betrayedandhurting Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 See my thread from 18 months ago for my D-Day. Similar situation, I discovered my wife was having a 2+ year affair with a coworker, there was immediate NC, remorse, open book, quit job etc. The details however were beyond bad, really bad. I stayed because nearly every little thing that needed to go right did and has continue to get better since that day. I have children an a long history with my wife and I wanted to see if I could save it. I opened a new thread recently with a 18 month update the summary of which is... great marriage, terrible lingering pain and a realization it will never be the same but that doesn't mean it isn't worth reconciling to me. I would NOT have done this without kids. I'm trying to save the whole package, my marriage, my dream of keeping the family together and not splitting time with the kids etc. If I had a simpler situation and would just lose my wife I think it would be a more difficult choice to stay. Please know this... she is leaving details out. Her NC and remorse may be real but it will take time and you digging to prove that out, the risk of her taking it underground is real. Expose to the OM's wife or girlfriend and tell immediate family and a few close friends. Do NOT play a "pick me" game... it's your way or the highway from here out, that's if you even want the marriage. Good luck, I feel so much for you. 3
aliveagain Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 No children, married 5 years, multiple affairs with men and women, one affair over two years long, what's to save? If this is what your life with her looks like after 5 years of marriage, how you going to keep her faithful and interested for the next 50 years? I just don't see things ending well with her. 2
Author Lostbutinlove Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 Thank you all for your input. I do not trust my perception or my feelings. I've read a few points on here that are just flat out undeniable. I will be meeting her tomorrow, to go over our divorce. From what I'm reading, it seems like my heart is clouding my brain. Thanks again 1
Ramius Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 No kids. Her long history of cheating. She may not be capable of being faithful. There is no evidence that she can. When given the choice between her marriage and some else, she picks the latter. It's who she is. Ignore her at your own peril. If you can get a favorable divorce, I say do it. Quickly. Once you get some distance emotionally you will see the situation for what it is. 1
World's.Edge Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Infidelity is extremely devastating and traumatic, don't apologize for how you're feeling. There is no normal way to go through this. My advice would be to gather and save as much evidence as possible, expose the affair to close friends and family (for them to offer their support and understanding) and move ahead with the divorce. You will second guess your decision, and experience various emotions to varying degrees, that's all to be expected. It will take a long while for you to process everything that's happened, roughly two years until you feel some semblance of normalcy. You shouldn't even consider reconciliation at this time. If you do, it should be well after the divorce when you've had time, distance and perspective from the whole situation. Talk to your wife, ask the questions you need to ask, express how you feel, initiate the divorce process, and limit your communication with her to legal and financial matters.
road Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 There must be NC between the WW and the OM. So WW will have to leave that job. The affair must be exposed to the OMW, parents, and siblings. The same exposure must be done for the WW. 2
aliveagain Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Friend, if reconciliation is your goal, she needs to quit her job and there needs to be absolutely no contact with her affair partners, other betrayed spouses need to be told about the affair. If your decision is to divorce then it is in your best interest to have her keep her job because it will cost you less in spousal support. This is why it is so important to get the best lawyer that specializes in divorce you can afford. Decide what you want then act. 4
Mr. Lucky Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 No kids. Her long history of cheating. She may not be capable of being faithful. There is no evidence that she can. When given the choice between her marriage and some else, she picks the latter. It's who she is. Ignore her at your own peril. If you can get a favorable divorce, I say do it. Quickly. Once you get some distance emotionally you will see the situation for what it is. I'm a big believer in marriage and working to stay together. But given the degree of damage she's done to your relationship, I think Ramius makes good points. Divorce her and let her try to convince you to remarry if that's a mutually agreed upon goal. She may simply not be a one-man woman... Mr. Lucky 1
Just a Guy Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Hi Lost in love, having read through your thread two things spring to mind. The first is that both of you are young. The second is that inspite of your relatively young age you two have been together for 15 years starting at the tender ages of 15 years for her and 19 years for you. During your school and college years you must have been separated due to your different courses of study. During your separation are you sure she was true to you? If her infidelity dates from school/ college years then you know she was someone whose boundaries were low right from the start. You may have explained it away by justifying to yourself that since you were not committed to each other she was free to sow her wild oats. However if you two had an unofficial understanding that you were a couple then you could not justify that line of thinking. Only you know the real situation and so only you can come to a fair conclusion. Apart from this it seems your wife is remorseful but this could be because she is in shock and her decision about things could change once the shock factor wears off. The point that strikes me is that she cheated on you within a relatively short period of time after marrying you. If the time line given by you is accurate, she started her affair within three years of getting married. I do not know how long she has been in her company but if she joined a year or two after getting married then between joining the company and starting her affair the time period would be very short. If this is true then it does not bode well for your marriage. Based on this line of reasoning I would recommend what had already been suggested, namely, that you divorce your wife and allow for a cooling off period after which, if both of you are willing, you can start dating again and consider marriage if you are convinced that your wife has learnt her lesson and is willing to commit to a life with you with single minded devotion. In the interim she should have done the 'Heavy lifting' needed to prove her sincerity for a rock solid relationship with you. This assumes that neither of you find new partners for yourselves which if you do then the matter would have been resolved in any case. Warm wishes!
JS84 Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I want to see if she will agree to expose it first. You don't ask her whether she agrees to exposure or not. That's not her call. You just do it. You don't know if she'll tell him so he can enact damage control before you talk to his wife. Also when you do expose make sure you have evidence. Your wife did one of the most disrespectful things someone can do in a marriage. A large part of recovering, regardless of whether you split up or stay together, is reclaiming that respect. If not from her than at least for yourself. You do not have to tell your wife every thing that goes through your head, and you certainly do not want to tell her anything you plan on doing before you do it (exposure, seeking legal advice, splitting accounts, serving her with papers, etc). Like someone else said, your wife is making all the right moves but right now she's in damage control mode. And it's too early to tell if she's remorseful about what she has done to you, or sorry she got caught and is afraid of the consequences. There is a very big difference. Do not commit to reconciling or divorce this early in the process, and you are under no obligation to let her know when or if you plan on doing either. 1
Anto_80 Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 Sorry you are enduring this, pall. Sure reconciliation is possible. Is it likely? Hard to say. Is it desirable? Only you can decide that. It would require quite a bit of heavy lifting on your part for several years, with no guarantees of anything. As a default position, I tend to think that nobody is worth that. Good luck. I agree completely. The triggers and the everyday struggle are not worth it. Think about your own health first. Keep your head up and be strong!!!!!!!! On a completely different note... @Mr Mind of Shazam, I could not pm you. I came across a post of yours in which you described the affair of a fellow law student of yours. The husband got beat up by the OM:(. He did dump her **s right?
Lois_Griffin Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 Thank you. Anything that I can anchor my mind to helps me gain confidence that I'm seeing the world around me correctly. She said she doesn't want a lawyer, that she will sign anything. I will see if that changes. Thanks again for giving me something, this does help I promise you - that WILL change if you show up with divorce papers and a very one-sided property distribution agreement. Surely as the sun rises in the morning, that WILL change. Most cheaters promise you the moon in order to keep from being thrown to the curb. She's merely doing what most of them do - she's making blind, desperate promises in the heat of the moment in the hopes that you'll change your mind. It's nothing new. When it actually comes time to deliver on those promises however, that's when the back-pedaling will begin. Believe NOTHING she says. Nothing.
afoolto no end Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 You have no children in this mess thank god for that.......you have been married 5 years and for 1/2 of that there were 2 affairs for 1/2 the time you were married. You need to get out, this woman does not love you, she is obviously looking for someone else to fill what is missing in her life....... You need to just tell her it's over that adultery is the deal breaker for you....that anyone that can do what she did is not right as a partner for you.. The two of them sound like they are both off their rockers, emotional messes and incapable of what reality really is....... I hope you have contacted his wife, she needs to be able to protect herself and her kids from him....... Get your agreement for your divorce, change the locks on the doors and move on .......... You can't believe anything she says just look at how much she has already lied. she is only protecting herself now, cheaters do that at all cost.......lying becomes a huge skill set .......... You will never trust her again........
JS84 Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 Wow I don't know if I misread or missed other posts but ignore my previous advice. You need to file for divorce. Like now.
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