katiegrl Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 (edited) In the first few months of this relationship, I didn't really notice this behaviour. But it's getting worse. I am losing friends and drifting apart from my family because of this person. The insults are becoming worse and I am being accused of saying things I haven't meant or even said. *****I don't like ending relationships, but I don't know how much more I can deal with.*** Unless you plan on marrying this creton ...and having literally NO life outside of her, you will break up eventually anyway. Better now than later...before she completely destroys you and whatever semblance of a life you have left now. Between this and your previous thread ....move on! Edited December 16, 2015 by katiegrl 1
OldRover Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 You didn't just come and say you have a bad girlfriend. You began a discussion on mental illness, and threw out a psychological diagnosis which I felt was inappropriate. I did the same to make a point. 1. I'm not convinced that you listed impairments that fully meet Borderline criteria. Additional factors that have to be considered: 2. Her level of impairment 3. Pathological personality traits: Negative affect and/or Disinhibition. I'm doubtful that eating lots of fast food qualifies. Did she blow $10,000, that she can't afford, at a casino? 4. Her impairments "are relatively stable across time and consistent across situations." (Focusing on just your relationship is inadequate) 5. Her behavior must not be normal for her developmental stage or culture. Not knowing her age or environment, this cannot be determined. 6. Impairments cannot be explained by other phenomena: drug use, medication, or other medical conditions. Again, this determination cannot be made with the provided details. There's clearly enough evidence to indicate some level of BPD, no doubt about it. There are varying degrees of how bad it can get, but clearly in the OPs info, she has enough symptoms to either do something about it or get the heck out of there. I've been through this a few times, once with a dear GF that I really cared about. And it both professionals that I employed agreed that she needed some serious help, or it would be hell. The OP only has two choices... fix it or bail. 3
katiegrl Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 (edited) We've broken up now, anyway. Awesome ...but what happened? Did she break up with you again, and you didn't fight it this time? Or did you end it? If so, how did she take it? How do you feel now that's it's over...you okay? Edited December 16, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Author smellysocksuni Posted December 16, 2015 Author Posted December 16, 2015 Unless you plan on marrying this creton ...and having literally NO life outside of her, you will break up eventually anyway. Better now than later...before she completely destroys you and whatever semblance of a life you have left now. Between this and your previous thread ....move on! Well, what happened was that I ended it with her, first. I listed all the things she had done that made me feel that way, and she proceeded to log into my Twitter account. From there, she found out that I had been talking to my best friend of 8 years about the problems her and I have been having. Apparently, this was the ultimate betrayal, and she can never trust me again. My friend also happens to be female, however there is NO romantic feelings between us - anyone that knows her and I could tell you this. I have explained this to her several times, but she won't accept and accuses me of having slept with her. The reason she blew up was because she didn't know I was meeting up with said friend - not regularly, occasionally. The reason I didn't tell her we had been meeting up was because, as I said, I was forever being accused of things. On a couple of occasions, she would start an argument over the phone so that I spend the entire time I was supposed to be with my friend, arguing over the phone. Once she learnt that my friend had gone home, the argument suddenly stopped. I am not a deceitful person, I don't hide things or lie - but when I am on the receiving end of accusations and mistrust when I am doing NOTHING wrong, I felt I had no other choice. I feel quite upset that it's ended. I can't lie. I have cried a bit, and I am scared.
BlueIris Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 Your previous posts indicate that you have your own ongoing mental health challenges and you’re behind in your classwork, so set these other matters aside and get your classwork done before anything else. After you’ve gotten all of your work done, then get to a therapist and take on your own mental health challenges. Get yourself psychologically solid and sound before entering another relationship and your relationships will be much more fulfilling. Good luck on your schoolwork. Focus on that. 2
OldRover Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 Well, what happened was that I ended it with her, first. I listed all the things she had done that made me feel that way, and she proceeded to log into my Twitter account. From there, she found out that I had been talking to my best friend of 8 years about the problems her and I have been having. Apparently, this was the ultimate betrayal, and she can never trust me again. My friend also happens to be female, however there is NO romantic feelings between us - anyone that knows her and I could tell you this. I have explained this to her several times, but she won't accept and accuses me of having slept with her. The reason she blew up was because she didn't know I was meeting up with said friend - not regularly, occasionally. The reason I didn't tell her we had been meeting up was because, as I said, I was forever being accused of things. On a couple of occasions, she would start an argument over the phone so that I spend the entire time I was supposed to be with my friend, arguing over the phone. Once she learnt that my friend had gone home, the argument suddenly stopped. I am not a deceitful person, I don't hide things or lie - but when I am on the receiving end of accusations and mistrust when I am doing NOTHING wrong, I felt I had no other choice. I feel quite upset that it's ended. I can't lie. I have cried a bit, and I am scared. Smelly, It sounds like you're going down the right path, and hope that you take the advice and fix yourself, be happy and look forward to a great life with eventually a new lady in it. FWIW, the talk with your lady friend about your GFs problems is a HUGE NO NO. Don't do that again with your new ladies, that's a clear reason they will dump you. There's a few boundaries that a guy should not cross when in a committed relationship, and that's anytime alone with another eligible (available or not) female, unless clearly a work situation AT work, and even then caution is prudent. And never, ever, discuss your problems with your GF with another girl, no matter what (unless that girl is your doctor or psychiatrist). But that's behind you. Now, sure seems like you dodged the bullet and if you stayed, you'd be in for some very difficult times. (I went through very similar. Also had another lady that I did business with, but never met with her, only did business and that was all by phone and email, and even that caused issued with my BPD GF). Right now, I'm SO glad to have that BPD stress out of my life and a MUCH better situation. Hope you can get to the same or better.... and you CAN! Keep us posted. You WILL hurt for awhile, that's normal. But lean on your friends, post here, exercise, take up a new hobby and put your mind at ease. You WILL survive.
PogoStick Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 Smelly, FWIW, the talk with your lady friend about your GFs problems is a HUGE NO NO. Don't do that again with your new ladies, that's a clear reason they will dump you. There's a few boundaries that a guy should not cross when in a committed relationship, and that's anytime alone with another eligible (available or not) female, unless clearly a work situation AT work, and even then caution is prudent. And never, ever, discuss your problems with your GF with another girl, no matter what (unless that girl is your doctor or psychiatrist). But that's behind you. I disagree. A man should be able to have friends of either gender, and rely on them as friends do. Smelly, she simply sounds like a poor girlfriend. What you should take away is that you had this kind of relationship because you allowed it to happen. Next time a girlfriend starts being unreasonable, causing trouble with your friends, being dramatic...you put your foot down. You let her know that you won't tolerate that behavior, and if it continues you will end the relationship. You give a girl a few weeks, a month, and if things aren't consistently improved then you leave her. Your relationships will be much better when you take control and stand up for what you want and need. 1
katiegrl Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 ^^It's too late ...OP was devastated they broke up .... couldn't hack the thought of being alone....called and begged *forgiveness* ....and they got back together. Good luck to the OP ...I hope someday he finds some peace.
Author smellysocksuni Posted December 17, 2015 Author Posted December 17, 2015 ^^It's too late ...OP was devastated they broke up .... couldn't hack the thought of being alone....called and begged *forgiveness* ....and they got back together. Good luck to the OP ...I hope someday he finds some peace. No! We are not together. I haven't done that, and I am not with her. 1
Author smellysocksuni Posted December 17, 2015 Author Posted December 17, 2015 I disagree. A man should be able to have friends of either gender, and rely on them as friends do. Smelly, she simply sounds like a poor girlfriend. What you should take away is that you had this kind of relationship because you allowed it to happen. Next time a girlfriend starts being unreasonable, causing trouble with your friends, being dramatic...you put your foot down. You let her know that you won't tolerate that behavior, and if it continues you will end the relationship. You give a girl a few weeks, a month, and if things aren't consistently improved then you leave her. Your relationships will be much better when you take control and stand up for what you want and need. I agree with you. I have no sexual interest in my friend, she isn't my 'type' and I am not hers. There is nothing more to it. Should all my friends be male? Rubbish. I will be friends with people I want to be friends with, that's it. Yes, I have been guilty of doing things - people pleasing behaviour, if you will. I am weak and people work it out very quickly. Next thing you know, I'm in the submissive role, accepting blame for everything.
katiegrl Posted December 17, 2015 Posted December 17, 2015 No! We are not together. I haven't done that, and I am not with her. Thank you for checking back in! I hope it sticks! Breakups are SO difficult, especially this time of year.... hang in there.... it WILL get better! Happy holidays and hugs..... 1
Author smellysocksuni Posted December 17, 2015 Author Posted December 17, 2015 Thank you for checking back in! I hope it sticks! Breakups are SO difficult, especially this time of year.... hang in there.... it WILL get better! Happy holidays and hugs..... No worries!! Yes I have plenty of other things to focus on, anyway... Happy holidays to you too x
chicagojack Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 (edited) I've been awake all night because of the stress this is causing me. It's now 05:39am and I have to 'wake up' at 6. I am now going to struggle all day at school, because I haven't slept. While she is sleeping soundly, with no remorse about the way she has been toward me, today. Yeah this is nothing but a disaster of a relationship. Honestly what is there to question? You just started and already you see horrible relationship skills, do yourself a favor and not be one of those people who everyone wonders why they stayed in an unhealthy relationship. A friend stayed in a horrible relationship for years, and to find out she had a secret she never disclose, herpes. And once he got it he was stuck for YEARS. The good news is he found someone on an std dating site, but that doesnt mean staying in that relationship was worth it. Get out while you can. Good luck and remember to love yourself first! Edited December 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
LostOnes05 Posted December 19, 2015 Posted December 19, 2015 I was in your shoes a few months ago. Get out and stay out!! I was the best thing to her until I wasn't. Then she literally argued about everything I did. She said I was controlling for trying to help her with things or doing things without having to be prompted. She was always the victim, in every relationship and even said that I talked down to her (where she got that, I'll never know). Yet she stayed in a previous relationship where she was allegedly hit for a number of years. I took the break up well and only cared that she had lied to me for as long as she did about several things. But point is, you can't help her. As one of the other posters said, they live in their own sense of truth and reality. So if they say something mean to you out of the blue, it's because you made them feel some type of way days or even weeks ago (strange isn't it!). And absolutely true that they can hide this aspect of their personality until you've become invested in them. It's like a snake flicking it's tongue with cheese on it to attract the mouse. You get close enough and realize what the cheese is actually attached to but it's too late. Having a rational argument doesn't work or help the situation in any way. Better to just leave. I learned my lesson and now you've learned yours. Stay away from people like this in general. 1
Author smellysocksuni Posted December 19, 2015 Author Posted December 19, 2015 I was in your shoes a few months ago. Get out and stay out!! I was the best thing to her until I wasn't. Then she literally argued about everything I did. She said I was controlling for trying to help her with things or doing things without having to be prompted. She was always the victim, in every relationship and even said that I talked down to her (where she got that, I'll never know). Yet she stayed in a previous relationship where she was allegedly hit for a number of years. I took the break up well and only cared that she had lied to me for as long as she did about several things. But point is, you can't help her. As one of the other posters said, they live in their own sense of truth and reality. So if they say something mean to you out of the blue, it's because you made them feel some type of way days or even weeks ago (strange isn't it!). And absolutely true that they can hide this aspect of their personality until you've become invested in them. It's like a snake flicking it's tongue with cheese on it to attract the mouse. You get close enough and realize what the cheese is actually attached to but it's too late. Having a rational argument doesn't work or help the situation in any way. Better to just leave. I learned my lesson and now you've learned yours. Stay away from people like this in general. Thanks, dude. Yeah, it's tough. A lesson learnt, though, eh? 1
LostOnes05 Posted December 20, 2015 Posted December 20, 2015 Thanks, dude. Yeah, it's tough. A lesson learnt, though, eh? Truly!!
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