keep you there. Just sayin': it's not out of the realm of possibility. 1
AndOrchid Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I want to first start off by saying I am by no means an expert in serious relationships. I dated a girl for 2.5 years in college and through the first part of law school before we broke up after she moved out of state. I have been dating my current girlfriend since March 2014. We hit it off quickly and she really started to push wanting to move in with me about 6 months after we started dating. I was hesitant at first, but after she threatened to leave me if I didn't move in by August 2015, I caved and moved in. Since then, I have felt increasingly removed from my life and bored with the relationship. When she's around I have to constantly be sitting with her, entertaining her, listening to her talk; I never have any time to myself or with my friends anymore. Recently, I have had to travel back and forth for work and she's told me that I'm not giving her enough anymore despite talking to her for 2-3 hours a night and constantly texting her when I am away for 3-4 days a week (this is temporary until January). She's wanting to spend the holidays with my family, but I am really nervous about it as well as they are not the most welcoming and I've never brought a girl home for the holidays. I left to visit my dad, who I hadn't seen since August, last weekend and she nearly had a heart attack that I was leaving for a few days. This all feels like it's gotten out of hand. Is her pace normal? My first serious relationship did not move nearly that quickly. I am almost on the verge of telling her I can't do this anymore. Any advice would be appreciated. The highlighted part does not sound healthy. You should be able to have your own interests and activities away from her and she shouldn't need you to babysit her. On the other hand, I don't think almost 2 years in, it is too soon to spend the holidays with your significant other. If you are finding this pace fast and are hesitant to introduce her to your family, it might just mean you are having doubts about her and the relationship being the right one for you.
deep_night Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 this sounds quite smothering (and im a woman). if you feel it's too fast then it's too fast. just know that if you take a step back (move out) it possibly won't go well after that point. but i dont see another solution than you getting some space to breathe. you don't seem very pleased anyway and since you were somehow manipulated into moving in you must resent her even a little. i know i would. 3
BluEyeL Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I don't think it's moving too fast at almost two years in, but it appears your needs are simply incompatible with her needs . Why did you move in when she gave you the ultimatum? 1
Author tart6245 Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 I don't think it's moving too fast at almost two years in, but it appears your needs are simply incompatible with her needs . Why did you move in when she gave you the ultimatum? Well the holidays bit isn't too early or anything, but the moving in a year and a half in was a bit much for me, especially since we were long distance and saw each other every two weeks before I moved in. Since then it just seems like she expects me around all the time and to spend 100% of my time with her. I'm completely burned out.
abby_tx Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 How old are you guys? She seems really demaning. She set the pace of the relationship and you see more like a bystander.
smellysocksuni Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I want to first start off by saying I am by no means an expert in serious relationships. I dated a girl for 2.5 years in college and through the first part of law school before we broke up after she moved out of state. I have been dating my current girlfriend since March 2014. We hit it off quickly and she really started to push wanting to move in with me about 6 months after we started dating. I was hesitant at first, but after she threatened to leave me if I didn't move in by August 2015, I caved and moved in. Since then, I have felt increasingly removed from my life and bored with the relationship. When she's around I have to constantly be sitting with her, entertaining her, listening to her talk; I never have any time to myself or with my friends anymore. Recently, I have had to travel back and forth for work and she's told me that I'm not giving her enough anymore despite talking to her for 2-3 hours a night and constantly texting her when I am away for 3-4 days a week (this is temporary until January). She's wanting to spend the holidays with my family, but I am really nervous about it as well as they are not the most welcoming and I've never brought a girl home for the holidays. I left to visit my dad, who I hadn't seen since August, last weekend and she nearly had a heart attack that I was leaving for a few days. This all feels like it's gotten out of hand. Is her pace normal? My first serious relationship did not move nearly that quickly. I am almost on the verge of telling her I can't do this anymore. Any advice would be appreciated. You should have broken up with her when she issued that ultimatum. If you weren't ready, it wasn't fair to push you into it. She sounds incredibly needy and self centred. My current girlfriend is pushing for us to move in together and when she comes over I have to do the same; the constant entertainment of her and not being able to chill out and do my own thing for ten minutes. I think you need to consider whether she is likely to change, and whether you are likely to put up with this any longer. And then make a decision. Don't let it drag on, think about it all now and make a decision. The longer this carries on, the harder it will all be. 1
TheTraveler Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Well you are at 1.5 years. That is a real relationship. You need to stand up to her and set boundaries.
abby_tx Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Well you are at 1.5 years. That is a real relationship. You need to stand up to her and set boundaries. Yeah. I don't think this is in the 'leave her' territory yet. Maybe a serious talk about what you both want and if that doesn't work, couples therapy. If couples therapy doesn't work, it's breakup time.
TunaCat Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 She is WAY too smothering. Tell her that you need to spend time with your friends and then do it. Do not "ask her" if you can spend time with her. She's not your mother. If she continues to be smothering and clingy, then end it with her.
teamo Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Is this the same girl from your thread in January? I'm not sure why you moved in to begin with when there were so many red flags back then. When does your lease end? Can you easily get out of it? I don't think 2 years us too early to spend holidays with family however. In fact I'm surprised people move in with a significant other without having met families first.
Popsicle Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I am astounded that she demanded to move in with you. as if that is a given...
ExpatInItaly Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 (edited) I don't necessarily think the pace is too fast, strictly chronologically-speaking. I too would be concerned if we weren't spending the holidays together after nearly 2 years. But you cannot live this way. Does she not have her own life? Friends, a job, her own interests? You need to sit her down and explain how you're feeling. Tell her what you told us; outline the changes that need to happen for the relationship to survive. Make sure she understands you are dead-serious, that the relationship will end if something doesn't give. You are far too soft on your own boundaries, so you're partly responsible for the current situation too. Let her wail and stomp her feet and have "a heart attack" if you want some time to yourself, She is a big girl and needs to behave like it. Show her emotional outbursts are an inappropriate response to a reasonable request for some time alone to do your thing. If nothing changes, you break up with her. EDIT: OP, I just realized you have another thread going which more or less is the same as this one. What are you hoping to hear? The situation hasn't changed since last week, has it? Edited December 15, 2015 by ExpatInItaly 1
kendahke Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I think that if you're having these kinds of misgivings about her, then I agree that taking her to your family's for the holiday is something you should not do. If that is not where you are headed, then don't do anything that's going to drag you there against your will. You've already gone down part of that road already.
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