How Do I Know If My GF has BPD?

[smellysocksuni]

I was reading an old thread that had a list of BPD symptoms in it, 18 of them. Most of them I can attribute to my current girlfriend.

 

1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor comment or infraction;

 

Sometimes I am the worst thing in the world to her, but other times she seems to adore me and think I'm the best thing ever. There never seem to be times when things are just 'OK'.

 

2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"

 

I'm always being told that I always do this, that or the other.

 

3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;

 

Extremely irrational. Is jealous of women that I talk to, even though I have no interest in them sexually, and have repeatedly indicated so. I have already lost a close friend due to this relationship. Every so often she will say "Go and talk to K" (a female friend) and sulk and withdraw. K and I are friends.

 

 

 

 

6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;

 

I was telling my friend that we'd had another argument. I was asked what the argument was about and I actually had no idea. This happens often.

 

 

 

 

8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums or cold sulking that typically start in seconds and last several hours;

 

This has happened tonight. I said something that was misconstrued and twisted, and I was met with a barrage of hostility. I was personally insulted, as were my friends.

 

9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;

 

If something comes up, or I have to do something or see someone else shell start a rather aggressive argument and probably break up with me and say nasty, spiteful things in anger. Never apologise for them, either.

11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);

 

Spent most of her money on fast food, and now has none.

 

13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"

 

When things are 'going well' between us, it feels like no one else exists.

 

 

 

15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;

 

Yes.

 

18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.

 

Yep.

 

I am starting to realise that I have unfortunately picked another girlfriend who appears to have BPD. I don't think I want to continue this relationship, anymore.

[Redhead14]

I was reading an old thread that had a list of BPD symptoms in it, 18 of them. Most of them I can attribute to my current girlfriend.

 

1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor comment or infraction;

 

Sometimes I am the worst thing in the world to her, but other times she seems to adore me and think I'm the best thing ever. There never seem to be times when things are just 'OK'.

 

2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"

 

I'm always being told that I always do this, that or the other.

 

3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;

 

Extremely irrational. Is jealous of women that I talk to, even though I have no interest in them sexually, and have repeatedly indicated so. I have already lost a close friend due to this relationship. Every so often she will say "Go and talk to K" (a female friend) and sulk and withdraw. K and I are friends.

 

 

 

 

6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;

 

I was telling my friend that we'd had another argument. I was asked what the argument was about and I actually had no idea. This happens often.

 

 

 

 

8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums or cold sulking that typically start in seconds and last several hours;

 

This has happened tonight. I said something that was misconstrued and twisted, and I was met with a barrage of hostility. I was personally insulted, as were my friends.

 

9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;

 

If something comes up, or I have to do something or see someone else shell start a rather aggressive argument and probably break up with me and say nasty, spiteful things in anger. Never apologise for them, either.

11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);

 

Spent most of her money on fast food, and now has none.

 

13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"

 

When things are 'going well' between us, it feels like no one else exists.

 

 

 

15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;

 

Yes.

 

18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.

 

Yep.

 

I am starting to realise that I have unfortunately picked another girlfriend who appears to have BPD. I don't think I want to continue this relationship, anymore.

 

It doesn't matter what the "diagnosis" is . . . you are unhappy and her behavior is unacceptable/unpleasant and unnerving. Move on.

[LostOnes05]

Pull out...of the relationship

[smellysocksuni]

In the first few months of this relationship, I didn't really notice this behaviour. But it's getting worse. I am losing friends and drifting apart from my family because of this person. The insults are becoming worse and I am being accused of saying things I haven't meant or even said.

 

I don't like ending relationships, but I don't know how much more I can deal with.

[Erik30]

Yeah sounds like BPD, and now you're at the turning point. The honeymoon phase is over. You're no longer "the perfect guy" to her, now you're often "the worst."

 

You can't argue with her, because she believes in her own false reality. (You probably already noticed that) I dated a girl like that and lost some friends because she told lies about me behind my back. People with BPD can be very good liars, and can hide their bad side.

 

Don't try to be reasonable and take her bs, because she'll lose all respect for you if she notices she can walk all over you.

 

If you're not happy anymore, you should end it. A relationship like that can be really draining.

[smellysocksuni]

Yeah sounds like BPD, and now you're at the turning point. The honeymoon phase is over. You're no longer "the perfect guy" to her, now you're often "the worst."

 

You can't argue with her, because she believes in her own false reality. (You probably already noticed that) I dated a girl like that and lost some friends because she told lies about me behind my back. People with BPD can be very good liars, and can hide their bad side.

 

Don't try to be reasonable and take her bs, because she'll lose all respect for you if she notices she can walk all over you.

 

If you're not happy anymore, you should end it. A relationship like that can be really draining.

 

My last GF was BPD too, and I was hoping that I would never meet a person like that again... I missed all the warning signs and now I'm here again.

 

Bit in bold... yeah. Everything she throws at me I am able to have a valid reason or explanation for, but she's written me down as some other heartless, selfish, horrible guy - which I know I'm most definitely not. Even to the point of me tweeting a song lyric about drinking, and she then messaged me and asked me who I was drinking with... I don't even drink.

 

It's like there's a version of me existing in her head that I've never met, a version that she hates and has done all this mean stuff to her... the more I try and show her how decent I am, the more she just goes the other way.I'm not happy, no. The last time I saw her we had an amazing time.... and then she went home, and as so often happens, she switched again. She'll probably try and come over in the next few days and act normal.

 

In fact, we had a major argument once and then she came over pretty soon after. I was sitting in silence because I was still pretty annoyed, and she was all "whats wrong with YOU?" I said look, I'm still annoyed. She got up and left and said she couldn't be bothered with me. I think I've had enough, now.

[OldRover]

smellysocksuni,

 

Sounds like she has BPD. And there's a few more characteristings you haven't mentioned, but depends on whose definition you're reading.

 

But the HUGE issue is the flip flop, from love to hate with stupid reasons, the jealousy, and the black and white. There's also suicidal tendencies, but sounds like that's not an issue (thank God).

 

BPD is a SERIOUS condition and very hard to live with, but can be solved.... IF she wants to and will work with a therapist. I dated a girl with BPD for a few years and it was just hell as time went on and eventually I left. Was heartbreaking because otherwise, she was wonderful. But with the swings and unpredictability, it will drive you NUTS.... and you'll need professional help to survive.

 

If she REALLY wants to fix it and you're willing to wait for her, it "may" be worth it. If she doesn't, it never gets better.

[smellysocksuni]

smellysocksuni,

 

Sounds like she has BPD. And there's a few more characteristings you haven't mentioned, but depends on whose definition you're reading.

 

But the HUGE issue is the flip flop, from love to hate with stupid reasons, the jealousy, and the black and white. There's also suicidal tendencies, but sounds like that's not an issue (thank God).

 

BPD is a SERIOUS condition and very hard to live with, but can be solved.... IF she wants to and will work with a therapist. I dated a girl with BPD for a few years and it was just hell as time went on and eventually I left. Was heartbreaking because otherwise, she was wonderful. But with the swings and unpredictability, it will drive you NUTS.... and you'll need professional help to survive.

 

If she REALLY wants to fix it and you're willing to wait for her, it "may" be worth it. If she doesn't, it never gets better.

 

She did want to commit suicide before. She was talking about it very matter-of-factly, seemed to have it all planned out and showed no emotion when I mentioned how it would affect others. To be honest with you, she would never admit that there was anything to 'fix'. As far as she's concerned, I'm the problem. I'm selfish, I'm not supportive, I'm only ever thinking about myself. She'd NEVER work with a therapist. So I guess it's down to me to choose what I'm doing.

 

I can't deal with the flip flop. When we are physically together; amazing. When she goes home; bad.

 

Bit in bold... that's the hard part. You end up wondering why they just can't be like that ALL the time.

[Art_Critic]

How Do I Know If My GF has BPD?

A qualified doctor tells HER that she has it and she would then tell you...

 

You cannot diagnose someone you know with a clinical diagnosis unless you are a qualified DR yourself.

You might be able to get an idea of might be going on but with BPD you have to be careful as ALL people exhibit some of the symptoms...

 

Best bet is to worry about yourself and move on from her.

[smellysocksuni]

A qualified doctor tells HER that she has it and she would then tell you...

 

You cannot diagnose someone you know with a clinical diagnosis unless you are a qualified DR yourself.

You might be able to get an idea of might be going on but with BPD you have to be careful as ALL people exhibit some of the symptoms...

 

Best bet is to worry about yourself and move on from her.

 

I know... I'm not actually looking for a concrete diagnosis, I was just wondering if it's HER or ME.... Judging from what people are saying, clearly it's her.

[Erik30]

Yeah it's probably best to end it, if you don't want to deal with these extreme emotions.

And as you probably know because of your ex with BPD, you have to cut all contact after that.

She'll hate that you're the one ending it. (Because it's kind off a game to her and you won) She'll beg to get you back, only so she can get some payback later.

[Erik30]

Just read about the suicide talk. My BPD ex did the same thing. For hours she talked about how her life sucks and wanting to kill her herself. Even about how she would do it. So I always tried to calm her down. This was almost a daily thing, so it was very draining for me. Later on I found out that she was sexting some guy at the same time when she was supposedly so depressed... (probably not all people with BPD are like that, but that's what I got for trying to be nice)

 

It doesn't matter if she's not diagnosed, it's not working out for you and you're recognizing the behaviour that you don't like.

[BlueIris]

You don’t have to justify leaving your GF. There is more strength and integrity in leaving someone without demonizing or pathologizing him or her. Just be honest but kind, and take lessons for yourself.

 

Frankly, you can’t diagnose her. Not even professionals diagnose relatives. It’s unethical, and impossible given the enmeshment we all have in a relationship.

 

It’s ok, even good, to leave her if you know that it can not work for a lifetime.

[Lansing]

Yeah, I agree with others. I was reading that list and thinking "what does it matter if she has BPD, this is all bad news"... I think one of my exs had BPD.... a lot of the stuff rung true in what you posted above and it always let me to be hesitant in pursuing things with her. It is one of those things in retrospect you can realize much better than when you are in it. Don't focus on the few good times in the relationship, realize that the bad times will make you yourself crazy if you stick around.

[smellysocksuni]

I've been awake all night because of the stress this is causing me. It's now 05:39am and I have to 'wake up' at 6. I am now going to struggle all day at school, because I haven't slept. While she is sleeping soundly, with no remorse about the way she has been toward me, today.

[smellysocksuni]

I'm also just so disappointed because at the beginning of the year I had been broken up with by my ex - I posted about it on here - and it took me so long to get out of that fog. I wanted happiness for myself and it's all just a mess, and worse than my last relationship. My ex is apparently happy, and I just feel completely defeated. I just wanted to be happy, not have to deal with this minefield of a person. Now I will have to start again, again. It's just so.... ugh.

[OldRover]

A qualified doctor tells HER that she has it and she would then tell you...

 

You cannot diagnose someone you know with a clinical diagnosis unless you are a qualified DR yourself.

You might be able to get an idea of might be going on but with BPD you have to be careful as ALL people exhibit some of the symptoms...

 

Best bet is to worry about yourself and move on from her.

 

No, you can't diagnose like a Dr can, but you SURE can recognize the symptoms and pretty well determine that she has BDP, which from the description, she clearly has. As far as the level, intensity, treatment, etc., a professional is needed. Heck, people aren't stupid. We diagnose health things all the time, from common colds, to heart disease, to blood problems, stokes.... you CAN learn how to do this and there's a TON of info out there. Be proactive!

 

Sure all people "may" have some of the symptoms, but don't display like a true BPD person, or as ofter, and don't have most of the symptoms. Some of the extreme characteristics is the "black and white" and the personality changes over a short time, which are almost impossible to live with. MOST people don't do this.

[Rimbaud59]

I dated a girl with BPD. Please please please just dump her. You don't know just how bad it can get. Please dump her. Or you will always regret it. It can get worse than you can believe. Dump her and never ever look back.

[OldRover]

She did want to commit suicide before. She was talking about it very matter-of-factly, seemed to have it all planned out and showed no emotion when I mentioned how it would affect others. To be honest with you, she would never admit that there was anything to 'fix'. As far as she's concerned, I'm the problem. I'm selfish, I'm not supportive, I'm only ever thinking about myself. She'd NEVER work with a therapist. So I guess it's down to me to choose what I'm doing.

 

I can't deal with the flip flop. When we are physically together; amazing. When she goes home; bad.

 

Bit in bold... that's the hard part. You end up wondering why they just can't be like that ALL the time.

 

Smelly,

 

Wow, you lady sounds almost like an image of the girl I dated.

 

I did get some professional advise, both from a PhD in psychology and my counselor. The both said basically the same thing. She really has to want to be cured, or it's next to impossible. If she feels she's always right and you're wrong, it will be a battle.

 

My lady did apologize many times the day after, only to just fall back in the same sh*t a few days later. At times it was so bad, we didn't stay in the same bedroom for the night and that's when I knew it was going to get fixed or wouldn't last. There's no way one can live happily with that kind of pressure. I was already on meds to help "ME" deal with her problems.

 

Like we both said, when she acts normal, it's wonderful beyond words... passionate, loving, caring and everything. But to not know when the next swing would hit drove the anxiety up the wall. I had one memorable day, when things were going great, she did everything for me and started her seduction early in the evening, sexy and a real turn on. It was great, and I was also starting to work on her. All of a sudden she just came unglued and damn near beat the crap out of me, I put her in the other bedroom and barely got any sleep that night. The next morning she was a different person. That scenario repeated often, with some variations. And when it happened in public places, it was a handful.

 

If you're going through similar, I argue strongly to convince her to get help or bail. The stress can be unbelievable. You "may" be successful going to couple therapy first and working into her issues, and could be worth it. However, I found that it's a hard road to success.

[planb1973]

If she is in fact BPD get our NOW!!! And start dealing with yourself.

Being with a boarderline is similar to a heroin addiction, as in it will eventually kill you!

 

I went through 3 years of it and 3 years down the road I stay as far away of anyone who shows any signs of it.

[io2iio]

Lets say she has signs of BPD. What are you going to do about it?? I would open the door, run as fast as you can and never look back EVER. I mean like EVER !

 

You can't SAVE HER. BPD's are like children whose emotional growth stunted at 5 year old. Think about how you would treat children. They don't know what is right or wrong. They will love you more than anyone else when you make them happy and they will hate you more than anyone else when you disappoint them.

 

YOU CANT SAVE THEM ! Run Dude Run !!!. You are not her therapist. FYI: I dated one and i dumped her and the emotional drama she caused affected me for a year.

[smellysocksuni]

We've broken up now, anyway.

[PogoStick]

Coincidentally, I just took my final exam today in mental health. I'm not sure about the girl, but I'm labeling the OP "Narcissistic disorder" because everything he wrote about her was "Me Me Me".

[smellysocksuni]

Coincidentally, I just took my final exam today in mental health. I'm not sure about the girl, but I'm labeling the OP "Narcissistic disorder" because everything he wrote about her was "Me Me Me".

 

Well, this is a thread created by me about the way the relationship is making me feel. I'm not sure what else you'd like me to write about. I'm also studying Psychology, so yeah.

[PogoStick]

Well, this is a thread created by me about the way the relationship is making me feel. I'm not sure what else you'd like me to write about. I'm also studying Psychology, so yeah.

 

You didn't just come and say you have a bad girlfriend. You began a discussion on mental illness, and threw out a psychological diagnosis which I felt was inappropriate. I did the same to make a point.

 

1. I'm not convinced that you listed impairments that fully meet Borderline criteria.

Additional factors that have to be considered:

2. Her level of impairment

 

3. Pathological personality traits: Negative affect and/or Disinhibition. I'm doubtful that eating lots of fast food qualifies. Did she blow $10,000, that she can't afford, at a casino?

 

4. Her impairments "are relatively stable across time and

consistent across situations." (Focusing on just your relationship is inadequate)

 

5. Her behavior must not be normal for her developmental stage or culture. Not knowing her age or environment, this cannot be determined.

 

6. Impairments cannot be explained by other phenomena: drug use, medication, or other medical conditions. Again, this determination cannot be made with the provided details.