Women who like unavailable men

[oberkeat]

I’ve noticed a number of threads recently where girls are totally turned off by guys who are treating them right and demonstrating interest. At the same time, these women are wishing they had a man who actually showed less interest, less availability, less affection:

 

[links redacted][/url]

It’s a sad phenomenon, and I struggle to understand it. It seems like the cardinal rule of dating for men is this: never ever indicate to a woman you're interested in that you actually *like* her. A man would have to be crazy to tell a woman he loves her in this day and age. A lot of women out there seem to only like men who act disinterested or who treat them like garbage, disposable. They would much prefer a man who demonstrates aloofness, unavailability, even disrespect.

It sends a terrible message to young men out there.

Edited December 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
links to other posters' threads without their knowledge redacted ~6

[alphamale]

It sends a terrible message to young men out there.

it's human nature to want what you can't have

[Cherryz]

Weird to put others topic into your own topic.

 

And its all about low self esteem.

[pteromom]

A lot of women believe that if they can get a man who won't settle down or be faithful to stay with them, it somehow elevates their status and makes them "better" than other women. Then when the guy proves that he is a cheating bastage, the woman cries because she "wasn't good enough" to make him stay with her.

 

It is a head scratcher, for sure!

[wb1988]

I’ve noticed a number of threads recently where girls are totally turned off by guys who are treating them right and demonstrating interest. At the same time, these women are wishing they had a man who actually showed less interest, less availability, less affection:

 

[links redacted]

It’s a sad phenomenon, and I struggle to understand it. It seems like the cardinal rule of dating for men is this: never ever indicate to a woman you're interested in that you actually *like* her. A man would have to be crazy to tell a woman he loves her in this day and age. A lot of women out there seem to only like men who act disinterested or who treat them like garbage, disposable. They would much prefer a man who demonstrates aloofness, unavailability, even disrespect.

It sends a terrible message to young men out there.

 

I think most guys know this on some level, but unfortunately when women try to deny it then many guys get turned back into fools. I don't think it's so much the garbage and treating badly part, but more of the excitement and spontaneity that comes from it.

 

My current gf has told me that she loves me a million times, and I haven't told it to her once. I do treat her well, and show all the signs that I love her but I never say it. She asked once why that is and I just said that I'm 'saving' it (i.e. for the day I get married). Of course I've said it many times to ex gfs and that's how I've learned that it's best to just not say it as it keeps the girl on her toes. You always want to keep something on hand so that your gf always feels like she hasn't quite figured you out yet.

 

"Taken" men are considered a good catch because if they are taken, it must mean they are worth it.

 

Available men are risky business.

 

That explains it well, actually it puts back logic into something seemed illogical to me for a long time! It's like if you're such a good architect then why are you looking for work, or if you're doing so well then why are you asking for money.

Edited December 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited quote ~6

[hasaquestion]

it's human nature to want what you can't have

 

I think you're conflating cause and effect here.

 

Do women specifically tend to want men who are "taken"? Or women tend to want men who are ___, ___, and ___, and men who are ___, ___, and ___ are generally taken? I'd think with both genders its more the latter.

 

Men who have the traits women want are much less likely to be on the market. Women who have the traits men want are much less likely to be on the market. And the gap widens with age.

[BlueIris]

The second one was by a rejected guy so we can’t know what the woman thought or felt. Maybe he did or said something that closed the door for her. #2 doesn’t support your hypothesis. #1 and #3 are women who aren’t sure that they like the guy. I think all people want someone who makes them tingle.

 

Based on posts you cited, a tiny sample size, maybe women are more self-reflective and self-examining and men are more self-accepting and outward-blaming. Just another possible interpretation of the evidence you presented.

[sambolini]

I get far more female attention when I least want it.

 

I have ZERO desire to date or couple right now. I'm just doing my thing and having a relaxing time doing it.

 

I've noticed that right when I stopped dating is when women started paying more attention to me. I was grocery shopping with my daughter, and a young, professional looking attractive blonde followed me through the store. And the cashier was a lady in her forties who was not subtle in the way she looked and smiled at me.

 

Just the other day I went to the vape store to get a new tank and liquid for my vape. A girl was working behind the counter who had a TARDIS vape. Being a huge Whovian, I told get it was awesome. We chatted a little, and I mentioned I have a tattoo on my back on Gallifreyan (the Doctor's language).

 

She asked if she could see it.

 

I said what the Hell and showed it to her. She loved it, and was giving me more than a few looks and smiles after that.

 

Finally, there's the married woman at my work who I think is ultra hot who is quite friendly with me.

 

When I try, it's like the Valley of the Dead. When I stop giving a ****, they come at me from all directions.

 

I don't give them any indication I'll ever let them catch me, either.

[losangelena]

Based on posts you cited, a tiny sample size, maybe women are more self-reflective and self-examining and men are more self-accepting and outward-blaming. Just another possible interpretation of the evidence you presented.

 

I agree. I'm not a fan of threads that tend to generalize women (and men) vs. taking things on a case by case basis.

 

To wonder why women in general act a certain way based on a few LS threads seems a bit short-sided. Yes, it's representative of one kind of woman, but there are PLENTY of other women who do not go after unavailable men and who appreciate it when men are upfront and clear about their feelings.

 

Chances are you don't hear about those instances because if your relationship is going well, you're not going to be posting about it on an online forum.

[preraph]

It takes all kinds. Some people like cloying bfs or gfs and some will chase anything that will run and that's all they'll chase.

[wb1988]

Chances are you don't hear about those instances because if your relationship is going well, you're not going to be posting about it on an online forum.

 

That's a really good point that goes for so many things, relationships, complaints, yelp reviews, etc.

[kismetkismet]

It's a sign of immaturity and insecurity

[mrldii]

I agree. I'm not a fan of threads that tend to generalize women (and men) vs. taking things on a case by case basis.

 

To wonder why women in general act a certain way based on a few LS threads seems a bit short-sided. Yes, it's representative of one kind of woman, but there are PLENTY of other women who do not go after unavailable men and who appreciate it when men are upfront and clear about their feelings.

 

Chances are you don't hear about those instances because if your relationship is going well, you're not going to be posting about it on an online forum.

 

This ^^^

 

 

And, because people don't like to be wrong, many will only focus on those things which re-confirm what they already believe to be the truth, as "proof". When somebody comes along who doesn't have issues, they dismiss them...because the put-together person will disrupt the *perfect* stats they've created about "All Women/All Men".

[notinept]

In my opinion this whole line of thinking is drawing conclusions to things that are only loosely related.

 

Us men are driven by the logical/rational and in that we seek certainty, things defined and organized, whereas women prefer things that provide something that drives an emotional response (make them feel good or bad is preferable to nothing).

 

Where the problem comes in is that a guy wants to lay everything out all in order (logic) but in that way it makes things certain and when things are certain and defined they're usually also stagnant (at least eventually) and stagnancy fails to provide any emotional stimulus, good or bad doesn't matter because no stimulation is no stimulation.

 

When a guy is a jerk it provides stimulation, almost like "bad publicity is good publicity", and so therefore the easiest way to stimulate is by being a jerk, and although they'd prefer a good guy that's exciting over being treated like crap the emotion is what they respond to and they take the emotion-creating bad boy along with all his crap.

 

Consistently create excitement (and emotional response) while being a good-guy and the bad boys of the world would get awfully lonely real fast, or would be forced to change their ways.

[Maggie4]

You've got it wrong. Women don't choose men according to what he does. She chooses according to who he is. There is no equal opportunity in dating. You can't simply become desirable by doing this or not doing that. You are desirable to her, or you're not.

[Rejected Rosebud]

How does a thread about a woman being wary of a guy saying "I Love You" really soon in dating relate to women liking unavailable men??

[Blanco]

I missed the originally linked threads, but having kept tabs on a few threads lately that could've been talked about regarding this subject, I'll say this: There are degrees of showing interest in someone. It's not so much that girls don't want a guy who treats them well or is into them. It's that they are often a little put off by who comes on too strong, too soon.

 

Quite a few guys here seem to be unable to process this. They think going overboard with candy, gifts, flowers, chivalry, future planning on the second date, are all just part of showing interest. When this happens too soon, it raises red flags for a lot of women, because it seems less like the guy is interested in her and more interested in just going from 0 to 100 with someone, anyone.

 

Slow down, people. It doesn't mean treat her like dirt or tell her that her mom is probably ugly. It just means not to make yourself exceedingly available and borderline aggressive with accelerating the relationship. Let that blossom organically instead of treating it like a GMO. Make the woman part of your (hopefully already) awesome life; not your entire life.

 

I'm a guy and if a girl was doing some of the things I see these guys doing, I'd become cautious, too. I mean, I think I'm pretty great, but how can someone I just met really know that yet? I'd wonder why she's trying to sprint us toward a life where it's like we've been a couple for years already.

[Blanco]

Also, OP, I'd be careful with being too vocal about these generalizations. Sure, it's true for some women, but not all or even most of them. If you harp on these subjects too often, you're going to come off as the bitter guy who is constantly griping about how "all women don't want nice guys." You do that enough and you're going to repel a lot of women. And then you'll think, "See, women don't like nice guys!" Sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy, I suppose.

[Woggle]

Stay away from these women. Just say no to women who are incapable of a healthy relationship.

[oberkeat]

I missed the originally linked threads, but having kept tabs on a few threads lately that could've been talked about regarding this subject, I'll say this: There are degrees of showing interest in someone. It's not so much that girls don't want a guy who treats them well or is into them. It's that they are often a little put off by who comes on too strong, too soon.

 

Quite a few guys here seem to be unable to process this. They think going overboard with candy, gifts, flowers, chivalry, future planning on the second date, are all just part of showing interest. When this happens too soon, it raises red flags for a lot of women, because it seems less like the guy is interested in her and more interested in just going from 0 to 100 with someone, anyone.

 

Slow down, people. It doesn't mean treat her like dirt or tell her that her mom is probably ugly. It just means not to make yourself exceedingly available and borderline aggressive with accelerating the relationship. Let that blossom organically instead of treating it like a GMO. Make the woman part of your (hopefully already) awesome life; not your entire life.

 

I'm a guy and if a girl was doing some of the things I see these guys doing, I'd become cautious, too. I mean, I think I'm pretty great, but how can someone I just met really know that yet? I'd wonder why she's trying to sprint us toward a life where it's like we've been a couple for years already.

 

You are only looking at one side of this thing. It's not just that these gals are discounting guys who show affection and interest; its that they are also going after and desiring men who demonstrate aloof or disrespectful behavior toward them.

[deep_night]

i think it's somehow in our dna to be attracted to men that appear as if nothing can inflect them, even when they show affection. i don't know how to further explain this. maybe it's a safety thing from the ice age :|

[oberkeat]

How does a thread about a woman being wary of a guy saying "I Love You" really soon in dating relate to women liking unavailable men??

 

It is part of the broader phenomenon where some women are unable or unwilling to appreciate men who demonstrate affection or interest while at the same time desiring men who treat them like garbage or an afterthought. It is as if some gals out there have their poles reversed: they blush over guys who demonstrate disrespectful or aloof or indifferent behavior towards them, and turn up their noses at dudes who are "too nice" to them.

[Redhead14]

I’ve noticed a number of threads recently where girls are totally turned off by guys who are treating them right and demonstrating interest. At the same time, these women are wishing they had a man who actually showed less interest, less availability, less affection:

 

[links redacted]

It’s a sad phenomenon, and I struggle to understand it. It seems like the cardinal rule of dating for men is this: never ever indicate to a woman you're interested in that you actually *like* her. A man would have to be crazy to tell a woman he loves her in this day and age. A lot of women out there seem to only like men who act disinterested or who treat them like garbage, disposable. They would much prefer a man who demonstrates aloofness, unavailability, even disrespect.

It sends a terrible message to young men out there.

 

A lot of women out there seem to only like men who act disinterested or who treat them like garbage, disposable. They would much prefer a man who demonstrates aloofness, unavailability, even disrespect.

 

That is because they feel as though that is what they deserve -- low esteem.

 

And, if they happen to "find" a man who will play on that low esteem -- they think they've accomplished something -- and that boosts their egos. In the end, they have disrespected themselves.

[frus69]

I think you are wrong OP. We are not attracted to unavailable men. We are attracted to good looking men.

 

 

If he is ugly, I certainly wont find him suddenly attractive because he is unavailable

[Redhead14]

i think it's somehow in our dna to be attracted to men that appear as if nothing can inflect them, even when they show affection. i don't know how to further explain this. maybe it's a safety thing from the ice age :|

 

This is not about DNA. It's about ego. If a woman thinks a man is unavailable emotionally, what have you, she feels as it's a challenge to "get" him and if she accomplishes that (regardless of the treatment she ends up receiving), she feels like she was the one who was finally able to get the elusive, uncatchable man and she "thinks" it puts her above all the others. But, the reason that all the others are "all the others", is that they finally realized the position they put themselves in and grew some b*alls/ self-respect.